I am so close. It's like waiting at the edge of a cliff, the sharp dip down below, the massive expanse of refreshing air and while at one time, you may have been frightened, thinking that this big chasm was something that would swallow you whole, you know something more now that you never knew before: you can fly.

In that moment, you can step away from the grim expectations of a majored existence and walk out freely and with confidence into the great unknown, knowing, in some odd way, what carries you, knowing that you are going to be fine, that you are going where you've always wanted to go: across.

You realize that you will not be able to make a home here among the winds and that their caustic force will lead you place never before imagine, but the power of that third dimension, the power to think of going up, that is the strength in it. It is about moving on, transcending the miserable existence of before, stuck on that unholy ledge, neither able to move forward or back and now, freed by tansfiguration of soul and spirit, you can, finally, move on.

This is why I am so excited about summer. This is why, despite the sleet pelting down outside of my window, I feel summer in my bones. It's because I can finally do what I've always wanted to do: be a writer.

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I went to a mystery dinner yesterday. My eldest sister got me a mystery dinner game for my birthday and the first thing I did was ask my bible study to play it with me. It came together last week and I went yesterday. Everyone had a lot of fun! The moment they were through, they were talking about how they wanted to do another one.

A lot of the people I played with are moving, so we can't play together, but we were talking about buying them and then trading them around, lol. It's like those romances that people trade.

I learned a couple of new words today. The first is weightism (bias against a person because of their weight) another is absurdism which is the belief that we live in an irrational universe. I ascribe to that philosophy some days. The last is gerontocracy... which is a legal body led by really old people, lol.

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So, I bought a new keyboard. I was writing an essay and the other one was pulling its shenannigans and so with great foul language and exclamations, I decided that now was the time to start and investing in actually halfway decent hardware... well, 20$...

Microsoft says that it hasn't approved my driver... but so far as I'm concerned, driver, no driver, its all the same so long as it works. Hopefully, this 20$ patch will be significant enough to avoid a 1,500$ (new computer) permanent fix in the near future. While we cannot be certain what the future holds for the proud and true "Winsom Toshiba" what we can do is pray that my computer will at least last until I finish my book....

Well I suppose this confirms the test of the new keyboard system. Delete button is functional. Patch confirmed! Time bought! Hurray! We will do later tests in period dysfunctionality of current keyboard at a later date. Currently... well at least I can write essays without "pk" "p" "ppppp" appearing in random parts and logging me out of my screen when I press delete.

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I have a tape of my voice... I am saying stuff like, "In conclusion, there seems to be a need for our solution, but we don't know if people will use our solution." It is for my tech writing speech. The strange thing is, when I go around every day, I think of myself having a voice of an authoritative alto that, with light rolls and movements of the eyebrows, sounds very academic. However, I am completely inaccurate.

Technically, I am a mezzosaprano. My voice is high, but not sqeaky high. When I speak, far from the rolling tones of an academic, I speak with a little bit of a sing-song, I sound... junvenille! (No wonder no one ever takes me seriously!) I am not sure if I like the way I speak, but I know that I can't change it. For some reason, my large throat has been constructed to emit these unassuming girlish tones. I guess the conclusion of this analysis that I have to be more careful when I speak high because it must be... a LOT higher than I think.

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So this is what I am doing for my final project in type:



The idea is that we imprison ourselves by hundreds of very mundane sorts of things...



Whether is be someone else expectations or your own...



...the law or the defense of your freedoms...



...God or the weather, they all restrict us. I guess what this piece asks is... is slavery to these things really that bad? Is there a redeeming factor to having ourselves imprisoned by them?

I think what we have control over is WHAT we choose, not the choosing it. So I like to choose something that I like.

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I am ashamed to admit it but... I'm not a Fan. It's not like I haven't tried! I have tried to become obesessed about some kind of minutia of the world: pop bands, clothes lines, card collecting, stocks, dungeons and dragons, dog shows, anime, you name it, I probably have a working knowledge in it its just... I'm not a fanatic! Maybe there is something inside me that tells me that fanatcism is something to be avoided, that it is some kind of sign of the 'man' taking over your soul. Sometimes, I wish I could just... be obsessed.

For instance, Harry Potter. I liked the books, it is very imaginative... but you know how some people are? They just LOVE them! They know every name and place and you start talking with them about it and suddenly you are getting into a philosophical argument about a place that does not exist. In such conversations, I am poorly unarmed.

Card collectors, you tell them that you played yu-gi-oh in high school and they either start railing against your strategies or they dismiss you entirely because yu-gi-oh is too... mainstream.

Dungeons and Dragons... I guess I was pretty flush in it for a while, but I was never good at stat building... or roleplaying... or DMing... Geez! What was I good at? Oh yeah: being female.

Don't know nothin' about bands, though sometimes I know more than other people. I know more about breeds than most people, and if you put me in a ring, I could probably tell you which dog would win the class, but practically anyone can do that if they know dogs. No, the real fans will not only know which dog was going to win but who's grandmothers and grandfather's have won in previous years and what kennel bred them. Then anime... well I like most of it... but I have barely watched any of it and practically none of my money goes towards it.

There are legitimate reason why I am not particularily obesessed about a lot of things, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like. Maybe it's just a case of: no matter how much you know or how dedicated you are, there is always someone who is better than you are. Maybe I am a Fan and I just am not giving myself credit! ... then again... maybe I don't have to be.

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