and being that it is my journal, I can write what I want to write...and if I wanna complain and whine...I can do that...got a problem with it, don't read it.

well, today was an ok day...I had fun...played pool n hide and seek at Wal-Mart...but, I messed my chances up with Tony completely...but it's ok...I wouldn't date him anyways...

I miss you Ryan...I hope thing's are ok with you...I worry about you all the time...

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I try and pretend like I don't care, like I'm ok...like I'm angry and not hurt...but I'm hurt. I wanna die. I wanna scream and pull someone's hair and hit 'em and just cry...but I really am ok. I'm holdin back from crying, even tho I have this feeling that us being friends is a big lie...he doesn't want anything to do with me...we're over, he's done with me. ::sigh:: pain, here come the tears...I can feel it, I'm going to be ok tho. It'll be different...not having him to run to...not knowing he'll be there for me...I'll be ok.

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...when someone tells me they know how I feel. Excuuuuuse me, but have I ever told you, 'I know how you feel'? nooo, I haven't because everyone feels and reacts differently to different situations. For ex, normally when someone gets dumped, they mourn and pout about it for awhile and feel sad...not me. I get angry. I think about all the lies I’ve heard and the fake ‘forevers’ n I feel angry. I think about the shitty, ‘I’ll love you forever,’ n I get angry…not sad…jus downright angry. I get angry at myself for believing it and I get angry at the guy for feeding me such lies…which I now believe were jus to get in my pants. Amazing how stupid we can be when we think we’re in love with the greatest man alive and when it comes right down to it, you're in love with the best fucking actor alive. I'm not sad, I'm angry. Maybe this is phase one of getting the fuck over him, or maybe I just really am angry...but, I know deep down I wanna cry n scream and my hearts been ripped to a thousand tiny pieces and each conversation with him rips it more...it's amazing what words can do...and sometimes, it's amazing how much you can understand and hurt from the thing's they didn't say...

I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm sad, and I'm annoyed...I am full of hate.

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Yah know, after considering my choices, I've realized I am not going to be sad about this. Ryan hasn't shed one tear, why should I? I'm going to have fun and not worry about him anymore. I mean, I'll always worry about what he's going to do next and if he's ok, but I'm not going to worry about what's going to happen between him and I now. Only time will tell, and I have all the time in the world. All the time in the world.

I have a feeling that this breakup hurts so badly because it's more then just Ryan that I am forced to leave...it's his family too. I absolutely adore them and his house is my favorite place to be in the world because it's so comfortable and everything...and now, I have to leave that behind too. *Deep breath* I am stronger then this...I really am. I'm ok...I guess I just have to be grateful for the last year of my life...

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It's so much freaking fun. I love the month of October and the toilet papering and stuff. It's freaking awesome. :) I can't wait till actual Halloween to go with you guys again...hopefully, maybe.

On to a...different...note, Ryan's being mean. He breaks my heart n then think's he has the right to be a dickhead to me? Somehow, it shouldn't work that way...well, I'm actually coping pretty well with this break-up, I haven't cried very much or anything...I'm going to miss him tons...and his awesome family so much, but I guess I'll deal, been thru worse...cried more. Life goes on. Stop hurting me Ryan!

Odd, lately I've been having these dreams about someone from my past, it's...scary, but I think I kinda like 'em...idk, maybe I'm jus...not really with it right now...but I miss him.

I feel pain...time to go lay down n try and pretend like we're not hurting. =)

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Yah know, it's bullshyt and I'm sick of it. It's just over, no need to tell me...no need for me to tell him, we're thru. I'm sicka hurting. I'm sicka him hurting...I wanna have fun...n that's why tonite, I'm going to go have some reeeeal fun with a bunch of great looking guys. we're going to have a blast...I love going toilet papering.

I wish I was a little kid again...for real. I mean, today I was talking to my lil sister n she was telling me about her bf Travis who she's been with for over a year...and he doesn't care if other guys call her. He tells her he loves her and doesnt get upset if she doesn't say it back. When he kisses her, he always asks her first. ::sigh:: and she's never cried over him once...I wanna be lil again. Love is so...pure, and sweet...innocent almost.

Well, I gotta head outta here or else I'ma be late...8=) Weee!

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