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This is sappy. If you like sappiness, the pw is sappy
Monday. 3.4.19 10:11 am
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Happiness
Friday. 3.1.19 9:40 am
*Disclosure:I know I talk about my ex a lot, and it seems like I am not over him. But I truly am. I just like to write what I know. And well..Chris was what I knew for 5 years. I hope whoever is reading this understands that.*

I was used to chaos. I was used to someone who wasn't capable of loving me the way I needed to be loved. We tried for 5 years, and i knew deep down, that we weren't compatible. But i buried that feeling, because I loved him at the time. I stubbornly fought that gut feeling, all five years. I fought it, because he is kind, he is good, and he has so much potential. But now I realize...that isn't a reason to be with someone. We weren't compatible.

And now, I met someone new. His name is Derek. And we are fresh, 3 months. I don't know if we will last, or if this is someone that will always be in my life, but I am happy. I enjoy being with him, and I hope it continues to progress. He treats me very well. He tells me weekly, sometimes even daily, how wonderful he thinks I am. He respects me, my career, and my choices. He laughs at my stupid jokes and he gets nervous around me sometimes. I get forehead kisses, hugs, and we hold hands even if he's not used to it lol. I can tell he loves making me laugh and smile..because his smile, laugh, and the way he looks at me after I crack up is the cutest thing in the world. He bought me flowers on valentines day, even after we had an argument because of something I said, and something I know I started lol. He pays for all my food, cooks BOMB ASS FOOD, brings me gifts randomly, fixes up things in my place if I ask him to, and asks me advice for things he wants to do with his life. Good morning texts turn into all day texts until we both say Goodnight. Facetimes when he wants to tell me about something that happened in his day, audio clips of him singing, and he always opens my doors for me. He met Diana, Mark, and Anise, my best friends. All 3 people really like him, and I am so happy that they do. I still am getting to know him, but so far, I am happy.

I was used to chaos. I was used to feeling anxious in relationships. I was used to not being treated well. I was used to being put on the back burner. I know Chris never meant to hurt me deliberately, but I realize now, how badly I was treated in that relationship. I realized I always gave, and it wasn't reciprocated that way I deserved. Being with Derek makes me realize what I was always missing. I feel like a woman with Derek. I feel cherished, cared about, and adored. I feel validated, and he somehow knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. When I told Derek what happened with my breakup, he told me I deserved better, and that Chris should have stepped up instead of deciding to be complacent. I know a lot of Chris' complacency came from his own demons. But I realize that his demons were never mine to fix. He couldn't care for me because he stopped caring for himself. I hope whatever he is doing, he's working on himself and finally getting the life that he desires and deserves. I know when he does that, he will make another woman happy.

Derek may not be in love, and I may not be in love with him just yet either. But i can see it...I can see myself falling for him. We haven't had sex yet, which honestly is such an amazing idea. I feel a lot of my flings in 2018 were all lust-filled. No true connection was made because it was clouded by lust. With Derek? Well, we are more level headed. He's become my friend, someone I am slowly beginning to trust more and more, and our emotional connection is also growing. Wherever this goes, I'm excited for it. Getting to know him is fun! It's light, it's easy, and it's going so well. I don't know if Derek knows, but I am so thankful for having met him. Even if we don't end up together, he has showed me what I deserve from someone. He makes me happy, and makes me realize my worth. Let's hope it continues to grow<3.

Thank you Derek, you make me feel beautiful. Thank you for caring for me the way you do. And most importantly, thank you for caring for me the way I care for you.

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