Have you ever reached a point in your life where you feel like you are being bombarded with things that you don't understand??? I don't know what it is, but that is how I have been feeling lately. College....relationships...work....there are just so many things coming at me right now that I am unable to wrap my mind around. The harder I try to figure stuff out...the less I seem to comprehend. The worst part about it is: The concepts that I am trying to understand are intangible. A right or wrong answer does not exist. It feels like I'm searching for something that I will never find....and that fact is creating an empty feeling deep inside me. I've always been a person to sit back and let life come to me. My motto has always been something along the lines of "live in the present and the future will take care of itself." It's not that I don't believe in this any more....it's just that I'm having trouble taking it one day at a time. Maybe a break from college will help me with the process. Only three more weeks.....


Wow, I sound so depressing these days....let me at least leave you all with something amusing. When I was walking to class today I saw a truck that was obviously supposed to read "preventive maintanence" on the side. However, the "ive" were missing on one side.....so it just read "prevent maintanence." I couldn't stop laughing to myself. It was classic. Imagine if a group of people just drove around in a truck trying to hinder repairs. I'm surprised I never added that to my "It would be funny if...." list. It's perfect.

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What is wrong with me??? I keep taking steps forward, but I can't stop looking back. People keep telling me that what I'm going through is normal....and it isn't that I don't believe them...it's just that it hurts so damn much :(


I'll keep trying to hang in there....I want her to be happy. The thought of her being happy is really the only thing keeping me from total breakdown. I found out today that she is going through some problems as well. I wish I could be there for her. I wish I could drive out and see her right now. I wish she would see me, remember all of the great times and how she used to feel...and just let me back into her heart. But I just know that it's not me anymore that she wants to give her heart too. I just hope she knows that she will always have a piece of mine.


Damn, another day went by and I barely even started this research paper. College is becoming more of a chore these days. I need to keep telling myself that there is less than a month left. Winter break is on its way.....and boy am I ready for it...well...as ready as I'll ever be.

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Damn...I can't believe Thanksgiving Break is almost over already. It seems like it just started yesterday. A lot has happened over the past 4 days. I have pretty much spent the entire break hanging out with a group of my friends. Our activities ranged from poker, hearts, pool, and darts....to video games, scattegories, cranium, and going out to eat. Although the spectrum of righteousness was vast, the majority of the time was spent in my basement. There were so many different people at my house today...it was ridiculous. At some points...there were actually 11 people in my basement. Let's see....all of the following people were at my house for at least part of the day (not necessarily at the same time): Me, Brett, Nick, Casey, Keith, Meghan, Niki, Scott, Danny, Andrea, Paul, CJ, Antonio....yes...I think that's it.....13 people. I had a lot of fun today. Probably the most fun I could have had without leaving the house (considering my overall mental state). Times like these make me wish that winter break was here.......


I realized something tonight. I am never going to forget her. I have developed the ability to cover up how I feel. I don't want my friends to see. Most of them already know anyway....As soon as everyone leaves and I get a chance to reflect on the day....my mind slips back into its old habits. I wish I could call her and tell her about my day. I wish she was here with us. Watching some of my other friends interact with their significant others only makes things worse. I try to keep telling myself that this feeling will pass....that I will make it through this. I do believe that I will....and that some day...these memories that are causing me so much pain will be distant. However, they will NEVER be forgotten. The time that we spent together will never be lost....there are so many moments that I wish I could travel back to....there are times that I wish I could just revisit...instances that I could live in forever. She was the best thing that has ever happened to me....even now that she is gone. I'm trying my best to move forward....and if moving forward calls for looking back at the past and smiling every now and again....then that is what I'm going to do. No matter what the future holds for the two of us....she will always be my first love. I hope she is having a good vacatation. I'd like to think to myself that she is happy. It makes me smile.


I guess the only thing left for me to do is get some sleep. It is almost 1:00am here and I need to spend some time on my insanely long research paper tomorrow. 7-10 pages my ass. I'm about to call my teacher up and ask for her to change it to about 7-10 sentences. It seems like a more reasonable assignment. What the hell...I'd even spring for a page or two. Does anyone else hate research papers??? cuz damn.......

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So today I went to my grandparent's house....like I do for every Thanksgiving. To me, holidays like this are always a mixed bag. My family is extremely loud and outgoing (I guess the apple never falls far from the loud and outgoing forest). They get into yelling matches over the dumbest shit. My mom and aunt actually had a loud debate over who was a better singer....kelly clarkson or carrie underwood? I'll settle this debate.....who gives a flying fuck??? Ha....seriously though...it was just kind of amusing. I've gotten so used to my family...all of the yelling is second nature to me. I know they all love each other...they just don't know how to show it. They are how I used to be....and I'm glad I can finally say "used to be." Oh well....there were still some highlights of the day. I played scrabble with my mother and my grandmother...and not to tute my own horn...but I pretty much crushed them. I added the letters "ty" to "six" and got a triple word score....and I was like..."damn, see how i did that???" After that, I just kind of sat around and watched the football games until dinner...listening to all of the different arguments/discussions that were going on around me. Don't get me wrong...I love my family...they have always been there for me...and I really appreciate that....it's just that they are a unique bunch of people. I will say that dinner was delicious. Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, corn, ham, gravy....everything was there. And for dessert...carvel ice cream cake. Ever had it??? If not, go out and buy one immediately. The night started to wind down with a bunch of us playing this game called michigan rummy. It is a card game that is literally 100 percent luck.....which as much as I hate to say it....usually means I never win. Tonight of course was no different. I ended up losing three bucks by the time everything was said and done. All games and family aside....this thanksgiving was really lonely for me. Despite being surrounded by tons of noise...I got lost in my own thoughts. I wish she was there to talk to. I wish she would call and tell me that I have no reason to feel alone. It's ok...I will fight through this. Holidays just have a way of bringing out the sadness in people when the person they care most about isn't around. Oh well....life goes on.

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Today...I told her that I couldn't be just friends....at least not now. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I am still completely in love with her....and I'd give up everything just for a second chance....but she has made her decision....and I have no choice but to move on in my life...no matter how painful it may be. She wanted us to stay good friends......and I don't think I can do that...not for awhile. Every time I see or even talk to her....it hurts me. I want to take her in my arms and tell her everything will be ok...and that she will always have me by her side...forever and for always.......but I can't do that. That isn't what she wants....and I need to respect her choice. I'll always keep that small piece of hope...tucked away deep inside......the hope that one day she'll give me a call and say she wants to give us another shot......but that hope is dim. I'm only torturing myself by hanging onto it. All I can do now is hope that she will find happiness in her life. After all...that's all I ever wanted....even if I can't be the guy to give it to her. I hope she forgives me for all of my mistakes....I know I forgive her for all of hers......I just wish she would have tried a little harder...and not given up on me so soon. Now is the time where I take another step back and take a long hard look at my life....at my future. The only problem I still have is that when I look to my future.....I can't picture one without her in it. The only thing left to do now is press on....despite the tears....despite the pain....life is hard sometimes...and all I can do is keep living....who knows what tomorrow will bring?

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Ok...so nothing has changed about the breakthrough I wrote about the other day. I've just been doing some thinking lately about the idea of "love." The most obvious question to me is....what is it? Well over the past three weeks...I believe I have come up with a list of all the things love is...here's what I have so far:



LOVE IS.....

*not being afraid to make yourself completely vulnerable

*never letting that special someone out of your thoughts...even when they are not around

*waking up at 2 in the morning and driving 40 minutes...just so you can spend the "night" with them

*doing something that scares you out of your mind...just because you know it will make them happy

*driving them to the dentist and spending all day with them when they have their wisdom teeth removed

*writing them letters every other week because you know it makes them happy

*not wanting to go on vacation if they can't be by your side the entire time

*planning a cabin get-away in the winter because you would like nothing more than to spend three nights with them sitting by the fire

*constantly telling them that they mean the world to you...even if they are too scared to say it in return

*going out of your way just so you can wake up in their arms the following morning

*telling your friends it's time to go home because you want to spend the rest of the night with them

*not being afraid to admit when you made mistakes

*wanting nothing more than to make up for those mistakes

*making it through the tough times....because the good times are worth the bad

*feeling like there is no place you'd rather be than lying next to them

*being able to sit around the house all day....and not getting bored...just because you are in their company

*not caring about how much something costs....love is worth any price

*uprooting your life and moving to a different state just to be with them

*always being honest...you always call when you say you are going to

*losing control of your emotions sometimes

*being a shoulder to cry on...even if it is your fault that they are crying

*making personal sacrifices...sometimes you need to hang out with them instead of your friends

*never forgetting why you fell in love in the first place....feelings of love don't go away...they only get covered up

*holding their hand in a haunted house...because you know they are scared

*dropping by their house every day after work...even if it is just to see them for a few minutes

*sharing the same carton of ice cream...and not being mad that they always eat more than you do

*a willingness to change yourself whenever possible...even if it takes awhile to realize

*never saying "it's too late to change the past"....it is NEVER too late

*making them a cd...full of songs that remind you of them

*never giving up on them...even when it feels like all hope is lost

*learning to compromise...everything is not about you

*always giving them a second chance....love is worth the risk of getting hurt again

*always saying "I love you" when you hang up the phone...just in case something happens....they will be the last words you say to each other

*a deep...unending feeling.....not a bunch of quotes and cliches

*wanting the person you love to be happy...even if it means giving them up

*taking off work....just to spend the day with them

*holding on to all the things that remind you of them....even when it is in your best interest to forget

*never making them feel bad about themselves....you need to know when to make jokes and when to be serious

*not being afraid to say "I'm sorry"

*doing the little things that make them happy...like walking around in Ocean City looking for different license plates...even if you may not enjoy it



*last but not least...LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL...it doesn't go away just because you are experiening difficulties....or just because they did something that really upset you




Wow, this list is way bigger than I intended it to be...I'll be the first person to admit that I never did all of the things on this list, but I did try to do most of them. I know it seems like I have some hopelessly romantic view of love...but hey...that's who I am...especially now. The next serious relationship I am in....I plan to bring all of these things to the table....because to me....that's what love is.....

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