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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Online Radio

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts

Blue Milk Special
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Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
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dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Eat That Toast!
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
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Out There
Owen's Uncles
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Political Cartoonists Index
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The Property of Hate
Red Meat
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Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
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Scary Go Round
Scenes from a Multiverse
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Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Tales of Pylea
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Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy

Wilde Life
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
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Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Conspiracy Friends!
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Dumm Comics
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED

Green Wake
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Hark! A Vagrant
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IDK Comics
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Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Moon Town
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
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Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
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The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Ugly Girl
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
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Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
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Clients from Hell
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Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Friday, December 6, 2019
I've forgotten most of it now, but I had a dream that wings grew out of my back. Other people could see them but I couldn't really, and I couldn't feel them either. When I moved my shoulder blades a certain way it made the wings move, though. They were white and feathery, like stereotypical angel wings but quite small and no use for flying. The only time I was able to see them was when I saw myself from behind from a third person view briefly. I shifted my shoulders and felt nothing but I saw the wings flap a little.

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Ten years [DP]
Thursday, December 5, 2019
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Moving forward
Thursday, November 14, 2019
Well, I did it. I switched gyms. I've decided to move from the gym I've been with for years and try something new. I really liked my old gym a few years ago, but it's been in decline for awhile now and I want things it can't provide.

Time to dive into the world of lifting!

In all honesty I am super nervous about starting at this new place. It's a much nicer facility and has way more equipment, but it's also more intimidating. I'm hoping I'll get over the anxiety of trying to work out around super jacked dudes, and that it won't take too long to get used to.

Aside from that, I've been a bit better about exercising this past week. Have been doing more stuff on my own instead of just being lazy and only going to classes. I'm nowhere near where I was a few years ago in terms of fitness, but I'm kinda working towards being stronger. Feelin' the burn a bit, haha.

I don't want to jinx it, but maybe I'm getting out of this funk I've been in a little? That would be nice. I've still been functional, just not operating at an optimal level.

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The polyvagal ladder
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
In my trauma class we use the concept of the polyvagal ladder to talk about the progression of responses to stress and trauma. It's quite simple but very helpful as a model.

The basic idea is that there are three main states you can be in. You can be at the top of the ladder, where you're functioning optimally. A high enough level of stress (it's different for everyone) pushes you down the ladder and you go into fight-or-flight. Even more stress brings you down to the last state, which is shutting down or dissociating. People who have been repeatedly pushed onto the bottom of the ladder tend to skip fight-or-flight and just go straight to shut down after awhile.

When people have to deal with constant inescapable threat they tend to just stay at the bottom of the ladder and not move up anymore. This occurs in situations like having an abusive parent who lives in the home. The child, who cannot fend for him/herself, faces an impossible dilemma. The person upon whom he/she depends for survival is also actively harming him/her. What can a kid do in such a situation? Typically children "resolve" this by blaming themselves for the parent's abuse. They assume responsibility for what's happening and believe that there must be a reason the parent is acting as such in order to preserve the idea that the parent is, underneath it all, a good and competent caregiver. As my professor likes to put it, "it's better to believe that my parent is good and I am bad, because if my parent is bad and I depend on them for survival, I'm really fucked."

Now imagine that being said in a Chinese accent and you can kind of get the experience of being in my trauma class.

Anyway, I've been thinking about all this in relation to myself, as one does. I think I used to go primarily to the bottom of the ladder and dissociate or freeze in stressful situations. Now why that has been, I can only speculate, but it seems to be my pattern. In more recent years though it seems like I've been shifting somewhat and don't drop down there as quickly, if at all. There are certainly still plenty of situations in which I freeze, but I've been noticing that I sometimes just feel strong emotions that don't get washed away with a blanket of dissociation when under stress. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand it's probably healthier in some way for me but on the other hand it kind of sucks to have to feel everything unpleasant. I'm also not sure why the shift has occurred. Years of therapy have helped, I'm pretty sure, but I can't pinpoint what exactly in that process has had an effect.

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Total mood [4P]
Wednesday, November 8, 2019
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Descending into the depths once more [DP]
Saturday, November 2, 2019
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Even worse than the last time
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
Is this... the longest I've gone without posting? D:

I feel like I don't know where all my time is going. Or well, that's not true. My schedule now is busier than it has been on any regular basis for a long time. Mondays should be better now, at least. For a bit over a month I had to be out of my house from 6:30am to 11pm for school. That's... 16.5 hours? Fairly exhausting days. Then the Tuesdays after, I'd be pretty much dead tired and would just want to rest all day and not do much else. Wednesdays and Thursdays I have work and various appointments, and Friday is another school day. I technically do have time on the weekends but I have to do schoolwork sometime, so there's not really much actual freedom.

Anyway, yeah, as you can see, I've been busy. Also have been having some weird chest pains recently which are as yet unexplained. I had a doctor's appointment today and she ordered a thyroid ultrasound and a fluoroscopy for me, but when I called the radiology department they told me that my insurance needs to approve the procedures first... so not sure when I'll be able to get those things done. Hopefully I don't die from the chest pains first. The doctor told me I could go to the ER next time it happens, which seems kind of extreme to me but I wonder if I'm taking this seriously enough.

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Ouch, that delay [4P]
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
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