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Monday. 8.24.20 1:04 am

"--But when I watch one of them, later, jumping and singing along with his favorite band in the pouring rain, and see that candy-sweet joy and abandon, I wonder if The Void shouldn't beckon me just a bit more."

I woke up to find myself floating in The Void.

My future marriage dust at my feet, I'd gone through the motions of seeking out a new partner, before realizing that wasn't The Way. I went to therapy but couldn't move forward, couldn't let myself live in the truth and start healing. I kept explaining myself, and negotiating myself, and abandoning myself, and ignoring myself. I kept researching my decisions; polling for the right move; hesitating in the absence of an absolute, objective truth.

And then I was there, suspended in nothing, by nothing.

At some point, you have to pay attention to the elephant in the room. Without the usual distraction of dating, socializing, travel, I found myself with all this time. I don't think it was intentional, that I'd never had time before; I think I'd wanted to build real relationships to feel like I had my network, because part of me knew: There was this creeping sense that I was coming up on something cavernous and starving.

That something, as it turned out, was me.

Here's something I never thought I would say: I found myself during a heart chakra meditation, furious and untrusting, trapped like a rabbit, small.

I told my new therapist, who I'd hired specifically because she didn't make me feel comfortable or like I was speaking with a friend. She said, "I think you might have had a breakthrough," and I believed her, because I don't think I've ever explained something so eerie and transformative before that my hair stood on end and my eyes welled up from putting words to it. Coming across my energy (my intuition, my core, my baseline) and not knowing her turned my body into a haunted house. I was my own poltergeist, hurling unexplored emotions at the walls and pinching myself awake. I was terrified of the face I imagined when the meditation guide instructed me to connect to my heart chakra.

I explained to my therapist, during that session, "I've never seen myself like that. I've never seen myself that angry."

A couple of months have passed; July was a wash, essentially. After finding that missing piece, my life centered only on integrating that piece back into the whole, making sure that it was flowing through me with the rest. I slept 12 hours a day and watched myself become--well. Actually, there's no real adjective to add, there. I just kind of...became.

Decisions became easier--even the big ones--as I started acting from the inside out, rather than from the outside in. I started recognizing myself. I could name my traits, my habits, my beliefs, my desires...which I hadn't even tried to do, before, much less succeeded in. I stopped feeling the need to explain or "sell" myself, and instead trusted that people with the right energy would come to me and love me regardless; that they'd see me for who I am, really--and I might still need to apologize at times, but it would be less frequent that I'd feel the need to explain.

This isn't me in a place where I feel entirely at peace and healed, but this is me clear-headed and feeling. And I am exhausted--not to mention exhausting to everyone around me who still knows me by the old script--and sometimes I still feel the need to reach for solid ground, but the tether I have to myself is the only real stability I need.

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Thursday. 10.24.19 2:13 am

So, I go to a cat cafe with this girl I'm seeing, right? And there's this one cat who will climb up on anyone, just looking for a warm person to snuggle with. He's a bombay with shiny black fur, and he's able to make himself small enough for any lap, just to have that secure space. She takes my photo with him and we take a few pictures together, the usual business at a cafe...

Last Thursday, I walked back into that cafe with a carrier and a check, and I brought him home. He's on my lap, contentedly, right now. I changed his name to Casanova, because of his lovey demeanor and sleek appearance.

Last month was a hard month. I still love my now-ex, but he wasn't giving me any sort of meaningful communication for an entire month (just shut down), and he isn't good for me in a plethora of other ways. I ended up getting so frustrated that I just let the horses loose and backed him into a corner. The result was expected, and a relief: dumped. I wanted to do it in person, or at least over the phone. Once I realized he was making that impossible...well. I might be a dick for making sure I wasn't the dick who did it over text...but he's the dick, and I'm satisfied with that.

His stuff had been packed for a couple weeks, at that point, and I didn't cry when I dropped it off in his garage. I did cry when my best friend, over the phone, told me that I deserve better than what I ask of people. Having been torn down by so many dysfunctional men, kind words from a woman who has known me for 20 years did wonders in healing my heart. Another wonderful friend told me she never wants to see me hurting like that over someone again. Admittedly...I was a wreck. The way he disengaged caused some serious whiplash (in retrospect, though, I did see that drop coming. There was love-bombing).

It took me almost 10 years to leave a dysfunctional cycle with R. It only took 6 months, with J. I'll take that as a win.

I guess what I'm saying is that things are getting better, but it's forced me to reframe how I approach my life and how I approach myself.

I wanted Casanova, so I went for it. I wanted more money, so I worked my ass off, and my promotion should be keyed into the system tomorrow. Now, I want to be a barre instructor, and I've let the studio owner know, and she mentions it often as though it's definitely already a guaranteed thing (I'll still audition in January like I'm the ugliest girl at prom trying to be dick-sucking queen in the bathrooms). And I want my Master's, and am just about through being nervous about re-entering academia. It's been long enough.

I'm not just done accepting poor treatment from romantic partners--

--I'm done accepting it from myself. And that's the root of it, isn't it? The lack of hard work and loyalty towards myself.

It's OK. I knew there would be growing pains, after I completely blew up my life, earlier this year.

On Friday, I'm going on a second date with this total babe. He's picking me up and taking me to a restaurant...where he's made reservations. Saturday, I'm taking the girl I mentioned earlier to a cocktail event and then we're changing into Halloween costumes and going out to show them off. Now that I own a sleek black panther kitty, I also own a sexy witch costume.

Meanwhile, my ex-boyfriend is doing weird shit like friending my best friend on Facebook. Have fun, I guess. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

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Monday. 8.19.19 9:46pm
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Greens and Yellows
Monday. 6.24.19 12:41 pm
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