mood: like an elephant

I hate feeling this way...when you think your own body has expanded like a balloon. And you just feel sick and disgusted when looking at yourself in the mirror and pictures. I'm having one of those phases at the moment. :/ Even though my friends tell me 'you have lost weight', it sounds sooo untrue...about the way I see myself. I don't want to go back to that low self-esteem girl again..

It must be because I have not been to the gym in 9months! When 2 years before I had been going consistently. I'm thinking of joinin up again, but just thinking of how hectic my life is already...I could only fit my workouts during lunch. Funny how I rant about how appearance isn't the most important aspect of the person, yet I wish it for myself. It's terrible, but the truth in this world - looking more appealing attracts more opportunities. :/ How shite is that? But does looking nice really make you happy? hmmm...

I had a busy weekend. Had a 19th on friday & a 21st on Sat. Father's day on sun, and I'm just buggered. :/ Imagine me bouncing around again...hehe after all these months of being a granny. To join the gym or not to join? That is the question..

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I wish people weren't so "false nice" to each other, but they should tell each other the truth when meeting for the first time. It eliminates all the false barriers. My work mate and I agree that ppl should just say it how it is...and not bullshit, cuz it will only make things worse in the future. When the initial perception of someone is not the real deal, it tends to disappoint. I realise that I am not my 100% self when meeting ppl face on. If they knew me they would probably find me to be a bitch. I can be introverted, perfectionist, controlling, workaholic, argumentative, blunt, sarcastic, emotional, hard, cold, impatient...I could go on but I won't hehe.

My current conversations lately have been with guys and ladies about meeting the 'right one', a lot of the time they say they want the other half to love them for who they are. They are all their straight forward 'unfavourable' qualities at the beginning of their r'ships. I reckon I was upfront with my 2nd rship, I gave F my weaknesses and he was ready to deal with them. As for my first bf, it was kept very "polite".

So in a way...being polite in the first instances of the rship the other person does not get to know the 'real you', therefore setting up a failure in future of the rship. It is good to be upfront about yourself...prepares the other half, opens up communication. But if the person is not ready to cop whateva you dish out about yourself, they are not worth being with. Cuz some ppl can be ignorant, judge you immediately and not strong enough to make it work.

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listening to: my love for you - the game

Thanks to Jen's sweet comments, I decided to perm my hair. I am now known as 'curly' at work. hehe. I know my last entry was a total contradiction about having a nice appearance...but if you guys know me...you know I am a shape changer when it comes to my hair - meaning I get urges to change it every now and then, cuz of my fluctuating personality hehe. Here are some pics..let me know what you think and BE HONEST!


BEFORE


AFTER

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mood: narky

Why are ppl so afraid of showing their real selves to the closest ppl they love. When they are the ppl that you place your deepest love and trust in. I find that I cannot talk to my family about certain topics and even keep quiet about it within conversations with my best friends and my boyfriend. They often get frustrated at me cuz they have no idea what I am thinking...but they get the vibe of how I am feeling. It's funny cuz I can tell random ppl how I feel, like over the net...those friends who are on the other side of the world...even to common folk who I do not associate as much. I feel that by getting a external perspective of myself from others least closest to me, they will not place me in a mould.

You can often find comfort in strangers, who give you a glimpse of their life and of their thoughts, and they teach you something you dont know as yet. I love my family, bf and friends but sometimes it is good to be alone from ppl who 'know you'. In actual fact I dont want anyone to 'know me'...I want to keep a lil of myself to me... :)

At work, the guys are gossiping about me and interested to know me. I get teased everytime I go to work! But I get peeved off by the fact that they would not want to know me 5 yrs ago, when I was in highschool. Image is such a BIG thing now a days. Even though I look after my appearance it does not ultimately rule my life. And it is not the most important reason to get to know a person. It just gets on my nerves when girls' only aim in life is to be stick thin, be on the cover of a magazine and marry a rich husband to take her on shopping sprees. Hmm...and I am referring to someone in particular...but i wont say hehe...

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mood: mid-week thoughts
listening to: Never meant to fail - alex lloyd

I was just on the bus today...and as the bus's wheels turn round and round so does my mind for some reason! Everytime I am on the bus I have my earphones in my ear (music blasting away)...sometimes I mouth the words secretly when ppl are not watching, hehe and just think. I find that this world moves by sooo quickly! And everything that we are creating, inventing and developing today is too make us move quicker.

I can just imagine us in another decade, we will be as quick as ants! hehe. It's so crazy how the music is getting faster too... cars faster, internet faster, transport faster. And it is killing our value of time. Which explains why many of us who are working at the moment feel as if we cant sit still. Even on the weekend I am doing things, when I was a kid I was happy to chill out, draw and cycle around my neighbourhood. Long gone are those days of slow-mo.

In a way I luv the fast life...I like being active and being challenged mentally and physically. Surprisely...how we can adapt to constant change better than those of earlier generations. It's nuts! Even the way some ppl speak, blows me away! Like this telephone banking person, they were so zippy, I couldnt help but laugh at them. Sometimes I sound like those ppl too...as if they are constantly on fast forward...funny.

I am dreading the next yr when I turn 22, it's coming too fast... and I am not yet prepared for the next decade! Too late I guess. I'm the youngest person in my office and the seniors can already predict my future..forver working in the public service haha. At least one lady said she can see me as an executive, which is something to aim for. I think our generation Y should have that thinking...of being able to achieve anything..esp since we get most of our knowledge from the master 'internet'. ;) I hope this aussie culture will change too...from the 'tall poppy syndrome' (cut them down when they grow higher than the rest) to the 'american dream' (well...hopefully just the good aspect of it, being entrepreneurial).

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