i am too tired to move on.i am so giving up my life.i live in fear everyday,thinking about how my parents would looked at me.their disappointment in me,their anger in me and their sadness in me.everything.

i am now scared to go home.i don't want to go home.how i wish i could go to a far far away place and have a brand new life.breaking free from it prison of pain.but i can't.i don't have the ability to do that.

and somemore,my parents are pushing me off the edge.their adult game,they pulled me in to be their shields.great,now i am a kid injuried with thousands and thousands of arrows shotted by them,and yet they didn't not even see me bleeding right in front of them.just great.no one to nurse my injuries and yet the injuring did not stop.

i lost my way.

what should i do now?

what can i do now?

i am just a kid,how am i to solve their problems?

its a adults game,i am not even allowed to play

so why am i in the game now??

i was crying hard today in the college.i cried and stopped and cried and stopped.until i could not take it anymore and then i ran to the toilet and cried my heart out.i was in fear, and i was shivering hard.i could not take it anymore.life is just too much for me.i fear everyone,everything.i felt as though my heart break into thousands and thousands of pieces,and they flew as the wind blows,no longer with me anymore.this is how i felt now,emptiness;more emptiness.

what is home now i don't know.i only know i am filled with fear now,and that i am going to break down soon.i am going to go mad soon.i know,because i almost lost my mind just now.i was totally agitated.i am going mad soon.how i wish there is someone to solve their problems before i go mad so that i won't go mad!but i know there will be no help for they hide their matters well behind the doors.no one could hear or sees it unless they were being told about what happened.

and throughout the whole thing,their irresponsibilities and their actions and words landed heavily on me,for i could not tell anyone about it.they disallowed it.and even if i tell and someone tries to help me by talking to them,they will just listen and ignore or they would keep denying something like that actually happens.

if the person really believes what i said,they would chat for a while and when that person is gone,my parents would start blaming things on me and give me that look filled with hatred.

i realised something long long time ago:that i no longer holds the value i used to hold.i am now a tool,instead of a child.and since the day they start pulling me into their fights,i should have face this fact.but i could not.how can a 17 year old girl face the fact that the parents she loved and respected the most no matter what happens would actually treats her as a tool now when they used to treat her as a princess?

how cruel can life be... ...

my love was betrayed.

my trust too, was betrayed.

but that 2 people that are most reliable in the whole wide world.

so what is the great deal about talking to your parents about your problems,

when your parents no longer sees you?

they denied your existence.

and only see you

when they need a tool

or a shield

in their stupid fight

so what does your parents means to you now?

does they still will be the most important persons in your life?

i know they would be

but

the cruelty have pushed me too far

that

i might lose my sanity soon

i tried to be strong

i have been very strong

if not,

i would have break down years ago

i am losing my grip soon

no longer has the energy to hold on

and when i fall,

i wont know

what will

become

of

me...

Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: my life [t]

more reasons i should not be around:my mother is totally disappointed in me.and that i am a useless little girl.

Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: my life [t]

i purposely feed my dogs late at night today, so that when i get near them or stay away from them they would just bark as loudly as they could.

i feel so frustrated about everything and i want them to destroy the peaceful night.i hate that silence surrounding me. i want them to bark as loudly as they could, so that the neighbors would be angry with me for destroying their silent night,waking them up from their sweet sweet dreams.i want all those noises to fill my ears and fill my mind.its painful hanging in the air,where u don't know what to do or where to go.i am so stuck in between the good and the bad that i really wish someone could hate me thoroughly.i am so tired of being of good girl,yet i can't bear to be a bad girl.

i wanted the neighbors to yell at me,asking me to shut those dogs up,scolding me for feeding the dogs at night and blaming me for being inconsiderate.but no one did that,except my mum,yet she was the reason i am in pain right now.

why is it that whatever happens between the parents,kids end up the reasons they are unhappy?even though kids are not the fault in the first at all.

it was their games,a father and mother game, a husband and wife game, a two adults game,but why am i always being drag into their stupid game?i am innocent you know,they made use of me to scold other,saying their thoughts using my name.how hard was it to build a good relationship with my parents?everyone tried that before,everyone knew they were always miscommunication between the kids and the parents.but,i was having a nice and sweet relationship with them,and they made use of my name.the persons i trusted most,actually did this to me.it took me so long before everything is so nice now,and they destroy everything.am i just a tool??am i just so worthless to them that they can sacrifice me anytime they like?

i felt pain.who am i to trust now,since i can't even trust my own parents?i am so scared of facing them now,since i don't even know myself what 'i' have told them.they would just look at me with disappointment,that they brought me up,working hard for my life and yet 'my' attitude to them were like that.

home sweet home?i only have fear in my home right now.i don't their disappointment in me,and i fear their eyes and words right now.who said home is sweet,its painful to me.why can't they see that i am bleeding hard?why can't they see that their actions are knives stabbed into me.why can't they see that i am too tired to move on??why??

was it because i hide too well??or was it because they never care about that in the first place.was it because i have already become a tool since the day they were unahppy about each other,only that i did not realise? who can tell me why?this is miserable.how i wish i could just walk away,find another new house and live on my own,free from them.but i don't have the ability.

am i really just a tool to them?how am i to trust anymore?people have parents to support and comfort them when they fell down.but what about me?they are the reason i fell.so where can i find another parents that can hug me tight and tell me i will be ok soon,and then tuck me in to sleep.WHERE?where,when my own parents already are treating me like this......

Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: my life [t]

so long didn't update my blog already,i am back to update a little about myself.

i have a bump on my forehead because i accidentally knock my head this afternoon.it was painful and a little blur for a few seconds.but now,it is no longer that painful or dizzy.this was caused because of my carelessness:not seeing where i am going...

i had my maths topic test today and it was nowhere near easy.everything was so strange.i mean,yes the teacher might have taught that in class and i might not be listening to him but hey,can't blame me for that!!that teacher was skipping those information as though he was running on water:asking him to stop means he will sink,so cannot stop.he always think that there are some in the book that we have learnt in the secondary schools,so he skipped all that.man!i did not take additional maths in secondary school,and so i am coping hard in his lessons.

a teacher is here because students need him to explain those strange examples and workings in the textbooks.this is what i think.but instead of explaining those workings in the textbook,he gave us a shorter and more complicated working and told us to not follow the textbook.so,great!now who's gonna explain his working to us??he wouldn't do that,for he assumed everyone understood his working.people tried asking him to explain,he explained,but at the same time give comments like 'stupid',''use common senses' and 'low IQ'.

i only like that teacher when he is not teaching,sitting down silently to watch us do our tests,for that's the only time i won't hear his nasty remarks, or feeling tired of searching a topic that he did not teach but want us to do the work, and no more frustrations about his assumptions that what he knows is what everyone knows.

he never thought that if that was the case,we would not have need him in the first place.

what's wrong with asking??what's wrong with forgetting a topic that was taught about a year ago?what's wrong with him?or what's wrong with us?

Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: my life [t]

ling ling ah ling ling...
shouldn't be like this you know.
wo hui xiang ku de la...
remember those school days where we all three stuck together?
your smiles,your nags,your tears,your joy...
how i wish they can last forever
i miss your smiles
for they are hard to come by
if you still remember those days when you not too close to anyone
there is hardly a smile on your face
no jokes,no pranks,no stupid thoughts
nothing.
i really want your smiles to last
for that's what i have been working hard for
the day i become your friend
i wanted you to smile as much as you can
i don't want that loneliness in your eyes
nor the wall that lock you up inside
i worked so hard for that
please don't let it die
i know it's hard for me to go on and on
and not understanding how you feel inside
your fear, and your loneliness
i know it's hard to overcome them
yin wei you hen duo de bu ken ding
you don't want to risk your luck
but really,
you tasted the sweetness of friendship
so rather than stopping there
go look for a sweeter friendship

if i am a boy,ni yi ding hui ai shang wo de ba
imagine how romantic it is
the boy who's willing to work hard
for that smile on your face...haha
(but then,i'll still need that cool boy look
for that kind of cool cool actions ba)
hahahaha

ling ling,
leave a comment if you have read this.

Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: my life [t]

i am off the edge,
but no one noticed... ...

they hear my laughter,
but not my tears.
they see my mask
that hides my fears.

i wanted to cry,
but its a pain tears can't relief
and soon, i've learnt to hide
far far away from that bleeding heart.

i've learnt to live like wind
constantly moving on and on
for without interaction,
there will be no pain

no one would create misery for themselves
for i know i don't want a life in misery
so without the others
there will be no pain in me

a wishful thought
a native mind
but i am getting used to the loneliness
in this fast-paced life.

they told me to slow down my life
walk with them and not ahead of them
i tried, i stopped and i looked
and i saw once again
a knife of lies stabbed deeply into me

i am a girl
a simple girl who wants a simple life
how i wish i could hug those happy memories
but they seems to vanish the moment they reach me

is this what it's supposed to be?
a life of pain that won't leave me
yet ironically,
its the only thing that wouldn't abandon me

Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: a story i wrote [t]