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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Best Friend
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Heard this in the car today when I was driving around with my dad.

(When your best friend's all strung out)
You'll do everything you can
'Cause you're never gonna let it get 'em down
(When you find it all around)
Yeah, you say it's what you need
And hide your eyes when you're close to me
(When you feel up in the clouds)
Well, it comes in waves, but it's hardest from the start


So my good thing for today is finding a song I really like. (For now, at least)

Also, being 112 lbs. This breakup's been great for my figure, ha... -__- I haven't weighed this little for this amount of time since... I don't even know... probably the beginning of high school. So... eight years ago, more or less. Wow.


I decided to just hide my ex on OKC. Doesn't do me any good to see him in my visitors list constantly.

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An unspecial day
Saturday, May 3, 2014
It's kind of weird for Fridays to not mean anything anymore. Sure, they're the weekend, but there's just... nothing really to look forward to on Fridays now.

For two and a half years, Friday was the day we'd get together. And I looked forward to it. We didn't really do anything most of the time, but it was still our time together. And now I just have free time on Friday.

Lucy texted me to ask if I was going to First Friday, and I thought she was inviting me. Turned out she just wanted to know if I'd be there anyway and if she might run into me with her date by chance. I don't know why I'd be there. None of my friends are really into that kind of thing, and I can't go alone. Couldn't even go with my mom if I wanted to, because she's been away for a few days.

It's weird that I almost feel less lonely now that we've broken up. For a lot of our relationship it really felt like I was with a stranger sometimes. Like there was some uncrossable distance I could never truly bridge. We did so much together, and I talked about so many personal things, but I still didn't feel like he knew me or understood me, or that I knew or understood the "real" him. I often felt very lonely because of this lack of connection. We still cared about each other deeply, but there was always something missing for me... Maybe he didn't feel that way, or didn't care, I don't know. It was hard to cope with, on my end.

I think it's easy to remember only the good or bad things about a relationship, and not a balanced version of events. I tend to remember only the bad things immediately following a breakup, and then as time goes on I remember more good things and fewer bad things. Makes sense I guess, since I'm always the one to break it off.

I keep going on OKC out of boredom but there's not much interesting on there. Mostly boring people and jerks who get offended when I don't want to be friends or only say they want to be friends so they can get a shot with me later...

My... ex... (I feel weird calling him that, since I'm so used to calling Kyle my ex) visited my profile a lot... I don't know why. I think I might have showed up in his visitor feed because of Quickmatch but I'm not sure. I don't remember... I wish we could just talk about things without it being so... I don't know... painful/difficult/sad? Complicated? I guess I wish we could just talk, period, even though I don't know what it would accomplish.

Also I can't find my St. John's hoodie and I'm not sure if it's because he has it or what... I hope it didn't get thrown out. :\

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Ah, the weekend
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Time to do... nothing for a couple days.

I was thinking about time on my bike ride home today. What it is, what it means.

Does time exist without movement and change? If you were in an entirely static environment, what would time mean? Would it even be there? There would be no way to tell. But then again, just because you can't perceive something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Hm. I guess in this scenario the processes within your own body would also have to stop, but then you'd be dead (or at least not conscious?), so there would be no perception of the existence or nonexistence of time (probably?).

Sometimes I feel like I'm kind of caught between two conflicting points of view. On the one hand, I want very much to help people and be supportive and caring. On the other hand, I have a pretty existential view of things and often feel that our lives are brief and inherently meaningless. That doesn't bother me, but I also wonder what the point of attempting to "make a difference" is sometimes. Then again, I guess there doesn't have to be a point. If it feels good to be altruistic, that's a valid enough reason, isn't it? Lack of meaning means there's no point to doing things, but there's also no point to not doing things. No point to anything... So just do whatever you want. :P

Then again, I'm not really into anarchy. So... do whatever you want within acceptable social boundaries? (Which mean nothing of course, but I think it should be self-evident that all the rules we follow do make our lives easier to some extent. If we didn't work together as people we'd have none of these modern conveniences)


After school today I walked around with Jenny for exercise, even though it was over 90 degrees outside and not great weather to be moving around. Apparently she thought Alex was into me too. She asked if we had hung out a lot and if anything was... going on with that. >_> I had to explain to her that we weren't into each other like that and were not compatible in that way. She hangs around a lot with these two people in our class who did get together, so maybe she sort of sees signs of romance now where there aren't any... I dunno.

I dunno what my good thing would be for today. Fro might be having a party later in the month, so that could be cool I guess. I don't know how I'd get there though.


I've been listening to a lot of rock/alternative/metal(?) lately. All the stuff that used to play on the radio when I was in high school and Channel 104.9 was still around. Memories...

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Holding on to everything
Thursday, May 1, 2014
I feel like I might be sort of a... memory/emotion hoarder? I have this strong desire to record everything in some way to keep it. Even the painful things.

Especially the painful things?

It's sort of a self-administered exposure therapy, I guess. I don't throw away the things that hurt, I just make myself relive them over and over again until they don't hurt anymore.

I have been holding this stuffed alligator a lot in the past few days. It doesn't feel as significant as it did the first time. I don't feel sad just by looking at it.

One day, when I'm dead, my family will go through my stuff and not know the reasons I kept all the things that were meaningful to me. It'll all just seem like random junk (ha). And they'll throw out the things that once made me feel. Even if they keep some of it, they won't know the story behind it. The vast majority of my memories will die with me. Everything I never shared will be gone, and the things I shared and recorded will decay with time. My entire existence is inconceivably insignificant in the time scale of the universe.

(Things I think about a lot but don't talk about)

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Again with this
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
My OKC profile very explicitly says I don't want to date. Occasionally I'll get messages that start out well and then start to turn flirty.


A social psychologist came to school today and gave a short talk during our lunch break. He gave us a choice between perceived partner authenticity and mortality salience. I thought both were interesting, but most people voted for perceived partner authenticity.

Essentially, perceived partner authenticity is what it sounds like. How authentic you perceive your partner to be. High PPA is associated with higher relationship satisfaction and more interpersonal trust, commitment etc. Lower PPA is, as you might expect, associated with lower relationship satisfaction and less interpersonal trust and so on and so forth. The interesting thing is, your partner doesn't actually have to be authentic, you just have to perceive them as being so.

I mean obviously it's better to... authentically be authentic, but yeah. I had low PPA in my last relationship. :\ That wasn't the only problem, but it was definitely a factor.

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Sunday, April 27, 2014
I went to see the play Amadeus at a theatre downtown today with Fro. Unfortunately I forgot I was supposed to go, so I was sitting in my pajamas at the computer when she called me and asked where I was. Had to quickly get dressed and get my dad to take me there. Luckily I didn't miss too much, and I've seen the movie anyway.

After the play we went to a Greek place to eat. She kept saying she was excited, because apparently she loves Greek food. I think I should have gotten less food for myself, because I couldn't finish what I had... Regardless, we stayed there for several hours just talking about stuff. It was really nice. I told her about recent developments with the breakup, and she listened without giving (too much) advice. She seemed pleased that I took her suggestion to document positive parts of my day.

I've been feeling really tired these past couple days. Right now I have a paper to do and some reading I need to finish for tomorrow, but I wish I could just go to bed.


Recently I've had some interesting philosophical/political discussions on OKC. I've missed talking about stuff like that. Of course, there have also been some annoying people who clearly didn't read my profile and thus get annoyed when I tell them I don't want to go out with them. It's kind of a shame when we have a decent conversation and then suddenly they're like "so... you want to get coffee?" or something similar. It's written very unambiguously on my profile that I do not want dates. -__- I kind of just want to have some cool conversations here and there. The whole romantic intention thing just makes things awkward and weird.

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3:16 [What the box was wrapped in]
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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The gala is tomorrow night~
Thursday, April 24, 2014
I got my first payment today from that guy I'm coaching. He just sent me cash through the mail. Yay money!

After class today I went walking around the track at school with a few friends. Two of them were actually jogging, but three were mostly walking. We went around the track a few times and then decided to try jogging... Made it about 3/4 of the way before the two guys I was running with got tired. XD I was getting kind of out of breath too, but mostly because the air was very dry and it was hurting my throat.

Like the title says, the gala is tomorrow night. I'm carpooling with Alex and Vicky. Hopefully it doesn't rain all over us. The gala is indoors, but it'll suck if the rain catches us on our way in.

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