so i got my place into acu as i wanted... was busy all day because of chinese new year... had to help mum, had to do a lot of housework... havent really had a good day

to commence the new year, dad's department is closing down... in other terms, dad might lose his job... now what? the one that shouldve known first doesnt know, the one who doesnt need to know first knows first... is this my fault again?

life is so tedious... where is he when i need him..... i dont want to think anymore.. i guess just let things go the way they are? something will work out eventually... though meanwhile all i can do is sit here and feel shit

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pissed... nothing to say really... just pissed... VERY PISSED... is it in my nature or am i building the barrier against myself because of what happened... cant tolerate it anymore... i never use to care if anyone yelled at me.. or raged at me.. or said anything... i'd still be there for them... i thought i could still do that.... i was so wrong... just tonight i realised i couldnt do it anymore... i couldnt tolerate anymore.. if someone had tried doing so.. i'd bite back.. or just walk away from them... and thats exactly what i did! i feel horrible... i dont even feel like im myself anymore... he was so right! i said i'd always be there for him... but what did i just do?! i just said 'im going to go after this call' gee what was i thinking huh.... i know what i was thinking... that time someone had argued... no.. lets put it a more euphemistic form... 'debated' over something... well.. just expressing our opinions really... i kept having my own words thrown back at me.. not only that... they let their anger out on me and yelled at me... called me nasty things.... what was i in his eyes? why do i never cry in front of guys? because that same occassion we had that debate... i was under some rather intense stress... and ended up having a mental breakdown on the spot and just burst into tears... oh how comforting was it to hear 'oh would you just shut up and stop crying right now' what did he think he was? my father? gee if i was there in person i wouldve slapped him good i tell you.... he better go thank god he wasnt there.... i dont see guys the same way anymore... they're loving and awesome when they want to be... but they can be horrible monsters too... like one tonight

how many more of these occassions will we confront? how will i handle them each time? walk away from him and let him calm down before coming back? or the way i promised it and 'be there' but then let him let it all out on me? i handled tonight's situation terribly... i shouldve been able to put up with it.. but i must admit i was feeling pretty shit too...

we can barely deal with this and we're only on the phone... how will we ever fix things in person if we had to live together? i suppose im willing to be fair and change the way i see guys now if the other half is also willing to control their fucking tempers too... yes everyone gets angry but seriously, in some situations, its not necessary to go nuts and rage at everyone around

i can be contacted 24/7 ... but who is there for me when i need them in the middle of the night? only you.... i can always write to you as much as i like for as long as i want... unless your server's down or you get hacked T_T +touch wood+

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i wasnt meant to feel shit today, but i couldnt help it. no i didnt lie to him, i really was tired as well... i couldnt explain why i felt so crap. i just felt crap. i couldnt even explain it to myself. i guess its like waking up on the wrong side of bed. what was i suppose to do. i wanted to let it out, but i didnt want to do it in front of him. he wouldnt know what to do with a crying girl, he'd just sit there and freak out?

why is life so hard now? its suppose to be easier that high school is over! this is meant to be the point where everything starts fresh and run smooth [clearly not]... i was so looking forward to it all... now i just feel worse by the day. what do they think i am? i cant please everyone and make everything work. do they even know how i feel? i hate it! one is someone i want to be with forever, another is someone who raised me for the past 18 years with all her heart and effort... what the hell am i meant to do? stay a good girl and just say game over and find someone else? no! it doesnt work like that! i would never love that person the way i love him, its not right! love isnt like that, that isnt called love. fine, if not then what do i do? run away with him and destroy my relationship with mum completely? not saying it will happen, but what if we do break up? what do i do then? come crawling back home for mum? thats ridiculous! is he even for certain he'd want to be with me forever? and would never let me go no matter what happens? cos i know that my mum could do that.. like yeh man we'll fight, but shes my mum after all.. she'll care for me forever till she has to leave... but can he? i trust him, more than any other guy, but still... only to a certain extent... how am i to trust him 120% ? i mean, even he feels insecure sometimes.

i dont know how to talk about this to him... he hates thinking... i dont want to bother and trouble him.. he feels shit enough as it is i guess...i hate being here, i hate being in the middle... mum lectures him.. she doesnt really like him... she doesnt like it when i hang out with him too much... but i cant help it that i love him... she cant stop that... he hates it when he gets lecture, not even his own mum lectures him like that.. what the hell is my mum doing? its so embarassing! it hurts... he doesnt want to come over tomorrow, why? i dont really know the real reason... is it really cos of mum? or like he said later today 'its so far' ... like hes never made me to go his place on my own.. like thats not far? sometimes i really wonder if he truly really loves me that much, or am i just a toy? i know i shouldnt be doubting him or thinking that, i feel bad =[ why do i always feel so insecure? im such a bad girlfriend!

do either of them know what im going through? do they understand how shit i feel? why do they always have to make life hard for me? i cant lose either of them. i made him a promise. move out before his birthday. his birthday is nearing, and i have completely no clue how to get my ass out of this place without damaging my relationship with mum. i dont want to break the promise. i cant break this promise, it would make it harder for him to trust me later on if i made another promise for something.

jimmy, if ever you eventually read this, please dont tell me to just forget about the promise just because you feel sorry for me. please. just let me deal with it, ok?

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it was not only quite coincidental, but rather scary to see what i had been through replayed in front of me in the drama. i didnt even have the courage to watch it anymore. i want to forget about it. i dont ever think about it anymore, but when it played in front of me, i was scared. really scared. i could feel exactly how the character felt. it was a terrible feeling. will i ever overcome this fear? will i ever watch that part that i never had the courage to watch?

damn, my teacher was so right when she said that i was emotionally weak. haha, i didnt even believe it myself. oh well, time heals everything... i think...

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ah, its so hot today, and someone had forgotten to wake me up mm well, i woke up and saw a sweet little message on my phone... hmmm not such a bad start to the day, EXCEPT THE HOTNESS ...

it hasnt rained for the past ages, i want it to rain!!!

ok, my last entry was ummmm... ages ago..... oh well, so we GOT our results [finally] ... not knowing what may happen this year still... but i guess the future is a tad more clearer... at least theres a rough idea of what is ahead of us... i cant wait till my course starts, but then again... what will happen when it all starts? it all somewhat seems like a whole new novel being written... a whole new setting is introduced, time place people ... what effect will that have? we're all busy again? hmmmm... is that a good or bad thing? where will i be?

ah yes! for those who have been bored enough to read my entry till this paragraph, does anyone have any suggestions as to how to persuade your mum to let you move out? ... errr... to your bf's place? ah yes, we're all little 18 yr olds.....

theres so much to worry about =[ .. sometimes i wonder if its even a good idea at all to move out to his place... how long will we be happy for? a few days? a few weeks? a few months? a few years? forever? [being too simple minded?] how do i conclude whether or not HES THE ONE! i mean .. ok compared to all my other bfs, i fight with him the least... well we dont really 'fight' since if the other few times i just got pissed and he didnt really bite back...... and how does he know that IM THE ONE? i mean when a guy's in a relationship, wouldnt he always say 'i love you forever' well most of the time anyway? and how many of those guys really mean it? how many of those guys end up saying that same line to 3 or more other girls?

maybe i shouldnt be thinking so much into this, but i cant avoid it. if some things happen once, they can happen again. someone who said they'd love me forever is now i dont even know where haha, i completely don't talk to them at all either, not that i'd want to. this has only been a 3 month relationship. it cant guaranteed that say another 3 months.. or 6 months... or 9 months later that he'll just randomly say 'game over' geees... ok thats just over analysing .. if everyone were to think that way, no one would be together ... or no one would be happy in their relationships -.-"

how many relationships have you all been in? how many of them did you initially think 'yes im going to be with them forever till the end of time'? and has that happened [well are u still with them lol]? how many of the relationships have you taken 'seriously'? as in.. you guys talked about the future, planned it, talked about kids, or even naming them [creepy for some huh]

yeh strangely enough, i been through all that, and i guess because it failed once, i sometimes do worry it'd happen again... but its all a learning/experience process huh... gosh i was 16 - 17 at the time, thats some insane age to think about all that crap, so i suppose i shouldnt and didnt really take it 100% serious... but what the diff with this one... im 18... hes TURNING18... meaning not 18 yet? and let alone guys mature later than girls.. if they ever mature that is..... he could just be another one of them, right?

eurgh this is getting lengthy, i dont know why im thinking so much, and its getting hot, and i need to hang out the washing...

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friday today, im get so worried at night that i cant sleep. results come out on monday. what will happen? how have i gone? im really worried. then what course will i end up in?what course will he end up in? will it be like what he said? will we see eachother less often? will i really be able to move out 2 months into uni? will we still be together? am i willing to put up with a less reserved guy... there is too much to think about...

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and so the problems that existed tried to be solved. how long will this last? how long till another arises? i dont even know why im seeing it from such a pessimistic point of view. oh well....



hes such a busy guy. doesnt get home till 11 or 12. i know hes tired. he still stays up a bit... watches a bit of anime and talks to friends as a form of relaxing i guess.... i know he gets pretty damn tired... so he chooses to shut his computer and get me to call him instead, possibly so he doesnt have to read haha... but then i dont know ... because i know hes tired, i sometimes dont want to say much over the phone... especially about my problems or things im not happy about. i dont feel its fair ... hes tired enough as it is.. but i want him to be the one whose first there for me.. so i dont tell anyone else the problem either... unless it was something little or meaningless.... maybe things will improve over time?



less than 2 weeks to go... and we get our results. im worried sick

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its becoming a replay of the past, everything i do is worthless. im not going to tolerate the attitude this time. once bitten twice shy, i suppose. i cant tell whether hes serious or not anymore, the future is just a blur. i dont want to think about it anymore. i dont know what to do anymore.

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