I have learned a lot about myself over the past week and a half. Although it took something major for me to open my eyes, I feel that I am a completely changed person now. I'm no longer afraid to tell people the way I feel. I'm no longer afraid to make myself vulnerable. It may hurt, but I believe it is worth it. Out of all the things I figured out over the last few days....I will give everyone one big piece of advice: Never let a day go by where you don't tell the person that you love how much they mean to you. It may seem hard to open yourself up...but trust me...you may never get a second chance. Life is too short to put things off until tomorrow. Suck up your pride and say what you need to say before the opportunity slips through your fingers. Believe me, nothing hurts more than knowing you missed your chance. I hope that no one makes the same mistakes that I did.

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How can i just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When i stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
When all i can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what i've got to face

I wish i could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much i need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all i can do and that's what i've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos i'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance i've gotta take

Take a look at me now

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*Sigh* Another weekend seems to have come and went. I hung out with my friends a lot these past few days. I will admit....I did have fun. I always do. My friends are the best. However, this weekend marks a very important point in my life. I realized this weekend how much I miss Christine....I mean truly miss her. All of those times in the past I could fully enjoy myself....and come home to her call. Now...there is just emptyness. I realize some people may think it's just because I don't have a girlfriend to talk to.....well that isn't the case at all. It's not that I don't have a girlfriend. It's that I don't have Christine. She was my life....and no matter how much time passes...I will always be thinking about her. The fact that we are still friends makes me happy......but it's just not the same. I want to be the one she says good night to. I want to be the one who wakes up with her in my arms. I want to be her everything.....the way she is for me. (I'm sorry Christine if this upsets you.....I just need to type my feelings somewhere)

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Did you ever notice when you are not with the person that you love....you start to notice all the little things that you once took for granted. Everything that I used to think would always be there is gone now. And you know what makes this even harder? The fact that everything I see and hear reminds me of her. My room is still filled with pieces of our memories. Photos, a painting, a stuffed animal, a present, even her bag of sleepover clothes. I can't bring myself to take any of that stuff down. To me, that would be like losing hope....and right now...hope is the only thing keeping me from sinking completely. This morning I got online to check myspace. The main reason I even go to that site anymore is to check out new bands. I often get random messages from bands asking me to check them out. Well today...this random band sends me one of these messages....so I figure what the hell....it's nothing out of the ordinary. The band is called Without Tomorrow and the first song on their page is "I Wanted To" After listening to this song....I almost lost control of myself. It almost perfectly puts into words the way I'm feeling right now....of course a random band that I have never heard of before will have a song that hits me right in the face....what are the chances??? For anyone who wishes to check it out, go here: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=3090769


If that doesn't work....just run a search on "Without Tomorrow" on myspace. Just listen to the song and you'll understand what I mean. Anyway, I've been doing a lot of reminiscing lately. I know it's probably not the best thing for me, but I can't help it. I was looking back at all of the messages we sent to each other in my myspace inbox when I came across this one message from way back before we even started dating. The message was just a bunch of random questions that I asked her in an attempt to get to know her better. Well guess what? One of the questions I asked over a year and a half ago was: do you agree with this statement: "getting hurt again is better than not giving somebody a second chance" why or why not? If that question doesn't seem weird enough based on the situation we are in now.....her answer was this: yes becuase if i didnt give them a 2nd chance i would always wonder what if.


All I can say is....I just keep wishing she still has those feelings....

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I fucked up....completely. I had every opportunity to open myself up and tell the girl I love how much she means to me. And what did I do??? I always kept silent...or made some stupid joke to hide my feelings. Now there is a chance I will never get her back. I think I may have let the greatest thing that has ever happend to me slip through my fingers. I am a complete and total mess without her. Not a minute goes by where I am not thinking about her and wishing she would give me another chance. I know I can change. I know things will be different this time. I've always held the belief that you should never give up on the person that you love.....and I don't plan to. I don't care if she doesn't believe me or if she thinks it's too late......I will do everything in my power to show her how much I love her and that I would give anything in the world for just one more shot. Deep down I think she is still in love with me too. I hope and pray that she realizes it and she comes back to me before another guy finds out what a moron I am and snatches her up. This is the biggest mistake of my life....and I will NEVER forgive myself if I don't get one more chance with her. I'm sorry Christine...I really am.

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