Today, over breakfast with my favourite relatives/adults/uncle and aunt, the question about the origins of my anger came up. It usually came up from well, my uncle teasing my aunt. So my uncle was teasing my aunt that all the anger in me came from her and she retorted that it was actually him. To be honest, I don't know where my anger came from but it has to be the combined influence of the both of them as the pretty much raised me up along with my grandfather. Hmm.. it might be him too since he has a temper but let's just say that I love all the angry people in my life.

Then my uncle said, "That swearing, it's not from me.. it must be from your aunty". That pretty much cannot be denied as she does swear a lot more often than my uncle but.... they are not the ones at fault. The one who exposed me to swearing in English is my best friend.... while the one who swears the most in Hokkien would be my grandfather. Although it has to be noted that it wasn't until the past year or so that I started to actively swear in Hokkien... As of late, I prefer (or automatically, pretty much) to use "cibai" or pussy in Hokkien than fuck (which was my preference prior to the change). I don't see the problem because calling someone a pussy is much better than calling someone to go have sex in a vulgar way but to close-minded, stuck in the 50's mindset... yea.. anything is a no-no as long as it is under the vulgar category. So I guess I should stick to saying fuck.

My grandfather should be thanked for instilling the hardworking, responsible and dependable me, along with upholding promises and obligation and defending what and who you think is right. Works like a double aged sword.

Naivety has to be entirely me because it is just so tiring to doubt everyone who talks to you and tells you things, unless my guts says that there is something wrong about that person. Though this contradicts my pessimistic outlook, after all, I pretty much don't get 3/4 of the things that I want so.... yea.. I don't know how that works... but it works.. probably through my rationality.

So... that's pretty much all that I can think of now... perhaps I will add some more when the time comes.

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Give me back my grandpa because when he promises me something, he delivers. He doesn't try to bargain his way out of it when the time comes.

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Your silence threw me to the wolves. There is nothing else left to say

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I want to go back to where the swings are, among the people who loves me most

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listening to: Pixie Lott - Nothing Compares

For the past few days, I feel that I don't want him anymore. I feel like I've really finally graduated from him but right now, I partially want that gentle and patient person right beside me. Why? Because once again the only guy he can be compared to is the one on the couch downstairs watching football.

Yea.. I'm feeling disappointed. Nothing new, nothing too surprising but honestly, no matter how many times this happens, I will never feel any less disappointed.

Half of me wanted to see him over the weekend, half of me does not. I don't want to keep on chasing shadows, shadows that I know will not be there for me. I guess I'm also so tired of all these uncertainties in my life. The uncertainties that has been floating around for the past year or so.

I think the next time I see him, I'm going to ask him. I have to end this one way or another and we all know that I like tying up loose ends than just leaving it like that.

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The one person I look up to is the one person I fear.

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