Ricky's was fun. We consecutively watched all three LotR movies. Extended version, with all deleted scenes still intact and everything. I ended up staying there for nearly two days.

Here's something I never thought would ever happen: I found myself being slightly fonder of Ian than usual... if you get it. I think it started when Kamille was teasing him about his ex-girlfriends, and he told her to knock it off, to which she said: "I'm just messin', I love making fun of you."

To which he replied: "Then make fun of me, not them."

I was like, woah, not even his girlfriends anymore and he got all defensive like that. Which made me think of this chick from my school, Sam, who happens to be a good friend of Michael's. She hates me because I'm skinny and I hang out with one of the guys she tries to claim as hers (Chris, if I've ever mentioned him), and some other nonlegitimate, catty, immature reasons. Basically, she hates me because of nothing I did.

Anyways, I found out that she often (behind my back, of course) went on rants about me duing school (I'm a stupid whore, I look like a man, etc.) and Michael, being the image-absorbed, everyone-must-like-me fellow that he is, didn't stand up for me. God forbid you stand up for what you believe (assuming he disagreed with the things Sam said..) and people disagree and think less of you! Those are the people you don't want around anyways -- but I don't think Michael thinks past "I hope she likes me."

(Speaking of Sam, I stumbled across one of those "how well do your friends know you" quizzes of hers, and one of the questions was, "Who do I hate more than anyone?" I was the first choice. "A: Jes." Now, I may not have been the answer, but it amuses me that I was the first choice.)

(Side note- my cellphone just rang. Guess who. Yep, Zander!)

Back to the point- Ian, very.. honorable, I guess you can say. Then, we were laying next to each other on the couch, and he told me I could lay on him if I wanted to stretch out. I took him up on that, then he started like.. rubbing my head. That sounds weird, but in the idle tender way, not as though he were trying to see the future (which wouldn't work because, despite Dilated's good advice, I'm not bald). I don't think he knows that can put me to sleep, hahah. But I didn't sleep, because throughtout the movies, he would make me laugh (something that never failed was when he and Andrew, after one of the Uruk Hai battle calls, started mocking it as a Wookie -- they sound surprisingly familiar), and he would occasionally randomly poke me to make sure I was alive.

Then, afterwards, around 3am, he took me outside and was showing me this super amazing green lazer that shone perfectly clear on buildings nearly a mile or more away. I was in awe. I want one!

I knew nothing was going to happen, of course, for many reasons. One being I met him through my sister, so I'm probably nothing more than "Amanda's baby sister" or perhaps "Little Cesario" (brought to you by some chick in my sister's grade) in his eyes. If it was any other guy, I probably would've hinted more than just curling into him during 12 hours of movie, but I knew I was probably more like a pet to him than a girlfriend-type-person.

Anyways, I don't like him. I think I just.. idolize him, as a way a guy should be... or something of that relative nature. That and I think I'm looking for someone to pull me away from Kyle, not to mention I had been laying with him for hours straight and we were both sleeping over Ricky's, so... yeah. I guess I just wanted to feel like I had someone, you know? Because of this whole recent lonely shit I've been feeling.. and such.

But if I get too alone, I always have Zander. ";D"

It had to be done. Don't kill me! I'm kidding. Or am I...? Bwahahah-choke-.

Ah, everyone, I think I'm trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. The thoughts leading to this conclusion are still a bit splayed and piecey, so I'll get back to you on that one.

PS; this is just cruel. That child will be scarred for the remainder of his drug-indused days.

(To those who commented this blog already: I didn't delete your comments, I accidentally deleted the blog and had to put it up again. Sorry about that.)

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I didn't do anything particularly special today, just hung around.

Tomorrow I'm leaving to Ricky's around 11 in the morning and staying the night there with Andrew, Ian, and some other kids that are invited. Ricky's rich with a huge, nice house -- so pretty much anyone can come. I'm taking advantage of this...

-Cough-

Anyways. It makes me laugh, because since Michael and I have broken up, there have been three or four opportunities for us to have done a sleepover thing. We always wanted to sleep together, just 'cause we'd always stay up to crazy hours of the night on the phone until one of us (usually him) fell asleep on the phone, and we'd always be all, "I wish you were here," and such. I don't know why, but we always wanted to just fall asleep together. Seems kinda stupid now.. whatever.

So yeah. Zander called me a million times today, so I commented him saying I left my phone at my friend's house and therefore had an excuse as to why I wasn't picking up. Cree-py!

It's so sad though, 'cause he's really cute (he normally doesn't wear glasses though), has an incredibly amazing voice, and the most adorable laugh ever. Not to mention a pretty wicked name. Gone to waste on a psychopath! Tsk tsk.

You know what I've realized lately? Not only are people extremely fake, but they're also extremely hollow. As in, they're "all bark - no bite." People will say something, but they'll never own up to their words. Especially when you go so far as to challenge someone with a "prove it," they merely get all huffy, claim they will, but nothing ever happens. Nothing ever changes. Maybe they think they will, have all intentions to do so, but it just doesn't happen. I'm not sure which is worse: intending to do something and not doing it, or just realizing that even if you intended to do it, it still wouldn't happen, so just never intending to at all.

You know, I feel like I'm wasting away my summer by not having the greatest time of my life every single day, but summer by definition is meant to be wasted -- so really I'm living it to the fullest. But anyways, when you asked someone what they did all summer, they always give you a blank stare and reply with a very dignified, "Uhhmmmerrmmgg... nothin'." anyways, so hell with it.

In the words of my friend Anthony Gecko via AIM: you have a moniter tan too? Secksi.

As far as my internal soundtrack goes, everytime I think about Michael, Sick & Tired by Default plays. Everytime I think about Kyle, Wasting My Time by Default plays. Default is my band of the day. Heh.

Speaking of which, Michael called me last night. I was hoping that he was going to apologize or something, but when I asked why he called, he said he just wanted to talk to me. So I thought maybe he was going to bring it up later. I stayed on the phone, then he said he was going to sleep and he still hadn't said shit to try to clear anything up.

Then, of course, he's all, "I miss you." Yeah, my ass. So I go, "Really?"

"Yes."

"Liar."

"I do."

"Prove it."

"I will."

Which is what originally sparked my earlier "all bite - no bark" rant. That and other things. And that is also what sparked Sick & Tired becoming Michael's song, 'cause I'm just sick and tired of him pulling the same shit: I miss you, I'm over you; I miss you, I'm over you; I miss you, I'm over you.

What it sounds like to me is he misses me being his so I can't like or date anyone else or anything of that sort, but he likes being able to fuck around with whoever he wants whenever he wants (which he already admitted to). So basically, he doesn't want me to be over him but he wants to be over me. What a typical dick.

Guys just suck. In Dilated's words, I really want my Dawson's Creek Kyle back.

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Okay... wow. Let's start off by showing you a myspace message between Zander and I.

Me: hah, youre tryin pretty hard to get me to go & yet we havent even really met technically xp
Zander: i'm open minded
besides, i can tell just by talkin to you that i'm interested....
idk, mabey im just to optomistic, but it seems right...?
Me: it seems right, or it seems like i'm another chick who will fall right into your arms with a couple sweet words?
i'm open minded too but, sugar, you dont know one thing about me. how can it seem right?
Zander: the real reason is that i cant stand stupid girls..
and well, you seem to have it all together ;]
(that was a compliment... lol)
Me: sounds like something you pulled right out of my about me. is this the part where i swoon over the fact we have something in common & blush cos you complimented me?
listen, if youre looking for someone to jump into your pants w a couple cute words, youll do nicely to look the other way. i'm bored with the same average douche pulling the same average shit. i dont really give a shit abt hookups, so dont try to lead me to think you want more if you dont.
Zander: ????
i see where you're coming from.. really... but i'm being honest, and i actually ment that whole smart girl thing, i havent even read your about me...
i'm not a fake here... =[
besides, i like hookups, but thats not what i'm about.... i'm one of those few guys who actually looks at relationships as a good thing....
but i'll let you find that all out, idk if i should tell you over myspace of all places...lol

Well -- he called me today. We were on the phone for a while, then he asked me if I wanted to hang. I said I would (he didn't know either way I wouldn't) but I was going to a friend's house. Which I was, I was hanging out with Phillip. So I called Phillip but he didn't answer, so I told Zander that I'd try him again later. Zander took this as an opening and decided he would stop by.

I'm watching some old videos with my sister and Andrew when someone suddenly knocks on the door. I look through the peephole and it's Zander. I immediately turn to Andrew and Amanda and tell them to shut up -- I sure as hell wasn't going to answer it. Then my phone goes off in my room, but my blinds were open in my window is right next to my front door. I was like, shit. Then I started getting nervous, so I was like grabbing Andrew's hands and clinging to him.

Eventually my dad gets out of the shower, so I told him to go scare Zander off. He did, he answered the door shirtless and everything. It was pretty funny, I wish I could've seen his face though.

Then I had Andrew go close my blinds so I could go in my room. Eventually I answered one of Zander's million calls and told him that I was with my friend and I didn't hear my phone 'cause we were blasting music.

After a lot of bullshit, I eventually got him to give up trying to hang out with me. But, that was fuckin' creepy as hell. Eep.

Okay, so, I was creeped out so I decided to call Kyle 'cause he can usually calm me down pretty well. I explain what happened and he's all, "Well... I can't do anything from Colorado." I was like, "No shit, I just wanted someone to talk to," in my head I was like, actually you can, but you're too dick to realize it. Then we were just talking, to which all of his answers were, "yeah" and "mhm". So finally I was like, "Would you say something?" and he goes, "Bye." He was half-kidding apparently, 'cause he started laughing when I said that was really mean. But I was like, whatever, bye.

My theory is that, seeing as I'm not around, he's gotten over me and thinks that it's better like that. 'Cause while he was still being all cute, he would sign off AIM saying he's going to sleep then text me about 30 minutes later all, "Now I can't sleep 'cause you're on my mind." and equally adorable stuff like that.

So I think that's why he's being dick, to make his summer more bearable. I also think when he gets back, we'll hang and it'll be back to calling me baby. But little does he know I don't particularly enjoy being treated like shit, so if that's what he's planning, I hope he doesn't honestly expect me to respond.

Anyways, I'm going to update you all on the fight I had with Michael a couple days ago 'cause he just IMed me. I basically told him how everything he did effected me, in detail. I was pretty upset just by telling him. He was all, "I feel like shit blahblah," so I said, "So you say but you know tomorrow you're going to wake up and find your next skank and you won't spare it a second thought," and he said, "Yeah most likely."

I honestly hate him. I do. I can't believe he could do everything that he did when my life was in the worst shithole it had ever been in then treat it like it was absolutely nothing. Then he IMs me today being a huge dick, so I just blocked him. I was telling Daphne that if he actually made a sincere effort to try to apologize -- if nothing else -- I'd probably forgive him (well, to a degree where I wouldn't exactly hate him) because I know he'd never do it. He doesn't really care, it's more obvious than neon lights, whether he'd admit it or not.

I really wish karma existed, I really want Michael to get what he deserves. Nobody like that deserves to have such a good life.

Hahah, funny part is, he believes in God. Hey fuckhead -- what do you think God thinks of you now? There's a one-way pass to hell. That makes me smile.

So, I'm probably hanging out with Phillip tomorrow. We're getting close again after all the shit that happened the last week of school.

I'm leaving this place in about 6 days. I'm so excited.

I want my life to be a TV show. Not the cheesy kind where there's a life lesson in every episode. Actually, I don't want anything to change -- I just want a soundtrack. Well, one other than in my head. I actually pick out songs that I would play at certain moments in my life, and I'm always relating lyrics to my life and such.

I find that I get lost in my own head more often than not. I daydream of moments that I know will never happen. For example, Kyle got back from Colorado and we saw each other for the first time. I said something along the lines of giving up on him because he was being a dick, then as I turned around to walk away from him, Tell her this by Del Amitri (it's a really good song) started playing. Then he called out wait, and explained some amazing reason he was acting the way he was, and then we hug, and etc, etc.

I was upset last night for a lot of reasons, but not one I could exactly pin-point. So I went outside and decided to walk to the Publix parking lot, which was completely vacant because it was the middle of the night. So I just sat in the glow of the streetlamp and started writing. The silence was perfect; eventually I just gave up writing and sat there listening to it. It made me wish someone was there with me, but all that made me do is realize that I had nobody to wish was there with me. So I pretty much wished that someone would come along so I had someone to wish I had.

I'd rather miss someone than have nobody to miss. At this point, Come Around by Rhett Miller was playing on my internal soundtrack.

I'm fuckin' psychotic.

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Bad things happen, a lot. Car crashes, deaths. But if you think about it, while you're driving down the road, you don't think anything can or will happen to you. We all live feeling like we're kind of impervious to it. There are so many people in the world, what're the chances it'll happen to me -- now?

Last night, Andrew was driving me home around 11:30. We were driving home from Sawgrass, which is a pretty far drive. Only, we were caught in the middle of a tropical storm (which we're still getting the tailend of as I type), and Andrew's car doesn't have fog lights, nor are there streetlights on the highway. So it was really bad.

He pulled over and we waited for it to calm down a little before leaving again, so we were fine. But if we didn't have brains, like any other teenager, we would've just kept pushing through it and we would've, chances are, gotten into some sort of accident. It made me think.

Anyways, yesterday was a good day. I hadn't slept at all the night before 'cause I had a 7:30am orthodontist appointment and I wasn't having any luck falling asleep anyways, so I was just like, fuck it. Then I got back from the orthodontist and Amanda (my sister -- not Michaels's love affair), Tina, and I walked to a thrift shop (it turned out to be a lot farther than we thought.. we regreatted our decision). We were walking past a car wash where some homeless guy was fighting with the workers there. As we tried to walk past him, he turned to us and went, "Those guys are faggots!" It was pretty strange, yet oddly funny.

Then we made it to the thrift shop, where I got a pretty cool belt and Tina got earrings. Eventually Ricky, Ian, and Kamille met up with us. Luckily Ian has a car. Anyways, we went back to my house where we just hung out and messed around. Then we went to the beach and got lunch. From the beach we went back to my house, where Andrew met up with us once he got off work. We hung out there for a bit, then we all left for Andrew's.

We all hung in Andrew's room, where he played guitar and his sister Amy -- who is a pretty good singer -- sang the songs he played. I have some it on video, if I can get them to upload, I'll show you all. Then we ate dinner there.

After dinner we all left to Sawgrass to see Pirates of the Carribean 3. When we got there I'm pretty sure I saw Zander, so I walked away as fast as I could. I heard someone call my name and I ignored it -- I didn't feel like dealing with him. PotC3 was interesting, to say the very least.

After the movie, we walked out, and it was downpouring hella hard. Ian, Ricky, and Kamille left in his car. Andrew, Tina, Amanda, and I waited for the rain to die out a bit, then we left. That's when we pulled over on the highway and all that.

By the time we got home it was around midnight, I ended up falling asleep around 1:30. I was supposed to go with my mom today but she called me saying she was sick, so I don't know what I'm doing today. I was on the phone with her for about 30 minutes, then I took a shower (I love showering when it's raining.. feels natural, kinda), then I watched a bunch of videos from yesterday.

I think I'm going to go to the beach later with some kids.

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