Tuesday. 5.13.08 6:21 am he shattered my sense of security in his arms with his very on hands. Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t] Thursday. 5.8.08 8:51 pm i didnt dare touch it again ever since the other week. then i ask myself, what are you scared of? didn't want to hurt myself again? or was it that i felt it was contaminated? or did i not even want to see it anymore? i dont even know... oh well... whatever the truth may be hiding within... all i know is that sometimes its really hard to just turn a blind eye. its so hard to not care about so many things. what does he not understand? exams are getting close. mum's pressuring me as usual about my life... i hate being stuck under this roof. but im not ready to move out with him. i need more time. especially since that other week. all my effort i had put into learning to accept and trust him again just all went to waste it seems. and now, im just very cautious about everything. i dont want to be. it makes me feel like i dont believe anything he says, and always having to check and need evidence to make sure hes not lying. im NOT happy about it, its nothing really to be proud of or to speak of. i tried to put the past behind me but it doesnt just happen magically like that. its so hard. even just like today, he was on the phone with me all the way back home... i really shouldve appreciated that, but i didn't ... instead.. i started getting all paranoid and started overanalysing and thinking about why he had time to call me and stay on the phone with me, when usually... he wouldnt call me till 45 mins later and then he'd say 'oh im sorry, i had to serve people before' or something along those lines.... today, it was dead silent? was i suppose to believe that? its not even a public holiday or anything... why do i feel hes still hiding lots of things from me?
life is so unfair, i never lied to my bfs, and nor do i ever lie to him... i try my best to be a gf, i stay within my limits, i dont nag him to let me go out with friends or to go to friend's parties or anything of that sort at all... what did i ever do to deserve having them lie to me? all i want is someone to truly love me and to make me laugh and make me happy, im not asking for him to be super great looking, or rich or smart or anything... i want is that true love and loyalty.... is it that much that im asking for? do those guys exist anymore? Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t] life was not only not meant to be easy, its not meant to be fair either Friday. 4.18.08 9:25 pm money cannot buy happiness Wednesday. 4.16.08 9:36 pm i try to help him where i can... but today, he said he wanted someone to help him out so its not as tiring for himself. what was that suppose to mean? that i was of no help? hey i may not be very familiar with that industry, but dude i tell you i do heaps compared to what i'd normally do at home all in one go. what more can one expect of me? ive never washed so much dishes in my life, ive never seen such dirty water in my life, ive never seen such greasy containers and water in my life. i whinge and cringe when i see it all, but i still do it all in the end.
i sacrifice my own sleep time, getting up and out in the cold to go early to see him and help him out in the morning, but somehow i felt it was very unappreciated... it was such a gloomy wet morning, i was cold, and rather sleepy... yet i still went and did some shoppig for utensils and toiletries. all i got in return was a large sum of money put into my wallet. it didnt make me happy at all, not one bit. as a matter of fact, it upset me... it wasnt what i wanted in return. i wanted something more sentimental. something that meant something to me. all i really wanted was time to talk. i try so hard to talk to him even. its so hard to talk to him now. he's always so busy he pays 1% attention to me. a lot of the times when i talk, hes not even listening, i'll be saying one thing and the next thing he says is something totally irrelevent or hes asking me if the knife blade was sharp enough while i was telling him something totally different.
i feel like im talking to myself... i may as well go talk to the wall, might get more out of that even. the only time he ever pays attention to what i say is if im saying some shit about a guy at school or something... well, i suppose at least he cares about that.
someone tell me what i can do. its driving me nuts. im so tired from uni, when i go there to help him, i really do wish he'd talk to me or somehow show that he cares. i always end up crying to myself. the other day, i just couldnt hold it in anymre, i felt like scrap, like a piece of rag thrown around anywhere and just picked up and used when im needed... i bursted into tears on the spot, i tried so hard to distract myself and hold the tears in, but i couldnt help it. my tears wouldnt obey me. sometimes i even try to just push all my own issues aside and think of other stuff, happy, or try to make jokes with him and stuff, just to surpress all my own problems till i get home. i know hes tired and all, and i dont even know what to do about it. im so useless.. i just whinge about my own problems, but i dont even acknowledge hes under pressure too.
i wish someone was here to tell me what to do. Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t] Sunday. 4.13.08 9:13 pm .-- .... -.-- / -.. .. -.. / .. / .... .- ...- . / .- / ..-. .-.. .- ... .... -... .- -.-. -.- ..--.. / .-- .... -.-- / -.. --- . ... / .. - / -- .- -.- . / -- . / ... -.-. .- .-. . -.. / - .... .- - / .. - / -- .. --. .... - / .... .- .--. .--. . -. / .- --. .- .. -. ..--.. / .-- .... -.-- / -.. --- / .. / .-- .- -. - / - --- / -.-. .-. -.-- ..--.. Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t] Friday. 4.11.08 10:11 pm its so hard to let go of myself. its so hard to relax. it's always temporarily forgotten, but sometimes when i'm alone or some other source triggers it, i feel kind of shit. or i start to worry it may happen again. sometimes i just wish i could just run away from it.
exams are nearing. the anxiety is kicking in again. i don't know what to do. people expect so much of me. i have such high expectations. why do i even expect so much of myself? is this purely for myself? or to show family and guys that i'm independent and i can achieve better than them? is it for reputation? dont want to be looked down at? i dont know anymore.
so far, this year was much harder than i expected... its far more stressful than i had assumed, i get so little sleep, its the first time ever i have to control my eating habits and try not eat for a number of extra hours just to get the work done. i feel so bad for complaining, cos ts not like he gets to eat either.. as a mater of fact, he skips so many meals, including breakfast... he eats far less than me and he doesnt even complain.... its so unhealthy for him, but i dont know how to help him... im not always there to feed him or to make sure he has something to eat... i just wish he'd look after himself for me, at least it'd be one less thing for me to worry about... i hate it when people dont look after themselves... i dont want him to suffer from more serious problems later on in life just because hes not looking after himself properly, but he just never listens.. well ok, he listens but he doesnt follow what i say -.-" doesnt quite help
sometimes it can seem like life isnt as great as it can be... but life can never be perfect anyway... and there are too many good times i have with him, so i suppose i should be content... maybe its a common girl thing.. we just like to whinge and complain... i know sometimes i cant control it happening
i dont know how to do better, someone out there, teach me to be a better person Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t] Wednesday. 4.9.08 8:35 pm sometimes things just dont run as smoothly and kind of just ruin your entire week. it was only tuesday, but it had already felt like friday. i was tired and hungry. hungry to the point i felt like i had lived in a third world country for weeks. things are beginning to get a little better. at least i have access to the online homework i have to complete lol. thats a good start....
im so tired. i feel like im running 24/7. now i know how my parents had felt having to look after us kids and work at the same time. its at this age that you start to realise that money is quite important too. its so hard to save money. no matter how hard i try, my bf just seems to save faster than i do. well, yes he works full time i barely work at all, but thats kind of besides the point haha. i want to buy him something, but i cant because i dont have the money for it -.-" hmm... well, just got to keep saving i guess.
life is rather tedious. i want a rest soon. ive lost rather a lot of weight. its terrible. i cant even control it anymore, sometimes there just isnt time for food or sleep even.
sometimes i just want someone to talk to and undoubtedly, he's the first i approach, but he never seems to have the time or energy to listen to me. he works during the day, serving customers or doing something else. its such a long day he just gets tired by the time he gets home. when i talk to him, i know hes not even listening, not that its intentional, but he falls asleep. who may i ever seek for advice and just say what i want to say at any time of the day?
im tired.
i'll just shut my eyes and hold his hand and hope hes still there going through it all with me. Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t] Saturday. 4.5.08 10:00 pm all is good for now, but how long will it last?
are things really getting better? i dont want to give myself hope, i dont want to fall again, but i like things the way they are for now.
last night he said, he couldnt imagine how he would survive a day without seeing or speaking to me. was he just tired and sweet talking or did he really mean it? i dont know, but it really made me feel a whole mile more worthy than before. Comment! (0) | Recommend! | Categories: 2008 [t] | 