Today is national To Write Love On Her Arms day.

This day definitely holds a special place in my heart. If you're not familiar with TWLOHA, here's the description from the group on facebook.

"To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery."

For a long time, just before I moved here and sometimes still to this day, I battle with self-injury. Even if I haven't done it in a while, it will always still be in the back of my head. I started when I was probably 12 or 13. I have no idea how I had heard about it/knew what "cutting" was. It just, one day, happened. I started off small with a few knicks on my wrists, nothing too serious. It probably got worse once I found out that I was moving away from the place where I'd called home for 8 years. I kind of spiraled into my own, dark thoughts for a while. To this day I'm not sure if I've fully recovered from that. I used to keep blades and anything that would get the job done with great ease, inside my diary. Eventually, my mom found it, which therefore turned everything into a bigger ordeal. Not only did I hate her, but I hated myself. I had all these emotions that were virtually new to me, and I really couldn't wrap my mind around them. My only release ended up being self-injury, or cutting. I moved from my wrists to my legs. Mainly my upper thighs. We moved here, and it just got worse. I moved to my shoulders. My shoulders are the worse. I call them my battle scars because they will be there for the rest of my life. They're pretty bad. I've never gotten stitches, but I probably should have on at least one. Well, once I ended up making friends, I found out that some of my other friends also cut, which was actually a relief to me and I know it shouldn't have been. It was just nice to know that I wasn't the only one out there with this kind of twisted way of releasing my feelings. For a while I had stopped, but there was a website where people would post pictures of the harm they'd inflict on themselves along with poetry, or stories. It is sickening for me to think about, but when I got the urge to cut, I would just go look at what other people had done and it would almost make me feel a little better. Not that rush that I was used to, but I have no idea how to explain it other than that. I thought about suicide a lot before I moved here, as well. I had come up with a full letter and everything, but no solid plan of how to actually go through with it. It is still present in my mind, more so than I would like it to be. I know mine isn't a traumatic story, but it is still mine, nonetheless and I am always going to carry around the scars and memories with me.

Keep on keepin' on.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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...why the hell it means so much to me.


Ah, love that song :)

Hello all! Today, totally uneventful. It was cold. It was wet. It was just gross. If it had been about 20 degrees colder, it would have been snowing and I would NOT be complaining right now :D I MIIISSSS the snow so much that I'd probably be out in it all day until it melted (like it always does).

So, I'm kind of weary about this new medicine I'm getting. It's called Topamax (I believe that is how you spell it) but basically, it's anti-seizure medication, haha. Uh, I have terrible migraines a lot. I was on Indomethacin for taking the pain away, but it never seemed to work. This is like, preventing migraines. It's also a mood suppressant and helps a little with weight loss. Which the last two, I'm kind of interested to see how they'll work. I've never been on any kind of mood suppressant before. Although I've been told I need to be on one, and lately I've been starting to agree. My moods usually change hour to hour anymore. It's pretty annoying. The weight loss thing will be pretty nice, considering I've tried everything in the book to lose weight. I've been walking a lot more, which is nice. I love to walk (except in this stupid weather).

So, if anyone knows anything about Topamax or has taken it, give me some feedback?

Buh. I'm just going to go jam out to some Dave Mathews Band, Rusted Root and Rilo Kiley.

Keep on keepin' on!

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Tonight was unexpectedly amazing! My friend told me she had a free ticket to go see Matisyahu, but had no one to go with. I never have money, but she offered to pay, as long as I can pay her at least half back. So I got ready in like, 2 minutes and she was pulling up. Kind of got lost on the way, but that is not important.

If you're unaware who Matisyahu is, think Jewish Reggae. Like, if Bob Marley was Jewish, kind of. It it just amazing. He was so chill, but when he got pumped, he really got pumped. He ended up crowd surfing and everything, lol. If you like 311, Sublime or any one of the Marleys, you should really listen to him. He is just awesome. He can also beat-box REALLY well. So. Freaking. Cool.

It's like, midnight right now and I have class tomorrow. I'm going to need a pot of coffee tomorrow if I want to make it through Philosophy and Ethics.

:D

Keep on keepin' on!

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You know what I love doing during cold weather, besides going outside to enjoy the weather and then come in to have some hot tea or hot chocolate?
You could say I almost like this... better than that :O

See, I'm the type of person that always goes barefoot. Always. I hate shoes, socks, anything that restricts my feet (weird, right?) Well, I do. But when it gets cool outside, my feet get FREEZING. So, I have these like.. slipper socks? They're not slippers, but they're too thick to be regular socks.
Anyhow, the thing I love to do, and I only do it when its cold because its the only time I wear socks around the house, is get a nice running start and
SLIIIIIIIIIIDE down the hallway to get to the computer room :P

or, just generally slide to get anywhere in the house. That is the beauty of having all hardwood floors/tiles in the kitchen and living room :) We didn't have that back in Illinois.
I always feel about 6 when I do this, and it feels so amazing, I swear. That, and a mix of Tom Cruise from Risky Business xD

Next time you have socks on, or whatever, on a hardwood/tile floor try it. Especially if you haven't done it in forever or not ever. I laugh almost every time I do. Stupid, I know but it actually feels great to be immature every so often!

Oh man, as soon I started typing about feeling 6, Hanson popped up on my shuffle. Now THAT is a flashback to being 6. They were my first FAVORITE band ever :D I got the cassette and everything. I was on the brink of obsession. They come around where I live a lot, but they always seem to come at the most inconvenient times. I WILL GO NEXT TIME THEY COME HERE because I would like to fulfill my childhood dream of going to see them in concert!

Wow, this blog is seriously just all over the place right now. I'm in a really good mood right now. I'm drinking some amazing sweet tea I made, listening to Hanson and we're having tacos for dinner! Yes. Life is good right about now.

Alright, question time. What weird thing do you enjoy doing? Anything at all. Hit me with your best shot!

Keep on keepin' on!

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and preferably never come back ever again when it is cold outside and do not have the proper equipment to fight you (rain boots/coat/umbrella etc). I plan on getting rain boots this weekend. This is serious business. There is nothing else in the world that puts me in a bad mood, as much as wet pants do. To me, it is the WORST feeling in the entire world, next being wet shoes and socks. However, I really don't mind the rain if I have nowhere to be. I'm all for being out in the rain, but not when I have to sit through an hour and a half class with soaked legs and feet. Not. Cool.
UGHHH.

Other than the rain, I've been in a pleasant enough mood. I've decided on talking to a councilor tomorrow about transferring and what not. I'm just ready to not live with my parents. As much as I do love them, it has long since been my time to leave the house and go be out on my own.

There really isn't a whole lot else that is going on right now. I'm just trying to blog every day. It has been helping my mood and helping me to remember things, which is a change of pace, haha.

I'm sure I'll have more to talk about later, but I'm just so damn tired right now. Stupid rainy days making me tired!

Keep on keepin' on!

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