你知道么?我被那个夏令营接受了。It's kinda weird, actually... For some reason I'd always known I'd get in, somehow, and when I got the phonecall to say I'd been accepted it was another Deja Vu... In fact, so far my life has been a pretty big deja-vu... It's so weird.

Haha I think this will be the first non-private English-dominant blog.

Anyways, I was very happy when I got the place; was really excited... I'm so excited to be going back ^_^ A little disappointed at G's "Cool, well done =]" attitude when I told her immediately over the phone, but I don't mind, because I know she was going through a few issues of her own and wasn't in the best of moods, besides, I know how it takes her at least a day or so to absorb info like this to be really happy about it so I'm not worried; I do think she's truly happy that I'm going too ^_^

That being said, I really can't wait now <333 Yay! It's a shame she didn't say I got in earlier though; the group on Facebook about it is rather dead now so no one really said hi to me =/ But it doesn't matter: just makes meeting them in person and finding out about them in person more fun! ^_^

Hm... now that I've been accepted, kinda makes my previous post unnecessary, but I still wrote it, even though I'd known I'd be accepted, I guess I just wanted to get the feelings out at that moment in time. I'll still keep it, for reference, but I don't think anybody should read it. G, if you want to read it, I'll give you the password.

How did I know I was going to be accepted? I'm not sure... just this gut feeling. God is with me; he knew I really wanted to go, I asked him to let me get in, and therefore, I knew I'd finally get in, even if I couldn't at first. It's weird... but I just knew... Hence my life has been Deja Vu lately. I also can guess what grades I'm going to get in August... I'm going to still work hard though... Starting tomorrow >_< Ugh, I have done no work this week and I feel terrible, but I'm not worried... God is with me. =]

There was a week or two I went through major depression about various things, 大部分都跟Ｇ有关系, but it's all sorted now, and I'm really, really happy ^_^

I feel rather sorry for P, though... 他喜欢上了我... 　虽然跟他说了我满花心的，可他还是希望能改变我，能让我爱上他…　有一段时间，我还真的不知道是不是爱上了他，但不过几个星期，他做了一件烦死了我的事。

虽然他helped me through my depression, 可是我realised他喜欢我远远超过我喜欢他。他以为喜欢我，等我，我就会回报他的感情... 　但一点都不是那样的。I prefer to like guys first. If they like me first it just makes things awkward.

何况他做了一件事使我当时非常讨厌他。那事，就是我最需要他的时候，当时in a state of panic的时候，找他来安慰我，可他却不在。我认了。我知道不可能有一个人会每时每刻在你需要他的时候会在那里等着你，lending you a shoulder to cry on. It's not possible, especially online, they could be away; they could be away eating dinner at that very moment you needed them most.

That's where P was. I didn't mind that he wasn't there for me to rant at when my computer crashed and I'd lost so much work that was due in tomorrow (final deadline) that I'd spent hours on. What really pissed me off was that afterwards, when I'd finally calmed down and was desperately getting on with my work, he got back and wouldn't shut the eff up and just let me get on with my work. It was around 10pm and I still had loads of work to finish.

I'm the type of person who; if you want to be with me and have pissed me off that badly, there's no chance in ever that I would still be with you. Especially if I'm not even with you in the first place and I don't love you in that way yet.

I expect the person who I want to be with to know me so well that they can guess what I'm feeling before I tell them; they can know how to react around me and know what I'm like before I need to say so... That's why I'm waiting for my "The One"--the one whom I will have an instant connection with, the one who's perfect for me, who God has chosen for me: my soulmate. I know he's out there somewhere.

还有，我如果常见不到一个人我会渐渐的不在喜欢他了。有可能，我以前爱过一个人，因为虽然我见不到他还是只会想他，想地让我都哭过。只有朋友一次有一次的告诉我， "他不值得，忘掉他吧" 　我才把他给忘了，可那年中，我终究没有喜欢过别人。

But maybe that was only because of the vow G made me make? I don't know... There were other guys I could have potentially liked, and probably thought about that too... but I don't know; I don't remember anymore...

I wouldn't have gone out with him, though, I don't think, yet I went out with H. And I said I'd never date anyone I don't love. Does that mean I loved H? I don't know. It was different to how I felt with B though. I cried when B left...

I cried for hours.

I only dropped a few tears when H and I broke up, yet I think that was more empathy rather than the whole 'I've lost my boyfriend'-depression/sadness? I don't understand. Have I ever been in love properly?

Haha so weird, I wasn't intending on talking about love, yet somehow I got to that topic. Rather amusing that that's the topic G wrote about too haha XD

Hmm... Anyways, about G... I'm really glad we sorted everything out ^_^ I think that was our second large argument, and our largest argument ever (even though there was no shouting involved, it was hella scary).

I never thought I'd come that close to losing my best friend... x_x

To be honest, P is my best friend too, yet for some reason, I didn't feel so upset that I might have lost him... because I know I probably wouldn't lose him... He asked me how I really felt about him and I told him I hadn't really thought about it lately because of everything that's happened... He said this one line... "I guess I'm just not important enough."

I replied, "As a best friend, you are up there in importance. As a potential boyfriend, you are at the bottom of the importance scale." And I realised it was true. I've never put 'potential boyfriends' very high up on the list. They just make things awkward and I don't really want anything to do with them unless I liked them first and like them more.

I guess I've just always wanted my life to be like a manga; I start off liking the guy more, then, soon, the guy is touched and realises he begins to like me back the same amount or a little bit more etc etc (usually happens with some catalyst i.e. other guys hitting on me or something of the sort), but I don't know if that actually exists. I'm still waiting for it to happen; I will make it happen...

Although I've come to realise: real life is so different from manga, but I'm still waiting for that guy who will make my heart pound and beat faster at the mere thought of him...

I also realised, I can't tell P everything anymore... It's so weird, that I've always been closer to G yet I've never been able to tell her everything immediately, and yet with P, I was able to tell him everything yet in the end still not feel as upset that I might lose him as a best friend?

I think it's because G was the first person to befriend me--properly befriend me. I was very much a loner before I met her; I'd have friends by association (i.e. at school), but they were only friends at school, or friends at wherever, never really going out to town with me-type friends.

So since G was the first person to pull me out of my lonely solitude and let me actually have fun, she became extremely important to me? I think by people's importance, she comes straight after my family.

Hm, I guess I've just always been very grateful to her for being my friend ^_^ I can't remember if I've ever told her before; I'm pretty sure I have, but that doesn't matter... Either way, she'll probs read this post anyways and will get the message from there >D

She was always scared of losing close friends... She said she isn't any more, because she realised it's not possible to not lose them; people go their separate ways, and then there's no room in their life for you anymore. I don't think we'll ever lose each other though ^_^ I've moved away for two years, and even though there was that period where we were to losing each other, we still pulled through and are still really good friends...

有惊无险 =] And I think after that, I realised, I can't lose her as a friend, I definitely don't want to, and therefore, I definitely won't =] I don't think it'll be right to adopt the whole 'if they still want to be friends then I'll still be friends with them' attitude when it comes to her, otherwise we'd probably definitely lose our friendship XD

Anyways... I'm not sure if there's any more to say now =3 Omw. I just realised, tonight I was supposed to Warwick Arts Centre to see something with my drama group for my Drama exam... But I completely forgot as I was in the middle of tidying my room (which, the floor can now be seen =O XD)...

But I'm not worried, because I have plenty of productions I can write about =] Plus God is with me, so I'm not worried ^_^ I think since I completely forgot, he meant for me not to see, or didn't think it was important that I saw that particular production =]

I think it's more important for me to get all these feelings out of me first; to finally complete this blog entry. I'd actually started it earlier on, and wrote half of it, but there was a thunderstorm outside, and my old computer ended up frying because of it (there was actually sparks coming from the back of the computer, since lightning had struck really close to our house and... yeah... that computer has been broken ever since. We couldn't even turn it on properly).

So I saved the entry onto a Word document and went off immediately. I'm not taking that risk again.

It's so weird... I'm so weird... Life's so weird...

I want to find my "The One". I wrote a post in my public blog about it, but people are saying how that kinda guy doesn't exist, especially on my Facebook note.

That's not true. Just because they aren't the guy of my dreams doesn't mean he's not out there somewhere, waiting for me, searching for me too. I mean, for all they know he could have written a list similar to that, listing all my qualities, and all his friends telling him a girl like that doesn't exist either.

If I can exist, than surely my guy equivalent can. There has got to be at least one guy in the world like that.

I don't believe I'd have to dumben myself down to find a guy better than me, whom I can look up to and fall in love with. I'm certainly not the smartest person I know, and I know for definite that there are people better than me. So since I have all of those qualities (apart from the sport/fit body and height), why on earth can't another have all of them and more, too?

I won't give up searching.

Actually, I think I might have to start searching in Germany, since the guy doesn't seem to exist in England XD If it's a Chinese guy in Germany, chances are he'll be able to speak all three languages and more fluently XD They learn English there anyways; it's compulsory. And at the school that my exchange partner goes to, you have to take up Spanish or French too. So... fingers crossed!

Surely there's a Mandarin Chinese in Germany who takes English and Spanish =]

OMW I have got to ask her to look out for me ;)

I do love her to pieces already! <333 ^_^ God is so good to me... Seriously, every day, I can feel his protection over me... I love Him so much. If I didn't have God, I would have killed myself long ago. I'm not joking. I've tried suicide before.

I don't want your sympathy, or your opinions on suicide etc, I have my own opinions about it and I don't need sympathy, I have become a very strong person through God. Besides, this is my private blog just to get down my thoughts and feelings and what I'm feeling at the moment, and that topic just came up. And I won't write in Chinese just to hide my past in case you think I'm trying to get attention, those who think I am: I'm not even expecting you to read this blog. This blog is for me only, and friends if they want to/can read it.

Anyways... Yeah, I've tried suicide before. Maybe it's because I was a coward, that I couldn't go through with it in the end, and maybe I was afraid of the pain, but thinking back, I think it was God, putting a hand on whatever sharp object I was slicing my wrists with, and slowly pulling it away, and embracing me, telling me to calm down; that he wants me to live.

At one point, I had nothing to live for. I had barely any friends, I wasn't happy at school, I was a horrible, horrible person, but God changed me... I'm not afraid of death anymore. I was, at one point, when I wanted to kill myself so badly. I'm not afraid anymore, because I will be with my Heavenly Father. And now that I'm not afraid, I no longer want to die.

Another reason I didn't kill myself back then, I guess, was because I knew I wouldn't be able to be with God if I did. He wouldn't accept me any longer... Suicide is murder of self: a very, very large sin.

God tells us to respect ourselves and not to murder... To suicide would be breaking both rules simultaneously, and sin so deeply, how could he ever let us into his Kingdom when we've done such wrong?

Then, not long after, he put G by my side.

For the first time in a long time, I was so, so happy. I didn't want to die anymore. I wanted to thank God so much for my first ever bestest best best friend in the whole wide world =]

I'd had best friends before... Jenny, Mae, Lisa, when I was younger... Jenny was Chinese, although we were 'best friends' we'd had a weird relationship. She was an older sister to me; so wise, but she was 2 yrs older than me... We thought differently...

And we'd often say "We're best friends yet worst enemies" and confuse people. It confused me too, but I thought it was funny; it was our little saying, therefore it was funny and amusing and I'd say it.

For Lisa... I dunno. She was one of the 'popular' people... she'd often just leave without me and go off on her own, she didn't stand beside me. I don't know if I could call her much of a best friend. Looking back in my mini-diary, I'd cried many times because of her.

Mae was a really, really good friend. She always stood by me... but she was English, so many Chinese traditions and aspects of our culture that she didn't understand... We'd go to each other's houses and play, but I dunno... We'd lost contact when I moved =(

I was a horrible child when I was younger: so up myself and seriously looked down on others, and on top of that I was very violent, I really rarely had friends... I had friends by association... many of those, but no real friend friends.

Except for Mae and Jenny.

When I'd moved, it was awful for me. When I moved, I understood the meaning of suicide. I was old enough to then. I was 9-10 yrs old... I can't remember when the first time I got so depressed was... Was I about 11?

I was bullied so badly when I was younger and I didn't know how to retaliate. Teachers rarely did anything about it, and it was always me who got the worse end of the battle. I fought a losing one every time, and I was weak.

Sigh... I'm going to put that all behind me now. Once and for all. It's over, it's the past. The past can never be changed, and is not meant to be changed. I learnt a lot from my past. I did an 180º turn when I became a proper Christian, and when I met G I changed more, mostly all for the better, some aspects... Well... that's a matter of opinion XD

I can't remember when I properly became Christian though, but it was quite a few years ago. I remember going to Cliff College (a Christian retreat) when I was around 7-ish. That was when I was first really, really touched by God, but the retreat was only 3 days long. After that 3 days, God and I drifted.

I went again in the year 2000, that I remember (I saw a photo XD) and again quite a few times... Each time with renewed faith when I got there, but slowly disappeared afterwards. When did I properly become Christian? I'm really not sure. Somewhere along the line, I'd given my life to God.

And it was the best move I'd ever made =]

I don't understand why there are so many anti-Christs nowadays. Do they have no life? Spending their whole time hating so many people? Why would you do that--dedicate your life to being against people? It's kind of lame.

Isn't it hard to hate, too? I don't hate anyone... I might say I do as a slip of the tongue, but I think as a Christian, I can't actually bring myself to hate anyone. Strongly dislike, sure, but to actually hate takes too much effort.

Isn't it hard, to always see the person you 'hate', and always have an argument whenever you're around them? Don't so many arguments tire you out? Isn't it horrible to have a place you just can't go or somewhere you can't sit because the person you hate is always there and you just cba to deal with them?

Must be tiring, ne? =3

If you think it's hard to love your 'enemies'... No, I don't actually think it is. There's good in everyone, but just for some, you gotta search a little deeper to find it, but it's there. It's there.

Besides, I read a saying somewhere, probably around my school (our head of Sixth Form put up loads of sayings everywhere dotted around the walls), but really, it's very true, so I'll leave you with a message to contemplate:

"Think about those you call your enemies... then figure out what they should call you."

L8r,

��Kuriח

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刚读完G的blog。她把我们的故事写成一种特别的analogy。把我们的故事形容地太准确了。不知道为什么...　刚才边读边落泪。这几天哭地好多啊。也不清楚何时开始掉泪的，只知道读到一半就感觉到自己的眼睛里的水增加了，脸蛋也湿了。

可能是读地时候发现自己的错处吧？或读到她的真感情让我感动？或发现她其实是需要我的，其实还是想一生一世做朋友，就只在在等我而已。等我回到她身边，一起走未来的路。

我发现我好自私，没想到她的感想，不想我的所为会不会伤到她，只是想尽办法让她能给我一个回应，一个答案：她到低是需要我的，就算是说点儿小谎，让她感到小小的嫉妒，只要她能告诉我，我对她很重要，她想让我陪伴她，永远的陪伴她，我就心满意足了。

她以前从来都是对她不是超大的问题她死也不肯说。好多次，我想试探她对我的需要，可能是伤到她可不知道，因为她不肯说，把一切都当作无所谓，或，只要我乐意就随便我怎样都行。

这种reaction是让我觉得她是不是不care？竟然如此，何不也adopt这样的态度呢？

可我明知她不喜欢被逼但还是要试探她...　我这个朋友是怎么当的呢？有可能是刚才读到她的blog，找到了我所求的答案...　就哭了起来...

好了，我现在得赶紧追further maths coursework。本来要吃完饭就做，可跟Ｇ聊完了很想blog，就没办到。星期三是final deadline。我要赶紧啊。

L8r,

��Kuriח

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