We have not physically crossed any lines. We have not walked into forbidden territory, however we're walking the cliff's edge, watching the other from the opposite side.

I enjoy our times together and sometimes the glimpses of closeness and the moments when we are alone have me singing the next morning "I could have danced all night".

But we still don't cross that line out of respect and out of one circumstance.

I do not envy nor dislike the woman that is between us. She just is, therefore this situation is how it must be for now.

But I wonder when he is with her, does he feel guilt when on occasion the time spent with her, his thoughts will trail to me? Does he feel the need to fight it harder?

Is that why this evening during my bath, I felt my energy sap out of me like I was just hit by a truck? I know he was with her at the time. I am rarely wrong when it comes to this. I know it had something to do with your thoughts of me.

I fought it, but realized fighting this would be like a pebble fighting an ocean current. I can try, but I'd be swept away with the tide.

So I will continue to stand on the opposite shore, watching, speaking, yet not crossing, until circumstances change and you build a bridge to cross this distance between us.

Then your thoughts of being with me will bear no guilt, and I'm free to tell you what I truly feel. I have not lied to you, I have told you the truth, but not the whole truth. One day you will ask and I will tell you.

But for now if the most I could do is hold you near and be a person you can talk to, then I will accept my place in your world.

Because one day soon, you're going to have to find your place in mine.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

I wear my heart on my sleeve, so please be careful. I fall hard, and love harder. If you don't want to hurt me, don't break me.

It's just that simple.

Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: hurt [t], love [t], trust [t], respect [t]

I need something to divert my attention to what's going on presently in my head, namely what I saw yesterday which I really wish I did not see, however I did, and therefore I have to deal with it.

I saw some photos that really that raised more than a few eyebrows, and I was IMed something by a guy I have no interest in.

All in all, it's been a very odd day. LOL

But since I'll be working tonight, I will have to find something to divert my attention towards to keep my head on straight while I work. And yes, this has something to do with the posts I had made prior.

Take a deep breath Jan... everything will be alright. Must find my center, my calm.

*Mommy!*

Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: chaos [t], finding center [t], why oh why [t]

Is it personal torture when all you want to do is run when someone tells you that you're going to be in a blissful relationship with a wonderful person? I'm right now running scared.

Terrified.

It has nothing to do with the guy, just about a lot of bad information had put me in a very bad stint that I have yet to fully recover from. My undying loyalty held on for 6 years without word to another man, until I had to finally aknowledge that the man that several readers told me would be my future mate, wasn't.

Afterward I begged, pleaded, cried to the heavens to bring to me the man that would be everything that I'd ever wanted. I even had a list that I would repeat constantly when I was alone. To flesh him out, make him more real to me.

Then I finally met him.

I didn't recognize him to be this man, but thought of him merely as a wonderful man. A wonderful, yet unobtainable man since he was in love with someone else. I resolved myself to not be with him and just use him as my ruler to measure all those that come against.

Then the news that came out of the heavens with a nice big bow told me that this man was the one I had been hoping for. He was it, and he was to be mine. I ran for the hills, and I don't mean like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music. I mean I ran for the hills scared out of my mind.

Here's this younger man, who is practically everything I asked for in a man for the exception of two things, and if what people are saying is true, he wants ME. The whole flashback to 2001 is making me want to cry and hide. I don't need my heart broken again and I don't need to keep false hope. I put myself out there far too many times and have gotten burned for it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I admit that I feel far more than most people. If this man is the one meant for me, he's going to have to approach me and I realize I'm stubburn, but he's going to have to convince me that I am the only person he wants and needs, and HE HAS TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.

It's going to take not only his voice but his actions to make me stop running. Then maybe I'll find some peace.

Of course if I stopped listening to Blue's "You Make Me Wanna", I might be able to start thinking straight, on top of Whitesnake's "Is This Love". *shakes head*

Comment! (3) | Recommend! | Categories: love [t], running scared [t]

Sunday afternoon I got some odd news that put me in a very strange spot. It involves a man, and presently the relationships of two women. One being my best friend and roommate, the other being someone that's quite literally on the other side of the globe that I befriended as of late. All three of us are going through very similar situations and it's right now ticking one by one, one at a time.

As for the man it involves, technically it's three men, however one is in the middle, another one is an afterthought, and the last is the only main player in this scenario.

The whole thing stemmed from a vision I got while taking a nice long epson salt bath. I had the candles lit, the incense going, the drops of lavander and jasmin essential oils in the water. Basically a nice relaxing bath. I stayed there for a while, taking it all in. And then while I'm sitting in the bath, a vision comes into mind.

I'm watching a replay of a video update (which I'm far behind on), but the background looks very different from former updates. It feels right, like it is home, however it looks nowhere near my present home office. While I'm doing the update, I see the torso of someone in a white t-shirt pass behind me. A few seconds later they come back into the shot, lean towards the camera and looks into the camera as I'm talking to it, and then he looks at me. I knew this face to be the man that I was refering to before as the main player in this whole thing. He looks at me, then looks at the camera, then he says something to the camera, and gives a cheesy grin then leaves. At this time I stop talking and just look at him as he walks away. I then focus back my attention to the camera and the next words I say was enough to jolt me from my moment of relaxation. I can't really say as to what, but it was enough that it stunned the living daylights out of me, to the point I ran to find someone I knew online to read me, to tell me I was wrong.

All I can say is the vision refered to this man as my husband, and even though it wouldn't be such a bad thing, the present circumstances regarding all the players in this situation makes it a very akward situation, since two of these men are connected through mutual association, and one is connected through me.

Since I couldn't find solice through another reader, I did what is considered a no-no, which was read myself. I took out one of my decks and read for myself. Through two readings, the same outcomes came out; happily ever after. Two blind cuts also produced the exact same card in a 72 card deck, shuffled multiple times, and no, this card was not warped.

Because I thought I was going crazy, I asked my roommate to bear witness to this and 4 more times I cut blindly, through various shuffles, and once she shuffled the deck for me, and all four times I pulled the exact same card; happily ever after. I read myself as well and the message was clear. This man was indeed who I had been waiting for, and the more it began to sink in, the more afraid I became.

Why would meeting the right person make me fear? Well the fact that if this situation is correct, then I am not in a love triangle, but a pentagon. It would involve two women and three men in total. One of them formerly married. The main man in question is someone that is not someone I want to get emotionally involved with because of his present circumstanes. He would be a great guy to be involved with if circumstances were in our favor, however it presently is not. I don't even know if he feels for me! The whole thing made me rather confused and freaked out.

Then the confusing part... one reader said that he isn't the one I marry, the other one said he is. Both said there would be a time of heightened temptation, and a trip was going to definitely occur in mid year. 2007 is coming around the bend. After this, nothing will ever be the same again.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I went to the audition yesterday to wait on line for about two hours when the last ticket to audition was given to a person 20 people in front of me on line.

But I wasn't bothered by this.

It was so cold my toes were numb, and I was thinking this might be a better idea when the weather is warmer...

And I should consider getting there earlier too.

Well, I guess I might as well wait on the next audition.

Oh, and for those of you that have decided to come here since I blocked my xanga site to all those who don't have a site, just wanted to let you know... I see you. :-P

Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: the apollo [t], audition [t], xanga [t], performing [t]