Books I have completed reading since January 2018:
1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Friends and Enemies
Akatsuki: Nightmares & Dreamscapes
-beats in my head-
Chika-Chin's Anime Mania!
empty white space
In My World
My Blah blah Bulogu
My Little World
Sdovelly~ c'est la vie
Serene's Silent Secrets
Shuffle and Repear
Tolanic's Travel Blog
Sunday. 3.22.20 10:31 am
I have been hating myself for the past few months when I realised this life is not what I wanted initially.
I hate myself for allowing my mother to push me around to be suicidal.
I hate myself for letting myself stooping to her demands whenever she wails. Oh. And then she immediately stops wailing when I give in. I hated myself so much that I am feeling all this anger of hatred in me boiling. I started to hate myself when I realised how disgusted I am when I gave in to her cry not to employ her friend for a project I am in charge of. Yes, it's a project I am in charge of. My mother is involved in the project but I am the fucking head. Why did I gave in? Why did my mother cried in the first place? Well, because the friend is a better PR person than her, outshine herself than her (well in the wrong and ridiculous way), jealous of her achievement in her way that I seriously don't freaking understand jealous bitches. I may not understand completely because I don't rely on this project as my main rice bowl but all I know is seeing a competitor getting so many jobs while I have none is extremely painful that I cannot swallow but what can we do if our fate lies in the hand of the employer? I am doing other freelance jobs where I am seeing my friends got so many of the same freelance jobs that I have been eyeing for without being called. The agent will just contact them and sometimes they have to decline due to time clashes. While me? Applying so crazily and yet no reply from the agent. Am I not beautiful? I am more beautiful and professional than others. But still jobless. So what should I do? Go wailing like a fucking bitch? I can reflect but this is beyond my control. All I can think is to look for alternative paying freelance job instead of bitching of others work opportunities. That is exactly what my mother is doing. Bitching about her friend's job opportunities while wallowing about the little jobs she has.
I hate myself the more she said I should follow her to the fucking supermarket. I HATE MYSELF IN THAT SENTENCE. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I FOLLOW? I GOT A FUCKING LIFE.
Why the fuck am I hating myself for being controlled at the fucking age of 35?
I feel so pathetic.
I can always move out but my ultimate goal is to cut ties entirely. And I have not found a better way than this.
Wednesday. 2.12.20 2:03 pm
It's already Feb but I am still not feeling fab!
It suddenly hits on me that Nutang has been around for... like a decade? I should really take the time to read my past entries here. It would be interesting to look back on how I spent my youth.
It's funny how time flies and there are so many new things I have been doing and yet all I can just reply people "as usual' if they happened to ask what's new with me. I don't know why people are so fascinated with my life and only a handful will comment that I did make my life to the fullest while the rest will continue to comment I have no focus in life. It's pretty paradox but to think back I have tried out a lot of things though I am not good in all them but hey at least I can tell people I have tried!
It's already 2020 and I still can tell you that I am still finding myself but I have reduced a lot of things that no longer serve me and yet I still need to be more disciplined in this area because dropping some doesn't mean I didn't pick up new and not important stuff along the way!
As I look back, I realised I am somewhat fulfilling my basket list. Really! Like I said, I may not be good in that skill but at least I have tried!
So though I am not as rich as I want to, I know I am always rich in my experiences. And that's way better because no one can ever take that away from me. It's copyrighted already. =)
And so I move on to my other new projects.
Thursday. 12.19.19 2:10 am
I am feeling quite morbid when I think of the numbers in my age. I now really can feel how other people feel when they say they are getting older or how we believe Madonna was trying to defy her ageing by preserving her look.
I am really feeling that now. I feel like I am fighting against ageing but no point when my bank account is always the same: too little zeroes.
Some of my friends are already on the road to financial freedom and yet I am here undergoing instead financial struggle. It's like it's my middle name now. I don't remember a time where I don't have to worry about life.
Many things happened between the last blog entry and today. I don't know how long my heart can sustain all those pain. I have been holding myself ever since I was a child recording all those pain. It seems to never end. The pain may outlive me.
That's why it's so important for people to be kind to others because we don't know what the other person is going through like me. I am such a merry person and people usually comment that they have fun with me. I am making everyone happy but deep inside me I have all this pain quelling while I try to push it down so it won't overflow. Perhaps, life experience has also helped me to manage it but I no longer want to hope that I can manage it well. I want to heal this pain and I am at lost. I have to be kind to myself first. I have to forgive myself for not living a life that does not please others. Trailblazer. We all need that. To do what we want that only pleases us. That realisation brings such a profound awakening pain. The life that I am currently have is shaped by me but not my heart. I first need to breathe to feel the air... wind in my soul.
Those pain has been walked over by me countless of time without pausing to acknowledge it. I need to heal and I can.
Thursday. 10.10.19 2:11 pm
When I am with make-up, I look younger than my age. And I had a guy hitting on me during a photo-shoot I volunteered. He somewhat flipped when I told him I am 10 years older than him.
Not the first time and may not be the last time.
Monday. 9.9.19 8:42 am
It's funny how I have been having vivid dreams recently.
The first one I remember was with a Hong Kong celebrity, AL, and we were acting together. I think my role was a princess. HAHA. That seemed to be quite fun. After the acting I found a lot of coins on the ground until my hands were not able to contain all.
Second was about a friend who gone off in the head since my birthday in 2017. He gave me an ultimatum to either spend my days in Singapore with him or my friends if I want him to sponsor my trip. I gave him back the ultimatum to end our friendship. All I wanted was just to meet my friends in Singapore for over a meal and I got threatened. I don't deserve this. Worse of all was those people I wanted to meet were our mutual friends. Psycho. And I don't belong to anyone. And I don't know why I dreamed of him out of all people.
This morning I dreamed of a friend whom I have not met for a long time. I was pretty shocked because he no longer reply my messages on FB and the only thing I remember of him is an awkward law guy. In the dream, it seemed he had been waiting for me for 4 years. He was asking me when we are gonna be official and I totally jumped up. When did that even happened?! I kept trying to recall if we ever went on a date to test water... No we didn't? I asked for some clues and he told me it was back to a conversation about 24 inch? (What was that actually?!) I sort of kinda remember the conversation and I replied it was a joke! But he took it seriously that I wanted us to be couple. On top of that he waited for 4 years?! I emphasised it was a joke he didn't take it really very well and he didn't want to talk to me again even I tried consoling him. Of course, 4 years is very long... I don't know whose fault this is.
Continuation from the above dream... I dreamed of another acquaintance who I have been dreaming the most frequently. I got no freaking idea why. I don't think he was dreaming of me too since I am always able to sleep once touch the pillow...
I don't think the saying: You are not able to sleep because someone is dreaming of you is quite true here. Hmm... I won't able to ask him also if he dreams of me too because he doesn't talk to me anymore, I think. I don't know why people don't talk to me anymore and I am pretty tired to think about it either. Anyways, I don't know why he was playing a tour guide to a bunch of aunties in my dream on an estate that has a pool. I was there like a summer girl walking around taking in the environment of the estate but nothing impressive but he was smiling broadly to the aunties... This time we didn't interact. I think the reason why I dreamed of him this morning because I congratulated him on his winning. If only my manifestation is as efficient as this too...
So what other dreams I am gonna have? Bring it on!
Wait... How can I even forget the most interesting dream???!!
On one afternoon nap, I dreamed of two male Gods fighting over me. Yup. You read that right. I also don't know why a small bit of Singapore was washed away with me too. So we ended up like by the coastal. So... there were two handsome Gods of my liking. One with long black hair and their short silver hair. Woo... just imagine those anime characters... So... it seems the black hair was the one who saved me. I was in like a double storey house. I am always sleeping (it's actually sleep paralysis - yes I have paralysis within a dream) so this black hair God likes to watch me sleep by sleeping next to me... I think he was hoping I would kiss him accidentally. However, he is always away so in this absence... I will go over to the house that is quite across from mine which is directly in front of the sea... This silver hair God is my friend, that's what I felt. I see him as my friend but he was aggressive so he just pulled me into his embrace and I was lost like a sheep. I think the black hair one found out so he... flooded my area and... he made a partition between my area and that silver hair's house. My mother was the one who notified me about the partition because she could not go over. I remembered running and crying until I reached the beach side. My hand tried to push through the in the air but could not. I remembered pounding on that invisible wall and crying out loud that he cannot do this to me... he cannot stop me from meeting my friend. And I think the partition came down one day because I was in that silver's hair one... kissing and the busted by the black hair. And then...
Anyways, the ending is I have two kids with the spitting image of their father: one black hair and the other silver hair. So it's a happy ending.
Thursday. 8.8.19 11:30 am
I had a very nice dream a few weeks ago.
I dreamed that this friend of mine and myself had like a road trip which we have not had for a very long long time. We were giggling and talked a lot of things... until I tried remembering what happened to us. And then I recalled those painful sentences said by her...
But still that dream was pleasant. Just the two of us being happy like how we used to.
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