I pretty much got like halfway fired from my job today. Yay!

(I do two jobs at work: Man the front desk, and work in the Human Resources department.)

I'm getting replaced for the HR position now.

Why?

Because I've been screwing up most of my projects for the last month and a half. The director was like, "You've made a ton of mistakes on these and I have to go back and check all of them to be sure it's right, and that just defeats the purpose of having someone else do this stuff." So he's gonna replace me. Thank God. He wanted to know why I suck at my job that I used to be a total freaking rockstar at. All I can offer him is this... I'm on like four different medications that ALL make my brain a total fog and keep me from being as sharp as I could be. Which sucks. Screw you, major pharmaceuticals.

Like, he used to brag to everyone about how quickly I caught on to stuff and got everything done. Now he's having to ask me what the heck is wrong with me.

I WANT OFF THE MEDS ALREADY.

Like, every time I went to therapy, my counselor would be like, "Okay, what did you do this week?" and I'd have to check my planner just to remember what I did. I can't remember anything worth crap. So I'm a clueless mess these days. HA and I plan on going to college. What a joke. This sucks. I've lost my marbles in an attempt to just manage those marbles.

Aaaaaand I'm working a 9-1/2 hour shift today. Party hardy. My mom was supposed to bring me food like an hour ago, but you know what she did instead? She took a nap. WTF.

:(

Ok, I'm done complaining. One bright side note thingie is that knitting is fun and I've made a lot of progress on this scarf I'm making.

Another sad note, though. A resident at work died this weekend. :( He was one of my favorites ever. He had dementia so he was freaking hilarious. WAHHHH.

I swear, my job is depressing lately. People keep dying.

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I hate religion.

It's stupid. It's sick. It's wrong.

I grew up in church. I still live in a home full of church. Is my home filled with love and helpful hands and feet, then?

Nope.

It's a home filled with tension and stress.

I refuse to associate with being a religious person. All I am is a person. I'm interested in religious stuff, sure. World religions are fascinating. I even almost went to a Bible school to become a music leader for a church. (Now I'm going to go to a school [for free!] to study horticulture and/or wildlife ecology and preservation.) But a lot has changed.

I mean, my brain broke, for instance. OK, it's always been broken, but this last year it really fell apart even more. You know it's a broken brain when it's trying to get you killed.
And the whole time I'm trying to go to a Christian school to be a minister, my family is telling me that I can't and it's a sin.
And then people find out I don't work right in the head. So they tell me to keep my chin up, that they're praying for me, and that God's the great healer.

The entire time I'm just thinking, "You're full of shit."

And I'm right. Everyone is full of it.

Call me bitter, but organized western religion hasn't really done right to me. Or to anyone. I'm sure Joel Olsteen would disagree, but he's on the stick that's rich and has a GREAT smile, and is probably faking it with all that prosperity bs.
Churches suck. Most of them are pointless and destroying the entire purpose of the Bible. Francis Chan (I hate religion and church, but I love this guy.) said one time that Christians are like crap. Spread out, it fertilizes the ground. In concentrated groups and piles, we just smell bad.

Think about church meetings at your average little midwestern church. What do they manage to get done? They sing and talk about verses. That's it. When was the last time they actually DID something good?

I mean, look at Jesus. He actually did stuff. The dude talked a good talk, (a REALLY good talk. That shit's legit.) but his walk was way cooler. Healing people, helping the poor and grieving. What do Christians do? They gripe and complain about their rights getting taken away and look down their noses at anyone different. I'm so done with this scene.

So what am I?

I'm a person. I believe stuff. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe in the Bible.

But I also believe in freedom. I'm not going to tell you who or how to marry. I'm not going to tell you what you can drink. I'm not even going to tell you what you're allowed to put in your pipe. Or how to damage your skin. (How is tanning any different from tattooing? It's all scars in the end.) Or what to listen to. Or how to talk. Or dress. Or feel. Or think. You have a brain. God made you with the capability to make choices for a reason. It's fully within your rights to use your brain. In fact, it's even encouraged.

I don't read my Bible because I'm going to burn in hell if I don't. I read it because it's intriguing and full of wise words. I read it because I hope to actually know God someday. I don't read it in hopes of oppressing those that already feel oppressed by life.

I don't pray because I hope it changes your mind. I pray because it's like meditation for me. It connects me to the higher Being.

I don't go to yoga because I need to align my chakras and shave my head. I go because it relaxes me and helps me clear my head. (The chakra part is just an added plus.)

What I'm trying to say is, I don't fit in with "Christians." I don't fit in anywhere. I'm just an awkward vegan hippie trying to do some good and find some purpose. I don't have all the answers. I don't vote republican. I don't vote democrat. (LIBERTARIAN, FTW.) I don't get half price milkshakes with friends, or try the new bacon flavored whatever. I don't litter. I don't always have a relentless smile on my face. I won't tell you you're in my prayers if I don't actually mean it. I mess up a lot. I'm a really forgetful jerk most of the time. I cuss way more than any Mary Kay representative should. I smoke sometimes. I'm scared to try out going to the hookah bar. (My friend knocked over the bowl one time and accidentally laid on the burning tobacco. Her shorts are ruined and her back looks scary. THE DANGER IS REAL.) I'm also scared to look at my garden because it's probably ripe with failure. I don't play guitar anymore because I don't feel good enough. (Don't worry. I'll pick it up once my acrylic nails fall off.) I don't draw much anymore either since I'm pretty sure I used up all that talent.

What on earth do I actually do?

I'm not sure yet... But I grow really good lettuce. I love some pretty cool people. I knit some ugly stuff. I have a gym membership I barely use except to go to yoga classes. I sleep any chance I can get. I go get my brain adjusted once a month. I talk to a certified girl once a week about my feelings and learn how to actually prioritize my sanity. I spend my paycheck way too fast and mostly on food. I help anyone I can at work. Unless they want me to come in early. Then I weasel out of it. I hope to own my own nursery, or work as an environmental preservation-person, even though science and biology are NOT my strong suits. At all. I got a 25 on the ACT, but that was only because my english and reading scores were phenomenal. Science and math were cringe-worthy. I ramble a lot. I get mad easily when people are doing hurtful things. (DON'T LITTER!!!!!!!!! OR EAT AT CHICFILA!!!!!!!!!!!!!) But I don't get mad at you for disagreeing. For pete's sake, I'm dating a pentecostal bacon lover that pretty much IS Dave Ramsey when it comes to his money. We are polar opposites. He doesn't even like Doctor Who. But I love him to death.

On a side note, does anyone know of any farm sanctuaries in the midwest? Just wondering. :)

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Yoga is the best thing ever.

EVER.

I'm so serious right now.
I went to a class last night and it was the most calming experience of my life. Went in stressed out and worried, came out relaxed and put-together. This is going to become my life.

Also, spotify is a butt.

And knitting is really fun. I'm making lacy-style cowl scarves right now. Gonna give them to my boyfriend's immediate female relatives. :)

I made this really good barley casserole tonight. SERIOUSLY so simple and delicious. I'll be making it a lot in the cold weather, I can just tell. But since it's summertime and all, I'll be enjoying fruit more for now. YUM! Cantaloupe and watermelon!

What's everyone been up to? I haven't been on here in a couple weeks it feels like. (Yoda sentence.)

And I can't be the only one that's never quite sure how to comment back to someone. Like, I feel like if I comment on your posts to reply, it's weird and broken... but if I comment on my own post it will never be seen. Haha. But, then again it's me. I'm never sure of myself. The only thing I'm sure of right now is that my garden is probably dying and I love yoga.

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Guys, I'm going whole foods plant based diet.

I'm really excited to actually help my body heal itself. (I was in a car accident at the end of May so I've been pretty beat up since then.)

Seriously looking forward to feeling better after the detox period.

"I will have the spaghetti. With a side salad. If the salad is on top, I send it back." -Michael Scott

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