Let's start off with last night around 3 AM. I was talking to Kyle, and after a lot of circles and annoyance, I discovered the reason he was trying to push me away was 'cause he doesn't think he'd be a good boyfriend. So he was hurting me to save me... or something of that nature. Aw.. I think..?

I reassured him that wasn't true, and that I really don't care because I like him either way, etc, etc (I was going to mention that, after Michael, a convict would be a better boyfriend -- but then I thought about Dilated's 'never mention your ex' advice and decided against it). He started acting like his old self again.. for a while.

Then, I got home so I signed on AIM, and suddenly he's being a dick again. Well, not really a dick per se, but saying as little as possible, and acting like he's pissed or annoyed or something. I don't think that "bad boyfriend" shit was the whole reason. Anyways, it's getting pretty old, his new attitude. Sooner or later I'm just going to give up on him -- but who knows, maybe that's what he wants.

I was talking to Zander for a good portion of the day today via Myspace. He asked if I wanted to hang but I've got shit to do for the next two days, so I told him that on Thursday I might be hanging with Danny so maybe we could all chill. He was like, "Yeah, that's cool," and told me how Danny threatened him should he touch me (apparently Zander is quite the player). From that point, the conversation went like this:

Me: hahah. yeah. hes really protective over me.
which is good in a way, cos a guy can never get away w fuckin w me. but its bad cos sometimes he can scare them off..
ah well. i dont want to date a pansy anyways xp
Zander: ohh im not scared of fezzie boo
besides it would be between you and me wouldn't it?
muahaha ;D
Me: already planning something even though we havent really even met? hah. what makes you so sure i'd go for that?
Zander: i sad it WOULD be between us if it got to that
not making plans
but you are awfully cute though ;]
Me: ooh slick wording there. ;]
though, after my last fucktard of a bf, i'm pretty sick of guys. youd have to be something pretty amazing to get me to even bat an eye.
still wanna hang? x]
Zander: yessssssss
and even soo, im up for the challenge
i just may be what you mean
Me: or you could just be another cocky kid who's not used to being told no.
youll find i'm very judgementally harsh.
but i'm not going to jump to any conclusions, so as of you still have room to prove yourself otherwise x]
Zander: im used to no actually... lol
but its not the point, you'll just have to see for yourself!
hahaha <3
Me: that i will. x]

Call me a bitch, but I plan on leading him on as far as it takes for him to get cocky enough to think he's got me in the bag, then spin around and slap him with reality. I don't like guys who treat chicks like items, and if everything I've heard about him is true, then he's one of those guys. So it'll be fun.

As for my haircut, I'm happy with the length. But she gave me some retarded bangs. It'll look better once the bangs grow out a little. I don't have any good pictures, so you'll have to settle for this really gross-looking one 'cause it's the only one I've got. Though my hair is all over the place so that's not even really how it looks... I'll get you a better one tomorrow.



For dinner we went to this Fondue restaurant called the Melting Pot. I really don't know why, my dad just sprung it on me when I got home from my friend's. I think he did it to impress his new girltoy. I couldn't complain though, fondue is delicious. Then our waitress gave me a doggybag filled with their complementary mints 'cause she heard me talking about how much I loved them. I was like, fuck yeah -- tipped her good.

Anyways, here are a couple pictures from today. There were a million more but not worth uploading, so be happy with those.

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I'd just like to say three things -- what the fuck. This just happened on AIM.

Me: have you & your cousin been drinking again? xp
Kyle: no....sadly
Me: ah, so youre just naturally psychotic
Kyle: cause then id have an excuse to be a dick, but ill just be one anyway
Me: actually youre quite the opposite when youre drunk
Kyle: damn u
Me: rofl
Me: why are you so driven to make yourself look like a dick?
Kyle: casue i wanna be hated by someone right now?
Me: why?
Kyle: dunno
Me: so. basically. you want to push me away just cos?
Kyle: guess so
Me: lovely
Kyle: yup

Okay. I think I give up on guys. You think they're one thing, then they're something else. It's so ridiculous.

Can't anyone just be real anymore? Anyone?!

Fuck -- the reason I liked Kyle so much to begin with is 'cause he's always been very real with me. Not one to use lines, or even say anything trying to impress -- none of that. So if for whatever reason he doesn't want to talk to me anymore or whatever the fuck he's trying to accomplish, why does he have to go about doing it like that?

Eh?!

On another note, I've been talking to this guy, Zander, a lot. We, apparently, met at the mall one time. I don't remember this, but whatever, he's a friend of Danny's though, so I'll probably end up hanging out with him soon enough. He asked me if I wanted to hang, but I'm stuck doing shit all day for the next two days, so it'll have to be sometime after that. I'm not jumping at anything though -- I'm sick of guys. So even if he is the most amazing thing I've ever met, he's going to have to do a helluva lot to get me to even bat an eye at him. Otherwise, he's forevermore going to be an amazing friend.

Ah, haircut tomorrow, still don't know what I'm doing to it. I think I'm going to just tell her to have fun with my head and hope it comes out decent. Whatever, hair is hair is dead cells, it'll grow back. I'll provide you all with pictures afterwards.

Danny is asking for my address and which bus gets me from his house to mine, so I think he's planning something. But that also means he's going to try getting into my pants again. I know I probably shouldn't have gone to 2nd with him 'cause now he really doesn't hear no. But eh, I didn't see any harm in it at the time.

Anyways, I don't have much to say so you can expect an update tomorrow.

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My cousin Monica came down from Orlando today. She showed up just as I got out of the shower... so I threw on shoes and left the house. Finally, somewhere other than my house and/or neighborhood.

We picked up Sage and Damien. Sage got dreads. Damien's mohawk looked like someone sneezed into his hair 'cause the lime green was fading into a yellowish-greenish color. Hahah, he wouldn't take off his beanie.

Monica has a horrible taste in music. She and Sage went to walgreens, Damien and I went through every CD Monica had and the best we could find was Lamb of God. Hardly speed metal, but it was better than The Used. Ech.

We drove around aimlessly. Monica got scared of a pigeon. I laughed at her. We eventually went to the beach. A million other people were there. Ate and fucked around.

Damien drove me home.

My dad isn't coming home tonight -- or any night, for that matter. I couldn't take it anymore.

I'm kidding, but what was going through your head when you read that? I couldn't resist.

He's really not coming home tonight though. He left town with his new girltoy. I'm not sure when exactly he's coming back, but I know for certain it's not tonight. So Travis is sleeping over, Mark and Zach are probably going to meet up with us later. Depending on when he says he's coming back, we're planning on having some sort of, eh.. "party" if you could call it that.

I can't stop thinking about Kyle. I'm daydreaming about the first time we see each other once he gets back. But then I talk to him, and it's just so frustrating 'cause he just won't talk back. I'll say something real, perhaps talking about my views on something or of that relative nature, and all he'll say back is, "O...k." I said something about my never having really loved Michael but the idea of Michael 'cause I loved the Michael that loved me back -- not the Michael that treated me like shit. And the shit one was apparently the true one, so that being said, I never loved the true Michael. Get it? Yeah. I said that (not those exact words, but eh) and all he said was "O...k." He says that too much. It's really annoying.

I don't think he realized I got annoyed. If he did, he didn't bother to take notice. I said something along the lines of, "I'm going to go do... something. Something else." and left. He didn't say anything back.

I don't know what's up with him lately. I wish I could talk to him right now, but I have no way of contacting him at the moment. Maybe I'll call him tomorrow. I don't know.

My head is still fumbled. Ech. At least I wasn't as miserable as usual today. But as soon as I get home, it all comes rushing back. I think this place is cursed.

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In all honesty, I think there might be something wrong with me. Mentally or something. I've never been so entirely miserable before. I mean, I've been more upset, but day-to-day with nothing particular to be immensely upset about (like a death or a breakup or something), I have never been this generally miserable. I don't know if I'd go so far as depression, but I really don't know what to think.

Everyone in my house left earlier without saying anything to me. I just shrugged it off and went to watch something on Tivo. When it was over and it asked me if I wanted to delete it, I did, and turned off the TV. It was around 8pm, so nobody had bothered to turn on any lights in the house just yet. I just sat there, on the couch, entirely alone, in the dark, and I thought: my life is just one big, pathetic cliche. Then -- it just wouldn't be a cliche without it -- I cried. Only a little, no huge emotional breakdown, but still enough to make me come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me.

I walked to my room, curled up under my inappropriately colorful blankets (I was thinking a nice grey or black blanket would fit the cliche more -- unless it's an ironic cliche we're going for, in which case, my blankets are right on que) and looked at my phone. I realize that not one person tried to contact me all day. Not one friend. Not one relative. Not even a telemarketer sent by some sort of god with a twisted sense of humor. Nobody.

At that moment I realized how codependent I really am. I don't think humans are meant to be alone. I mean, I can live without a significant other no problem, but to not have anyone at all? I can't do that. I really can't.

So now, all I do is sulk and wish that, while I'm laying alone trying to preoccupy myself with mindless TV, I had someone to talk to. Yet I won't bother calling anyone -- they're all busy, out, with their lives. Happy. Because they know how to be teenagers, a piece of knowledge that, apparently, I haven't quite picked up on.

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