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Thoughts...depression
Wednesday. 11.10.04 6:36 am
Well its about 6:30 am...i've been up for about 22 hours now...i went to bed early last night (and by that i mean 1:30ish) and woke up at 8:30ish because i couldn't sleep anymore...i was planning on getting 13+ hours of sleep, instead i got somewhere between 6 and 7 hours of sleep...oh well, lots of sleep planned for tonight, tomorrow night and the next.

I got an Ebay sellers acount today...i haven't sold anything on ebay in forever...i missed it quite a bit...why? because i know what i'm doing and i know i can make a shitload of money if i put my mind to it...now what happened to the last account? well we won't get too far into it but Kollin was selling illegal things on ebay and was caught...enough said there.

Hopefully between selling stuff on ebay and getting my job back in mid to late november, i'll be getting some cash flow here...i do have a couple purchases in mind though (excluding fuckin christmas)...Best Buy has a couple sales going on...damn Best Buy...but hopefully i can get some money back.

My stomach hurts at the moment and i don't know why...i ate some Burger King earlier and i think thats the reason...i had some really bad gas and then bad stomach aches...well not too bad but noticable.

I guess not a lot has changed for me...well on Monday one thing did and that was just a burden lifted off of my shoulders and i'm waiting for the clean start there...i'm not gonna say what i'm talking about though...quite embarrassing for me.

Feelings wise on people and certain situations...i guess nothings changed there...i'd like some things to change there but still...well, maybe slightly changed for the better but every now and then i get in a mood about these things...it would be nice to talk about them with someone but i just don't think thats possible...i dunno if it would help anyways.

I'm hoping to sleep a great deal for a little bit here...like i said before, i wish i could just sleep my life away but i can't...the problem is that once i wake up, i like staying up...i'm a night person...hence why i'm up at 6:30 am, not having slept yet...but maybe i can fall into a routine here and it'll help me out.

I'm kinda depressed at the moment...kinda tired from lack of sleep...kinda horny cuz well, i'm a guy...well, a 20 year old virgin guy...see in some ways i think of that as being bad...but in some ways i think of that as being good...i'm not gonna say "well i'm waiting until i'm married to do that" because given the oppourtunity beforehand, i probably would do it before marriage...but i will say that i'd certainly have to do it with someone i was absolutely comfortable with...you might think thats easy but meet me in person and you'll see that that would obviously be a hard thing for me to be comfortable with someone...it'll happen one of these days.

You know life's not really hard on me...in fact, lifes actually quite good for me...the only things that interfere is emotions and i spose hormones...like i've said before, if i just didn't give a shit about anyone, and didn't give a shit about what people thought of me, life would be a billion times better...but i take things badly...especially rejection of any kind...and certainly you can argue that nobody takes rejection well but i REALLY don't take it well...it just sits there in my mind and constantly comes up time after time...i mean i remember getting rejected by this girl i asked out in the 6th grade...it was quite hard on me...being dumped is a very big form of rejection...and that really gets to me as well...it pretty much tells me i'm not good enough...it tells me i'm not worth it...and i'm the kind of guy that does whatever it takes for a relationship to work...and even after all of that i still get dumped, its just hard on me...thats like a big rejection, but along with the big rejection always comes little rejections within it...those hurt a great deal too...i dunno, regarding that stuff i guess i'm a sensitive guy...it hurts me a great deal.

i build up thoughts in my head about situations around me, the people around me...like i'm a failure...i'm never gonna get anywhere...i'm never gonna get what i want in life...anything thats good will end eventually...and these thoughts just stay there...sure theres moments when i'm happy and i push those thoughts away but they always come up...ruin things sometimes...thats why i get depressed so easily...things like failure and rejection...the actual event happens and that initially puts the thoughts into my head...then they stay there for years on end...its like i just keep them there in my head...and over 20 years i've collected a fair amount...i mean i could sit there in bed and just go over them every night...depresses me and hurts me...i just don't know how to let go of these things...drives me crazy sometimes.

There are lots and lots of things i'd love to put into this but i just don't think sharing my thoughts on those subjects would be a good idea...i did start a private entry...its saved on my computer and i'm not done with it...i'll finish it over the next couple of days...though, why get your hopes up? you're not gonna see it anyways lol...those two or three people who happen to look at my journal lol...i shall write more some other time.

Its 7 am and Kollin needs...i guess i'll talk to Resa for a bit then go...haven't talked to her in a while...goodnight people...or goodmorning really.

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Long Entry about all kinds of stuff
Friday. 11.5.04 6:04 pm
Well i slept most of the day away...i woke up to my phone ringing...didn't answer it...didn't feel like talking to the person who called...but even though i got 8 hours of sleep, i'm extremely tired and groggy...so now i'm talkin with some people, drinking water, looking stuff up

i think i'll get chicken for dinner tonight...popeyes chicken...good stuff...i love the beans & rice and the biscuits...well, its all good really

i bought AFI's new CD yesterday...pretty good CD

i wanna go back to sleep...to be honest, i wish i could just sleep my life away...i could do it too if i had the chance...every now and then just wake up to pee and grab a bite to eat, pass out again...when my parents leave during thanksgiving, oh man...nobodys really gonna be around, online or offline...my plans are to get a shit load of sleep

I think i'm starting to wake up a little...of course its 6 pm but still...this is actually a good thing because i'll have to drive to get food...i'm not as aware when i'm groggy and tired

i wrote this long over-a-page entry last night but decided to delete it...it was gonna be a "private entry" anyways...i have a lot of thoughts about things and people, that i want to get out...i've done it several times before...write a long entry and then just delete it...theres really no point because no ones gonna see it and i'm not gonna let anyone see it...i guess cuz i don't feel like sharing my thoughts on those things...though i do have a lot of thoughts on people and whats goin on in my life right now...and if i tell people these things, i dunno...i know the answers to my problems, i'm just too lazy or something to actually fix them...with people, i dunno...i know the answers there too but for some reason i don't want to try and fix that...its like i'd rather sit here and do nothing and be miserable than do something about these things just cuz its easier that way...but there are some things that i have absolutely no choice but to fix...i'm sure you people are like "wtf is he talkin about?" but i'm just thinking out loud without being detailed...I just don't want to come across as being mean, or pathetic, or stupid or something

I get depressed easily and i think way too much...i worry about so many things...its actually hard not to worry about anything...most times i wish i could just not give a shit about anything...not care about anyone...not care about myself...not care about what other people think...but unfortunately i can't be like that...makes things hard on me

Its just a down day for me...i have my better days and my shittier days...this is a shittier day...on good days i'm actually positive about some things...on days like this, i'm negative about everything

On a lighter note, i may write in here more often...especially since i have more time on my hands and well, depression creeps up on me more often when i don't have much to do and i feel i need write something

The election and stuff was good...i voted and everything...i'm a Republican and i voted for Bush...of course, all of my friends are democrats and wanted Kerry to win...but Bush won and the Republicans are the majority in the House and Senate so this is a good thing...i won't go into detail about why i support Bush and not Kerry...theres no point, you're all fuckin democrats...some day you jackass's will look back and realize how good this president truly is and what he did for our nation

I dunno what else to write...maybe i'll write another entry tonight or something...its a possibility...though i sure have made this one long...maybe i'll actually write a private entry and make it official instead of just deleting it...could be good for me...we'll see...talk to you people later i spose

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Been a while...
Wednesday. 9.1.04 5:52 pm
Well...been about 2 or more months since i've updated lol...started my second year of college...sucks of course but at least its not high school...i'm working at the same time too, at In & Out Textbooks across from the college...The job is really easy, in fact, for 70% of my day i sit on my ass...much much MUCH better job than Fazoli's, Quizno's, or Wendy's...and get this, i still get free food!...the owner has this frig in the back with food and sodas and theres also chips in there...tis nice...school...well my classes are: Physics I (2425), Calculus III, Government, and History II...wednesdays and mondays are the worst...today is in fact one of those shitty days...let me tell you how it goes: Class from 8 to 10, work from 10 to 3, recover from my long morning from 3 to 7, class from 7 to 9:30, recover from my evening from 9:30 to whenever i pass out from moving too much in a day...tuesdays i work from 9 to 3 and go to class from 6 to 9...thursdays i work from 9 to 3 and the rest is a day off (yay! an evening to myself!)...Fridays i have class from 8 to 10 and work from 10 to 3...saturdays i have class from 9 to 12...sundays, oh man, this is where kollin sits on his ass and doesn't do the homework hes suppose to...to be honest, i really have no time for homework, and when i do, i just don't do it lol...in fact, i should be doing homework as we speak (say oh, physics lab write up, 5 sections of calculus, reading in history, and reading and paper in government)...so i have THAT to look forward to in my spare time...pretty much, i feel like shooting myself...when the "rush" from work dies down and i'll have nothing to do, then i can do my homework at work...see at the moment that 70% of my sitting on my ass (yes pete, i reduced the number i gave you) is mostly me recovering from doing strenuous things like lifting a book or two and placing them on a shelf...i know, hard work, but someone has to do it...when it all comes down to it, i procrastinate...oh man do i procrastinate...its horrible...theres absolutely nothing in me that'll make me do my homework...i'll do it eventually...i work well under pressure though...really i do...last semester i wrote a 12 page paper in english in one night...not only that but i got a B+ on it...damn good if you ask me...that story will be around for a while...until i get to that 30 page paper in whatever class done in one day...i know i'm putting myself in bad positions here but i dunno what to do to make myself stop being lazy and just do the damn homework...i use to be so good at doing my homework and not worrying about it so much...that was in high school and the begining part of my first semester in college...after that, things went downhill...now i tell myself all the time "mehhh, i have plenty of time, why throw away good time of doing nothing on homework!?"...i know, you say "man kollin's living on the edge" oh yeah...lol anyways...i got a few new playstation games that i have no time to play...i got Devil May Cry ($9!!!!), Rainbow Six 3 ($20!!), and ESPN football 2k5 (also $20!!)...i'm cheap so those are good deals...if i tried hard enough and had time, i could probably get better prices on ebay but for now, that will do...couple of games that i do want are: Madden Football 2005 Limited Edition (it has old madden games included in it), and possibly Manhunt...i've heard its pretty good and its only $20 at best buy...i'm doing fantasy football this year again, yes the champion has come back for another year (kicked my brothers ass in the championship last year...oh yeah...am i good or am i good? nahh i'm damn good!)...i dunno how i'm gonna fit that into my schedule but i'll make it work...my collecting CDs has ceased to halt...kinda...i need to save money so thats why it kinda stopped...in total i have 567 CDs...i know, kinda a low number but i bought a bunch of metallica CDs from a guy and i should be getting those any time soon...so with that i should be looking at around 600 CDs soon...i know what you're thinking "meh kinda a low number there kollin, lets get goin on this CD collecting here" but i'm getting there...man i do NOT want to go to class tonight...i'm debating on whether or not i should go...maybe i'll just go to half the class like i did last time...i dunno...things with the girlfriend are great...don't say anything but i bought her a dozen roses yesterday and she should get them tomorrow...i was going to go with white roses but i got her those for her birthday...and red roses are too common sooo i went with a mix...its a mix of red, white, peach, pink, and orange roses...and theres chocolates included in that...you ask "but kollin, why give the girlfriend flowers? special occasion?" why no, no special occasion at all, just wanted to show her i love her...i say i love her everyday but why not show her i love her with flowers!...besides, she deserves them, she has to put up with me every day lol...a little example of what she has to put up with is: Kollin-"how you doin baby" Michelle-"oh my goodness *rolls eyes*"...quite funny...i've captured the rolling of the eyes on web cam before...yep, got pictures...deep inside, she loves hearing these things and misses me saying them when we can't talk as much in a day...9 minutes...i have to pee too...and get some CDs to listen to...i don't have enough...once and a while i'll look at my CDs and think "ugh theres so much more music out there that i need"...then theres times when i look through my CDs and think "wow, forgot i had this...oh and this...awesome and this...oh man thats a great band...ahh i have such great taste in music"...well off to class i go! and off to pee i go before that!...i'll consider making another entry in say *checks watch* two months or so!...i love you michelle! and for the rest of you-adios!

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Ahhh another entry!!!
Monday. 6.14.04 4:20 pm
Well since i haven't updated in a while, i've decided to write a small entry here...nothing new has really been happening...although i just heard today that i'm getting a scholarship from where my dad works...last year i got a scholarship from there and it was $1000...it got presented to me by the guy in charge of everything in houston (home building)...buttt this year, aparently its gonna be presented to me by the president/ceo of the whole company during this lunch/buffet...theres a $5000 one, a $3000, a $2000, and a $1000 one...sooo i'm thinkin i got more than $1000...if i get the $5000 one, i'm gonna think seriously about quitting quiznos...cuz i'd say for a whole year at montgomery college, it wouldn't be more than $3000...so that would mean i have enough for the whole year plus some after that...but we'll see...i was really worried about money and stuff for college too cuz i get paid so crappy at quiznos...so this a big "whew" for me...i haven't really downloaded much in the past couple days...i've downloaded 5 Iron Maiden CDs so thats really good...Powerslave, Brave New World, Number of the Beast, Piece of Mind, and Somewhere In Time...all of which have Bruce Dickinson as the singer...haven't heard Di'Anno or Blaze...oh! so i found this lot of CDs on ebay right...this guy is selling over 29 CDs of Metallica...has all of their main CDs, some imports, couple of rare CDs, two tributes, and their Binge & Purge box set...got all of that for $96...once again "whew" with that scholarship cuz my addiction to ebay has taken all of my money lol...i'm really happy about the metallica CDs though...i'm gonna re-sell the CDs that i already have individually...i also got The Craving - MD.45...that band was Dave Mustaine's side project in 1996...hes not the singer in it but hes the guitar player...haven't heard it at all but i decided to get it...it was like $4 on ebay...well thats about it!...i'll update when something happens!...i love you, Michelle!

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Bored
Tuesday. 6.8.04 8:14 pm
I'm bored...I'm not sure what to do either so i guess i'll write in here a little...i downloaded Iron Maiden - Brave New World...thats a really good CD...i remembered hearing The Wicker Man on the radio so i figured i'd download the CD...plus its part of my process here...the whole CD is really good though...i'm now trying to download Number of the Beast which has the songs Number of the Beast, Run to the Hills, and Hallowed Be Thy Name...Hallowed Be Thy Name is a really good song...and on the CD Powerslave, Rime of the Ancient Mariner is a really good song...its like 14 minutes long too...but yeah, i'm downloading Number of the Beast at the moment.

i think i'll go watch tv for a change...i hardly ever watch tv...so i'll go do that...michelle, i love you!

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Been quite some time...
Monday. 6.7.04 7:57 pm
engaged in crime, i grasp my throat
enraged, my mind starts to smoke
enforce a mental overload
angry again, angry again, angry again and again and again

So i've been downloading a lot of music lately...I've downloaded 6 Megadeth CDs...so between what i bought on ebay, what pete gave me, what i've downloaded, and already have, i have 11 of their CDs plus some live and rare songs of theirs...the CDs i don't have of theirs are Rude Awakening (2 CD Live/Greatest hits CD), Still Alive...and Well? (Live/Rare songs CD), Killing Is My Business...And Business is Good [Remastered] (only have the original songs), Live Trax [Import], Breadline EP [Import], Cryptic Sounds [import] and Live Trax II [Import]...unfortunately those import CDs start at $20 and end at $90...i really like Megadeth though...there are so many good songs of theirs i can't even begin to list them all...at the moment i'm downloading some Iron Maiden shtuff...i have the CD Powerslave and i'm working on Brave New World...lately i've been going through phases...like with Godsmack...i have a bunch of their CDs...All Wound Up, Godsmack, Awake, Faceless, Other Side EP, Red Rocks and a bunch of singles of theirs plus i have a Strip Mind CD (Sully Erna on drums) and two Dropbox CDs (Erna on drums)...so from there i went on to Nirvana...i now have all of their US printed CDs...they have a TON of import/bootleg CDs...i really want to get Paradiso Lost and Roma...those are two of the biggest/best bootlegs they have or so i've heard...so i have Bleach, Nevermind, Incesticide, In Utero, MTV Unplugged in NY, From The Muddy Banks of Wishkah, and the self-titled Nirvana...from there i went onto Megadeth and now i'm going onto Iron Maiden...of course, Iron Maiden has a TON of CDs...usually when this happens i have a process...first, get the CD that is said to be their best...second, get one of their latest CDs...third, get one of their oldest CDs...fourth, go back and forth on latest and oldest until i have all of their CDs...it works...you get to hear different sides of a band...take Metallica for example...Kill 'em All sounds WAY different from say Load...and the black album was probably their most popular CD...so you could go from Black Album to Load to Kill 'em All...i wouldn't recommend St. Anger seeing as how it BLOWS...S&M was kinda a grestest hits CD with symphony...Garage Inc. reflected on their older shtuff on one of the CDs...that one had Turn The Page, Whiskey, and Die Die My Darling...which were really good songs...okay anyways, i'm onto downloading Iron Maiden shtuff...see theres just sooo much that i need when it comes to CDs...i mean i could list a couple hundred CDs easily...i will never be satisfied...i'll never be able to say "yep, i'm done collecting CDs for a while, i have enough"...not unless of course i won the lottery, previewed every single CD ever put out and bought all of the good ones...and even then, new CDs are being put out every day...its impossible...onto a new subject!

Quiznos...oh d-d-d-d-dear...its really not that bad other than the owner being an ass at times...i only get paid $5.50 an hour though...in a week and a half or so i'll get paid $6 but still...its very boring at times too...on saturday i worked over 10 hours...the morning got a little busy but after 3 pm, oh man, i swear i could count all of the customers who came in on one hand...so most of the time the other employees and I just sat on our ass's and talked...i work with major druggies by the way (when i work evenings anyways) but some of their stories were interesting...in the morning i work with two girls...one of them does the "finishing" so she has to tell me what the sandwhiches are...well unfortunately, she doesn't speak loud enough for me to hear...i have to ask her like 3 times every time and when its busy i'm just screwed...of course if i don't know what the sandwhich is when i tell the person at the register i get in trouble so this is not good...i'm the "wrapper" most times...i take the sandwhich out of the oven thing, put it on a piece of paper, either wrap it or put it in a bowl thing, put napkins in there, and give it to the person at the register...quite easy and sometimes i have to "stock" my area or do other stupid things...its a lot more relaxing than Wendys...oh man did Wendys suck...they always stuck me at fries...don't ever EVER do fries at lunch time...you will hate it...i certainly did...its not stop moving, working your ass off, and even then, you'll probably fall behind putting out all the fries...so yeah, Quiznos is easy but pays shitty...i should look for another job but we'll see...on another note!

I have to do several things in the next two weeks...i need to get new contacts...i should have gotten some new ones like two weeks ago lol...i need to turn in some applications because i get paid shitty at Quiznos...i need to sell my piece of shit old computer (or at least try to)...i need to send presents to my girlfriend before her birthday...i need to order this thing for her too...i already bought the other stuff, just need to send them...i also need to register for classes...i need to figure out what classes i need and then sign up for them...i was going to fly out to see my girlfriend but her father just changed his mind and said no so i won't be doing that...really sucks but maybe i can see her on christmas break or something...i doubt i can get her to come out here but you never know...she hasn't asked her dad about that yet but i'm not gonna push her to do that...so oh well...so theres a few things i need to do.

Pretty decent entry...you assholes who keep bugging me about making new entries should be happy now...i'll think about posting another entry soon!

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Band(s) of the Week
Metallica, U2, Elvis
Currently Doing
Well my usual...which is procrastinating
Wuzzup!?
Wuzzup!?!?
Mini Entry
I'm hungry...got any food?

"Warning...you are now entering the mind of Kollin...kinda scary in there!"

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