in a sepia tone aww yeah.
Location: Mansfield, PA
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1927 Max Erhmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Strive to be happy.
Wednesday. 3.23.05 8:22 am
Last Saturday after my awesome date, Chicken came up and we hung out, recorded some shit, and bought some alcohol - 100 proof peppermint schnapps and some Goldschlager. Lynne, Kenneth, and Lindsay all came over and we drank until we were LIT. Seriously, we fuckin finished the bottles in like an hour. We were all TORE UP and then Lynne and Lindsay needed to go pee because women do that, and what would you know, a fuckin' cop stops by and says hey you're all drunk, what fun!
The funny thing is that I don't remember anything about what she said. I don't remember telling her she could search my room, or showing her my IDs, or saying anything about the Slums, but apparently I had the presence of mind to say that stuff. Although I'm told by Lindsay who wasn't drunk that I was slurring like crazy and I couldn't find my check card in the morning which was funny.
I finally got ahold of the cop and it's getting referred to Res Life which is fine with me. Nobody gets an underage and I probably won't even get fined because I am legal now. I love small town justice sometimes. :)
we'll call this the real thing
Saturday. 3.19.05 8:58 pm
Just before spring break, this girl messaged me from MySpace saying that she thought it was cool I liked Incubus and that we had a lot of the same favorite bands. I checked out her profile and saw her [hot] pictures, and wrote her back saying that I thought it was cool that she liked beer pong and that she should friend me. So she did and I ended up talking to her on IM. For like FOUR HOURS.
The first IM was cool, and we decided that we'd keep in touch, so we did. Over break I ended up talking to her a lot more than I expected to, even so much as doing what I could to talk to her at Thrad's house after we were both ridiculously banged up from drinking. Also there were a few nights that we ended up staying up late, which was nice because I even pulled out a seriously wicked drunk IM and she talked to me in the morning. Musta been doing something right, you know?
We made plans to get together and go on a date the Friday we were back at school, and that happened:
We met up and the first thing that happens is she tells me she has a sore on her foot caused by the heels that she said she'd wear because she was excited because I was tall. That's devotion. I don't even know what to think of that, so I take her back to my domicile and show her around a bit and then we head up to the mall. Two interesting things happen on this trip up, #1 being her shushing me when I tried to sing along with an Incubus song, which was kinda funny, and #2 being us absolutely BLOWING through a stop sign, going like 50 mph over the speed limit, which was absolutely hilarious.
So we get to the mall and head for Outback Steakhouse and end up ordering the same thing without actually conferring with the other about what we were getting. Same alterations too, haha. We picked on a guy who had a goatee and tough guy piercings and ordered a Smirnoff ice, and noticed that a lot of guys appeared to be there with their moms. Also she gave me a look and I swear my heart hit my teeth.....
Then we went and saw the movie Be Cool, which fricking ruled. I have never seen Get Shorty, which that was the sequel of, but this movie stood on its own: QUIT BEING SUCH A HARD ON!
After taking the long way around the mall to get to her car in the sub-absolute zero temperatures because I'm an absolute chode, we headed back and listened to tunes and she has the best music collection ever. She won me with the Killswitch Engage. We got back to my room and we decided that she was staying. The next morning she left, wearing nothing that she came in with save for some undergarments. I guess I have to see her again. I mean, she took my shit. haha
But seriously, this girl and I really really hit it off well and I hope things work out for us because she is mad fun and mad cool and she likes me and making out. Also I should point out that she is unreservedly hot. It's about time.
So this one's for you, Sarah Lincoln. Cheers. *clink*
And don't tell me to be cool. I AM COOL. *blam*
lad, it's your duty to find ye a lass...
Friday. 3.18.05 9:18 am
So, like everyone else in the world knows, it was St. Patty's day yesterday, and I drank. I am not one little shred Irish but I drank anyway and it was fun. Although allow me to say that Mark's Brothers is a shitty bar. I ordered a Captain and Coke and I got a water and Pepsi with a slight whiff of rum and certainly no taste. Little annoying. But I guess that makes up for the free beer that I got from going half uninvited to a party where I knew two people... haha
So today is going to rule. I'm back from my 9-12 work shift at 10, and I have one class today, and I don't have to go back in to work from 2-3:30, and I have a date tonight, and we aren't going to see Lloyd Bank$. Thank God.
four random facts about me:
Wednesday. 3.16.05 1:29 pm
1. I look really funny in a judo gi.
2. I have a date on Friday.
3. Working in IT has made me lose all the hope I have ever built up for mankind.
4. Strep throat is kind of annoying.
oh, one more thing
Saturday. 3.12.05 1:17 am
Read this link. Vomit.
I have two words for the writer of that article: FUCK YOU. The reason the nice guys get shit on is because they let themselves. Girls are NOT that goddamned hard to talk to and they are NOT that hard to approach. Furthermore they are NOT any different from guys and it's fucking arrogant to think that we feel things more deeply or differently than girls do. If you talk to a girl and she likes you and you like her, she's just as nervous as you are. She still doubts some of the moves she makes just as much as you do, no matter how confident she seems on the outside. So suck it up and stop being such a suck-ass crybaby little pussy "nice guy" asshole high-handed egotistical bitch. Talk to the girl already. TAKE A FUCKING RISK. What's your damn problem?
phone calls and foreshadowing
Saturday. 3.12.05 12:32 am
I was on the phone with Joel today and he and I talked about some stuff that I was thinking about later tonight. We were discussing the ways our life philosophies had changed since we were younger and it made me recall a feeling I used to get a lot, now it's rare.
When I think about stuff that makes me angry or irritated, or people I don't like very much or who I feel act maliciously towards me, or anything that just makes me unhappy, I get tense. I wrinkle my brow and my shoulders and chest get all tense and I feel like I want to kill everything I see. Okay, not that severe but you get the idea: my focus is ruined and I can't think of anything except how angry I am. It's a sad state. It feels like I'm possessed by fear and anger and I often feel like I'm the worst person in the world and nobody anyone should look up to because I am clearly nobody who is at peace with himself.
I often think/thought this very same thing about the people I was directing my mental ire towards; I project these qualities of being awful people on those people. It's a funny situation and I wonder how much of any of that crap is true ever. Now I'm starting to think none of it is, and that the only person who has really ever been plagued with a guilty conscience is me. And believe me, I have enough things to guilt four people's consciences down to utter self-loathing.
Of course sometimes I feel bad for having ever thought this stuff because it's embarrassing to know that you once thought like an animal. But I'm coming out of that cloud now. I have a million stupid little problems and a million people I could blame for every one of them and I don't care anymore. I'm happy with me and what I'm doing in my life; where I'm going; my goals and my achievements; my progress and lack of progress. Everything has been going really right for me and I'm writing this entry to celebrate that a bit.
I have been talking to this awesome girl lately. Her name is Sarah and she is very fun. She is the aforementioned Hot Lock Haven Girl. And she is coming out to meet me on Friday and I'm excited. I have no idea how it's going to go; only how I want it to go. We have talked on IM every day, so I think I will call her tomorrow if I get half a chance or an inkling. The reason I'm writing this tonight is because we had kind of a "miss" conversation. It wasn't eye-opening or terribly interesting or even all that happy, just a lot of laughing and not much actual talking. So, back to the reason I'm writing: I have an utterly unreconcilable feeling inside me right now. I feel nervous that I may have said something stupid and this meeting on Friday will suck as a result, but at the same time I feel just as strongly that I don't care, and that neither of us did anything wrong; moreover we both did everything right and I'm just getting impatient and I gotta breathe. No need to get super-obsessed over someone I may very well end up hating, and no need to rush into anything if something does develop.
That is how my philosophy of living has changed. I still get all the same old feelings I used to get, but I take them for what they are worth and understand them before I reject or accept them. I guess those two words are too harsh, so what I really mean is "before I talk myself out of it, or acquiesce to agree." I'm convinced one of the secrets to life that I had been pining for so badly, I have not only found, but I can explain it: go with the flow. Be gentle with yourself beyond a wholesome discipline, as Desiderata in my module says. Don't pedal against the current, because all things are moved ceaselessly into action by forces of Nature and it is foolish beyond belief to try and change Nature.
I can't change shit. Back when I was voting for Kerry in November, I had this idea that because I got all pissed off about the possibility that George Bush could get re-elected, and a bunch of other people did too, that my collective irritation would bring a change to the results of the election. Of course that didn't fucking happen. I smacked my forehead until I was bruised for thinking such a retarded idea. Now if I could go back and do it again, I still would vote the same way. That wouldn't change because George Bush represents everything not peaceful to me*. But that youthful stupid fucking collegiate idealism went out the window with my hopes of the guy getting elected. Which I suppose was a really good thing for me because I had gotten angry at a lot of my friends for staying out of the fray. Blah blah.
Oh well. These things you learn I guess.
*see second paragraph.
There is no point to this rambling piece of crap entry. Just some things I was thinking about.
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