You don’t remember me
Like I remember you
Was not so long ago
You broke my heart in two


She turned seventeen last night. I remember her as just some skinny girl I met outside our school waiting for her mom to pick her up. Even then, she had a lot of friends, but I did too so I didn’t notice it I guess. When I see her now, my heart refuses to view her as the woman she’s becoming.. I wanna’ remember her as the girl who’d not only hold my hand, but hold me whenever she had the chance.

Last night was her birthday, and the party, was filled with a million and one people. Hyperbole. It didn’t feel as though there was anyone there other than me and her though, when she held me close than she usually does. She’s skinny, and only eats chocolate ( I baked her a chocolate cake for her birthday, and I think her mom questioned my masculinity for that ), but when she put her arms around me I thought she was the strongest person in the room. She held me tight, tighter than anyone I can remember and although I loved having her in my arms, I hesitated when she hugged me for the second time that day, when I was leaving the party about an hour after arriving. After the initial embrace, she left to go play the hostess role with the 999,999 other people there, playing their truth or dare, air hockey and trying to look pretty while I sat with her nerd of a brother and watched the walls.

I tried my hardest not to look at her throughout the evening.. I didn’t want to let on that I was as bored as I was, didn’t want her to know that I wasn’t having as much fun as anyone there. ‘Twas her night, ‘ya know? She was happy.. I could tell from her eyes, and I didn’t wanna’ be the one to make her smile fade and that twinkle in her eye disappear. So, I sat in a corner with her dorky 12 year old brother who kept touching me. I was tempted to go T.I. on ‘em with the ‘ You don’t know me ‘, but each time I saw his face I’d remember why I was putting myself through it, ‘cause his face is just like hers.

I feel as though I had wasted my time there.. I only enjoyed two moments : When she opened the door and hugged me, and before I walked out the door and she held me.

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So I close my eyes
And then I won't see
The love you don 't feel
When you're holding me



Last time I did hold 'er, I couldn't see her eyes. I love her eyes, not 'cause of the color or anything.. but just because they're hers.

I used to get really frustarted during school, during our class together when she'd look at me from across the room. When the school started, and ended, she sat right next to me by choice.. I was going to drop that class til she told me it would be good if we had a class together. Good for us to try and rebuild and work to get what we used to have. The thing was that I wasn't ready to go back though.. I still wanted to hate her. I didn't want to trust her, to have faith in the girl. When I'd see her, I'd want to see the girl I used to know, not girl becoming a woman infront of my eyes.

Whenever the year began, she chose to sit right next to me. I was cold ot her then is what she tells me.. or told me, two weeks ago. Cold enough to drive her way across the room to sit with the cool kids. That class was really divided into two sides.. it was me and her next to eachother, then behind us were three girls who always talked to eachother, but they were two rows behind and we didn't talk to 'em much unless we had to do three+ groups. Then across the room was about twenty other students, broken up into their factions.. had the athletes in one corner, the musicians in the next, and the nerds/overachievers( They were all overachievers, 'cept for me and this one girl named Sara, it was an AP english class )..

She went to go sit with the musicans and nerds midway through the year when she got sick of the wall I put up to guard my feelings from 'er. Although I wanted her sad, wanted her to feel some sort of pain the way she had made me feel, I didn't want her to leave me. When she did, it reminded me of how she left me the year eariler.. only that time, I hadn't pushed her away.

When she was gone though.. I tried my hardest to not look at her at all, 'cause when I did I'd see her smiling and laughing and having fun with those kids, and then look beside me and see an empty desk and listen behind me and hear three girls talking about the sexy boys with bad BO. She smiled the times that I did talk to her when she sat beside me, but itwasn't one of those laughing smiles.. it was more of the smile she gave me alot when I saw her a few weeks back, the kind that makes you feel like you've just touched someones heart 'cause it's so genuine. It's not like the smile you give when you get a gift or when you're about to snot out milk, but the kind you give when you're in disbelief of what you just experienced. She'd tilt her head to the side and downcast her eyes adn just smile and think..

When I'd look at her from across the room, I'd just think to myself how much of a loser she was for leaving me, and how I didn't need her anyway. I'd tel myself how much I hated seeing her stupidly beautiful eyes light up when she heard some unfunny joke, and how much those guys and gals she was sitting with were less cool than the swiss alps. Then she'd look up and straight at me, so I'd always have to look to the window, or at the board, or up on the cieling or on the ground.. any direction but at her. I'd avert my eyes, but I know she knew. I could've been aloof to anyone else in that class, but she knew me. She probably knew how I'd start to panic at first, and then try to play it cool. But never cool enough to look back.

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