My grandparents live out in Egg Harbor Township, which is about a couple minutes drive from AC. June 2nd is the one year anniversary of her death. I'll be going out there to pay my respects. Perhaps then I'll be able to get my head back together.
If not then, then perhaps after I start seeing a shrink.
Hopefully my agency will be able to tell me if it's covered.
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Enough with my yammering... here's something for y'all.
I forgot how much shit your body goes through when you start taking a new diet pill. The level of caffine in these pills are supposidly the thing that keeps your energy up, however those who know realize that caffine, although it does give you a good level of energy in the begining, also makes you crash; hard.
But that's not what I'm writing about. Even though I've been plagued by exhaustion by these pills, it's not what annoys me the most. Mood swings and the jitters top my list in regards to bs side effects that are prone to come about when using this stuff. When you can't seem to keep your hands steady and while I'm typing this, I have to admit my typing speed seems rather faster, however so are the level of my mistakes. *shurg*
This weekend with everything that has been going on in my life, the whole chemical imbalance issue finally came to a head when I broke down a just cried for about three minutes then came back to myself again. My friends didn't know what to think, however neither of them knew that I was on a new pill. I can only imagine how I'm going to be like when I start taking birth control >.<
Yes, caffine keeps you peppy for a little while, but it also makes you on edge. I just finally crashed in a very bad way. I should have stopped taking it after the weekend, but hoped it was an isolated incident. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, but I know I won't go postal, so I don't have to worry about an extreme.
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And now, for a classic for those maybe as old as me...
I'm starting to think I should got see a shrink. I go through such highs and lows. It's great when I'm on the highs. They're all natural. Just thankful for what I have.
But when I crash, it's scary.
The thoughts I have sometimes border between meloncholia to possibly dementia. I have these fucked up thoughts like I'm just waiting for the end. That there's nothing left. My mind wants to kick my own ass for these thoughts, but it seems like the more I try, the worse they get. The feeling of uselessness overwhelms me. I know it's self defeating and I should do anything and everything in my power to shake it off, but I don't know how. My body's tired too. I feel so sluggish a lot of the time that it seems like an effort just to get through the day.
Then there are the highs. When I feel like everything's right with the world. I'll be walking down the street with a smile on my face. I feel good and everything just feels perfect, and for that moment, it is. I have this uplifted feeling, regardless of how many miles I walked, regardless of the weather. It can be storming and I'll feel that way. It's as if I were walking on cloud 9. It's a great feeling.
I will admit I've done perfectly well without medication and therapy thus far, but I'm beginning to think that this is getting the better of me.
Or perhaps I'm suffering through hormonal imbalance bc of PMS.
*sigh*
In which case I should just sit tight for now and see what happens. But I really should work on myself regardless.
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But to give you something to think about, for all you holdem' players out there, this one's for you...
Yesterday I went over to my mother's house. She's leaving NY for wide open spaces, literally. She and her husband are moving out to Texas. As I was walking around the house, boxes everywhere, she told me that she had found my old junior high school yearbook. I thought I lost that years ago and have been thinking about it on and off since this whole move thing began. But there it was, in very good condition.
The whole thing was a bittersweet reunion.
As an adult, and knowing what I do about the people in the book, I can now be objective over the entries, and it's sad to note that I didn't have very many good friends, however there were the few and far between. I guess that's what makes them good friends and the others merely attention whores, merely boasting on how good of a friend they are rather than wishing others well.
I'm not bitter though, just enlightened. Made me realize what I thought I had and now know what I did have instead. I'm grateful that I'm no longer that age, going through that same BS. I'm very happy as an adult, even if there are bills to pay and responsibilities to take.
