Aries - March 21 to April 19
This week, you yearn for the strength to break free from your emotional cocoon and embark upon a journey of self discovery. But be warned - no matter how far you run, no matter how well you hide, if you make the mistake of running from the Baker County Sheriff's Department, you'll be making an altogether different kind of journey - a journey into the back seat of a police cruiser!


Taurus - April 19 to May 20
Busting through stop signs as if they were green lights, a sense of disaffection at work careens straight into your emotional meridian! As the heavy traffic of Rush Hour starts to kick in, Cops will have to work fast before this vague feeling of malaise snowballs into a full-scale catastrophe!


Gemini - May 20 to June 21
This week's scenario is highlighted by your ability to multitask and balance your act - a skill you're sorely in need of when these Georgia patrolmen administer the DUI test after you're clocked barrelling down the highway at ninety miles per! Later, it is discovered that not only were you driving at FIVE TIMES the legal limit... you were also high on a deadly cocktail of street-bought methamphetamines! Now these Virginia State Troopers have one less drug-crazed maniac to worry about, and you've learned an important lesson: You may try to evade the long arm of the law, but the further you run, the longer it gets!


Cancer - June 21 to July 22
Indecision, even when self-imposed, is not an easy place to be. You'll soon be faced with a choice of which way to turn. You can try the high way, the low way, or the freeway, but in the end you won't GET A-WAY from determined police officers!

And soon you'll be learning all about another place that isn't so easy to be - THE COUNTY JAIL!


Leo - July 22 to August 22
Lazy Leo, this week your horoscope is dominated by the need to take control and accept responsibility for your actions. But luckily, you'll have a lot of time to think about responsibility - BEHIND BARS!


Virgo - August 22 to September 23
One by one, the blocks in your path to self actualisation are being removed - though you may be a little in the dark as to what lies ahead for you. These Sheriff’s Deputies prefer it that way - it allows them to lay down Stinger spike strips in the path of your destructive rampage!

Moments later and the trap is sprung! Virgo speeds straight over the spike strips, popping all four tires! Running on rims only, with sparks flying rom the back of the vehicle like the tail of a comet, you have a moment of clarity, doing the first smart thing you’ve done all day, and surrendering to the police.


Libra - September 23 to October 23
An upsurge of magnetism in your personal and professional relationships will see an old flame return to your life, T-boning a tanker and showering the stolen SUV with pure gasoline! Only moments ago, cops were attempting to bring this renegade to justice - but now they fight to rescue the culprit from the twisted remains the vehicle before it goes up in flames!


Scorpio - October 23 to November 22
Careening the wrong way down this busy freeway, it’s only a matter of time before inspirational Mercury misjudges, and when it does, the results are terrifying - the sedan ricochets off the side of this eighteen-wheeler like a pinball! Just listen to the sound the car makes as it hits the central divider! Incredibly, he’s still conscious, and take off on foot into nearby woodlands. However, the suspect’s courage runs out when K-9 units are bought into hunt him down. This renegade celestial convergence took police on a blistering chase spanning three separate counties, but dedicated officers took the fugitive off the streets - and into a holding cell!


Sagittarius - November 22 to December 21
Things in the workplace will move swiftly, and the time between proposal and action may be refreshingly short - but not as short as THIS Sagittarius' temper when he refuses to accept the ticket and takes a wild swing at Officer Pendlebury!

It started as a twenty dollar fine for a cracked tail light, but because this HOTHEADED culprit couldn't keep his COOL, he's going down for felony assault! He'll have plenty of time to COOL OFF now - IN THE COOLER!


Capricorn - December 21 to January 20
Mars in your emotional house makes you a mess of conflicting wants and desires, spiralling out of control and fishtailing on this dusty, unpaved desert road. Unless you learn to control your impulses, it's only a matter of time before your worst fears become fender-crunching, tire-shredding, rim-rattling reality!


Aquarius - January 20 to Febuary 19
Boxed in by the cruisers, Saturn barrels wildly across the front lawn of your Relationship House, narrowly missing a pedestrian! This horoscope just turned serious. DEADLY serious!


Pisces - Feburary 19 to March 21
Amazingly nobody is killed, and you survive to stand trial.

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Here's a little secret that might piss off credit card companies and potentially get them to stop harassing you with upwards of 20 credit card applications per week. Some people have known this for years. For the slow: I'm saying that you're stupid and wouldn't come up with this idea on your own; pay attention.

There are two types of junk mail that everyone gets: coupons for stupid bullshit that you don't want, and credit card applications for credit to buy stupid bullshit that you don't need. Here's how to take care of all your junk mail in one fell swoop: use the postage-paid envelope that credit card companies send you with their applications to send them the OTHER junk mail you receive. It's just that simple. Imagine the frustration of credit card companies when they have to spend millions of dollars every year on first-class postage just to open up an envelope and find Pizza Hut coupons inside. The envelopes are intended to be used for "BUSINESS REPLY MAIL," and so use them for their intended purpose. You're sending them valuable money-saving coupons which could mean big savings to credit card companies, and it makes good business sense to use them. Consider it a reply to their business proposition with a business proposition of your own: 35 cents off a large, one-topping pizza. In fact, they should be thanking you for giving them these money-saving opportunities. Or how about sending them credit card applications from other credit card companies? Be creative.

Not only will you be pissing off the credit card companies by wasting their time and money (since they have to spend time opening all your mail), but you'll also be pissing off all the other companies that send you junk mail: Pizza Hut, McDonalds, Burger King, Papa John's and endless AT&T and AOL "free trial" offers (although I do admit that the free trial CDs make great coasters). This is of course only true if the credit card companies don't have the business sense to use your valuable coupons, and if they did then everyone would be happy.

So it's time to grow a pair and fight back. If you've ever been annoyed with their junk mail, send it back to them with some junk mail of your own. What can the credit card companies do? They only have two options:

1. Stop sending postage paid envelopes--unlikely since they know they'll lose a lot of applications if people are expected to pay for their own postage.

2. Stop harassing you with an endless flow of credit card applications.

They can't do anything about it because this is simply your way of telling them you're not interested, and giving them valuable coupons that could save them a lot of money, so spread the word: junk the junk.

I just love messing with big, multi-billionaire companies.

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This page used to be blank. It’s not hard to believe – all pages are blank at some stage of their existence. Some pages are doomed to stay blank forever, but it’s not my place to judge them for their decisions. If they wish to remain blank, who am I to impose writing upon them?

But this page isn’t blank. Not anymore. This page is slowly being filled with words, like the ears of a lover are oft poured full of whispered niceties, insistent urgings and warm feelings… as the words appear, they are gifts, like the touch of a lover’s fingers on bare skin on a warm summers night, as a breeze flows through the open window and the room is filled with the scent of fresh limes and sound of soft murmurs… The communication of the writer and the page - two lovers, whispering in the dark.

The words, of course, are dowries, promises of commitment – replete with wrapping and bows, they remain. What’s said cannot be unsaid. What’s written must remain written. Not even god could come up with ‘ctrl-z’ – nor should a writer ever dream or dare to delete. The words should just come from whence they are bidden… flow from the mind to the fingers, to arrive and dress the page for polite company, resplendent in Sunday’s finest.

I’ll take a sip of my Nestea – the last of the fresh lemony taste is gone, it's essence bobbing quietly within the can, as the dawn of autumn’s cold arrives through my open windows. This page used to be blank, you know… but it’s becoming less and less so.

It’s a task, you see – a calling. A talent is a gift from the universe – it must be used. We should never become slaves to our abilities, but nor should we ever turn our backs upon them. Like drugs, danger and angry drunks, our ever-present aptitudes should be embraced and faced head on.

My task is simple. To change the world I live in, one word at a time. And that’s why this page used to blank, but now it’s not. I choose to write. I choose to place my hands upon the keyboard and massage my message upon the page, kneading phraseology and tempting my vocabulary – plumb it’s depths to see what fantastic creatures emerge from its inky depths.

The words should lilt – the prose become poetry, the pentameter spastic rather than iambic, but the message remains the same. Like an earnest stage actor in costume, the paper now wears the idea – grateful for the chance to be a part of the change that lies within the turbulent air. One word at a time… and the happiness of creation becomes infectious. Viral – each sentence a contagion of joy.

To create such works fills me with a tangible, visceral sense of excitement – a falling joy. Vertiginous, my mind full of the butterflies that normally reside in my stomach. To write without thinking – to walk a tightrope with no net. To put words upon the page.

These words are mine to share with you – and yours to share with me. This moment, you may not remember in two days, but I will. I’ve given you the best gift that I can. I’ve crafted something from nothing – the laws that govern our universe say that this is impossible, but I beg to differ.

Gaze upon an empty page. Compare its stark, universal whiteness. Run your fingers across its skin, and let your fingertips revel not in its emptiness, but its potential.

Go. Now. Find a page and make it yours. Write, scribble, draw, paint, fold – create. Share with me the pleasure I get from this simple exercise. And when you’re done, hold your creation in your hands, and imagine the people with whom you can share it. Imagine their joy at receiving your gift of creation. Envisage the smiles, the caresses, the kisses… and think to yourself…

This page used to be blank.

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To my contributing supporters, aka readers, I am sorry for the previous empty blog. Just ignore it, and nothing apocalyptic shall happen.

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Now, it's crunch time. For those doing their music theory, you are screwed. This is the most impossibly hard pile of crap ever stuffed into 32 pages. If you are playing piano at a standard level, you will probably know what I'm rambling about. God, this just pisses me off so much. See, this is what makes the world such a miserable place. I should make my own music conservatory, and teach people. Anyway, if you have any wisdom to impart on this subject (History, Harmony), leave a comment and sign my guestbook.

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If people are wishing to blow some time, meet a good game, and have some training, go to Google. Search up ThingThing Arena 2. Play the game, and get a high score. Super Survival is the funnest mode. Once you get to the point where there are like unstoppable armies, the Guass Gun and the Grenade Launcher become more efficent in bring down people. They can do 10 people in 1 shot. Really awesome.

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