"Notion" by The Rare Occasions.

I'm sure there won't always be sunshine
But there's this momentary beam of light

---

I think this might be the longest I've ever gone without writing a post... Am I running out of things to say these days?

I guess that when you're an adult and you have a job, things get a bit repetitive and start to blend together... time seems to move quickly. There are still things that separate the days, though, when I look. Some days there are little mushrooms growing out of the lawn where I work, and some days there are strips of rainbow light on the concrete where the sun is reflecting just at the right angle off a sign. Some days I laugh, and some days I cry.

There have been ups and downs, but nothing that feels quite right to share here, I guess. I'm not sure who reads my blog these days, and I'm often inclined to just tell people directly when something happens in my life.

Nutang will always be special to me, though, no matter how long it takes me to write a post. Most everyone seems to have moved on at this point, but I think of this community as where I grew up, not from early childhood obviously, but from adolescence. I was only 14 when I started here, and now it's close to 20 years later and I'm still here. I've been here longer than half my life. I don't want to give this up.

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"Clouds" by BØRNS.

Clouds are rolling by
I open my mouth and I breathe them right in
All my thoughts slip away
But I can't stop thinking 'bout your face
I can't stop thinking 'bout your face

---

The sun is bright, time feels like it doesn't move, even though the light changes. Nighttime comes and still it feels like no time has passed.

I smile reflexively, uncontrollably, against my will even. It feels like I'm smiling for something secret, but it's not that other people can't know, it's that they can't understand. This smile is for the beauty of life that washes over me as I exist here. It's always there, churning and flowing, waiting to be breathed in and seen, but only sometimes am I able to find it. I don't know the secret for uncovering what is always there to see, nor do I know how to show it to others, though it seems sometimes there's a contagious effect when I can see it.

This is the world I want to give to my children. I know it doesn't last forever, but it doesn't have to last forever. When you feel this feeling, it seems to cancel out all the suffering you've ever had. This is the world I want everyone to know. There are no petty concerns here, no tethers to struggle against. It just feels like everything is alright, everything will work out, and even when things are dark, there's still light out there, waiting patiently to be found again.

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"So Alright, Cool, Whatever" by The Happy Fits.

Now your name makes all the life inside me shake
But I guess God wants us apart for heaven's sake
But how could you ever really know?
If you never look, you don't know what you'll find
I've got an effervescent glow
If you'd show me all the dark parts of your mind

I wanna be with you, I wanna be with you
I wanna be barely hanging on
I wanna be with you, I wanna be with you
I wanna be barely hanging on
I wanna be with you all of the time
I wanna be loved by you every night
I wanna be dancing, dreaming, bawling and weeping
For you all of my life

---

I've been feeling happy lately. I guess the thing about happiness though is that it's fairly simple. It's all-encompassing and feels lovely, but it's not complicated. In happiness, things feel effortless, easy, not requiring of much thought. It's just a flow that picks you up and floats you wherever it is that you're going. So... it doesn't inspire me to write very much. When I'm happy, I don't think about it. I just exist in the happy state. Only outside of it can I reflect on it, really. It takes distance to describe.

The default state of my mind is a constant buzz of thoughts that go to certain things if left to their own devices, but I can direct them towards certain things if I so choose. So, I usually can't do much about the number of thoughts I'm having, but I can decide what they're going to be focused on. Maybe with more meditation practice I could quiet things more, but yeah, by default, there's a lot of mental traffic. Happiness condenses these thoughts down to some extent, and makes it more quiet.

I know I said I wanted to try meditating more awhile back, but in all honesty, I haven't, haha. It just hasn't been interesting to me. I have been doing other things, though. I'm getting into roller skating, which I've really been enjoying, and I'm thinking about getting my own skates soon instead of just renting them when I take lessons. I also did a photoshoot and am planning to do another in the future.

Also been somewhat occupied with planning social events... I'm setting up a girls' night for next month, which is not something I would have normally done in the past, but I'm enjoying leaning into femininity at the moment. I've spent so much time just socializing with guys, it's nice to have female friends. I don't really know what people do for girls' nights, if I'm being honest, but I bought some nail polish for a fundraising auction, and I really want to be able to use it haha, so I figured this would be a good opportunity.

Life is good at the moment, though certainly not perfect. One of my birds has been at the vet for a couple days with mysterious health issues, but I'm hopeful that she will end up being okay. Whatever happens, I just want to give her the best life I can.

I was having a rough time earlier this summer, but I feel at ease now. I know it won't last, but for the time being at least, I have some peace.

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"Money Rain Down (Acoustic)" by Big Black Delta.

It must be heaven
I must be a fool
Wake up tomorrow
Water rain down on you

When Big Black Delta started putting out these acoustic reworks, I was extremely hesitant. Normally I feel like acoustic versions of songs I like tend to suck. This album has grown on me though, and it's tonally quite different from the originals, so maybe that helps? The songs are sort of soothing in a way.

My sleep schedule has been derailed immensely, for pleasant reasons, but its effects on me are less than ideal. My brain is definitely not working very well with the lack of sleep. I ended up taking a long nap when I got home from work today, and I can feel how it shifted my mood.

I've been in an odd state for awhile, even before this recent sleep issue. I feel very... unattached to most outcomes, like most things just don't really matter. It's not necessarily in a negative, nihilistic way though. It's more like I feel at ease and I'm not worried about how things will come out. I do still feel some sadness around certain things I hoped for, but it doesn't seem to weigh on me as heavily as it has at times in the past.

I keep thinking I should really try to start meditating regularly, but I haven't gotten around to it. I guess I should explore my resistance to it and see what I can find.

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I'm searching for a name for something that might be nameless, in the hopes that if a name exists, it will mean some sort of clarity, commonality, control.

If a name exists, it means that someone has marked this path, that this territory is, at least to some degree, mapped out.

But if it's nameless, then it falls to the person who names it to figure out the pattern and give it definition. To write the story that others may follow. It might be valuable work, but it's solitary, and it's of more benefit for those who come after.

I'm not sure I want to keep being the one who names things.

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