I'm feeling very left out again. Almost rejected? Definitely depressed.

Three times today I had my head snapped off, by the same person, for no apparent reason. The third time it happened, I just stopped talking. It certainly took everyone else at the dinner table fucking long enough to realize that I wasn't talking anymore. I sat there staring at my hands, occasionally glancing up, for a good 20 minutes before anyone noticed.

I have so much shit going on right now. And it really isn't a lot; it just seems that way. Whenever I say something to someone at work about my stressing, they look at me funny; almost as if they think I'm joking. They don't even know the half of it. I'm happy at work because I have to be. It makes for an easier work environment. And it keeps people from asking me "what's wrong?"

Sitting at the dinner table tonight and thinking about what my sister had said about me being uncomfortable if I were to take up Ed's invitation ... I realized I'm an outcast. I am alone. Evenone seems to have someone ... except me.

Ed has Amber. Lori has Anthony. Mom has Steve. Sam has Jean. Lori's friend John has his girl. The other people that I talk to have their girlfriends and boyfriends, husbands and wives. Or some significant other of some kind. I, again, have no one.

I'm so ready to leave. I hate it here.

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I would totally do him if he wasn't married

...

with 4 kids.


And this other guy ... has a very nice body ... for someone who is 20 years older than me.

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I find it oddly funny that the two guys I get along with best up at work both like me, but the feeling is not mutual. One of them is just way too old for me and the other has a girlfriend/wife and at least one child with her, if not more.

Yet, I can joke around with them, no issues. I can talk to one of the guys about almost anything and feel comfortable with it. Some of the things I say probably bother him more than I realize.

Today, the guy with the kid called me sexy. I probably should have thanked him for the compliment, but when I get compliments like that, I feel a little uncomfortable. I'm not a bad looking person, but I don't find myself to be sexy. Or hot or any other word of that nature. I've learned to say thank you when I'm told that I'm beautiful or pretty. Nice or attractive are even easier words for me to handle. But the words that are usually used to describe the attractiveness of a celebrity? Not something meant to be said to me.

I should probably tone down the flirting that I do with both of them, just so neither of them gets the wrong idea that I might be leading them on, but flirting is just in my nature. I flirt with everyone. It usually makes for a more pleasant atmosphere. Besides, I tend to be more upbeat when I'm flirting around. Occasionally my flirting is for good reason, due to the fact that I like the guy and want something out of it. Sometimes it pays off. But in most cases, it's harmless fun {at least I try to keep it harmless.}

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Alright, I really have to work on my micro crushes. I've decided that if I got over them, it would make it easier to handle the hard truth.

One hard truth {which isn't really that hard, but whatever} has already been confirmed ... and it hurts a little.

This sucks.

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