Anyone else watch the season 6 premier of 24 last night and Sunday? I didn't think so... nuTang doesn't seem to have many fans of 24. For those of you who don't watch 24, imagine a stereotypical 90s action flick spread out over the course of a televised series. For those of you who don't watch stereotypical 90s action flicks, I assume that you've noticed that sensation of an empty void deep within your soul?

That's right, the 90s action flick is an integral part of the American identity. Denying yourself such audiovisual bliss for too long can lead to such adverse effects as a desire to join the democratic party and persuasive communist tendencies. To avoid such a situation, I would suggest starting out on some of the lighter Chuck Norris masterpieces (Delta Force II is a nice introductory work), and slowly building up your tolerance until you feel ready to take on the heavier stuff (Die Hard 1, 2 and 3 are good picks for the intermediate-level 90s fan). The clip below is a good example of what you should be looking for.



But I digress. To begin this season of 24, main character Jack Bauer has been released from his imprisonment in China and is once again working for the U.S. Counter-Terrorism Unit.

I'm sorry, did I say Jack Bauer? I meant Jack Power. Honestly, for all of the times that that man has saved America, he truly deserves the formal superheroization of his name.

I'm sorry, did I say America? I meant Los Angeles. You see, as if drawn to his spectacular embodiment of American ideals like bees drawn to honey, every single terrorist and generic evildoer of the series has chosen to focus their attacks on Jack Bauer's hometown of Los Angeles. Again, for those of you who are not patriotic enough to watch 24, allow me to recap the previous five seasons:

Season 1: Terrorists attempt to assassinate a presidential candidate in Los Angeles.
Season 2: Terrorists attempt to detonate a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles.
Season 3: Terrorists attempt to release a deadly virus in Los Angeles
Season 4: Terrorists attempt to kidnap the Secretary of Defense, meltdown a nuclear reactor, shoot down Air Force One and detonate a nuclear weapon, all in Los Angeles.
Season 5: Terrorists attempt to hijack a Russian submarine to launch its missiles at... Washington D.C.? But only after Jack Bauer stopped their plot to destroy Los Angeles. Oh, and the submarine was in Los Angeles when they hijacked it.

This season, Los Angeles is once again facing the threat of nuclear annihilation at the hands of terrorists. Nonetheless, we can all sleep easy, secure in the knowledge that our nation rest safely in the ever-ready hands of Jack Bauer. And besides, I don't live in L.A. anyway.

Thank you, that is all.

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It has come to my attention through reliable sources (The Iranian Ministry of Propaganda and False Accusations) that Tom and Jerry have been exposed as a ploy of Walt Disney to improve the image of Jews in Europe. I have managed to secure a video report, available at the bottom of this blog entry, which proves this theory beyond a shadow of a doubt.

That's right, those lovable cartoon characters (still visible today as part of Cartoon Network's afternoon programming content) were actually part of our conspiracy to take control of the world. You see, back in the 40s, Europeans were starting to call us Jews nasty names like "dirty mice". So, we figured that we'd take the lemons and make lemonade, and trick you all into thinking of us mice as cute, lovable creatures. To accomplish this, we commissioned Walt Disney to create Tom & Jerry. This wasn't easy, seeing as Walt was a known antisemite and all, but apparently we pulled it off.

But if Disney created the cartoon, then why was there an MGM logo at the beginning each episode, you ask?



Well, that too can be explained. You see, Walt Disney only wanted to pay the Jewish Conspiracy 5% of the royalties for Tom & Jerry, which was unacceptable. But since Disney had created the cartoon, he owned the copyright and we were bound by our contract to produce it through him. So, using the nuclear-powered time machine that Albert Einstein had secretly built for us, we took Disney's proposal back in time and asked MGM to produce it instead, in exchange for 6% royalties. They agreed, and Tom & Jerry immediately went to work seducing the minds of children and adults everywhere. It was a great success, and managed to usher in an era of peace and prosperity all over Europe throughout the 1940s.

And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids...

Thank you, that is all.

Tom & Jerry and the Jewish Conspiracy

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Attention citizens:

In accordance with a condition of mental emergency declared in response to the imminent attack of educational anomalies known as "finals", today's blog entry has been indefinitely detained on charges of time-wasting. For your daily dose of humor and hilarity, please refer to the blog's of theZebra and RandomJunk.

Alternatively, if you feel the distinct urge to enjoy my own unique brand of comedy, please turn your attention to the video below.
Thank you, that is all.


So true...

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The other day, I presented my "United States Since 1940" history course with an episode from a landmark television show of the early 1980s... The A-Team (short clip available at the bottom of this entry). For those of you who have never experienced the audiovisual bliss that is an episode of this spectacular series, it was basically an 80s version of 24, with the one minor difference:

The A-Team: Killed a total of 7 people over the course of its 5 seasons. It pionered a style of 1980s non-violent television, where all bad guys were knocked unconcious or otherwise subdued in a harmless, honorable manner.

24: As of last season, main character Jack Bauer has killed a total of 113 people (at least), using such classic moves as:
-Using only his legs to snap the neck of an enemy
-Punching an enemy in the heart
-Severing the head of an enemy with a hacksaw

But I digress. Based on a shortened version of the episode "Bad Time on the Border", the class was actually able to sustain a lively academic discussion for the remaining 15 minutes of class. Did you know that The A-Team was actually an expression of contemporary American ideals of the early 1980s as influenced by the ascendancy of Ronald Reagan during the waning years of the Age of Limits? Neither did I. Actually, to be honest I don't really know what that means... but apparently its true.

Anyway, to conclude, I leave you with another featured video at the bottom of this entry, documenting how post-A-Team Mr. T plans to continue his historical role in American culture.

Thank you, that is all.





The A-Team

Don't worry America, your lives rest safely in the capable hands of the A-Team.

Mr. T's Latest Work

No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to come up with an amusing comment for this one... Honestly, its like Mr. T has done all of my work for me.

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DISCLAIMER: Just to clarify, the following blog is intended to make fun of the YouTube video below. I do not actually believe that women are inferior to men, or that MS Paint is a driving force for social change (the two positions that I take in this post).

Many of us here at nuTang are familiar with MS Paint as a simple computer program useful for such things as drawing island pixelpeople, and doodling while bored. We have used it as an artistic workhorse, intended only for the creation of doodled trivialities. And, in doing so, we have blinded ourselves to its true potential.

Do not make the mistake of approaching MS Paint as you would any other free Windows accessory. It's shortcut may be placed adjacent to those for solitaire and minesweeper, but those games are nothing compared to the raw power of MS Paint. It is, in fact, an engine of social discourse.

But how can such a small selection of drawing tools possibly be used to accurately express the underlying principals of our sophisticated society, you ask? Indeed, MS Paint is not a tool for the weak. However, in the hands of a true expert, a single mouse-stroke with the pencil tool can be as informative as 1,000 PhD thesis-papers.

Don't believe me? Very well then, I shall show you. At the bottom of this blog entry, you will find a YouTube video demonstrating the true power of MS Paint in action. Over the course of this short film, a leading expert mathematically proves the underlying theory of sexism with spectacular diagrams, brilliantly communicated through MS Paint. The evidence presented in this video is, quite simply, indisputable.

That's right, within a span of minutes, this MS-Paint specialist was able to overturn years of respected scientific research to finally prove once and for all that men are superior to women. Ladies and gentlemen (more importantly, gentlemen), what you have seen today is the beginning of a new era in world conflict-resolution. An era in which tough social issues can be resolved without the need for inconvenient debate and rationality. Over the coming decades, we can expect MS-Paint experts such as the one portrayed in this video to tell us the answers to such frustrating questions as "Is gay marriage morally acceptable?" "Should we vote democrat or republican?" "Which religion should I follow?" and "Why did we invade Iraq?"

That's right gentlemen. The messiah has come, and it is MS Paint.

Thank you, that is all.

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Hello world.

I'm ManOfDarkSunglasses, and this is my first blog entry.

Over the next few weeks, and hopefully beyond, I will be posting here with amusing rants and stories. My periodic addresses to the public will generally be short and sweet. I don't really know what they will be about yet, but I know that I want to write them. Rest assured, some day history textbooks will look back upon this first post as the prelude to a new era of open communication. Either that, or it will be available for all of the world to see as a forgotten page in the dark, murky depths of Google's cache.

For the moment, however, I would like to apologize in advance for the following bad jokes which I am inevitably going to make over the course of my blogging career. Please disregard:

a) Jokes involving airline peanuts.
b) Jokes that don't make sense.
c) Jokes stolen from Seinfeld or other TV shows.
d) Overuse of sarcasm.
e) Quotes from 1980s songs, especially "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night"

Thank you, that is all.

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