Sunday. 6.22.08 11:37 pm
Gervais says: BIEGEL
Gervais says: I HAVE A SECRET
BrutalBritney: WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?
Gervais says: CAN I TRUST YOU!?
BrutalBritney: Yes, of course, you have it completely
Gervais says: COME CLOSER
BrutalBritney: /Leans in
Gervais says: CLOSER
BrutalBritney: /Scoots in
Gervais says: closerrrrrr
BrutalBritney: /Rolls in
BrutalBritney: /Flips in
Gervais says: closer
Gervais says: close
Gervais says: closer
BrutalBritney: /Snaps in /Flaps in /Trips in /Comes in
Gervais says: closerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Gervais says: you
Gervais says: are
Gervais says: captivating
Gervais says: there for eeverybody new that you mean is somehow attracted to the cosmic greatness that is Britney Biegel YOU MUST BE SO BURDENED. your poor thing
Trust is both an emotional and logical act. Emotionally, it is where you expose your vulnerabilities to people, but believing they will not take advantage of your openness. Logically, it is where you have assessed the probabilities of gain and loss, calculating expected utility based on hard performance data, and concluded that the person in question will behave in a predictable manner. In practice, trust is a bit of both. I trust you because I have experienced your trustworthiness and because I have faith in human nature.
We feel trust. Emotions associated with trust include companionship, friendship, love, agreement, relaxation, comfort.
Saturday. 6.21.08 10:21 pm
Not too often, but occasionally i will have to restart my computer. sometimes I think, what would it be like if people could restart certain events of their life? What if we, as humans, had the option to erase our failures and begin again. I think our shortcomings are what help shape us, but how many of us with an option of going back and having another chance at life would take it? My mistakes have turned me into a person I like. I allow myself space to learn and fuck up, and don't get discouraged if every thing's not "perfect". Because, perfection is an ideal that doesn't exist. There was a time when all I did was strive for perfection. All that did was wreak havoc on my life.
It's taken time to see that regret is a concept I believe in. I regret things I've done in the past. But in some way, I'm grateful for the negative experiences that have enabled me to grow. I have somewhat of a hard time believing people who say they regret nothing. There has to be something people wish they wouldn't have done in the past. If we were to restart our lives whenever they weren't desirable, things would become one dimensional, I think. Life would be kind of shallow.
To be continued.
I sit here on the phone
Friday. 6.20.08 2:35 pm
I am a creature that stands undefined. I read and see things I can relate to. But they don't make me who I am. So, what I mean, is that I'm done trying to define myself, when I don't even know where to begin. Okay, shit, maybe I know where to begin... with the essentials.
Lately changes run a muck and wild in this adolescent life of mine. I see myself changing, among my own view, and my peers, my friends, my family. Sometimes I don't like it, don't like myself, but I believe thats a basic human tendency.
to be afraid you're inadequate.
What I suggest.. is to take a step back and ask yourself, afraid of being inadequate for WHAT, exactly?
Life is as it does, we live it, and take it as it comes. And so, to be inadequate will only limit our path, helping us choose which side of the fork to take. The scarecrow didn't have a brain, and yet led Dorothy down the right path, on to meeting the tin man, then lion, and finally the wizard.
What I do know, and can collect, is this fight for power and control, is useless.
The irritations in life are worthless, and life wasted. I'm done with irritations, and inadequacies separate from myself. I will attempt every struggle, but if I fail or change course, I ask you not to see this as giving up. Maybe I can just see its not going to help me get where I want to go. Not my niche, so to speak.
I've always been headstrong, maybe too stubborn. This is a fault I can open up to, accept and work with.
I'm a people person, and instead of tangible matters such as trigonometrical identities, or angles of triangles, I am much more interested in the hidden qualities of human relations. Maybe because its proven to be so puzzling to me. Some of my best friends remain miles away, while the ones here I lose like dead weight.
Never let anyone make you feel inadequate. As Eleanor stated, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
WHAT I MEAN.
We cannot be defined by our characteristics, our flaws, our fears. We can be defined as the people we choose to call friends, the bodies we hold closely. Even someone as wretched and as screwy as me can be considered a best friend. Even someone as wretched and as screwy as you can be considered a best friend. It takes time. Those relentless nights in our memory that shine brightest should DEFINE a friendship, and in turn should DEFINE us. Our actions. Our choices. Our priceless friends.
As I sit here talking on the phone with my best friend, and the soothing thunder through the window at the right.
Life's too short to value faux friends.
Know yourself, don't bother with definitions, but make sure people respect and take you as you are.
Don't feign concern with anger the two do not relate, do not cover for each other, and I will not tolerate the latter.
I'm excited to be with people with insight, and opinions, whether we agree or not. Intelligence comes in many forms. I want to have a good time. Make good memories with my friends. A good summer. And good goodbyes.
I'm excited to be inspired by people, instead of obligated or hindered.
I'm just excited.
Thursday. 6.19.08 10:05 pm
Sometimes I feel as if my friends are slip slipping further and further away, and that I, myself, am losing my sense of gravity. Where is up, down, right, wrong? Where are they going? Where am I going? Do they feel the same way?
Mmmm. I suppose we all are alone, in a sense, because most of us are to scared to actually say what we want and wish for. Just lately I suppose, its been a little more prominent in my mind..
I'm looking for something more. Not really more convenient, not really always present, just something with more substantial meaning. Someone who might actually care to know me. Someone who WANTS to know the things I do, and why I do them. Someone who will think about and care for me while the world is getting warmer and we are all perishing in our own malpractice.
Someone to tell me when I'm wrong, to stand up and scream and fight with and for me, to promise me things will be alright- and to make that true, to show me new things, to be patient with me, to know that I am lying when I say 'I am fine', to let me do the things I love, to make me quit the things that are killing me, to understand when I just have to leave, to love me for me even though I know I am a hassle and not flawless, but I swear
I am the best you will never give a chance.
Why don't we just do something about it.
Tuesday. 6.17.08 4:35 pm
I'm tired of it. Tired and fed up.
I've read Steigen's and Katie's Xanga's, and Nutang's. Instead of talking about how we all are growing apart, lets get together and change what is happening. I definitely don't like it any more than you two. Yeah, I may work now and so does Steigen, and you are going to Governors School Katie. But we do have 3 months of Summer, and I say that we do it right.
Scared shitless and smiling
Monday. 6.16.08 9:59 pm
It is hard to think about growing up when I am supposed to be in the middle of it. I feel as though every particle of my being is getting pulled in every direction at the same time. I want this, I don't want that. I don't understand my thoughts and my words and the letters I write on the page in front of me. I second guess everything. Especially myself. How am I supposed to become dependent on myself, why I dont even know who myself is?
I am just a retrospective catastrophe of introversion;
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