so now no worries ahead....... lemme explain... I just go tback from Florida on monday but really the story starts way before that. A couple of weeks ago my parents had this huge fight....really....it was like they had been drinking for 3 days straight and like they just stopped liking eachother or sumthing..... well anyways my mom decided she was leaving my dad and she took off and my dad stole my sisters car so he could go drink some more well I went up to sac town to clean my parents house up because somewhere in the fight my mom smashed everything. well that whole incident ended and then my parents sobered up and got back to gether like nothing ever happened......but they are still drinking and are doomed to repeat this if they dont stop. well it wouldn't be that bad except I have to move back in with them in June and its like i dont want to live in that enviroment for two reasons.... the first being living in ahouse where my parents constantly fight sucks bad and second: i gave up the party life in august and i dont want to be around it really at all and its like ive grown up but my parents havent.....so anyways i was really stressing out about the whole situation and i went to florida to go talk with some spring breakers about God........I spent like 5 days in Daytona beach jus chillin.......well there all my worries were taken away because i realized that i dont have to follow in my parents path and that i am me my own person.... i left all that crap behind and i dont need to worry about it..... which was amazing and now i jus got my future ahead of me......score!!!!

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so i have one hour left here in sacramento and im so happy. i just got back froma n amazing conference at international house of prayer in kansas city, MO. I Had a great time there but when i got back from the airport I got in the car with my mom and my extremely drunk dad. me and hime exchanged words and i left the house to spend the night at a friends. I know that i love my father with everything in me but i have made the decision that im not putting up with the alcohol anymore...... period

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now i remember why ive stayed single for soooooooo long..... Ok here is the situation. My best friend and my roommate Camille, aka cami, lives like right around the corner. Except she lives with me in the bay but around the corner during break. well anywyas ive been kickin it wit her over break to keep me from getting into trouble, well that and the fact the we get along really well. anywayz i met her brother back in september and like he told me he had this crush on me. well thing is im not trying to have a boyfriend, he's my best friends brother, and i dont like him like that, so i told him that and he said it was cool that we'd just keep it like it has been, a really cool friendship. well i met cami's cousin johnny in november and he likes me too. He's cute but like i said im not trying to get into a relationship. so joel, her brother, called me tonight wanting to kick it and i was like sure whatever and then all of a sudden he was like no "because cami told me not to holla at you and cause johnny is trying to holla at you" and im like "what we cant kick it as friends" People are just so freaking dramatic. i cant stand drama and yet it seems to follow me everywhere, family, school, work, friends. its so....................stupid. well good thing is i get to leave in a couple of hours and i wont have to worry about it for a few days.... hopefully. anyways im kinda upset cause i didnt get to see cami tonight before i leave and its all because my sister begged me to go to a hooka bar with her just to "see it", needless to say i ended up sitting in my car for a half an hour while my sister, my cousin , and my sisters boyfriend smoked. retarded i know. I mean here i am trying to actually do something with my life besides sit around and drink and smoke and be a ho which is exactly what i used to do, and now its the hardest thing to not do it. and its not because of my friends influence, cause honestly i dont kick it with those people anymore, sidenote: i tried to kick it with an old friend that i havent seen since like highschool but he is to occupied to remember to call me back. anyways i know that im not going to drink or smoke or be a ho ever again because the consequences far outweigh the rewards (I might add there are very few of them if any) but its hard to go against what your body is saying. I mean its like my minds tellin me no..... but my body, my body's telling me yeah........ its so hard to not just give in. well when i did step into the hooka bar just to see what the fuss was about, which was nothing really, i realized something.... That i dont belong. and im not saying that i cant fit in or im not cool or not in the "in" crowd. but rather that my mind thinks differently now. I no longer see smoking as something to jus do for fun, I see it as a spit in God's face. i mean He's brought out of so much, healed me of impossible things, things that if i told you you'd think i was absolutely insane, He's delivered me from feelings of self hatred and suicide which i felt after something horrible happened to me. He looked at me and i ravished his eyes and His face turned toward me not in disgust, which i deserved, but in love. I mean he Chose me. I really dont know why tho, i mean im intelligent but definately not the brightest crayon in the box, im not really that beautiful, im lazy and im a screwup. I guess..........well actually i just dont know..... but i do know this, ill be damned if i ever go back to my party lifestyle of before. there is nothing there for me but rape and death..... literally

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well things have "gone back to normal" and its bleh..... you know when people put those masks on to hide everything from the world instead of jusst facing their problems head on-------------------->>>>>>>>>>>>MY FAMILY!!!!!!! but i guess thats how it goes huh.... im never going to do that in my life... sure i mean ive learned that facing your problems is definately harder then hiding them (or at least convincing yourself that your problems are hidden even tho everyone can see right through you), But you are so much happier in the run.... even to admit you have a problem takes this huge bolder off your chest because hey.... all of a sudden you don't have to be perfect anymore.... its funny that way huh.... how most spend their whole lives trying to be someone they aren't just to be who they "are"..... instead of just being..... its like we live to lie.... but then dont understand how when or house built of bricks wont stand on our paper and glue foundations..... you ever wonder why so many marraiges fail..... why so many want to commit suicide when its supposed to be the happiest time of year... why so many sit there day in and day out doing the same old thing for a little but of money just to barely survive.... why do so many get stuck and caught up with trying to be their hero, why not be a hero yourself? dont get me wrong its not bad to have people to look up to, but when we do everything including altering our physical appearance to look walk and talk the way they do and why, just to cover up our own messed up little lives and to try to drop our own socail problems only to pick up a whole new set of them...... why not just be...... i dont get it.... i mean the fakeness.... and you know whats funny, i used to be one of those people...... anyways.... wow................... i got really off subject............ well im outta here in 24 hours, im going to the onething conference at International House of Prayer in kansas city before i go back to the bay from where we will kick off this years consumed conference,........ the first one to go nation wide........ its gonna be...... really invigorating and exciting...... even if its just to know that im not doing the same plain boring old job for minimum pay, or even maximum pay cause really im doing this for very little if any monetary value... but anyways i gotta sleep cause i wont be able to tomorrow night..... much love out there for all the support and i hope everyone had an amazing christmas........muah

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well this has been..... a blast..... if im not arguing with my sister than im seeing my parents high or drunk.... and any normal person would be fine with it.... but no not i said the kat..... im sick of the same thing..... all my life i've lived with this..... seen my parents go through divorce, remarry each other and then contemplate divorce for the next ten years..... ive seen my dad on his death bed multiple times and walked in a hospital only to walk out convinced that was the last time i'd ever see him again.... watched him as he drank himself to almost death then got a second chance through a liver transpant only to continue to drink again..... I've watch my sister run down the path to utter destruction seeing her sleep with her boyfriends and then have her heart broken over and over again and then turning to drugs or alcohol or "hooka" and then try to convince me that she is fine and calls me the bitch because i wont drink or smoke or even be around it anymore...... and im fed up..... Im 20 years old and i dont need to take it anymore....but i just dont know...... i mean i want to be a part of my family but i dont want the crap.... ugh i just dont know..... I think im gonna go consult my BIBLE............ im gone

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Yeah im so sick of love songs.... so tired of tears.....man anywayz i got that song stuck in my head and it wont leave.....im excited i go to break in like 5 days and i get to kick it... I cant wait..... but i can wait to go to my house..... I cant stand my home life..... and now that i found out that my parents were drinking again i jus dont even want to go there......oh well ill just kick it with cami the whole time before i go to tho onething conference in kansas city except for of course christmas day..... maybe my parents wont drink this christmas..... sigh.... and i told them that i would leave if they drink when im home but they didnt take me seriously...... Well anywayz..... there is this car game i played last night and it was fun..... oh well gotta go for now i gotta go flyer blitz..... hmmmmm....... ill make it a fun thing to do i guess...................

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