HAPPY BE-LATED --yesterday-- BIRTHDAY NIKKI G. AND NATHAN H.!

so hmmm..today was another day. i got my grades. and surprisingly..well kind of ((well more esp. computers)) my grades weren't that bad. the typical A's and B's. and since it's a progress report i ges u dont hafta kno not that u prolly even care. but im still mad cuz frikken mr. orphanos gave me a B in citizenship. what an ass. wtf did i do?! or is what DINT i do?? but why did i get a B?! i think i deserve a frikken A! but at least i have a B in scholarship. but i still needa turn all that other work in. i'll turn it in on monday fesho. and i hope he accepts it still. he better!

i dint getta see wha i got in my math test unfortunately. how bakla. i wanted tah see my grade cuz i felt like i did hella gOod on that! cuz i actually studied for that shiit ok! STUDIED! i did problems from the damn TEXTBOOK! so i better get like a 99%! cuz there was one i really had trouble with. butchea. ergh. man and ms. v dint finish "grading" our "Beauty" essays. gawdamnit! whas wrong wit teachers these days huh?! hah.

well i ges i been feelin better. ges that one day i jes lost it n was hella PMSin. but that's not to say that there isn't a day i truly feel that way. becuz there ARE days wen im NOT PMSin and i feel that way. i feel that way a lot of days. but i ges it shows more wen im on my rag. and as i was riding the bus today afterschool i realized that..I DONT REALLY KNOW HOW TO BE MYSELF ANYMORE. that girl i used to be has slowly disappeared. i dont kno why or how. well maybe i do. but all i kno is..is that..i dont think i'm ever really myself ne more. and i kno it's usually gOod to think b4 u speak but i mean..i think it's beginning to affect the way i act. and it's not that i'm being totally fake. but it's not the tru me. cuz i ges i try to make the other person..happy..or somethin..and i dont wanna look stupid or ne thin. and i also have become more quieter. and i kno a lot of ppl will be like "well weren't u always quiet??". and well that jes goes tah show how much u DON'T kno about me. cuz b4 i wasn't totally quiet. i mean i was an active person. of course i was shy wen i was around ppl i dint kno. i mean i wouldnt even talk! i'd wait for them to talk to me 99% of the time! and i still do that. but now i think it's becoming worse. i feel that I'VE BECOME MORE OF AN OBSERVER. not to be confused wit a stalker wit a starin problem it's jes..i noticed that a lot of wha i do is jes watch ppl. cuz i can't fit in wit dem cuz i'm not like them. i dont even KNO what i'm like ne more. i kno WHAT i like. but i dont kno WHO i really am. sumtimes there are days wen i AM myself but still those days are rare. cuz ev'ryday i try not to make myself look like a fool. IT'S SO HARD TO EXPLAIN but this is the best i can do.

so jes for that lil insight of what's going on in my mind. but i ges ima go eat now & do other stuff. see yah later.

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The diminishing face
i dont wanna be selfish
but i dont wanna make anyone happy
the hapiness inside me has disappearead
and it left me all alone
i'm surrounded by ppl that can no longer make me smile
they dont understand how i feel
they can't see it in my eyes
i wanna be left alone
with some1 who understands
someone who knows how i feel
someone who went thru the same thing i did
everyday my feelings are crushed
when i see their emotionless faces
and agen i feel alone
i try to make them laugh
and i try to make them happy
but ev'rything fails in the end
and nothing falls thru
i just can't make them smile
cuz i can't even make myself smile
no1 can see the pain in my heart
when they look at me with a stupid face
when they seem like they just dont care
now i look with a solemn face
with a tint of sadness
i show no smiles
it's not how i feel
and i hope they get the point.


it all came to me during 5th per. b4 the test. i made another one after the test but i dint really get to finish it. the test was easy btw. studying really payed off. i'm glad. today i started my rag. maybe that can explain my flooding of fluctuating emotions. but nobody knows. about my emotions. my one class of joy for bein "higher" than others has diminished. well whatever. these cramps are startin tah kill me. dontchu hate it wen it makes u feel like u needa take a shiit?

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTINE H.!!! u kno i would NEVER FORGET! cuz yeno i got MADD LOVE for yahh!

i jes received sum sad news an old elementary classmate of mine named LEE SMITH passed away last saturday i believe. cuz sum GIRLS did a DRIVE-BY. dude that is sum CRAZY ASS !!

well today i did sum HARDCORE STUDYING this time i actually studied for math. i mean i REALLY studied! i actually did sum problems from the textbook ok! that F was a wake up call. but i kno how tah do it now! gotta be EXTRA CAREFUL wit those damn signs!

and i found out sum grades....24/27 ppl in my history class are failing but guess what I'M ONE OF THE 3 THAT PASSED! i gotta B!! fukk yes! and i have an A+ in CHEMISTRY i gotta 106% hell yeh! beat that!

today i talked to CHRISTINE cuz as i sed it's her BIRTHDAY today SWEET 1SIXTEEN6...and we're gonna take SWIMMING LESSONS. yeah yeah iono how tah swim...FUK OFF! hahah. but hey at least i kno how tah FLOAT! it's better than nothin riigh! thanks to those swimming lessons from a long time ago. i think it's time i go bak. and learn to swim the real way. i dont even kno how tah stay on top of water that's like a million feet deep! i'll jes sink, drown& die. so i think i better start now b4 it's tOo late. i'm actually thinkin bowt this. it could maybe relax my mind once a week. like maybe after my piano recital at the end of the year i could take swimmin lessons agen. me AND christine'll take swimmin lessons agen. so we wont be "old" alone. we'll be old TOGETHER. hahaha. yeah.

soOoo i guesss that's it for now! see ya'll later!

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