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Speak to My Finger
Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
what do i feel?
Saturday. 4.20.24 2:16 pm
you know, in counselling, the question that's being asked the most is 'how do u feel?'

i seriously also don't understand the significance of that question, but i still ask away in my sessions.

surprisingly, i heard myself asking myself that question in my head.

well, you see, my mother is going abroad to visit a relative, and she has been repetitively asking me about the international charger. i got no idea what kind of plug is used in the country she is going to, and she kept asking whether our international charger can be used during her travel or not.

i also repetitively replied that i don't know. i seriously don't know for i'm drowning in writing up my thesis that i am so stress that i went shouting in my room when i'm home alone, and having migraine constantly.

while my mother watches her drama on youtube, netflix, wherever she could access, while playing her phone on daily basis for an average of 7 hours.

and i've been asked what plug is being used there?

i told her at the beginning to google, and she didn't.

and she ASKED again a few minutes ago, if she could use her international charger during her travel.

and AGAIN, i replied her to Google.

and she replied "I got no time.. I've been busy."

Why the fcuk should i be responsible for her choice?

in a passive aggressive manner, she 'googled', and informed me that the country she's going to used D or G plug, which she didn't understand, and....

i got no idea what does she want me to do...

so i told her to google again what's D or G plug..., her facial expression twitched in hatred for that one second, while looking away, and disappeared into her room.

i saw it, and i hated it.

i'm supposed to resume my thesis writing, but i was affected by that reaction that it's consuming me now.

why?

because i don't know what will happen in the next minute... is she going to be mad at me? if yes, what is she gonna do to me? what kind of hurt is she going to inflict on me as punishment?

and this was where my question graced "what do i feel?"

because in between those two paragraphs, i actually had darker thoughts which was i can't wait to not be associated with her. would i visit her grave?

a strong resounding reply came back a NO.

but why is that that i'm more willing to visit my dad's grave than hers? because he inflicted less hurt? maybe we didn't interact a lot.

and i interact with my mother on daily basis.

to be frank, i don't feel like talking to her ever since my suicidal/pain ideation in last feb. why do i want to talk to a person who is unempathetic who only sees her own pain over everyone else's?

why do i want to spend any more of my lifespan on shitty people?

why am i feeling fear of the injury she has the potential to inflict? did i say anything wrong?

i didn't do anything wrong, because really, if she can search for the movies and episodes she wants to watch on YouTube, then her research skills is not that bad right?

i'm prosecuted for just telling her to be resourceful? that's my mistake? the more i coddle her, the more i'm accommodating her bad habit, and giving her positive reinforcement for her bad habit.

what do i feel just now? fucking irritated because i don't need to waste my lifespan on people like this. if u have friends who don't appreciate u, u would also leave right? then why can't we apply the same analogy to family members?

so just now, she DID that AGAIN. she asked me to start her car, which i don't mind, but i often forgot which button. so i asked which button, and her eyes squinted with annoyance, and again disappeared into the room.

this time, i disrupted that pattern, and told her off not to cut me off when i was talking to her. of course, she entertained me with her annoyance face.

and she answered me with great annoyance.

i seriously wanted to tell her to fuck off, and i'm sick of tolerating such rude behaviour...

i seriously consider what happens if one day she and i got into a huge fight that there's no turning back... i did consider of selling our current living place, and cut ties with everyone in the family, as a way to earn freedom.

there was one time, i actually said out loud to her if she's not happy in this house, then let's just cut ties, and live separately. we would certainly have an INCREDIBLE potential to lead a happier life.

why not?

we r living together because we have no choice of lacking resources. living together means leveraging on each other's resources. if i have unlimited money, then i can live without her right? she can stay wherever she wants, so do I.

then i don't need to see her face, and hear her voice.

i don't really care if some people who have undergone much more severe childhood emotional neglect trauma than me telling me to forgive bla bla bla... coz i'm very sick of being in the same room with a manipulative person. i have spent my whole life service a manipulative person, and still want me to spend my old years serving such human?

my future doesn't have my mother. it's only me, and my dreams, and the peace that i want.





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smoking cold
Sunday. 3.10.24 11:59 am
my mother went to china, and now complaining how cold she is now.

oops i have a role to play in that too, but miniscule one. i just told her that her thick pajamas may be heavy for her luggage. and i forgot she is now having a new luggage with new technology where these luggage now are so light... that we now can put a lot of heavy clothing unlike last time where the bag itself was heavy.

can't blame me entirely because my mother packed her clothing in the wrong way, and she packed the wrong clothes to china.

i may not have traveled much, but i still have some exposure experience to all seasons. so i told her that she was bringing the wrong clothes to weather 5-20 degrees and she told me in an annoying manner that she is gonna be wearing a heat tech underneath all those t-shirts. i repeatedly telling her that she needs to bring more long sleeve, and a few more thicker clothing. she replied me confidently that her heat tech would make her warm.

luckily she brought two thick jacket.

anyways, i'm sure her friends that she went with would be indicating how stupid she was when it comes to traveling. i could have told her to roll her clothes instead, but i know she is a stubborn woman, and likes doing her way.

when i asked why her luggage was almost full, and it might be overweighed, she didn't bother to hide her victimisation facial expression along with how offended she was. the only thing that prevented her from exploding at me how i bullied her was she knew i had done my traveling bits to many countries, thus my experience nonetheless is still valuable. but she avenged it by purposely throwing my receipts discreetly, and of course i caught her before the deed.

what an assh*le.

anyways, i did my part to sustain her survival there by giving, actually loaning, her USD100. it's not much but at least some extra money to exchange for local currency. i think she didn't even think of it.

and she called her children fucking asshole.

if she returns home, and curses me, i think i will just tell her karma will eat u up soon.

so sick of attending to a narcissist. and yea, she keeps complaining on WhatsApp how suffering she is now with her wrong wardrobe.

karma just in on her now...

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which version of truth this is again?
Wednesday. 2.21.24 5:22 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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how did she survive
Saturday. 2.17.24 2:37 pm
i was informed that my oldest uncle is now bedridden, hence he may not live any longer now. my mother and her sister r going to visit him in 2 months time. i actually feel like visiting him too, but unfortunately it's around my final submission deadline, which is totally unfortunate. then i think... i'd rather not, because then she would be demanding to do all the bookings for them right? well, if that's the case i would go after my final submission.

now, my heart goes out to my sister's half-sister who is older than her. This uncle is also my mum's half-brother. why i said so because, according to mother, she left home without looking back when she was old enough. and because she was a half, my maternal grandmother was not on a good terms with her. oh well, how would you feel suddenly your husband just brought back a baby for you to raise? that's what happened.

anyways, after many years she left home, she posted in the chinese newspaper looking for my mother and her siblings. my auntie and uncle knew about it, but didn't respond, and told my mother many years later. my mum was furious! they could not justify why they didn't have any intention to respond... by then, it was too late to respond, as my auntie and uncle forgot when and which daily. i wonder if my mother think back about this sister...

and now i'm feeling extremely sad - to an extent crying for a stranger - for this auntie that i haven't met. how lonely she must be to know she has some siblings but never know whether they saw the ad or not... did that haunt her? did she give herself the closure that she needs?

now i'm thinking about my bedridden uncle. what's going on in his mind? he has three kids, and his wife is also very old, no strength in her legs now...

in my mind, all i could remember him finishing the whole haagen daze ice cream tub in front of the tv. for my auntie, she fed her pet mynah which one day just flew into their house, and they released after decades of care.

i wonder how is my paternal auntie doing in Melb. did my sister entertain her when she called after my father's death? i knew she texted me, but i was so drained from protecting myself from mother, that i didn't have the energy to think whether to keep in touch with her or not. in fact, i was afraid to contact them would give another reason for my mother to attack me. i was already barely surviving...

i wonder how she is coping with his death... she tried calling for days during my father's passing, but we didn't answer, because mother dare not touch his phone. in fact, she didn't want to touch anything of his possessions except for his wealth and assets. and so we waited for my sister to come home to answer the call.

when we answered, we said he just died a few days ago, and she was in shocked. and we just ended the call. that's it. i know we sounded cruel, but i was trying my best to keep mother calm, otherwise i would be beaten emotionally. it was something i was not proud of... but my brain was not working either.. i was traumatised with my father's death in the house.

anyways, what i wanted to conclude is that death is a lonely personal experience after all. the only thing that can soothe me in my death bed is to be able to answer myself whether i've lived a satisfying life or not...

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No room for others
Wednesday. 2.14.24 11:46 am
I really wonder how do those researchers came to a conclusion that narcissists have no room for others in themselves. How do they know? They cut the brain of narcissists?

Usually I will cry more when i'm not being seen or heard. But this morning when I told my mother that I could not tolerate her violent barrages on her children just to make us kowtow to her demands, and how she communicated her wants and needs triggered me a lot that awakened my suicidal tendency. She brushed it off by threatening her whether I want to help her or not. I don't remember what I replied, but I caught her rare awareness of her own actions. Usually she forgets that she hurt others. So she responded that my sis and I also like to shame and scold her in public, as though i'm taking revenge on her. I threw hat her back 'why do u think that happened?'

And then she just walked back to resume her prayers, and then shouted 'if I don't want to help, then don't help.' after prayers, she then messaged my sister manipulating what happened between us. By saying

"When I asked her for help she wants to commit suicide whole night no sleep.... She wants to take revenge on me for ill treatment on her."

Hang on. I did say I was suicidal, but I said the way she treated her children triggered me, and my suicidal ideation. And the revenge was something she puting into my mouth. Last time I would want revenge, but now, I just leave to karma to do the job. But trauma authors explained that I was mirroring my mother's communication when she was younger. If she was reluctant to take care of me when I was younger, and indicated in her communication and the way she made me feel, then I would have the tendency to mirror that when I become older, because I learn after her. If I have enough awareness I can stop myself behaving that way, but it's hard. It's like u have snakes, if u dislike, curling around u, can u act calmly? Show me if u can.

Because of my parents, their children so fuck up. My sister is avoiding her emotions at all cost. And she thinks I can't see through.

At 0200, I texted my friend to arrange a counselling session the next day, and she listened to me for 3 hours straight on. Very kind indeed.

And then I realised why I was so triggered because I don't know what she wanted. She likes to disguise her 'teach, help, guide' by asking u to complete everything for her. She won't lay her finger to do anything. And if you can't do it well, then she will have the faint hint of blame like 'how come u don't know? I thought u r good at IT'? Yea? Then how come u don't cook African food if u r good at cooking.

Real asshole for changing the context and words of our conversation. Can I make a story out of this manipulation dishonest version of story?

I'm gonna chat with another senior about overcoming my trauma. I don't know what triggered me truly. I'm triggered twice in the span of 6 months, and this morning was severe of all.

Well, you think people with trauma can overcome trauma with sheer will power? Do you know how tempting it is to take a pen and stab my neck over and over again?

How sad that a narcissist, like my mother, didn't even pause to show compassion when I mentioned suicidal. You think I'm doing it for attention sake? Maybe that's what my sis thinks coz she commented being suicidal is just benefitting her. Excuse me? What about me? Is it about winning? To what end? I cannot imagine how a mother just brush it off as though it's nothing. She is more important than anyone else, really there's no room for others in her. What is life like to her then?

I was reading some interventions last night about unavailable emotional parents, that it is also important to know our caregiver's story too. What they are doing is also mirroring their caregiver's behaviour too, or reacting to their own children. Is this why her younger brother suddenly snapped and dislike her?

Maybe I can ask my auntie about their life story, and ask if there was any physical violence involved.

Then... A dragonfly flew by me... I wonder if that's my father saying hi...

Because I could not sleep due to the pain in my heart, a spirit came in the form a cat and slept on my chest, purring. I felt the pain lifted, but the body refused to let go of the tremors, and so I breathed in oxygen into my body parts until I sleep.

I find it how sad that my mother can't even pause and listen to what is said by others. Avoiding pain is not going to solve anything. My friend said that what I'm seeing is her true manifestations of self. Now, she is living her self, unshackled. Last time was she suppressing herself to fit in the society, not now. So now is her true colours. Wow.

A narcissist likes to take pleasure in squeezing others, pouncing whatsoever, as though it's a good sport.

I'm hoping to start something new when I hit 40 soon.

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the body remembers
Tuesday. 2.13.24 5:50 pm
I never expected to have a heart palpitation at 0100.

i though i would be fine if my mother asked me for some help, because i want to keep the peace between us. so sometimes sucking it up is the best way to tolerate it. tolerate is the best word fit, i'm not making room to let this pain to go through me as though i'm transparent. she's just not worth it.

so i never expected how my body remembers the trauma. and i thought i have overcome the fear or whatever the reactions i used to develop whenever she asked me for help.

at 0030, she received a phone call, and then came into my room - because i am still up studying - and asked if i could help her out to apply china visa for in the next few hours because she and her friends would like to get it done concurrently. upon hearing the requests, my body suddenly felt the tingling sensation, like my fingers left me... floating into thin air, and what i'm feeling is some phantom fingers moving... and then my heart sudden beat 100 times more than usual. suddenly just speed up that my internal ears could not catch up with it.

in my head, i tried to investigate what's going on... it's just a small matter.. i have done this before .. i have helped her before but each time i helped her i know i was tolerating the yucky feeling of helping her. because i'm totally triggered by her. when i was younger, she always called me stupid... so stupid that you better be a prostitute. this remark ingrained in me since i was before 6 years old. i was beaten into a pulp on my 10th birthday just because i was the 4th girl in class. she stopped beating me physically with some insults because my auntie called in to wish birthday, and was wondering why i was tearing on the phone, until i said she is beating me for being 4th in class. only then she stopped because she forgot it was my birthday. so my birthday saved me? did it? should i be happy i was born on that date she was beating me in order to soothe her ego and face?

reading works on childhood trauma really sometimes open up my wounds...

anyways, i remember mentioning to her before TO NEVER ASK ME FOR HELP WHEN COMES TO IT, because she likes to disguise 'teach me' with DO EVERYTHING FOR ME COZ I'M NOT GONNA LEARN, AND IF U DON'T I'M GONNA SHRED U WITH GUILT, SHAME... and i don't know how many times i have been traumatised by those kinds of episodes before. until i realised she didn't bother to learn, she just wants someone to do it for her. and then i confront her that she is not learning, then she would make the case that i'm against her, whatever shit she can use against me.

my mother is a full package of a narcissist, gaslighter, manipulator and the whole load of that... psycho path? a borderline, i think, coz i saw how she felt 'better' after beating me ... or how she berated me not to give any jobs to her competitor with crocordile tears, and then SMILED right after I gave in.. and how she took pleasure in seeing her children giving in to her demands.

I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

What does she see in me? I would never know, and don't want to know. I just pray that she don't come and visit me when she dies. I shall tell my guides not to let her come near me in spirit form. I don't want such vile person to see me in spirit. in fact, i want her to stew herself in all those realisation of the pain she causes in others. i learnt that when we die... we then reflect on the last life we had, including all the pain.. bla bla bla... it hurts so much that u feel like everything anything all at once passes through u. yup.... my mediumship teacher said that to me when she mediated a session for me with my deceased father. up to u to believe. i'm not here to debate whatsoever.

and so.. i feel sorry for my sister who is now taking on the brunt of her demands. the last time my sister tried to be assertive on certain things, my mother crushed it with verbal violence that i felt so sorry for my sister to bear it. from the outside, i could see how resilient my sister was in withstanding the violence verbally and distant physically... well my mother was screaming at the top of her lungs how cruel, vile, evil, my sister was for not doing something that she wanted, and then guilt tripping her with how she has taken care of us.. her children is just a piece of shit.... useless, worthless of her care.. if that's the case we should just continue to be a piece of shit right? whatever i do is just a piece of shit right? then why should i even bother to help u? trying to manipulate me to soothe or to give into ur demand? is this some kind of a competition to see who is the cruelest here? everyone has a role to play, but i'm trying to survive here. hurt is hurt. pain is pain. i'm resilient, but there's a threshold, and i have already pushed this threshold to the highest ceiling, and i cannot push this any more.

this is why my body is reacting with tremors... and i feel like crying... i feel like i regressed being a child again... helpless of not able to protect myself from such violent barrages. the only way to protect myself is to give in, is to fulfill her demands. to what end?

do u know what was running in my head when she asked me if i could help? the reply i was ready to tell her "I'M SORRY I CANNOT HELP YOU. YOUR REQUEST IS OPENING UP MY WOUNDS WHERE U HAVE BEATEN ME UP VIOLENTLY FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO FULFIL UR REQUEST (BEING THE FIRST GIRL IN CLASS).. I CANNOT TOLERATE THIS PAIN ANYMORE. PLS ASK SOMEONE ELSE TO HELP U."

if she wanna scream like how she did to my sis, go ahead... because i want to add on "IF I HAVE A CHOICE CHOOSING BETWEEN DEATH AND HELPING U, I CHOOSE DEATH OVER AND OVER AGAIN." that is how severe my trauma is if triggered, like right now.

she withheld her love when we r good, that is being the good that she wishes us to be. why do i always argue with her? because i have a lot of pain caused by her seeping out of me, yet i have to withhold as much as i can in order to survive.

i'm almost 40. what a joke this is to be afraid of such innocent request. but u know what? the inner child remembers all memories that hurt us, and would react in the name of defense or reminder THAT's ENOUGH.

do u know what trauma is? traumatic events that become memories on autoplay mode in our head. that's because part of the brain that's in charge of processing all events into memories are jammed with cortisol, the stress cells, from doing its job. thus, the traumatic events didn't get to be processed.

and my mother one time screamed at our house front entrance that she would made my life hell. and u know what i replied? LIVING WITH U IS ALREADY HELL.

isn't it? i have trauma replaying in my head whether i like it or not, and everyday is a battle to let it be like watching cars moving without chasing after them. this always happens whenever i'm idle, or i would be recalling some events where i didn't get to protect myself and strategise how i can protect myself in the future should this event be repeated. u see how tired i am, and what a waste of time, when i can use this energy and brain cells to think to plan my future. and yes, i always have to redirect my attention to more productive stuff.

a week before chinese new year, my mother n i had a scene in a huge mall. she went screaming at me for being a shithead telling her to line up behind me simply because many people just let their family members jump queue. and she said i should do the same thing to do. but i didn't. because what's wrong with lining up? it's a good way to waste time other than loitering at the front entrance because the crew only allowed people lining up to enter the queue.

nope. she made a scene. she has a knack to create a scene victimising herself. and the setting was so interesting. it was amongst the heavy line-ups with other shoppers. and the young shopper behind us was like 'aiya... family members dont need to like up.. just jump the queue la.. aiya... no big deal..' he was just being nice.

and what i did? i jumped in and shouted at her back. u think i would give face? i have had enough of her trying to shame me in public with verbal abuse and physical violence. she loves doing that, and then she would boast it to her friends. she did that, especially on physical violence, during my childhood, and often with a triumph tone. that's why i said she's a psychopath. she takes pleasure in hurting others? i remember some friends felt sorry for her children, and then asked us back what did we do to trigger such wraith. did they just validate her rights to abuse me verbally and physically? i remember crying in front of them. yea. what did i do to deserve such public shaming. by just being myself? by just honoring my own emotions? u beat me because u cannot handle emotions? and that's the child's fault for making u uncomfortable? read that previous sentence again.

so what am i gonna do with that request if she persists? my body will break down from the forgotten memory that causes my body to tremble. telling her than i'd choose death over helping her might soothe me and please me, but would incur a woman's wrath. i don't know maybe i will ask her back if she were in my situation, what she would do.

and i already know. she would put the spotlight on herself as the victim, who has already done her best in raising two kids with all she has. correct u have done ur best... but u never see us for how we r, u care for us, but we don't feel ur care nor love sincerely. there's always something u want to trade with ur children for ur care and love. and when u didn't get what u want, that's where the beatings come in.

if i feel like dying again if she persists with her request, then i would have to talk to a therapist on an emergency mode before i scratch my throat out. yup. that's how i hurt myself or suicidal ideation.

u just don't know how much strength anyone who has such tendency to stop themselves from giving in to their pain fantasy.


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