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The cake is a lie...

Age. 44
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. YAHTZEE!!
Location Wyoming, MI
School. Grand Valley State Univ
» More info.


August 2019

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Monday. 7.10.06 9:18 pm
Today was a weird, weird day.

One of two things happened.

One, someone tattooed, "Crazy people, come here," on my forehead without my knowing it or two, or there was a big sign outside of that said the same thing. IN HUUUUUUUUUGE NEON LETTERS...that blinked.

I won't go into it, because there's nothing worse than someone going on and on about the specifics of their job. Because it's boring and unless you work at the same bank I do, you'll have NO idea what I'm talking about. Just believe me when I say...here there be weirdos.

Also, I'm still obsessing over the Girl's Bike Club. For one reason or another I decided to rewatch the Harry Potter movies.

I'm just waiting for those little wankers to weave their way down the winding road of drunken obscurity.

Yes, I'm wrong and evil. BLAH BLAH BLAH


Anyway, back to the GBC. So, thinking about this I decided to troll the internet and what did I find!! They've already started!!

For reals. Type in Emma Watson and beer and you get a whole page of "Hermione Granger" herself chugging away on long neck after long neck.

So, my dreams of inducting at least one Harry Potter alum into the GBC might come true. Though, seeing as she is a girl I'm not sure if she's eligible for the GBC. Maybe if Daniel "Harry Potter" Radcliff goes on a bender, we can chuck her in there as his bike bitch.


Just imagine. Old Danny boy on an electric pink Huffy, streamers flickering in the wind as he weaves down the road, drunk off his ass in ratty old repro robes that sort of look like his old costume. Behind him, perched on the wheel bolts is Emma, makeup running, hair all askew...a long neck covered by a bag clutched in her boney hand.

And as she takes another chug, she leans forward and bellows, "I'M HERMIONE FUCKING GRANGER!!"

Before burping a little and puking all over Dan, who crashes the bike into a light pole. And as she rolls on the ground moaning, her cheap pleated skirt hiked over a pimply, cellulite knotted thigh, she sits up...looking bleakly out at the gathering crowd as a continual stream of vomit leaks out one side of her mouth.

Actually, that makes me a little sad..

But the GBC does that to you sometimes.

Someone should post HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE SIGNS in Hollywood with Danny Bonaduce's face on them, with the cautionary words, "This Could Be You in Twenty Years".

Because...seriously child stars...seriously..

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I spit loopy phelgm at summer
Sunday. 7.9.06 5:26 pm
It's all hot and it hurts and stuff...again.

Even with the air on I'm warm as all get out. I cringe to think what my electric bill is gonna be.

Tired still. Husband washed the cat today. Thought it'd be funny to dump said wet cat on my while I was asleep. Thought about throwing wet cat back at him, but was too tired.

Now I'm all warm and sticky and hungry.

I should do something about that.

This journal is nothing but bitching.

I want a candy bar. I don't need one...but I want one.

I should take a nap.

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Saturday. 7.8.06 7:57 pm

Someone just made that noise that Lucy Lawless made in Xena....you know the one...


Or whateve it was.

So I'm now under the impression that Xena lives in our apartment complex. On one hand, we'll be protected from subhuman Roman despots and angry gods. On the other, we'll be more heavily targeted because Xena is here. Sure, she kicks ass and all...but now all flaming arrows through our windows and stuff.

I suppose, c'est la vie...but still.

Also, Shatner would so be in the Girl's Bike Club. Hear me out. If Tom Cruise can get in for being a total nut bar, then Shanter WOULD SO BE IN. Because he's crazier. And he'd be waaaaaaaaaaaay too into it. His bike would all be decorated like he was riding in the Fourth of July parade, except it's November and the streamers woven through the spokes have gotten all ratty and the colors have bled into each other. He'd have one of those sparkly seats, except he never takes care of his bike and is always leaving it on the lawn when it rains...then he lets it dry in the sun and the plastic's all worn and cracked.

Wow. Sorry. Had a moment there.

Gonna go lay down. I'm really tired for some reason...

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Thursday. 7.6.06 8:34 pm
I'm feeling insecure again. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT??

I need to get the "Fuck all y'all" back that has always been the basis of my personality. Somewhere along the line I started caring about what people think again and that just screws things up.


I feel better now.

It's like that one moment in "Coming to America" where Eddie Murphy is all like, "YES, FUCK YOU TOO!"...except with a frumpy little white chick....wearing a babooshka. Correction...a KNITTED babooshka and a boob shirt...yelling to her cat, who's looking at her funny, as if to say, "WTF, Noa?? WTF!!!"

Also, on the firecracker watch...THEY ARE STILL SHOOTING THEM OFF! My neighbors are INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE. If they're still going it at it this weekend, I just give up.

I'm bored.

And I wish I knew more rich people...because then they could buy my art and I'd be slightly less poor and maybe a bit more fulfilled.

I don't want to be a princess anymore.

I wanna be an EMPRESS!!


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That's just weird...
Wednesday. 7.5.06 9:15 pm

Okay, I'm probably just being a douche bag about it. But I just don't like hearing things 'splode outside my apartment. We don't live in the worst area ever but it's not the best either. Anyway, it's just freaking me out.

I haven't been the same since we got our door kicked in two years ago.

Stupid people suck.

I need to move to an abandoned shack.

Also, husband just walking in and staring at me...kinda creepy. I love him and all, but that's just weird.

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Monday. 7.3.06 7:14 pm
I've had the soundtrack from Disney's "Hunchback of Notre Dame" stuck in my head for about a week and a half now. I even bought a cheap copy of the movie, hoping that if I watched it I'd get it out of my system.

Evidently, I was wrong because it's still THERE...IN MY HEAD THE BELLS ARE RINGING!!

I have to say after having watched Disney's version of the Hunchback...it's really dark...for Disney. Seriously. There's an entire song about how much the villain of the story, one Claude Frollo, lusts after the lovely heroine, Esmeralda.

Here's a lyrics site, peruse, if you will, the songs. Check out Hellfire in particular...it's the one I'm talking about, after all.

Lyrics AHOY!

Okay, sure. He's not saying that he's gonna assfuck her with a spikey dildo or whatever, but for Disney...that's pretty dark dude. He's talking about how much he lusts after her and explaining his EEBIL plan to burn her to death if she doesn't put out for him.

Seriously...dudes...seriously....that's dark, man.

I sincerely wish that Disney had the cajones to go even darker, after all, Victor Hugo's original work was really, really, REALLY dark. It's like Hamlet. Everyone dies miserable and alone. What's worse, in the original there really are no heroes. Esmeralda is a simpering idiot, pretty but dumb as a bag of hammers. Phoebus is equally dumb but good looking, the only difference being instead of being a superficial bitch, he's a bastard. Frollo is even creepier in the original version and Quasimodo is a monster. He isn't cute, cuddly or even remotely likeable. He is a freakish dullard, whose social skills are stunted because he's spent his entire life IN A FRIGGING BELL TOWER. ALONE.

At the end, I was kind of sad, but at the same time..I didn't really feel bad for the characters. They all sort of got what was coming to them. Except for Phoebus, who should have been hit by cart...but wasn't.

Back to the Disney-fied version, which is really more a homage to the 1939 Charles Laughton version. For real. Disney's version and that version have so much in common it's silly. They shouldn't have put in the credits, based on the novel by Victor Hugo. They should have put based on the 1939 Adaptation by Bruno Frank of the original novel written by Victor Hugo. Truth in advertising folks...truth in advertising.

All of this aside. I am unreasonably amused by the song, "A Guy Like You".

I'm amused not only because at the beginning they're casually referring to Paris being burnt to the ground. And because I am sick, I find this very funny. I'm also amused by their kind but misguided attempts to encourage Quasimodo. Because while they mean well, the compliments are clearly disingenuous.

In talking this over with my husband this afternoon, first I had to admit we were even discussing something so dumb, second, both of us agree that maybe gargoyles have different aesthetics than humans. So maybe they are being genuine. But I'm not so sure.

I mean, really? How does being shaped like a croissant enter into anyone's aesthetic? If my husband was shaped like a croissant, I'm pretty sure that wouldn't make him more desirable. In fact, I think I'd be pretty freaked out about that. Especially considering he wasn't shaped like a croissant the day before.

I suppose they're saying he's tasty. But who looks for tasty when looking for a mate?

Cannibals maybe...

Still, that line amuses me to no end for its sheer ridiculousness.

Also, was watching "Law and Order" this evening and was amused by a random line uttered by an extra, "I was in the chess club."

It was seriously that random. Lenny and the other guy were talking to a school principal about some kid they suspected in a murder case. The principal proceeded to talk about the kids and from out of nowhere he had this little rambling speech about jocks...and then that last line. It was so weird, that it's stuck with me and probably will for a very long time.

Ten years from now, I'll probably look over at my husband and say, "I was in the chess club, " and then laugh uproariously.

One last thought. While I was watching my husband play "Kingdom Hearts 3" today, we got to the part where Sora first leaves Twilight Town and he starts crying for no reason. Out of the blue, my husband quips just as the tear hits Sora's cheek, "Usul gives water to the dead."

I laughed so hard I nearly blew milk out of my nose.

Again, this proves that sometimes you just had to be there. Same time, it was too funny not to share.

For those that don't get it, "Usul gives water to the dead" is a not so subtle reference to "Dune" by Frank Herbert.

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