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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR

Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Waltz not alone
Wednesday. 12.14.16 10:08 am
This is a topic which I don't like very much.

I first heard about it was about 10 years ago when a collegemate got rejected by my closed friend who was also my collegemate. We were all friends la, put it that way. At the beginning, this rejected person and I always chat on FB just to catch up with each other but not anymore after I put a stop to his insult on the friend who rejected him. I understand that there are girls out there who has or work hard to get the ability to make any guys to fall onto their knees. Whether or not this friend of mine uses this method I seriously don't care because I know she works hard to achieve the things she wants. I know this friend of mine somewhat has the ability to make guys fall for her. And I know how much this rejected guy asked me to learn the art of seduction from this friend. He said it's the best way to be rich - yea by seducing rich old man. The reason why I stopped talking to him is he was so bitter that he got rejected that every word he said about our friend was full with menace. The last straw was commenting that she seduced people to fall for her that they are her play thing. No, darling. True or not, you don't judge her like that. Leave that to god.

10 years later, I am hearing this again from a new friend. He managed to get hold of a 5-year old picture which I got no idea how. Thanks google. My privacy somehow got exposed. Now I understand why my Singaporean girlfriend was so crazy into changing here and there to prevent her profile to be not accessible. Anyways, I see myself as normal in that picture but he was so captivated with that photo that he was telling everyone that this is a hot babe photo. We laughed and we teased him for being my stalker. But I was totally uneasy. Because I have already said at the beginning 'that I can't give you what you wanted.' Don't play hide and seek with a psychic, boy. I can absorb compliments but what he said later were something I don't wish to hear.

Again. I have the cut and look to make any guy fall for me. Even if I do, I don't wish to do so. This is not me. It's not who I am.

Another question why only I involved in something new like what I have been exploring since August? I have other goals which I prioritised. And now I can feel I am bringing back all of those goals which were buried in my heart long time ago with more urgency. Are we going down? Don't know it's just feel right to do so.

I sometimes ask myself if it's too late to start something new. The answer I always receive is I am wherever I am meant to be.

He asked why I didn't join any beauty pageant because I can win. I know. Do you know that when I was 6 years old my dream occupation was to be Miss World? My teacher went gag. But I caught a glimpse of myself on the stage at that age.

But I chose a different goal in later life.

Whatever it is, it's giving me goosebumps when this friend is telling me to learn the art of seduction especially in bed. I don't like it. I don't like this kind of power. And I don't see myself wielding this kind of power.

No. I shall use my own way to achieve what I want. Otherwise, just be single on the dance floor!

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Wednesday. 12.7.16 6:22 pm
If you remember me lamenting about my high school friend who called me loser or serves me right for rotting for being a failure, I found out something interesting behind her offer.

She asked me to join her in doing her MLM business. The membership she mentioned is USD600 so I can be an agent and start selling. The product no doubt is effective for me but I refused to join because the membership is just simply too expensive! Well she even said I can use my credit card to pay off that amount and I will be motivated to clear it off later. I think that sounds wrong. I know myself. Such thing don't motivate me instead.

Anyways, I thought of buying back the product for myself and mum. After googling, I found the number to the HQ. I called up and found out the basic membership price was just USD75 and it comes with a box of the product. Oh. That's so much affordable than the amount she mentioned. The operator was in disbelief when I asking her if she was giving me the right figure. How can I not when the figure I was given originally was way astronomical?

I think I will join after I find out more about the membership prices. The operator did say they have several packages.

No wonder my friend won the Best Leadership for Asia. If this is how she does business, no wonder la.

And seriously this is her loss if I really join.

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Saturday. 12.3.16 10:09 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Horror flicks
Tuesday. 11.29.16 8:41 pm
I watched 3 horror films in 2016 to date. The most in my whole life. I usually don't watch horror films but I keep winning tickets to watch horror films!

Renaye! Stop entering those horror movie contests!!! But I can't help it! I love freebies!

Note: saving a url here!


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Ego and pain
Sunday. 11.13.16 7:05 pm
Argh. I think I am developing some huge ego and pain here. I just get irritated when someone said something directly to me. I keep asking myself why I am feeling this pain. Oh well, ego got brush, frankly. But then why?

I don't really know why, frankly. I feel pain means pain la!

Can I accept the truth? Yes I can even though it's painful as hell. So why did I feel pain now when my friend said I'm being judgemental on FB? He posted a video of a youth debating in youth parliament and concluded that the youth parliament is just a talk shop and bla bla. My reply was a situation picked from my observation recently about some university students not informing the new bus driver to stop at the usual departure area hence I cannot imagine the same kids fighting for human rights unless something drastic happens to them like what happened to Mahatman Gandhi.

My friend replied that I have no right being judgmental and "So we should take the fault they think that way because thats how we telling them to behave and think."

No. I shall not take the fault nor blame for having minion workers. I have done my part in making students think. Unfortunately, the system that we have do not encourage thinking instead enhance the spoon-feeding system. Even if we tried, the parents will complain that their kids are 'suffering'. And education institutions fear parents and their kids because they are the paymasters.

My ego is really hurt when I read that sentence. I SHALL NOT BE part of the fault.

In fact, isn't he being judgemental to say ME, part of the WE, for not doing my part in educating the kids?

I have been thinking of what to reply to him. I have known him for 4 years but mainly online. I know he is very opinionated and the type of wanting to be a leader. And I seriously do not want to pick a fight on FB. To say 'you are judgmental' is the same being an asshole like him.

Do I like confrontations? No. Do I mind engage in confrontations? If I have to. Am I being a wussy? Well, maybe, but I have learnt that winning in confrontations only bring glory to myself but hurt to others. Therefore, I disengage and try to talk the truth during negotiations. No point of nuking everyone when we all need to live with each other. People will say whatever they want and when there's a reply they don't want to hear it will consider as outrage.

I think I have been too nice. People say I am not sensitive. Ok I changed my words to accommodate those sensitives. People say I am too demanding. Ok. I changed. People say I am too straightforward. I try to change but no matter what it's still quite straightforward, I mean the truth is the truth right? Where is the part where people like to say 'accept me for what I am'?

What a BS. I keep reflecting and then I realised it's all about YOU. When YOU don't like being hurt, YOU tell others to CHANGE for YOU. When a person says something back, YOU say SOMETHING to make YOURSELF HEARD because YOU THINK it's more 'politically correct' than YOUR pals.

It's all about YOU.

People say we change for our own good. True. I agree in a way. But for me, it has to come to the bottom place where IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU.

I was talking to a friend about the ex-friend who banned me on FB just because I said 'you hit jackpot' on her engagement photo. And then the few minutes later came the thunder of words: "I am marrying him not for the money. I marry him because I love him very much. Don't ever say that when you don't know me!"

Err.. yes, your bf then hubby is super rich who buys you stuff. Yes, your mutual friends and I did agree you are lucky to have such wealthy husband. But did my words ever indicated you are marrying him for the money? Jackpot carries various meanings in my context. She got this bf for a long long time... To have found someone you like who loves you back for what you are and having a harmony relationship isn't like hitting a jackpot?

Come on kid. Eat more walnuts. They are good for your brain. But actually my real meaning is she really is lucky to have married a wealthy husband.

And if you read the previous post... this was the example given to me that I am an asshole towards sensitive people that my words hurt her that I am poor in communication skills. Right.

It's ALL ABOUT YOU at the expense of my ego and pain so YOU can be EMBRACED by the SOCIETY.

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Saturday. 10.29.16 9:10 am
I had a meeting with my international youth network members last weekend. We were early except for the host. He woke up late. He watched three movies the night before and dozed off. Right. he forgot about us.

Anyways, he was fumbling when setting up the projector and what not. Since we have Skype calls, we had to set up the skype over projector.

The moment he turned on his laptop, the first thing we saw was "Look at Patrick's BIG Dick." We went "OHHHHH, what?!". He fumbled even more to switching the browsers!

The lesson learnt was remember to 'wipe' the browsers before an event. That's what I do, always. I always make sure my browser or desktop has no 18sx items. HAHA.

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