~~ this was actually started around 1am, when the modem went out and it finally came back up {again} just now. this is quite a long entry, so read if you dare. if you dare ... then enjoy

Well, the modem has gone out yet again. This seems to be a nightly thing lately. Last night it went out and again tonight. Only last night, once it came back on, it stayed on. I don't know what's wrong with it or why its doing this, but its getting quite frustrating. All I want to do is get on the internet and talk and play games, but apparently I'm not supposed to.

You've heard of the cliche saying "with every up there's a down and with every down there's an up." Well, in my case, I'm getting all the downs. Nothing seems to be going right. Where the hell is my up? My up for every fucking down that I've had to deal with? Another cliche saying "everything happens for a reason." Again, what the hell reason is there for me to have to deal with all of this? Why? And there it is again. The time old question that's rarely answered correctly: why.

I would list all of the things that have gone wrong, but I don't feel like spending that much time on it. Then again, maybe by the time I finish listing it all, the modem will be back up and running. Ugh.

I've also mentioned that I've gotten over Stuart and in every sense that I can go days without talking to him and when I do talk to him, it doesn't hurt me to say bye when one of us has to go. I can watch 300 without getting upset that that was the one time I went out with him and I can think of the things we did without going into my mopey phase. But my subconscious won't leave it be.

I keep dreaming about him. Not every night, but close enough to it. Most recently I've been having a reoccuring dream about him, but the exact location changes each time. I keep running into him, in a fashion that almost seems to be on purpose. In each dream I am on vacation and I'm visiting Katie and Tiffany in Tucson {along with a few others that I hung out with} and while we're out, I see him. {keep in mind the following is what happened on the third visit I made to Tucson ~ in the dream world, of course}

The first time, we're at the mall and we're in line to see a movie. I turn around to talk to one of them who was behind me and I catch a glance of Stuart walking towards the line with one of his friends. He doesn't appear to have noticed me, but when I turn back to say something to one of my friends, he's standing next to us and not-so-subtly says. "hey, I didn't notice you here. What are you doing here?"

I come back with something, I don't remember what and we commence into the movie. The dream skips ahead to later that night {we were catching a matinee film} and I'm at a bar with another group of friends drinking {Tiff and Katie aren't old enough to legally drink yet.} After about half an hour, I notice out the corner of my eye someone who looks like Stuart sitting a few seats down. He's surrounded by people ordering drinks so I couldn't get a good look at him for a few minutes. I figure its just my imagination and I go back to drinking and joking around with my friends. The next thing I know, he's there next to me ordering a drink for himself.

I turn around and confront him. "What are you doing here?" His retort. "Drinking, of course. We just got out of a hockey game," as he signals to the group of people that had previously surrounded him. I roll my eyes and go to turn around when he touches my shoulder and says something that I don't remember. That's the end of that dream.

The next night, same dream, different setting. I'm driving by myself this time, going to meet up with Tiffany at her work so that we could head out when she got off. I get there a little early so that I could get something to drink and munch on while waiting and guess who "nonchalantly" shows up a few minutes later. He orders something and comes to sit with me. Its at this point I start to suspect something, but I keep it to myself thinking it was just a crazy weird coinsidence. We finish eating, Tiffany gets off work and we go our seperate ways.

The dream, yet again, skips ahead to later that night. I decided that instead of going to a bar to drink with my of-age friends, Tiffany, Katie, Adrian and I would go to a club so that we could have some fun and if I wanted to drink, I'd have that option available to me. About an hour after we got there, I spot him sitting at the bar section of the club. I excuse myself from the group and go over to sit next to him.

He turns after noticing he's got someone next to him and not quite as subtly as he was trying for says, "hey, I didn't know you were here." I stare at him and come back with, "alright, this is the 4th time in two days that I've run into you. This is either a really crazy, odd coinsidence or you're following me. I'm gonna go with the latter." He looks at me for a minute and then looks down at his drink and confesses that only the first time was a coinsidence. He didn't know that I was back in town and since he found out I was back, he kept trying to find ways to catch me out without it seeming too out of the ordinary.

I told him he wasn't being too successful, but I didn't mind seeing him. It was just a little creepy to find out that he had been following me. We talked for a few minutes longer till I invited him back to where the others were. Mind you, I had told Tiffany my suspiscions, but this was the confirmation.

The dream skips ahead again; its the same night, but its just Stuart and me this time. I ask him if I can confide in him something that had been bugging me for quite some time. He has no problem with it and I say to him, "did you ever think that maybe we were meant for each other? That we were perfect for one another? I mean, we have enough in common to keep a relationship working, but we have enough not in common to work along with the cliche phrase 'opposites attract.' Its something I've been thinking about and I wasn't quite sure when or how to bring it up. This, us running into each other like this, seems to be the perfect time and this is the best I've come up with in the time I've been thinking about it."

He looks at me, takes a sip of his drink and ... the dream ends. I don't know what its trying to tell me, if anything, but it makes me think. I don't really pay much attention to it when I'm awake, but when I doze off, he's back on my mind. Ugh.

Alright, the modem is back up and running. For how long I'm not quite sure so I'm gonna try and get some stuff done while it seems to still be working.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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I want a boyfriend, but just like last time I want one for all of the wrong reasons.

I'm bored. I want something to do and I want to get out and meet some people. I mean, of course I want a boyfriend, well ... because I haven't really had a "true" boyfriend in a few years. But that's not the main reason I want one right now.

I want someone who will take me out and be okay with simply hanging out. I'd feel bad though, because I'm not working so I wouldn't be able to pay for anything. I don't want another Justin. He was too much of an annoyance.

I don't want a Stuart either, because that was based simply on fooling around. We only went somewhere other than my apartment twice. And the second time was to somewhere simply so that we could fool around.

I'm not sure yet, if I do get together with someone out here, if I want the relationship to be "serious." I'm definate on moving back to Florida next summer and if I were with someone, I'd either be breaking up with them before I leave or I'd have to be serious enough with them for them to want to move with me.

Which is a really big step especially if you've known them for less than a year. Anyone I meet from here on, I would know them for less than a year before I move away. Four of my past relationships have ended because I've moved. I know the consequences that I'd be suffering if it happened again.

That's where my dilema comes into play. I want a boyfriend, but right now, its for the wrong reasons. When I do get a job and start living more of my independent life again, I know that I'd want one then too. But at that point I'll be afraid to get too close just in case he isn't "the one" or I'll get too close and be afraid that he won't be "the one" and won't want to move with me, in which case it would end with me moving away again. I'd end up getting my heart half broken anyway.

{I'm going with half broken because if its not true love, then I don't feel as if I'm giving my whole heart}

Ugh. I know that I have to wait and that when the time is right, it'll happen. But being the impatient person that I am, I hate waiting.

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If you have a cat that pisses on the tile floor ... don't, under any circumstance, use a Swiffer Wetjet to clean it up.

It smells horrible.

Blech!

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So apparently I'm not completely over Stuart. Or at least not as much as I previously thought.

I just went to his myspace page, something I haven't done in a few days, and a comment that was left triggered an emotion I was hoping I wouldn't have to feel. A tinge of jealousy came forth and it made me kind of upset.

I didn't even know she knew him. I thought he had quit before she even started working there. It always made me wonder, but after a time I didn't really think about. I purposely made myself not think about it whenever I saw her in his friends. I just thought maybe it was a coinsidence.

I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should be, especially since the comment was nothing special and he hasn't commented her back yet, but its bringing up emotions I didn't want to deal with. Emotions that I was thinking were gone.

I'm going to ask him about it later. I'm not going to beat around the bush either. I would ask her, but I haven't talked to her since I moved. Maybe I should text her. I dunno.

Ugh!

Screw emotions that I have no control over. They suck.

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This is the third time I'm attepting this ... lemme see if I can pick the right words to actually get through the whole thing.

So ... the Stuart situation. I haven't been talking to him that much lately; maybe every few days or so. The urge to text him or contact him is a little easier to resist than it was before. And although I miss him still, I'm not as upset about the whole situation.

I talked to him this past Monday. He was back in the ER cuz he's been neglecting his ankle to the point where he could no longer walk on it. I've written a few times about how he had screwed up his ankle about 2 months ago, but never got it properly looked at it. He's paying for the neglegance now.

It turns out he's got a torn ligament and a stress fracture due to the pressure put on the injury from walking on it, running, swimming, playing hockey and whatever else he's done that requires the use of his ankle. He's going to be in a boot brace thing for the next 2 months, at the least.

He's also been dealing with some crap at home and he ended up getting kicked out. He didn't tell me why he was kicked out and I didn't ask. So now he's staying with his friend for the time being until he can get into a more decent place.

He's also had to quit his new job because you can't work in construction with an injury like his. I'm not sure if you can really work in consturction with any injuries at all. So now he has to find something that he can do that won't be jeapordized due to an injury so that he can keep paying off bills and fines and such.

I still miss talking to him, but like I said, its a little easier to deal with. My heart still skips a beat whenever I see him online or when he IMs or texts me. I guess that's a reaction I'm going to have to deal with for quite a while. At least, until I can get completely over him to the point where I only see him as just another friend to talk to.

The only bad thing about him fucking up his ankle like this {besides all the bad shit he has to deal with} that affects me in any way, is that if I can get back to Tucson in October, he'll still be there. I was really hoping that he would be in the service by then so I wouldn't have to deal with thing that I know I'll have to deal with if he's still there. With the knowledge that he's still in Tucson, I'll want to see him. But I know that I don't want to have to say goodbye again. There-in lies the conflict. Do I acknowledge that he's still there and take the risk of seeing him and dealing with the consequences afterwards? Or do I acknowledge that he's still there and not see him, wondering the whole time, what could have happened if I had?

I'm using the word "if" because I don't even know, at this point in time, if I'll even be able to get back to Tucson. I still don't have a job. I'm not sure if I'll have the money or be able to take the time off by the time October comes around. I really hope I will be able to, but its really iffy right now.

Anywho, I think I managed to get this entry written out better than I had intended on doing so. I guess third time's the charm.

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