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My goals this long weekend.
Saturday. 9.4.10 10:28 pm
To read both:
The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus
The Crimes of Sheila McGough
by next week

Today is Saturday
Thus, I have tonight
and the day after.

Ah, well
only Dr. Faustus
it is.

hungry...but it's 10:30pm. maybe some toast...

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It's so frigging hot!
Tuesday. 8.31.10 5:34 pm
And that's it.

Well, that and I miss HK. =(

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How can you love international flights, dave?
Saturday. 8.28.10 8:55 am
It's 15 hours non-stop
and the last 8 is kinda like squealing wheels against a brick wall.
Because you have to decide
whether to get a headstart on fixing jetlag
or throw caution to the wind
and watch all the movies/TV shows/comedies/dramas you want.

effin byotch
she's effin crazy.
*end of interruption*

The more important question:

What do you all know about
the hostage incident in Manila, Philippines
involving 21 tourists from Hong Kong?

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Wow, it's been a long time.
Saturday. 8.14.10 7:47 pm
My grandmother passed away seven days after my last entry.

Things haven't changed much. =)
But I had a few family days with my dad's side of the family!
(I don't do that very often)
And I learned some things about my family/grandmother.

Incredibly, my mom made negative fuss about it.
(Meeting dad's side of the fam)
(Not that I'm much surprised that she did)
Even when my grandma was dying,
my mom told me not to go so often,
that it was the thought that counted,
that I needn't go because my grandmother couldn't see me.
Then afterwards, we had a visit up to her grave
a few days after the burial
and my ma still made a little fuss,
saying I didn't have to go
that it didn't matter
because I was a female grandchild.


Anyway, good news!



Yes, my internship is over.
It ended yesterday. =(

Comment!!! Let me know ya'll are aliiiiive!

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Saturday. 7.10.10 8:12 pm
My father's family agreed and indeed signed the "Do Not Resucitate" papers.

And they're going to get ComfortCare soon.
Which means taking her off all the meds (blood pressure & heart beat regulators, etc.)
The ventilator will still be there,
but she will be mostly on her own
and she'll live out the rest of her...time
by her own...ability, her own body
until she...

passes on her own.

Today was the first day of dance,
but I didn't go.

In other news,
I finished:
You're Beautiful
(A.N. Jell! Jang Geun Suk! Park Shin Hye! Cutie Jeremy, aka Lee Hong Ki!)
And now I'm on to:
Beethoven Virus
(Jang Geun Suk! Kim Myung Min!)
White Tower
(Lee Sun Gyun! Kum Myung Min!)

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Identity Crisis
Wednesday. 7.7.10 10:21 pm
I'm fighting, fighting so hard.

Why, why do I have to choose?
China, Asia
I do not belong to neither
But I am not myself without them either.

American born
I say
No way
They say.

Asian blood
I feel
100% not
They say.

Kristeva was right.
Neither subject nor object
On the border
With no choice before me
Only the hopelessness
Of reality.

I know
Time is a healer
One that builds a mountain
Of experience
Which narrows the border line.

But when will that line disappear?
Will it?
How long until then?

I do not fit here.
I do not fit there.
I do not fit anywhere.

I can rhyme no longer.
Seuss help me.


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Life must end. How it ends, we never know before.
Monday. 7.5.10 7:45 pm
So my grandmother is in the hospital. My dad's mother.

She was never all that healthy. She stayed indoors mostly, watching Chinese dramas day in and day out. Her memory slowly started to go. Her hearing got worse. She was still very happy and...a normal grandmother.

Now she's unconscious in a hospital bed with a tube down her throat and needles everywhere hooked up to various machines. My aunt told me today that most likely...she won't wake up.

I'll never hear her voice again. Never see her smile again. Never hear her laugh or call me "little daughter".

But one thing I don't need to feel guilty about: Even though I was not very close to her, I did make an effort to visit her on my own. Unfortunately, I only started to do that recently in the last year or half year or so. The total visits can probably be counted on one hand, maybe two. But I made an effort. And I came to see her. I think I visited her last month. I'm happy about that. My last memory wasn't a bad one. I try not to end visits or even day-to-day meet-n-greets poorly, because you never know if it is the last. I was always subconsciously afraid that I'd leave my loved ones, or vice versa, on a bad note and have guilt like we see on TV. I'm glad I don't have that.

So the diagnosis as of today--and by the way, the real doctors aren't even here bc it's a holiday so it's mostly been interns. >.> Can you believe that? They'll be back tomorrow for a full reexamination, but my aunts had me come in (I stayed the whole day) just in case she couldn't wait that long--is that she had a mini-stroke and then a heart attack. Her kidney(s) is(are) failing bc of an infection. Yesterday she was breathing by 75% ventilator, 25% her own power. Today it's 100% ventilator. So my aunt says--and I agree--it's better that she doesn't wake up bc she'd be disoriented and fighting the tube/machine that was breathing for her. No one wants to spend the rest of their days with a tube down their throat, unable to speak, and stuck in a stupid hospital room with needles and machines everywhere. Definitely not my grandmother. She pulled everything out several times when she first came in. Got the nurse so angry. *laughs* But that was before her stroke/heart-attack.

Yeah, she came in for something else and luckily, was still in the hospital when it happened. Same day she was supposed to leave. If she had gone home that day...my other aunt says she probably really would be gone now.

The only question now is...when.

Any suggestions for good songs to listen to? No preachy stuff about how good life is, please. Just good songs that you like and maybe might fit. I don't know. At this point I'm up for anything. Good music in general. Preferably not about death. Sorry, randomjunk. XD LMAO. I don't need to run now, do I? *runs*

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Friday. 7.2.10 12:30 am
I'm still feeling the after-effects of discovering my dual-whatever-you-wanna-call-it. But I'm getting the hang of it. Despite the natural occurrences of mood swings due to unfinished self-rehabilitation/discovery.

Anyway, I plan to start a blog and eventually a magazine for us Asian-American people. Most likely South Asians or maybe straight out Chinese. It would just be too broad otherwise. Starting out, it would only be me and truly, I cannot pretend to be Korean or Japanese or Singaporean or Indian or completely Chinese. Everything I know, feel, and therefore say or write will be biased in some way. I am writing strictly, irrevocably (in the present and near future) from the perspective of a young female Chinese-American New Yorker.

Magazine-wise: I kind of know how to get sponsors. It will probably be very Chinatown (and maybe Flushing) oriented in the beginning. I don't know how much it costs to print nor do I know where to print, but I do know someone who has a printing company. Maybe I'll get a discount? Perhaps I should just start out as a magazine from the very beginning. If I come up with an entity, it should/could start out as a magazine from the get-go. Whereas the blog would just be a compilation of articles and a place for me to practice.

Practice makes perfect.

I never thought I'd say that line. I absolutely hated it as a child. Shit, now I feel old.

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