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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Something worthwhile
Friday, October 31, 2014

I definitely feel more like a clown than a hero.

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Thursday, October 30, 2014

I've listened to this song ~100 times (and counting) in the past five days... There were no lyrics available that I could find, so I had to transcribe them myself, but as far as I can tell this is the last part of the song.

Why get too hung up on the past
When you can't hit rewind?
But when I look back
I can smile and say it was worth it all to find
A love of my own someday
That can't be taken away

And if one day, I have the money
A rocketship's not what I'll buy
I know better now
There's no more stars left in the sky
Just endless night

Today in class we had a potluck. I brought a salad with spiced toasted sliced almonds, crumbled goat cheese, pears, and apple cider vinaigrette. It came out pretty good. Would make again. It was my first time making spiced/toasted almonds and apple cider vinaigrette, but they were really easy to prepare so it wasn't a big deal. I thought the almonds tasted a little like pumpkin seeds though, which was... strange.

I feel... really tired. But I got to talk to my friend (the one who recommended me stuff), so that was nice. We don't chat very often because of the time difference between us, but I've enjoyed our few recent conversations. He always has an interesting film or story to recommend... Usually I don't really like people's recommendations, but I think all of his have been pretty good so far.

The past few nights I've been dreaming but not really remembering much. I feel like it's been night in my dreams, though. The only dream snippet I remember from the past few days is one in which I was walking with Lucy through a dark deserted city. There weren't any streetlights, but it was the end of the day, just before night was truly setting in, so there was barely enough light to see by. And we went into a well lit partially-asian buffet filled with people, and I told her to just act natural and we could go in without paying. I think I had been there earlier in the day anyway so I felt justified in doing that. They mostly only had desserts left though, and all the pieces of cake I sampled were kind of dry and didn't taste very good. I was a little put off by that until I remembered that it wasn't unusual for asian cakes to be like that. Didn't take any more though.

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Empathy, sympathy, support, identity, desire, change [Ask]
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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An old song
Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I remember playing my She Wants Revenge CD for the first time and seeing 66 tracks pop up on the display of the CD player. I just let it play through the official songs, then all the empty tracks, until it got to the hidden track at the end. The song is technically called "Killing Time" I think, but it's still listed as "[Hidden Track]" in my iTunes library. I don't listen to it very often but I guess I have a nostalgic fondness for it.

At first she was spellbound
Hanging on his every word
Every touch perfect
She could kiss him all night
But he�s no longer the bad guy
Now he�s just her boyfriend
She doesn�t know how to tell him
�My dear, there�s been a change of plans�

She turns the phone off, hide behind little lies
And shuts the blinds, turns the lights low, laying low
She tells herself that he won't mind, he'll never mind
And says goodbye, but he can't hear, it's killing time

I've never really been sure what this song is about. Maybe suicide? It's not entirely clear from the lyrics though. I've kind of been binge-listening to songs lately and it's been this one and "Waltz" by Max Vernon. Maybe they have a certain vibe in common that resonates with me, I'm not sure. There's something ominous there, I guess.

Going to my first real Halloween party on Friday I think... I should really get a costume, but I don't know what I want to do. I'd kind of like to dress as a mime someday. I have a not-totally-irrational fear that costume makeup would do bad things to my skin though. I'll probably half-ass something at the last minute like I usually do for Halloween...

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I forgot I had this picture [2P]
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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I'm not sure I've ever done this before
Sunday, October 26, 2014
A friend (the same one who recommended It's Such a Beautiful Day) suggested I read Ubik by Philip K. Dick. I thought it was going to be a short story, and started reading it a few hours ago. Once I finished it, I looked it up on Wikipedia and realized it was a novel.

Welp. I suppose that would explain why it took roughly three hours to finish. So uh, I guess I accidentally read a full book tonight. First time for everything?

I sort of liked it. I liked it enough to get over my dislike of reading lengthy things on the computer, anyway. So maybe that means I found it very engaging?

(I wonder if I'll ever stop using my behavior to gauge my feelings about things?)

Some parts of it were very scary though. Even though I almost exclusively read science fiction and horror, sometimes the combination of the two is almost unbearably unsettling.


It's strange to think that it's been seven months since I broke up with my ex. It feels like a lifetime ago. Those two and a half years are so nebulous in my memories now. A few things I remember clearly, but none of it seems real. I guess that sometimes my life now doesn't entirely feel real either, though.

In some ways I feel more unstable now than I did before, but I also feel more creative and contemplative. Less tethered to practicalities. I have privately wondered (worried?) on various occasions if the urgently creative/expressive part of me was dead or gone forever. If I'd ever see it again. I wondered what happened to me. I was never sure if it was just some natural consequence of aging or what. And I missed it, you know? That was something important to me. That need for expression. But it seemed I couldn't force it to come back, and I resignedly accepted its absence. I wonder if I'll get back some interests too? Sometimes I think about my life and I feel like I'm not truly interested in anything, and I have to refer to lists I made in the past if people ask me what my hobbies are, and it seems sad and embarrassing.

And I think if the internet didn't connect me to people I care about and want to talk to, I would try to stay off the computer more. I've been feeling like too much computer usage is related to some of these issues, but it's so hard to stop.

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Existential Life Crisis Lullaby
Saturday, October 25, 2014

I found this song today and I find it mm... amusing? I'm not usually fond of this musical style but I enjoy it here. The lyrics are pretty great.

This one is also pretty funny.

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Friday, October 24, 2014

A friend recommended this to me. While I'd seen other works of Don Hertzfeldt's, I hadn't seen It's Such a Beautiful Day before. Some parts of it felt deeply relevant to my own experiences, despite the fact that I haven't actually been in the situation the main character is in. He told me to watch it when I had a "clear mind" but I'm not sure if that was necessary. I feel I might have found it striking regardless. It really is amazing.

I ended up watching a few other Hertzfeldt shorts afterward. I thought this one was pretty amusing.

Youtube autoplayed the next video after that, which was The Meaning of Life. It had some Tchaikovsky pieces in it that I hadn't heard in awhile, one of which was the Waltz of the Flowers from The Nutcracker.

I think my mom used to take me to see The Nutcracker every year, but at some point I didn't want to go anymore. I think I would like to see it again now though. I might have more appreciation for it as an adult than I did as a child. Plus I haven't seen a live performance of anything in awhile. Maybe something to do over my winter break...

I remember listening to the soundtrack for The Nutcracker when I was little. The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy was my favorite track, and I would sit in the living room in front of the CD player and replay it over and over. I didn't like the Arabian Dance though, I thought it was scary.

Occasionally I'll hear a piece of classical music somewhere and feel deeply moved by it in some way, and then want to hear a bunch more classical music. I'm not sure if that really happens with other types of music so much, even though I listen to classical music pretty infrequently compared to other types.

I want to do... something. I'd like to see the stars without light pollution, or walk barefoot on a beach with fine sand. And I want to lie on a smooth stone slab in the shade on a hot day. And feel a piece of warm metal in my mouth. I want to brush my lips against a piece of flannel... and lightly run my fingertip around the edge of someone's ear. I want to do some sensory things and focus on the feeling.

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