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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR





Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall....
Tuesday. 3.26.19 3:57 am
So you didn't read my post below... but it's ok because I am making the second post for the day. The below is the first post and now is the second post. In analysis, it should be the other way round but I just typed out whatever vomited out from my brain.

This morning I had a row with my mother after some peaceful weeks at home. I was tired and cranky from the whole last week of working.

Let just say I don't know why I blew up at 6.30am when I was mopping the floor... changing the water and solution. I was shouting at mother that I received no help in doing this very chore and as though she and my sister are waiting for someone to change the water every time. I am also tired and I am also not advised to do heavy housework chores due to medical reasons. And I usually change the water as early as 0530 or at night while my family members are asleep or busy watching their drama or simply surfing. I don't mind their activities but all I ask is can we at least alternate? You do after I do and so on. Not just state "Oh the water is already dirty" and then continue to mop with those dirty water and wait for something to happen. I have tried of doing nothing and nothing seriously happened.

Well, at least now I could see my sister is doing laundry because previously she didn't. My mum did her laundry. But changing the water..... hmm not in March.... not in February... maybe once in January? She always say she is very busy or she is always going out like now.... so what does she do when she is at home? Watch movies or just do her own work from home.

All I ask is just alternate with me in changing water just at least once a week. I complained once about the enlargement of my thyroid for changing water so frequent. My mother told me I don't need to announce. Right. I just said once now and yet the water is not changed immediately despite the water was extremely murky... and my sister and my mother never washed their toilet feet mat whenever they soak it in the toilet of my charge. I once just did nothing... the cloth just stayed in my toilet for more than a month until it smelled in a funny coloured water. And my mother would just continue lying to herself 'Oh she (my sister) will wash'. FU. A few weeks ago, I was kind enough to wash for them because I don't like their cloth to rot in my toilet.

So this morning? I blew up because I am angry that my sister and my mother don't change the water at a faster speed even though my mother say she will change.... but she always say that.. the action is so slow... she has knee injury but my sister has been feeding her with a lot of collagen that she feels so much better and I could see her skin is glowing so much better than mine when mine is pale as sheet and the doctors whom I met in a workshop were so concern for me that they asked was I really sick.

My sister kept saying she has no money but she has the money to buy such expensive collagen products for herself and for her mother. And yet she didn't replenish any food to date. She dare not eat the food at home already after I demanded her to pay me back the food I bought.

So in my explosion this morning I was telling my mother that

1. Why can't you and her help?
2. Why do you make me feel it's like my responsibility to change the water?
3. I can't do heavy work too... I am suffering too.

That's cause I have scoliosis and permanent backache and whatever aches in my body... and at the moment I am having pain in my kidney everyday at certain hour. I have thyroidism hence I no longer can tolerate stress and that extended not even physical stress of carrying heavy stuff. Otherwise I can feel my thyroid is enlarged.

4. I don't even have money to pay for a blood test... why can't you help me delay the need of this test because I need to know the status of my thyroid. Though I feel much better compared to one year ago but seriously I have enlarged nodules now too. So I am worried.

The reply was YOU DON'T NEED TO SHOUT... YOU ARE SO NOISY....and then threatened me that she won't fetch me out of the house. Fine. I was not ready for that kind of war since I still rely on her for transportation. So I apologised twice in a row so she could fetch me out.

But what did I feel after that screaming match? I feel like committing suicide that very moment. When I reached office... I took the knife and placed it at my stomach and asked myself repeatedly why I didn't end my life sooner... why I didn't end my life 9 years ago. If I did, I would have avoided all this unhappiness. Why I didn't? Because I could not tolerate the mild pain the knife pointed at my gastric area. It was my fear of pain that saved me over and over again. But now I have a new method that I found someone was talking about that is to tie the rope around my neck behind the door. That idea sounds simple... and I can hear my brain working out the logistic...

As I came into office I knew I need to talk to someone because I was screaming in the office alone about what I have done wrong in my life to date... because I thought I was getting better... feeling better... getting my finance better. What went wrong? And that moment I realised how fragile my whole world was just because of one person who should not matter but matter in some way.

I think it's time for another cord cutting with my mother. It has saved my sanity and I have to do again for the sake of saving myself.

But while I was talking to the psychic my intuition was telling me the reason for my shouting match was because I was COMMUNICATING my pain. I was conveying my pain; I was talking but in shouting mode; but nevertheless I was COMMUNICATING. So instead of shutting me up or someone's scream, just let them continue until they lost their train of thoughts. It's their way of bringing up the pain and whatever has been overdue in the body essence. Of course, it is quite unfair for the nearest person or the loved ones to be screamed at for no reason but I think it's also important to dismiss it as some crazy person. That's because I realised as I was screaming my pain I kept repeating certain thoughts and my mother will keep saying she could not do anything about the what I wanted to believe in. Instead of saying I don't give a shit about it, why not explore on that? There must be a reason to every argument. People just don't get angry for no reason isn't it? Why not try to understand me instead of shutting me up? I felt small. I felt like I was being instilled with fear again like when I was a kid again. That's what happened when I reached out for help, I was told to shut up in which I interpreted it as I am not allowed to ask for help. A lot of similar events happened in my life which then I realised it made me so independent that I cannot see my mother asking help for the very same thing I was denied. I hated it.

And... my mother didn't even notice I was in some kind of depression when we were arguing. I am sure she didn't even want to know I was back to suicidal again. Like what I did this morning. I am sure she will just reply 'Just die' thinking I was just being a drama queen. Was I? Was I an attention seeker? Why did I seek attention? What was going on inside me? Why renaye, why? Why were you so unhappy? All I wanted was someone to change that water even before I could say change. That is all. Sounds simple right? But why was I begging and crying? The same thing when someone did that for love. Do I feel love? I feel I am the only one that supports myself. I know my mother supports me via transportation but nothing emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And these are the places that I am totally drained and I need to unload.

Did I explode because I wanted my mother to love me like how she did to my sister? Because what my sister received is not the same as me? Or like how my mother looks at my sister? Maybe, unconsciously. I think my body knows that she sees me as an extra hand, nothing more than that. And all I was asking, perhaps, is just for some love debris that she has extra for my sister. I am like the small fish underneath those huge fish roaming for the extras. Ouch. such flowery descriptive....

I came home now and found my mother not saying a single word to me and went to her room shortly. I think if it's my sister, she will try to strike a conversation. Why do I even feel sad? Because I feel unwanted? It is in us that we want to be wanted. So I am not surprised that I feel this way.

This means I seriously need a cord cutting...

But I also want to talk someone... What about my mother? I still want to talk to her.... From an anime I quite like... no child does not want to be loved by their mother... and with that the girl who was raped raised the child... It was a wise sentence...

What about me? Apologise and tell her what? I already apologised, twice. What else? Kill myself completely? Well, I will seriously think of it again if she demands for money. She can then inherit my retirement funds which is enough to last her retirement.

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Don't go anymore la...
Tuesday. 3.26.19 12:57 am
Here's something I did on impulse today that is get a psychic to do a reading for myself in a very long period. Nowadays I don't really do so because I feel they don't give me any added value. It's just like I am paying to have a good listener and then when time is up they will just say bye ... so eager to leave the conversation with easy money which many I came across this is true! So because of this experience, it's 9 out of 10, I have ensure my own service gives people some assistance that they can take home and take action (if they want to). That would be more practical because otherwise all these psychics should just say 'I am a psychic listener and will give some psychic advises if I still have time left, so type it all out as fast as you can or until the time goes dry'. It's sickening actually when you want advices also not just a good listener and this also explains why I never put a cap onto the timing of my service. When a person is in pain, you don't tell the person "ok just be in pain for like 5 minutes, I got a baby to feed." Seriously. When the person in pain, there's no expiry timing. And if it's overboard I just try to bring back to reality with some steps that can improve the situation. That's more harsh isn't it?

Anyways, that's all for my service advertisement. If you ever want a good listener and neutral and some universe-tuning-advice, call me. I can offer these three in my session. =P

Back to my experience just now. I know this psychic has a lot of testimony and all are of positive ones. I decided to try because I had a screaming row with my mother in the wee morning. And when I came to office I almost did what I wish... So I want to know what's those shit about and ... I can guarantee you I type more than the psychic. The funniest thing is I was asked to see another kind of psychic in the middle of the session. Because my mind was not working well, I would have asked for refund since she was indicating she could be of no help. Mental note = not going to her anymore no matter how accurate she is. Yes, she was accurate in picking up people but that's the past and does not help in my situation when I want to know how I can move on. Not accurately describing my family personality would be of help. It's just minor to understand how broken I am and how much repair is destroyed in just 1 hour this morning.

After the session, I just feel such a waste of money for a psychic reading. Why not? It's in USD and I don't feel it was well spent. She was a good listener but I felt I paid her to listen to me. Of course I could not get her to diagnose me and give me a diagnosis but it was more mentally "why did you do it again?!" Like she said I should go to a counselor which I have done and they replied IT'S MY FAULT. They were more judgmental.

So that's why I am more quiet as of now. I don't really ask for help now... I don't really talk about my problems to others because they are not listening... they are just creating content for others by listening to me. Well, to describe that will be they left me when I need them the most but expect me to be there for them when they need me. I am not doing the favour anymore. They left me so I will just leave them too.

So I have to remind myself again not to find a psychic reader anymore. Why waste the money when I can use that very amount to pay a photographer for my upcoming trip. I am seriously. No wonder that Japanese guy is making so much by just listening!!!! I should too since the psychic even say I am a calm listener!!! Give me the money!! Maybe I can do that when I want to stay in Japan for a month or more.

If you want to find a psychic reader, let me just tell you that it's the same as finding a doctor or a sales person that fulfill your need. Don't ever measure by asking how accurate they are. It's rather how skillful they are in counseling you. Do the clients feel 'hey I think I can do it even though it's scary' or 'OMG.. she is so accurate but... how come I feel so empty at the same time?' Ask yourself that very questions.

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3 things
Sunday. 3.24.19 12:48 pm
I think I would be a happier person if I am dead. Maybe that person would be my mother not me. I really feel like throwing everything surrounding me. I really want to try throwing out my mother's things from her cupboard. It must be so relieving. Because that was what she like to do to me when I was younger whenever I said some facts about her. I hope everyone like me dies before her so she can be a happier person.

I am tired of this conversation with my friend. I have said three times to date about having planning in detail as opposed to none. I have enough of listening of various reasons like my dressing, my shoe, my pose for not getting the photo that I don't know what the end result is to begin with. All I know is these are my resources and I will make do with them on the spot. Otherwise I imagine the result that I want that I plan ahead of my dressing. I have scouted on those online shopping platform but some of the materials are horrible and so were the feedback. I don't want to hear 'buy those cheap ones from China and just wear once for IG." It's my money so it's my management plan. I may have to go on a hermit traveling just for photography.

My sis bought so many collagen products and yet she once said she has no money to contribute to the house coffer. And she doesn't do any housework chores regularly and I didn't heal completely to be called off as healthy and yet I am contributing to the house and chores and my medical bills. She is definitely going to stay young at the expense of my youth and health. Why is God so unfair? She prays like crazy daily and God still treats her so kind. Yea... she is the apple of my mother's eye. Because of this I don't want to hangout with my mother anymore. I feel so stupid for being nice when my sis doesn't give a damn about her and yet she sticks to her like a moth to light. Very toxic family.

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Innards anxiety
Friday. 2.22.19 1:14 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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The two dreams
Tuesday. 1.22.19 1:26 pm
I have two dreams that I wanna share here. I dreamed back on 2 consecutive nights. They are totally weird and they don't make sense at all.

First dream.

I was somewhere, I think a bar, escorted by a guy. It's like there is one good guy and one bad guy. I was apparently with the good guy but I can feel that he is not entirely the goodie type. In fact the bad guy is actually the good guy. I am not sure if they were fighting over me like I have something innate that they want. So as I was sitting in between these two guys over a meal or a drink, there was a commotion. A devil in armour and I can't see its face but it's holding a club entered the premise. A soldier tried to stop it but suddenly had its head rolling to the ground when the club touched its neck. Two soldier heads rolled down the stairs...

I was just calm seeing that happened in front of me but I think there was chaos suddenly. I think a fight broke out between the two guys. I was not sure if they were trying to prevent that devil from further encroaching the area or just taking the opportunity to kidnap me.

I just ran into the bar area and then collapsed with a tightness in my chest. I think there was another devil coming into where I was but people were just running away so it was kinda chaotic. As my right hand was gripping my chest, I saw symbols emerging on my left hand. I saw a black thin cross drawn below my middle finger and 5 colourful stars growing... All I could hear the back of my mind screaming 'Don't come out' as though this should not be happening as though something bad will happen if they appeared. And then I blackout.

When I woke up... I found myself in a family home. The kid was running around and I could not understand what he was trying to say. I think he was asking what was I doing in the house. The mother served us breakfast. Suddenly the father saw a figure moving in the darkness and he stood up and said I must hide. I could hear my mind said "I have seen you acting before...". He definitely looked familiar but I could not pin point when he looks a little older with white hair. So he hid me in a bedroom in a roll of comforter with a torchlight.

I could not comprehend the situation but followed nevertheless.

Shortly after I was hidden, a group of uniform force entered the premise searching for me. They didn't spot me because the father placed documents messily on the comforter that was wrapping me. I was surprised that they overlook too. In that moment, I didn't know how I could come out from the comforter but I know my body was inside the bundle and saw all the uniform people walking around. I was also playing hide and seek with them too because I was so afraid that they saw me. I think I did an astral traveling.

When it was safe, I asked the father what they wanted from me but he didn't answer. I was not sure if he knew the answer but he seemed reluctant.

The symbols on my left palm were gone...

Second dream.

I was in a lift with someone like we were bickering playfully and all of a sudden the lift got broken and when to the lowest ground with the door opened. The colour in the lift was like how hell is depicted... those bloody red spotlights emanated from the corners... and so I just jumped out from the lift because I thought it was not safe.

And then all of a sudden, I had the feeling it was the wrong choice to do so. Even the person in the lift didn't do so or rather dare not. It seems like I was in a big group but only two of us in the lift while the rest was at somewhere else.

And then I realised by jumping out from the lift... I have traveled to my past like 10 years ago. I didn't know where I was so I walked on the street near to the lift and then saw street food peddlers. I was hungry but had no money but my feeling told me it was fine to just grab the food from the Thai peddler at the corner on the slope.

I looked around and could my hear my thoughts saying 'When did my college look so different? Where does this Thai food stall come out from? We are talking about NZ right? Are all this even allowed?!' I continued to walk and then I reached a dorm. And all of a sudden, my heart ached for a Japanese friend whom I get along well back in college. In the dream I could feel how much I miss her and all those collegemates...

In the dorm, one of the room doors opened and there... this Japanese friend of mine, which I just mentioned, came out from the door. I was shocked and yet overwhelmed and she welcomed me into her room as though I was there to meet up with her.

She had a nice duvet and I was then holding a cup cupping on her duvet as she covered herself partially in the duvet. The way we interacted was like those old times. However, I broke the news quite immediately that I was from the future. I said it with no hesitance. She tried to digest it while in a deep thought.

Then all of a sudden I didn't know why Thai friend just popped up from the duvet. I don't remember both of them knew each other let alone being roomie. No both of them in the past stayed alone in the room. Only I had roommates....

Anyways...

There was a reason I said that and there was something else I was telling her but I don't feel I remember at all... I could just feel it was somewhat important through my feelings.

And then I panicked because I don't know how to go home to the 10 years in the future. I realised the lift exit was just a one-way-ticket. The moment you got out of the lift... the fate is sealed. That was why the other person didn't even jump out! Just stay in the lift until help comes!

And then I didn't remember what happened later because I was then felt a surge of relief of seeing that friend in the dream.

If you happened to read my blog regularly, this is not the first time I dreamed about my college. And I don't know why... but to be frank my college time was the happiest time of my life despite the hard work I put into my studies.

I can say that I was happy.... I was...

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O' Chinese Drama
Saturday. 10.20.18 6:31 am
Damn you Chinese drama. I don't know why you all can make such good tear-jerking drama script. Actually thanks to those authors because these drama is adapted from those light novels available online for free reading. I know many of these drama are from novels and I tried reading them but they are so awful. I am not sure if it's the translation that is horrible but overall makes me allergic to those light novels.

Well, perhaps I should elaborate more. Translation wise. I think the translators are doing their best to translate. Ok. Let's remove the spotlight on them especially on their hard and voluntary time. I think it's the storyline that really irritates me. Let me pick an example. There are a lot of time-travel stories in the China market that almost every translated story IS time-travel. Traveling to another time and space is an interesting genre nonetheless but when these authors put nonsense points ... they make me boil.

Right.

Like how?

Ok. Here we go. For example.

Female protagonist who is a number one surgeon in the country died and then travel back to a space and time to a character that shares the same name and her (as in body and face bla bla) except this character committed suicide and that's how this traveler can resume this new identity. The stark difference between these characters is that the deceased is extremely pitiful and weak while the newcomer is strong, everything the old one is not. So upon waking up the old body with a new owner changed overnight in terms of characteristics and personality and the best part is she will become a superwoman. Haha. I just mean she can do every impossible thing. And the one I read (and others) are incredibly ridiculous. With what I just wrote above is in the story except with one superpower: can bring things from Earth space to the new space. For example, like above, died and travel to an ancient time in a body that looks like her. Because she is a surgeon in Earth, she can help people medically, correct? She found out that even though she is in ancient time that does not have any technology to do blood test she can just put the blood vial in her sleeve and then her hand goes back to earth to do blood test in the machine that found at workplace and then bring back the result.

Wow. What kind of logic is that? Travel-ed to ancient time means total cut off from EARTH-current time and space. No teleportation here and there. X-men is exceptional because the author has set the plot stone that they are mutants with powers. MUTANTS. These died protagonists are just normal humans. If they are God or God grants them a wish and their wish is time/space travel then it makes one hell lots of sense. Not suddenly I die and then I go to another space that has also me but my version there died. This is not Fullmetal Alchemist anime. The foundation stone is so laughable. I cannot buy this kind of idea.

Unfortunately this is the kind of plot that is flourishing in the market which makes good quality of stories getting more rare.

I kept mentioning translation could suck earlier because I have read one light novel translated by a skilled translator. This person could have better language skill that the whole story makes sense, and also very readable like it's written in English entirety.

This genre not only flourishing in the light novels scene but also the manga scene to the point I can make a conclusion. A laughable one though. In order to be able to survive, you need to have cooking and another skill that I don't remember because the other universe food so sucks because they don't know how to use seasoning. So if you can make good food like foie gras you can save your own ass and maybe even become rich!

I really want to read a time-travel story that the protagonist lands in a pool of zombies. Bwahahaha.

Maybe I should write that.

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