Days of the year
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Friday. 5.7.10 12:02 pm
I have the house to myself for awhile still. I figured I would collect my thoughts or at least spew them out on here.
I feel very lonely. I am constantly surrounded by people yet I feel myself drifting farther away from humanity. This isn't normal is it? How does one re-connect? Any ideas? Anyone? I'm askin' here.
Also, my job has gotten a little too intresting. There's drama everywhere and they keep throwing more responsibilities at me. I'm tired of it, I hate it but, I gotta pay those dang bills.
Paid for school. THANK.YOU.GOD! I can't wait to go back to college and finish and then finally start my life. I can't wait to get back on the road. It's almost like christmas is coming. My own personal little christmas.
What's the longest any of you have ever waited for someone to love you back? Just morbid curiosity asking.
I'll be going home to see my family in August. In time for Dad's birthday. I'm excited. It's exciting. A whole week! I think we'll be going to Vegas. This makes me happy. I love Vegas. This will be my 5th time going. yay!
I'm tired of my body. i want to rewind to 4 years ago. Heck even 2. Bleh.
I'm not happy. But I feel like happiness is around the corner.
Friday. 3.19.10 1:09 am
So, my cat ate some tinsel.
Apperantly the worst thing EVER.
Took him to the emergency vet. It cost too much there. So, they gave him some fluids and a shot to make him less nautious.
The next day while I was at work Elessar took him to my vet.
It turns out the tinsel was making his intestines ball up and get all squinched.
Bad bad BAD news.
SO elessar made sure that Jaden got his surgery.
When I got home, he had a cone around his head and he was all drugged up.
It made me sad.
He's better now though. Still a cone.
He hates the cone.
Thank you Elessar for helping me make sure that Jaden was ok and for putting up with me crying while I was worried about him.
Saturday. 2.20.10 11:24 pm
Tuesday. 2.9.10 8:34 pm
Two steps foward, one step back.
That might as well be the tag line for this year.
It seems like every time something starts to go even slightly in the way that i'd like it to; some other part of my life drops from the sky like an anchor and i'm back at square one.
I'm tired of feeling the way I've been feeling. I don't know if it's all me or if i'm being crazy or if i'm totally normal or what.... But there's just no reason that I should be feeling all of these things at the same time. I'm weary. I'm bruised. I feel so lonely. I feel akward when I shouldn't. I feel shame and guilt. I feel less than. I feel old. I feel left out. I'm suspicious. I'm jealous. I'm angry and i'm sad. All of this tide with confusion and some small sense of accomplisment and happiness sprinkled in there makes for a VERY emotionally confused woman.
Woman. Do I feel like a woman? Not a girl or a lady, but a woman? In all the ways that that word could mean? No. I don't. I haven't. That's a word that I want to own. That I want to be.
I'm at school right now. I'm happy being at school. Doing something. I'll be going back to University in the summer and then in the Fall. I hope to graduate in May. That's also when my friend Erich gets married. It'll be an eventful year. I'm ready for it. I'm ready for it all. I'm ready to help and be helped. I'm ready to jump in head first. I'm ready for school and for the people there and for everything else. I just wish I had done this right. I wish I had done this differently. I feel as if I missed out. I missed something, and it's nothing that I can ever get back. I don't plan on missing anything else ever again.
I'm ready for life. For it's difficulties and it's hardships. For it's miracles and it's forgiveness. I'm ready for the happy times and the horrible times.
I hope it's prepared for me.
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