Your hand slipped awayAs I watched..I watched you fall

The look he gave me when he saw us together was the type of look I'd get from one of my football coaches when I didn't fight hard enough, took a play off or something. That gaze that doesn't have to be accompanied by a shout, yell, scream, even a whisper. All he needed was that left to right nod while his head was tilted back for me tog et the full message.

He doesn't like her much. She doesn't like him much either, although they were once two of my closest ' friends. ' Now, I consider .. I consider her a friend. I walk with her friendly, talk with her friendly, embrace her friendly, although I'm missing her still. With him, ... I found it easy to let him go. Didn't have to think twice about our relationship going down south, and even though he extended his hand out ot me multiple times I kind of just shook it off. I matured quicker than he did, and his immature jokes and actions turned me off despite whatever friendship we once had. We had lunch today after about two years or so, and it was kind of awkward at moments. He's got a fancy car that he's poured alot of money, attention, and time into. He's a state ranked wrestler, works at some kind of pet shop for his mom, and looks as mature and respectable as a seventeen year old could, but in my eyes he's that kid who'd fart in english class and only half open his mind to new things, people, and places. The only reason why we were friends was because he half opened his mind to me in the seventh grade when I moved to this part of town, and he accepted me into his group. I was introverted, talkedl ittle and wrote alot back then, and was apart of a million school clubs. From football and track to journalism and band, I was across the spectrum. The best thing I did throughout HS so far was dropping all of that stuff, dropping all the labels and titles like " Footballer Jon, band member jon, Journalist Jon, Photographer Jon ', so that all I don now is ' Jon '(sometimes Jonathan). Although I shed alot of the relationships I forged in those crafts( I can't hang out in the lockerroom or the bandhall anymore with those people), I've kept some of them.. His just wasn't one. Nor was hers for awhile.

I saw her a few days ago at a pizza shop on a day she skipped school after having a nightmare. She was by herself, talking to someone on the phone and I was talking to a girl I was with til I spotted her, threw my arms around her, and squeezed. Few minutes later, her boyfriend came running in ( Literally running ), along with alot of other people so I decided to slip out. I guess partially because of him, and because of the other ten, twenty people who she was meeting up with. One of them, her best friend, saw me and hugged me as though we were friends. I just kind of stood there, a little... yeah. On my way out I saw alot of people I used to talk to alot and took part in the small talk
" Hey, haven't seen you in awhile"
" Yeah. "
"Blahblah..blah"
"Yeah."

Okay, so maybe I didn't take part in the small talk. I put forth an effort, one syllable words = effort. One syllable word = Friend. After having lunch with him and spending my morning with her, I'm able to reflect back on what makes them different in my mind, and why I consider her a friend and him just someone I used to know. Maybe its the bi-daily contact Ih ave with her opposed to the once a week hall-way nod I've got with 'em. or maybe its because I'm mad at him for allt the racist or ignorant or dumbass comments and actions over the years that I never experienced with her.

Or maybe it's because she's got prettier eyes.

RIP Eddie Guerrero

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What's your name again? I know I knew it two seconds ago
But I don't recognize this second face, although with the first it's identical

It was.. You know how when it’s time for you to wake up sometimes, but you want to hold onto that dream so much that you go into that half awake, half asleep type deal? It was maybe three weeks ago that when she, metaphorically, kicked me in the gut with the truth I refused to see. With her hands wrapped around her books, and her face turned to face the world and away from me, she told me we couldn’t be what we once were. Told me that she couldn’t understand how I could go from being cold and distant for almost two years to waking up ( Half-waking up as I alluded to earlier ) this summer and forgiving her, and now try to act as if nothing was ever wrong. I didn’t say anything in response, just kept my head down and slid my hand into my pocket, looking for something to hold onto within while she held onto me like she always did, hugged me, and walked away to her class after a few moments of silence.

Telling me that we couldn’t ever have what we once had.. Telling me that we couldn’t be as close, let alone closer just like that.. I blamed her. I couldn’t see how she could say that to me, when I had been the one to forgive her for hurting me in the first place, and throughout the rest of that day people came up to me to ask what was wrong. My favorite teacher told me just last week that my face betrays me, ‘cause when something is on my mind I can’t be as aloof as I normally am, and on that day.. I wasn’t really myself. I was still in my half-dream state till I made a phone call to explain my dilemma.. My friend, Momo, is my kryptonite. She called me on my selfishness, my reluctance to accept the pain I caused her , and me always wanting to bring it back to my hurt. I had made it seem as though I was doing her a favor by forgiving her, without realizing that she had forgiven me time and time again by always coming back for more and more punishment. Each time I hurt her feelings back then seemed like another day.. Another month added onto the time span it’ll take for us to be what we once were. After talking to Momo, I felt as though someone cut the lights on in my bedroom and dragged me out of my dream state. I had known the truth in the back of my mind.. I knew that realistically, we couldn’t build what took two years to destroy in two weeks. I didn’t care though.. So often, it seems as though I think with my heart, and not my mind. I know the right thing, I know the smart thing, I know what I ought to do.. But if my heart ain’t in it, don’t expect to see Jonathan taking part in it.

I wrote a lot, but in the journal we share, the thing I gripped in my pocket after she told me that. I tore that journal up, the front cover is broken off the hinge now, and almost all the space is taken up.. When I gave it to her to read a few weeks ago, she just looked at me funny and smiled. That was the same thing she did two days after she told me that, and I talked to Momo.. She asked me if I was okay, and I told her no. I told her that I was sorry for being so selfish, and not realizing the pain I had caused her, and apologized for not looking at things the way they were and focusing on what I wanted and dreamed of. She smiled at me, and I think I might’ve hated her for a moment,(hyperbole), for being so understanding with that grin.

I told the girl that one of my biggest problems in regard to our situation was that I was always looking to the past.. Reminiscing of the past with her, and when I wasn’t doing that I was dreaming and hoping of some great future, always forgetting the past. She asked why, and I told her that I didn’t know.. And told her that I’d try to focus on the present.. And that presently, I had a friend who I could open my heart to during our seven minute journey from the 700 to the 300 hallway.


Since then.. It’s been weird for me. A couple days have just been filler conversations “ hey - hi - how’re you - fine - blahblah - … “ Today.. I figured that most of those filler conversations are because of me. We started to have one where she asked me what’s up, and I’d say “ The sky “, then ask me what’s going on, and I’d say “ life “. She looked at me, and said “ Tell me what I want to hear “
“ I love you. “, followed by a quick “ I dunno “ with my head turned down and my bottom lip rolled back into my mouth at an angle, biting it. It’s true, I do lover the girl, yet I’m not sure how..

No, I do know how. I love her as a friend. We’re not as close as we used to be.. And wishful thinking complicates things. Wanting her.. And wanting to be with her.. Two separate things. She’s got a boyfriend.. A guy who used to be one of my close friends. We all used to be close friends, the three of us..

There I go again, reminiscing. Right now.. The present.. Is what I’m focusing on.







http://www.angelfire.com/nb/okashira/SONGMUSTPLAY.mp3

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