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The story of a girl, and the boy
Sunday. 9.25.16 11:39 am
She was lonely, and bored, searching through a bunch of faces, swiping mostly left. There were a few here and there that she would swipe right on. Several of these faces had additional photos at the bottom, attached to a separate account, filled with even more photos. After another week or so, she decided that she was too bored with swiping left or right, so she deleted that account, but there was a few of these additional accounts that she would still look through occasionally.

Finally, one day, she decided to be brave enough to like a couple of these photos on one of the accounts, expecting nothing in return, since there'd been a distinct lack of reciprocation from other such gestures. Instead, she got far more reciprocation than anticipated. It caught her off guard, so she reached out, to say thank you.

It turned in to a small back and forth conversation, which then turned to an exchange of phone numbers, and became a daily thing. She got excited about it, and thought, oh, maybe this could go somewhere good! Little did she know, it wouldn't go how she wanted.

She was too giddy about this, but he was so nice! And attentive! He seemed to be okay with the fact that she was so open about things, how she felt, what she thought. The two of them had several things in common; one of her favorite little things that she discovered was that they both hated some of the same foods. It would make dinner dates much easier.

She allowed her mind to wander off to places that it shouldn't. Conversations were about anything and everything. He wasn't really too open on talking about specifics in his personal life, but she felt like that would come with time. Maybe he was just shy? She let it go, and would revisit later.

They met face to face a week after starting up a conversation, and he was even better in person! His voice was so soothing to listen to, he was funny, he made her smile just by being present. Good things are going to come from this, she thought. The fact that the conversation continued even after meeting up, seemed even more promising. It continued even a week later, a month later, but at this point, things were starting to turn.

He became evasive. Suddenly he was always too busy to make time to get together again, but maybe. He would bring up the possibility, then remember this thing he had to do. Or it was blamed on other factors, roommates, friends, activities that were suddenly at the forefront of memory. She thought, okay, maybe he's just busy now. But he seemed really interested in hanging out again, so if she keeps in touch, it'll happen, right? Yeah, it'll happen.

Another month, and still nothing. She got tired of feeling avoided so she voiced her frustrations. She could have handled things differently, sure, but she's rash, abrasive. In the moment, do now, think later. She did warn him that she wasn't nice. She would apologize after every time she snapped. But it got worse.

He just kept egging her on. Eventually he would stop suggesting they hang out, the conversations from the beginning would change. He would no longer talk about her, but about a third party. It was no longer "you" or "we," but rather "them" or "they."

Instead of letting go, she just kept on it. Pushing harder and harder, only making things worse for both of them.

She finally snapped. She lashed out one final time, in an overly abrasive, verbally violent way. And she knew, she knew she was pushing too far, but she didn't care any more. When she finally pushed it one text too far, and he vanished, she hated herself. She hated that she'd gone too far. She questioned why she couldn't learn, why she couldn't have just let it go when she first realized that it wasn't going to become a relationship, or even a friendship. She sent an apology text, and left a tear-filled voicemail saying sorry, and left it alone.

If he wanted to keep talking to her, he would reach out, right? That's what everyone reassured her, despite the fact that all of her friends, at this point, were questioning why she hadn't just let it go. She enjoyed talking to him, she'd say. He was just busy, he'll come around and want to hang out again. But not after that. She at least felt a little better about finally getting it all out of her system, but not about how she'd handled it.

He did finally text back, after a couple days, but it was different. Suddenly there was talk about why he should bother keeping in touch. She tried pathetically to plead her case, but it still kept coming up.

Her friends started to question her reasoning to keep in touch with him even more. He was belittling her, manipulating her, controlling her. But she couldn't just let go. "Just drop him, stop responding." No, she'd say. She hated when people did that to her, so she wasn't going to do that to him. In her mind, she knew that he'd hate her, and that bothered her more than knowing the things that he was saying to her weren't right.

During the most recent month, however, her mind started to change. She realized she wasn't as upset about the fact that there was no chance of seeing him again. She'd not get as frustrated when the conversation would turn to questioning her judgments. Of course, the things he was saying would still get to her, but she'd stop it before it consumed her, and she snapped again.

She learned that they seem to be the only two people who still want to talk to the other; all of his friends think that he should have dropped her a long time ago as well. With this knowledge, she laughed. She got more amusement out of it than she should have, since she suddenly realized she wasn't alone. She has no idea what his train of thought is, but maybe it's closer to her's than she realizes.

She has a plan, it needs to stop. She needs to stop, and she will. It'll suck for a while, but she'll at least do it the right way. She's not going to just disappear, and stop responding. Despite how her friends think and feel toward the situation, she's going to go about it the right way. Or, at least, the nice way. Rather than just disappearing, she'll make sure he knows that she's going to stop.

She can't keep doing this to herself. It's not healthy. She deserves better, someone that will actually want to be around her, will look past her flaws and still think that she's the best thing that's ever happened to them.

And she needs to disconnect from him in order to find herself again. Perhaps one day they can be friends, but today... today she needs to disconnect.

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New look
Thursday. 9.15.16 8:49 pm
After years, and years, of having the same colors, font, etc, I finally decided to change it up. I feel like it's a little easier to read now.

Tomorrow is Friday, and I'm super thankful that it's finally here. I know that people keep saying to live life one day at a time, and to stop wishing weekends would come faster. But I'm looking forward to my vacation, which is rapidly approaching {though I would still like for it to be sooner than it actually is} and the weekend means no work.

This will be my free weekend, to just chill out and do nothing. I mean, I guess I can go do things, so long as they don't cost money. I'm gonna be extra careful with my spending for the next week and a half {really, it'll be much longer than that, because I gotta pay the rent with the check I get right before I go on vacation... but I do want to still have a place to come back home to} so that I'll have at least some kind of extra play money for this trip. I was horrible at saving for this trip. Every time I got paid, and had a bit extra, instead of putting it aside, I'd just spend it because I had it. I don't really want to even think about how much money I've spent on alcohol alone this year. Let alone all the eating out to go with the alcohol.

I'm slowly starting to let people know that I'll be visiting so that they can plan for it. Most of this vacation is for me to get away and de-stress, but parts of it will be going back to my roots and visiting family members I've not seen in over a decade. In some cases, longer. And to also reconnect with the people I briefly saw at my cousin's wedding last summer. They're new parents now ... which is kind of strange to me, but definitely not unexpected. They were together for 10 years after all. They at least got the wedding and honeymoon out of the way before starting a family.

This morning started out in a weird headspace for me. I didn't feel well, mentally, so then all of a sudden, a couple hours in to my shift, my stomach rebelled against me so then I really didn't feel well at all. I just wanted to come home and sleep. However, since it's typically frowned upon to leave in the middle of your shift, I stayed and pushed through it. I talked to a couple of my coworkers about some things I'd had on my mind, and by the end of the shift, I felt quite a bit better. It's nice to know that I have people who will be there for me, regardless. And people whom, if they say something that bothers me, that I can say something to them and they don't get defensive or bothered that I was bothered. I like to know that they can do the same with me.

Anywho, now that I've kind of rambled a bit more than I planned, I shall end this here. Not sure how much I'll write before I leave... guess we'll find out.

Until then. . .

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Two weeks
Tuesday. 9.13.16 6:54 pm
It'll be nice to get away from my real life for a bit. Away from work, away from home, away from normal life. I have a more solid plan for what I'm going to be doing in the middle of my vacation, but I've yet to figure out what I'm going to do for the first bit, and the last bit. I'm sure it'll be figured out as time goes on. I'm also pretty sure that there's going to be things that I want to do, that I won't realize I'll want to do until it's too late. Half the time when I take my longer vacations, I spend a lot of time doing pretty much what I do at home: lazing about, playing on the internet. Oh well. It's my time to relax, to get away, to reset, to not think about rushing around, or stressing about anything.

I started doing some exercises again... man, are my muscles not where they were. I'm not surprised in the least, as it's been a few months since I really tried. I wanted to lose this final 5lbs before I went on vacation; that was 6 weeks ago. I haven't really tired to lose it, so I'm not bothered by the fact that I haven't. I've maintained exactly where I have been since I hit the 40lb mark so that's at least something. It's a lot easier to be careful about what I eat, and to get back on track when I have a splurge weekend. My system tells me, rather quickly, when it's not happy with what I've put in it. I guess that's what a year+ of eating healthier will do to you.

I really don't have a whole ton of things to write about, despite having meant to write twice in the last week, and clearly not meeting that objective. You'd think I'd have more to say, but no. I am, however, going to end with a quote that hits a little too close to home for me right now. It's been on my phone for a while, but I feel it hits home more than it really should ...

"One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive."

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Monday. 9.5.16 9:25 am
I guess this is the moment every year when I start the "official" countdown until my birthday, since it's a month away. This is also pretty much when I stop talking about it to people. Perhaps subconsciously I care a lot more about this day than I let on, but this also falls back in to the fact that I have trouble appearing excited. I get excited about things, but I'm so used to something going wrong, that I'm always afraid of getting too excited, then having it all blow up in my face. So I either feign nonchalance, or complete disinterest, this way when it goes right, I can act surprised.

I'm not really sure if any of that made any sense ... I just woke up 20 minutes ago. My brain isn't where it normally is when I write these things.

PAX was a lot of fun! There were definitely a lot of people. I went to the one panel I wanted to go to. It's the same one I've been wanting to go to for a couple years now. I live streamed it last year, which was fine. But it was cool seeing them in person this time around. I actually got to meet two of them; not the two I'd have liked to meet, but still really awesome to meet people that I watch on YouTube.

I'm definitely thankful that I had a friend with me, who was a veteran PAX-goer, so that I could be shown the ropes without getting completely lost. I wouldn't have lasted long on my own. Next year I will probably be more prepared; I'll do more research on to what exactly I want to go do and see. I'll make sure to have more money saved up so that I might be able to actually buy something that catches my interest. Maybe I'll even wear contacts so that I can play around with the VR.

I'm thankful for the fact that today is a holiday. After the incredibly full day that was Saturday, I would not have been ready to go back to work today. It'll be only slightly more productive today than yesterday, as I've already got laundry in the wash, and I'll be showering at some point later. I may even leave my pod to go get food. Maybe. There's a lot of places closed today so I'll probably just end up staying indoors again.

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Early morning
Saturday. 9.3.16 8:25 am
It's kinda early still. Much earlier than I'd normally volunteer myself to be awake. But I'm leaving the pod in about 20, 25 minutes and I wanted to type something up real quick. I meant to write on Thursday... oops.

I'm going to my first convention today, PAX to be specific. I'm not sure what to expect, other than A LOT of people. I'm only going today, which is fine. I lucked in to the fact that the one panel I wanted to see happens to be today, which is the first thing I'm going to be doing. A friend of mine bought my ticket, with a mass purchase of his own, plus a bunch of other friends. One of his friends backed out at the last minute, however, and so I have another friend who normally goes, but was unable to obtain tickets, who bought it. So I'll at least have people around to kind of show me the ropes.

{I'm sorry if there are any typos in here ... I don't even have my glasses on yet so I can barely see the screen}

Yesterday was my appointment. It went ... okay. I'm at least okay enough to go a few more times to see how it progresses. Next one is not until after my vacation, though, so I guess that's a good thing. Means whatever stress I may encounter while on vacation can be disposed of at that appointment. I'll need to leave a little early from work again, but I may ask my manager if I can just come in 15 minutes early that day so that I can leave 15 minutes early. I'm sure she wouldn't have an issue with it.

Anywho, I need to start getting ready to head Downtown. It's going to be a very full day. . .

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Monday. 8.29.16 7:39 pm
Once I get back from my vacation, some things are going to change. If the things I wanted to do in regard to this change didn't cost money, I'd start immediately. For now, however, I will wait it out the next 4 weeks, relying on free methods until then.

Sunset is before 8pm now, and it's nice being able to take a shower earlier without being afraid of making the heat in my apartment skyrocket. It's nice being able to go to bed at 8:30 if I want to, because it's actually dark enough to be able to easily fall asleep.

Today got warm, as predicted, but 81 didn't really feel that hot compared to just a few days ago when it was 91. It's 80 in my pod right now, but with the fan blowing, I'm getting chills. There was a slight hint of frost in the air last night and I may have actually fallen asleep with a smile on my face. Autumn is my absolute favorite time of year. I'm aware of the fact that we still have 3 weeks left of summer, but knowing that Autumn is so close ... just makes me happy.

Maybe it's a subconscious thing, going all the way back to childhood, as to why this time of year is my favorite. My birthday is in Autumn, and as a child that's one thing that you look forward to. Even though I don't much care about the birthday part anymore, I still very much look forward to this time of year. Things start to cool off, the winds change, the sun sets in a different part of the sky, birds migrate, snow dusts the mountaintops, colors change. If I am ever to get in to a relationship again, this is my favorite time of year for cuddles.

The other things I wanted to bring up the other day, I feel, have kind of been resolved. So I guess there's no need to bring them up. I finally admitted to what I'd been avoiding saying out loud to anyone, and it feels better getting it out, saying it out loud so to speak. It was in text, but that's still saying it to someone else. Not sure what will happen next, but I guess I'll find out.

This weekend is PAX weekend. It's my first ever convention and I'm ... anxiously excited. I know there's going to be A LOT of people around. Luckily, I'm not going alone. I'd likely end up having an panic attack in the middle of the floor, and someone would have to call 911. That definitely wouldn't aid in conquering my social anxieties. I'm going with a small group of friends, but the one friend I'm going to be hanging with most of the time. She's going to be going with me to a panel in the morning, and I'll be joining her for a panel she wants to go to in the afternoon. It's the least I could do for her being okay with sitting in for the one I want to see. This will be the determining factor, however, as to whether I want to go to any other conventions ... really ever.

Anywho, I think I'm gonna take advantage, again, of the earlier setting sun and call it another early night. Here's to a reasonable Tuesday.

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