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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Can't remember if I posted this song before
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Oh well, if it's a repeat, so be it.

You don't look interested in what I just said
If you're not listening then don't nod your head

Jonathan Coulton is perhaps my favorite artist? If we're thinking about it terms of sheer quantity.

Even though I'm not a great singer I like singing along to this one:

Now everything is standing still
It was only my head that made it revolve
Everything was fine until it was awful instead
Now watch me dissolve

Wednesday's gonna be busy. :\ Internship, appointment, crisis line... -Sigh-

Sometimes I feel trapped, because I want to talk to people but they leave and I feel like I can't ask them to stay. I'm not bound by facticity or anything, only (over?) consideration and social mores. Sometimes I get paralyzed while silently weighing my choices and by the time I pick it's too late.

Ah, interaction is so difficult. I suppose it's only fear that holds me back. Not to say there aren't real consequences to saying some of the things I don't. Nothing unbearable though... in the sense that I'm likely to live through whatever happens.

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Tuesday, November 18, 2014
I'm in a really really weird mood. I feel like I need to do something. Like run around. Or punch stuff. Or open my mouth and like scream until a laser beam shoots out.

I have no idea why. It's a restless sort of feeling, it's energetic but I also feel kind of mentally tired. What what what is going on?

I kinda want to make stuff and I kinda want to find new stuff and watch movies and read books and listen to music and punch things still and like punt something into the sky.

Some of these things may be more achievable than others.

On Friday I'm supposed to do some in-field work with my client. Basically that means I have to follow him around in a night club and listen to his awkward-as-hell conversations with random ladies as he attempts to seduce them. Many laughs shall be had, I'm sure. I'm thinking I might ask a friend to go along with me though, if possible. For my parents' comfort more than anything else really.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and I invited Frosan to come to my family's gathering. I'm kind of excited for that. I'm planning to make mac and cheese (of course), spinach ricotta pie, and browned butter mashed potatoes. Usually I make the mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving but I always find them extremely boring so this year I thought it might be nice to switch things up. Browned butter is so good~

Hmm. Now in addition to the other things I want to do, I want to cook stuff. I'm looking through my list of bookmarked recipes (and believe me, there are a lot) and I've hardly made any of them. I should fix that.


These Irish soda farls look really easy too. Maybe something to do for breakfast in the future?

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Strange contrasts
Monday, November 17, 2014
I always find it weird when I see someone singing a sad song while looking cheerful. I was listening to "Low Down Man" by Squirrel Nut Zippers (revisiting old goodies) and there was a cover of it in the Youtube search results. I won't post it because it wasn't good, but it was just weird how cheerful the people in the video looked.

For reference, this is the song:

And lyrics...
That low down man of mine
Mistreats me all the time
He says he loves me only
Then turns around and leaves me
Sad and lonely

If he could see through my eyes
And be the one who cries
He would see, he would never be
That low down man of mine

That low down man with his low down ways
I know he'll go some day
I'll wait till then, this story's ending
It won't be long but from now on

If he could see through my eyes
And be the one who cries
He would see, he would never be
That low down man of mine

If he could see through my eyes
And be the one who cries
He would see, he'd come back to me
That low down man

At the same time though, I guess I do like some upbeat sad songs. So I dunno, maybe it shouldn't be weird to me.

I wonder what the writer of this song was thinking when they wrote it? I'm not sure if it's supposed to be that the woman is calling the man "low down" because he left her or if she thinks he's low down but wants him to come back despite that.


A Berstrip.

It's 1:27 AM and I kind of wish I had someone to go out for a walk with.

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Another late night entry...
Sunday, November 16, 2014
So much thinking lately. All these things I'd mostly put aside the past few years... The things mainly separate from so-called real life, that practical world in which we operate. Things you could go your whole life without thinking about, in a way.

I just watched the original Solaris. Though I saw the new one a few years ago, I couldn't really remember the plot. Wikipedia tells me they're not quite the same, though, so maybe it didn't matter. Apparently Stanislaw Lem, the author whose novel was the inspiration for the films, objected to both film adaptations.

Anyway, it made me think (as so many things seem to do these days). In a more personal, less abstract way, though. Just about who my "visitor" would be in such a situation (Background: In the film the characters encounter replicas of their loved ones, which they call "visitors", aboard the space station they're on). I have a suspicion.

In a discussion about the related film Stalker, which I have not seen, it occurred to me that generally when I think about what I would want if given the chance to have a wish granted, I tend to know without giving it any thought. And given the dreams I have sometimes, I guess that wish isn't just in my conscious mind. At any rate I think it's unlikely to be fulfilled, especially considering the attempts I've made over the years. Maybe someday I'll be able to let go of it and spare myself some heartache.

Until then I suppose I can bear the occasional dream in which things are the way I've wanted for so long, and I wake up feeling saudade for it.

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Corsets and freedom
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Looking at corsets and corset dresses and such...

This black satin flared corset dress is so pretty...

And so is this white corset dress with lace...

This polka dot one is pretty cute too, although it has slightly... Gothic Lolita vibes to me.

I think corsets are cool but I don't know if I could pull off wearing one. Alas.

Thinkin' more 'bout bad faith and freedom again. And how people (in the US at least) make this big deal about how freedom is awesome and stuff but how they seem to conceptualize it in a rather different way than Sartre. I dunno. I think it makes sense that if we have no choice but to choose what actions we take, a fair number of people wouldn't be able to deal with the weight of that responsibility... Not comfortably, anyway.

I don't know why I've been so into Existentialism lately. Sometimes it just seems like a fancier, more detailed explanation of things I already feel/agree with I guess.

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So much for the study group
Thursday, November 13, 2014
A few friends and I were supposed to get together for a study group for a test we have, but while we were waiting for someone who never showed up we ended up just talking about life and such and it sort of turned into a support group instead. Maybe that's just what happens when your friends are psych students.

In any case I really needed it. I got to talk to Kyle a bit about some of the stuff that's going on with me but we didn't get to everything. Plus I was glad to hear about my friends' lives. Both of them are pretty good listeners and they care a lot about me and had some good points to make about what I said.

I'm really grateful to have them in my life and I still think that regardless of what happened before this point, it's all okay because everything that I've been through has led me to a spot in my life that I really appreciate. It isn't that things are perfect or I couldn't be suffering less or something, but what I have now is good and if I had to go through some not-so-good things to get here that's fine.

Getting other people's perspective and feedback on stuff is invaluable and I'm so glad we were able to chat tonight, even if we didn't study. The test will probably be easy anyway...

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Peep peep
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Kyle: also this guys eyes always kind of creep me out
Me: Hahaha
Me: Yeah I guess the uh... part that shows before you press play looks creepy.
Kyle: i dunno, its creepy the whole video. i think its how open they are.
Me: Other people have pointed that out.
Me: And some people say he never blinks.
Kyle: i hadn't noticed that but maybe it contributes to the feeling.
Kyle: its what i would imagine if i was a hot MILF changing in my bedroom and caught someone looking through my window

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Has this been on the radio much?
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
I feel like I've heard this a lot but I don't know where it could be from if not the radio. Never really paid attention to the lyrics before because it just sounded kind of anthem-ish, but they're sort of interesting.

I didn't know I was broken till I wanted to change

I finally got to have a real conversation with Kyle for the first time in... I don't know how long it's been. Months? Too long. It was really nice. I hope we can talk again soon. There were a couple things I wanted to discuss that I didn't get around to. Mostly we talk about our lives and compare experiences, but it's comforting to have someone who's known you for a long time to talk to catch up with.

This isn't related to that but I was thinking about something I heard(?) somewhere about how nobody thinks of themselves as evil, and everybody is just doing what they think is good/the right course of action. And I guess the idea of evil just springs from the contrast between what different people think is good? There wasn't a lot to this train of thought, just wanted to mention it.

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