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Some people call me a slut... They don't see how much it hurts me inside... What do you do when the world is against you? When nobody understands your pain? How is it that... It took me so long to realize... That all I've ever wanted and needed... Was right in front of me this whole time... Waiting patiently... For me to realize we were meant to be...
Days Of My Life


March 2024

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In a few months...
Monday. 5.17.04 5:00 am
I got to talk to Nick on the phone today. For about half an hour earlier today. Oh man... I miss him. A lot. I can't wait to see him, I'm gonna jump on him and give him the biggest hug, just wrap my legs around him, and kiss him so hard.

Aaron lost his job today. Therefore, he also got kicked out of his house. So now he is living with Marcus and Nick. So that should be fun. I feel real bad for Aaron. Poor guy... I need to talk to Sheralyn about him soon. It's kinda important now. She's told me that she likes him. But I need to make sure Aaron doesn't ever get hurt. Aaron is an emo guy.

Jamy is pissing me off. All yesterday and today, whenever I talk to him, he's like, "You should bail on your Nick. You need to be with a man, not a boy. I know how to make you feel good. RJ says you're too good for Nick." Umm... ExCuSe mE?!?! Shut tha fuck up! I happen to like Nick. A LOT in fact! And RJ told Jamy that Nick and I are a bad match. Totally lame of RJ to say that. I was like, "Jamy, I have a boyfriend. I like him a lot. Why go be with a player when I can have a boyfriend who actually cares for me?" And he was like, "I'm not a player, I'm 23, I'm lookin to get past the immature relationships and settle down." I was like, "Well, not with me..." As if that didn't piss me off enough... JUSTIN adds to this. "Liz, I just want you to be happy. I think you and Nick are perfect for each other. But, do you think you'll marry him?" WTF?!?! Don't say the 'M word' to me! Geez, what was he thinking? I can see myself with Nick for quite a while. I hope all goes well. I'm worried about how much he drinks and smokes pot. Sure, I like to blaze. But not really all the time. And I am dead set on not drinking anymore. Why drink? Why put myself through the crappy feeling the next day? I like being high better than drunk anyways. But he gets high all the time now. And drinks a lot too. I'm not going to tell him what to do. I'm not here to change him. I'm here to be his girlfriend. I just won't be doing all that crap with him. But it really does scare me. You know something else that scares me? He hasn't done his community service lately. I don't know what will happen or if he'll finish his hours on time. But I don't want him in jail. That would suck. I'd miss him so much. I wouldn't break up with him over that though. I'd wait for him. Yup yup, I sho would! If Nick ended up in jail, I'd definately wait for him.

But anyways, I talked to him on the phone later that night. He called. For once, lol. I sat out on the rooftop and talked to him. He was... Of course, high and on his way to being drunk. Lol. But he was telling me about how in a few months, he wants to take me to this resort up over the pass. That would be totally tight. But I don't ever want him to spend that much money on me. I'm so not worth it. I'm worth somethin, but not that much!!! Nick is so sweet.

I'm kinda glad things worked out the way they did. I mean... Us not dating till recently. In the time that we weren't dating, we became best friends, and so close. Nick said that same thing last night. I'm just glad to be with him.

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~*~*~*~This Is Me~*~*~*~
Sunday. 5.16.04 4:17 pm
I am: A confused version of myself.
I think: Way too much sometimes
I wish: Humanity would have more compassion
I hate: Hating
I miss: Nick
I fear: Getting my heart broken
I hear: Whup there it is!!!

I smell: Blueberry pancakes
I crave: Chicken tequitos from Azteca
I search: For where I belong
I wonder: How my new life with my dad, my new step sister, and step mom will be
I regret: Confiding in Michelle
I love: My family, friends, God
I long: To have a budgie again. I will get my bird. I'll hide it from my daddy, haha.
I care: How I affect other people
I accept: That there are some things that I can't change, but there are others that I can
I always: Fall hard for guys then realize soonafter that I shouldn't have... And end up breaking hearts

I dance: When nobody is watching... Or when I'm just chillin with Sheralyn
I sing: With all my heart
I cry: Hardly
I write: A lot in my blog
I lose: All control and any thought when Nick touches me like that

I never: Meant to hurt so many people
I have: A hard time expressing myself to others
I thrive: On happiness
I listen: To every kind of music. And to people who need to be heard.
I can usually be found: At my appt, at Nick's place, or at the pool hall
I need: Some good lovin' and people that love me
I waste: Too much money on pool and food.
I expect: Just as much respect as I give you

I should: Quit worrying
I know: Too much about somethings, too little about others
I obsess: Over everything
I am not always: Truthful about my feelings, I tend to hide them.

I hurt: When I see others hurt... Or I get my heart broken

I don't believe: In the "eye for an eye" policy

I believe: In God
I am not: Somebody to cross

~*~*~*~This is me...~*~*~*~

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Ooh Don't Let Me Start Loving Myself...
Sunday. 5.16.04 2:08 pm
watching: We don't have a TV here... Lame, huh?
listening to: Kids playing outside
mood: Satisfied

Don't you just love Burnadette Peters? She's so incredibly woman.

Well... I've been messing around a bit with my blog. Do you think it looks okay? I actually like it. But it looks very similar to my old xanga. Which makes me very happy. Cuz I loved the layout. But now I can have this layout, and the better site. I'm real glad I have that reading room... Maybe I'll put in some of my old poetry that I used to write. That would be ultimately cool.

* Sigh* I miss Nick, yet again... Still... I can't ever get him off my mind. I mean, I usually think about him a lot, but... More so now. I can't wait to get back to him. Yesterday I was talking to this guy named Joe. He's pretty nice. Kinda creepy. Kinda a perv sometimes. He has spinabifida. We got to talking yesterday, cuz he just randomly IM'd me on yahoo. And he said I was cool to talk to cuz he could talk about his body without holding back and I didn't judge him based on it. And *GASP* I understood what he was saying. Wow... That Human Anatamy and Physiology crap I took in High School payed off. He has a hole in his lumbar 5 vertebrae, no muscle beneath his knees, and no control of his bowels or bladder. How sad! So of course I'm nice to the guy. Not because he's disabled though... Because he's a person. But then after we talked all about his life and his family and his body, we got to talking about mine. I told him everything. My family situation, why I dropped out of school, how I'm going for my GED, then I want to take college courses this summer. Even if I have to bus my ass to Auburn on city transportation. Which, by the way, I will. I told him about my friends too. He asked me if I had a boyfriend, and I was like, "Yea! I'm pretty much on cloud 9 right now. I've just started dating my best friend." And he was like, "That's exciting, not everybody is lucky enough to be with the person who means the most to them in the world." I was like, "Yup, guess I'm not everybody." Then I told him the whole story of how Nick and I came to be. Then he made me think of something I've never even thought of or worried about before. Joe goes, "So... If this Nick guy has cheated on previous girlfriends before... And he cheated on that Hannah girl with your step sister, and then claimed in the days afterward that he likes your sister... What is to stop him from cheating on you and hurting you as he's hurt the others before you?" That completely stopped me dead in my tracks. I just kinda sat there and stared at the screen. He kinda burst my bubble, ya know? I don't even want to believe for a second that Nick would ever do that to me. Even John (My cousin, but I call him Bubba) said I'm different from all his other girlfriends. But what if Bubba also said that to the other girls? What if Nick truly is over me and actually likes Sher. What if he'll cheat on me? I mean, there's always been that slight worry in the back of my head, but only because I've already been cheated on numerous times before. I just kinda pushed that thought out of the way with Nick. I never wanted to believe that he's capable of hurting me. But he is, and I have to remember this. Everybody is capable of hurting everybody else in some way. That doesn't mean it will happen, but it is a possibility. I can't go into this completely noncholant and nieve to the fact that he's cheated on girls before. "Once a cheater, always a cheater." But is that truly true? Can't a person change? Will a person change? Will Nick change? Will I change for Nick? I don't need my heart broken again. I don't need to be hurt again. Neither does Nick though. I can't screw up either. But now that Joe said that, I can't get it out of my head, it's all I can think about. Not like I don't trust him... I could see him walking down the street with some girl and really not care. I trust him. But... Should I trust him? I want to. I have to. That's what relationships are based on. If we can't trust one another, there is no relationship. I need to stop overanalyzing things. I need to quit letting what others say, get to me. I don't believe Nick is even capable of having a thought about cheating on me. Lord knows, I wouldn't ever cheat on Nick.

*Sigh* I've managed to confuse and overwhelm myself all in the process of writing this entry. I'm leaving.

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Ooh ooh I need my baby here with me!
05/15/2004 4:27:05 PM
watching: The computer screen?
listening to: Nothing... I left my sound cord at my appartment... Totally gay...
mood: Hopeless and ashamed
So... Uh... Yea... I'm back up in Blaine again. *Sigh* Will this never end? Dad said this will probably be my last time up hered. Bu-bu-bu-bummer! SIKE!

I miss Nick like no other mother. Gosh I just wanna see him and give him the biggest kiss ever! Well I can do that Tuesday. *Sigh* I'll just have to wait. I'm not very patient, either.

Daddy is taking me to a mall in Vancouver to get me some clothes on Monday. Whoah, so excited! I've been to Canada once before in my life, but that was like... 5 years ago or something... I thought it was ghetto as hell.

Oh! I got some good news! Well... Kinda sad, kinda funny, kinda awesome... Sheralyn got kicked off the cheerleading squad because she missed this real important meeting because she wanted to go shopping instead!!! So when she moves down this summer, she's even going to EHS instead of going back to Bellingham for football season then coming down to Enumclaw. SAWEET! She's moving in with me permanently! She gets the little room though. Cuz she made me move to the big room cuz she thought we'd have to share if Michelle moved in. So I moved, the Michelle bailed, so we get our own rooms, but I'm not moving my shit back. Haha, hell no! Way too much work.

Haha, I'm talking to Dave! My 24 year old from Olympia. He's sooo incredibly cute! I met him on the net. We always joke around about running away to Vegas to get married. And we have this trip to Amsterdamn just all planned out. But we're not really going. He's too funny. He reminds me of Steve. Just older and more mature. Geez... I'm only 17. Steve is 19. Nick is 19.

Dpcali24 [12:29 PM]: so were still on for amsterdam in like 3 months?
EtownAZNdirty [12:29 PM]: oh yea
Dpcali24 [12:30 PM]: when we gonna smoke together
EtownAZNdirty [12:31 PM]: ooh we'll have to do that soon!
EtownAZNdirty [12:31 PM]: but not while I'm up here
EtownAZNdirty [12:31 PM]: This is my last time in Blaine... Woohoo

I wish I had my pictures on this stupid computer... But no... Dad got the port on the back of my computer wet and I had to go get another computer and now this computer has... NOTHING on it. Oh and to top it off... I straight forgot the speaker cord, so no sound either. My sound is at my appartment. Unbelievably gay.

Dpcali24 [12:44 PM]: well, im gonna get going gorgeous
Dpcali24 [12:44 PM]: later gater

Isn't Dave a sweetie???

So... I saw that video of whoever the hell they are beheading Nick Berg. I cryed. I don't understand how people can just be that cruel? It makes me so sad just knowing there are people out there like that capable of doing those horrid things. I wanted somebody to hug after I saw that. While I saw that... I wish my Nick was here... My Dad couldn't even watch the whole thing. He tried while he was at work and had to shut it off. He couldn't watch it. It was just too much. Berg never did anything wrong. He was over there on his own account, trying to establish communication towers. And that's what he got. Is there no mercy?

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Scandy Happenings...
05/14/2004 12:06:07 PM
watching: VH1 - Inside Reality TV Shows
listening to: The TV
mood: Chillin and thinkin bout stuff
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I gotta hang out with Nick. I even saw Josh and stole a pregnancy test for his girlfriend. Josh says the reason why Megan hates me is because she's so jealous of how I live. Her parents are all up in her business and everything. I mean, she can't even own a vibrator for crying out loud. My dad would rather me have a vibrator than a guy. Haha. But I can easily hide things from my parents. Well... I only got Daddy. And his fiancee. But I don't talk to her much. She's awesome though, we just never talk. But I can go out partying, drink, smoke, blaze, have sex, and just be a teenager and come home and clean the appartment and make food and to laundry and sit on the internet and my dad wouldn't know.

Well... My Dad is doubting my sex life. He knows for sure that I've slept with Jeb, but other than that I've been telling him that I'm celibate. But my fucking little sister who lives with my mom, straight sold me out. Told Dad that I've fucked 7 guys. 1st off, it's 6. 2nd, what the hell did she do that for? So I told Rose (My older sister) the real number and even got her to tell Daddy that it was one. God I don't want him to know about my wanton sex life! So as far as he knows... It's still one, but I know he has doubts now.

I gotta sleep with Nick again for the second night in a row. We cuddled all night and I woke up in his arms. Well, I've always been able to cuddle with him. Even when we were taken by other people, that's just how we were. We didn't do anything. There were other people in the room, I'm on my period, and I just want to take it slow. I mean it. I don't want to mess anything up. Not only our new relationship as a couple is at stake this time. It's not just... "Oh... Fucked it up with another guy... Oh well, I'll find another one, I always do..." It's more like, I have my friendship with my best friend at stake. I can't mess this up. I just can't. I even made him promise that no matter what happens, we'll still always be best friends. But sometimes even that won't work. I am worried about how we'll end up. That thought scares me 24/7. I guess I just gotta put faith in our relationship and friendship. I woke up to Nick's arms just wrapped around me. He thought I was sleeping and kissed me on the cheek and goes, "I love you babe. With all my heart. I have since the day I met you, I always will." Kissed me again, and layed back down. I didn't move, he thought I was sleeping. Heehee, I wasn't.

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