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Memores acti prudentes futuri


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no surprise, no mystery
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bug
Buttersafe
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Owen's Uncles
Phuzzy Comics
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scary Go Round
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy

Wilde Life
Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Broodhollow
Bullfinch
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Chainsawsuit
Daisy is Dead
Distillum
Dream Life
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
Moon Town
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream
Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Fogeys
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Mirror
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Quick bit
Sunday, May 15, 2022
"Indie Song" by Pops Tuna.


I've been asking my mom questions about her mother, and I'm learning some things that put my own experiences into context. I haven't been very happy with some of the ways my mom chose to parent me when I was growing up, but knowing how her mother treated her, I feel I understand better now why she did some of the things she did. It's giving me more compassion for her.

---

What else to say... I am keeping up well with my intentional habits of stretching and reading, and I'm working out five days a week regularly now. Trying to get enough protein is pretty hard and I'm not always hitting my goals, but I'm certainly getting a lot more than I was before, and I feel stronger and more physically capable, which is nice. I really need to work on my cardio though... That's been neglected since I'm just doing weight lifting for the most part, but I want to get it back on track...

I keep accidentally kicking my toe in the same spot where it broke though, so for now I've got it taped again and I'm wearing the post-op shoe until it stops hurting. I don't know that I even feel much about this except... tired.

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More good things
Friday, April 15, 2022
"Club Mania" by Pixel Grip.

Obsessed with this song today, so good.

I finally bought makeup primer for the first in my life, after wondering for years why I would always get raccoon eyes from eyeliner. I'm sure this is incredibly obvious to anybody who even vaguely knows what they're doing with makeup, but wow, primer really helps hahaha. Another step in the direction of figuring out how to present myself in a more aesthetically pleasing manner, I suppose.

I feel pretty good overall. One of my clients is a small child and I called his mom today to get some information to help me in treatment, and she seemed relieved and grateful to talk to me about how it was going. She even said that the behaviors he was exhibiting that led to his referral had declined! It was honestly wild, because I didn't even know specifically why he had been referred (all they told me was that he was disruptive), but I feel great hearing that apparently within the time I've been seeing him, he's improved in that way. I don't know if it was actually because of me or not, but the timing does coincide perfectly with when he started seeing me.

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Refinement and growth
Saturday, April 2, 2022
"bullet train" by pizzagirl.


I've been feeling pretty good lately. I'm busy, maybe busier than I have been in a long time, but I feel like I have bandwidth for pretty much everything and I don't feel overwhelmed or tired by what I have to do.

Some healthy habits I've been working on:
-Stretching every day (over two months into this now)
-Reading five pages of a book every day
-Working out several times a week
-Eating at least two meals a day

Reading at this pace is quite slow, but I think it's probably more productive over time than my previous method of reading lots at once and then not reading for months at a time. The consistency is what I'm trying to build more than anything else. I've been doing a good job with the stretching, and I feel proud of that. It's fun to notice my progress with flexibility and feel the difference in my body. My posture has gotten better (working out contributes too, I'm sure) and overall I just feel more confident and at ease in my body.

---

I've been thinking about dialectical motion and its place in my life. The movement from thesis to antithesis feels related to what I usually visualize as rats running back and forth in a maze, from one end to another. I feel like the third part of the process, synthesis, is kind of like rising above the maze and looking down on it to see the totality of the maze. There is an extra bit to this for me relating to power, and I'm not sure if it's described by Hegel (I haven't read The Phenomenology of Spirit, only analyses of it, but I wonder if it would help to read it?). I think reaching that synthesis stage releases us from the hold of the thesis/antithesis positions... Like there's some distance, clarity, perspective there. When you step outside of something, it can't have power over you so much. So I guess like, I'm trying to find my way to that place outside of this either/or black/white thinking. It seems like it has to be done in bits and pieces, but that's not so bad. All just part of the journey.

---

I think this present form of myself would have been inconceivable to my teenage self. I reflect back on that time in my life a lot and the contrast feels very strong. I've made a lot of progress these past 15 years.

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Feeling words [DP]
Friday, March 18, 2022
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Not quite dead yet
Tuesday, February 15, 2022
Life has been kind to me.

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Ugh, it happened
Wednesday, December 29, 2021
I caught covid. :(

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New descriptions
Friday, December 3, 2021
One of my friends likes to make observations about me. I always find these things interesting/useful, since they give me some perspective about how I'm perceived and also give me material I can repurpose if someone asks me to describe myself.

Recent additions:
"You're my favorite robot."
"Manic pixie thrift store fashionista or MTV's Daria. The two poles of your spectrum."
"You're the most redpilled girl I've ever met." (This one made me laugh)
"You're like a first gen e-girl."

---

I've been hitting the gym recently. It helps that I have a friend to go with sometimes, but having a personal trainer to give me workouts is also pretty good for giving me direction/motivation. Trainer wants me to be getting 125g of protein a day though, which has been extremely difficult to manage. I mean, 500 calories of protein would be around a third of my daily caloric intake... Although I need to be eating more for those gains, I guess.

Doing (Romanian) deadlifts has been fun. I maxed out on the mini barbell weight available at my gym though (110lbs), so I guess I gotta move up to real barbells... The hardest part at the moment is that my grip and arm strength can't keep up with my leg strength, so picking up the bar in the first place and then holding onto it is tough, but the actual deadlift itself is not. Gotta work on that I guess... But hey, it'll be exciting when I can deadlift more than my bodyweight! And only 15lbs to go before I can basically deadlift myself haha.

I wanna start doing barbell squats too... Y'know, get thicc 'n all. But it kind of hurts my neck(?)/upper back area, or... I don't know, is that considered shoulders? Well whatever, the area the barbell rests on. Not sure what to do about that, or if it means I have the bar positioned wrong... A quick search suggests that it's just a newbie lifter problem though, so I guess maybe I'll get used to it if I just keep at it? Probably like how the seats on stationary bikes are horribly uncomfortable at first and then after a bit they seem fine. Honestly I'm still not sure how that works. Wonder if your brain just kind of adjusts the nerve sensitivity there or something. I'm like... pretty sure that it's not a matter of your crotch developing calluses, at least.

---

As far as mental health and whatnot, I've been pretty good. Trying to remember to take my supplements, get enough sun, eat reasonably healthy (consciously making a shift towards less sugar has maybe been good?), and of course, exercise. Regular social contact is on the list of "do these things to be healthy" too, but I feel like I spend pretty much as much time as I can chatting with people anyway. Given the choice, I'd probably rather talk to my friends than eat, sleep, or do nearly anything else. Good conversation is more fulfilling than nearly any other activity I could engage in.

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Trying something out [4P]
Wednesday, November 10, 2021
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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