Let's see yesterday went pretty good. mrs. Van Allen called me in her office first thing and talked to me about ballance, and how she thinks I judge myself acording to how much I do. Yes, it's true. If I don't help anyone I feel like I'm not doing the job I'm called for. I love talking to her. She doesn't make me feel so alone. She says that I remind her of herself at times and at times that kinda scares me b/c all of she has been through. But still, when she tell me that, i think, Wow, she thinks I could be that successful later on in life, too! I wanna be a counselor b/c of her. But, on the other hand, I wanna be a teacher b/c of Mrs. Grantier. So, I decided to be a teacher until I get my degree for counseling. I know, I'm 13 years old and plan my life out to a tee. I not sure if that's a good thing, but it works for me. I love tutoring, and helping my friends with their problems. At the moment, I think I like tutoring more so. Now that I'm in NJHS I can become a Big Buddy and I can't wait!! But now, I have something to say about Mrs. Butterfly (read my Butterfly entry if you don't know who Amber is)

Well, I still haven't heard from her. In someways I still think it is over. In history class we were assigned a certain colony, and mine, of course, just had to Maryland. Where Amber moved. Uhhhh.... So many things ran through my mind. Not to mention, my X-boyfriend is my partner. uhhhhh x2. Well after History I had Engilsh!! :) YAY!!! I love English, everything about it. From the capital letter to the period at the end of each sentence, and the commas in between. haha But if you don't get the point, I love English! Mrs. G. has opened so many new doors: publishing, confidence, and so many more. But now back to Amer. I watching Ned Declassified School Surival Guide. HAHAHA Yea, i wach it. But anywho, Gues what it had to with. FRIENDS MOVING!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!

I g2g write more later, as for now HOMEWORK!!!! YAY.... NOT!

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I can't actually use the word "happy" but I'm feeling much better about myself today. It was a Beautiful day full of surprises.... Jamie B. told me she loved me, though I wish it was someone else I was happy to hear that! I wore my butterfly outfit today which put me in good spirits. Plus, Britt complimented me on it so I was all smiles :)If you are reading this Brittany, Thanks, for everything. It means a lot to me that you are there. In some aspects I wish I were you. But anyways, I just had to post a more positive entry.

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Butterflies have been giving me strength lately. Only a select few people know truly why, and the ones who do are the ones I trust. I don't feel like posting for the whole world to know and even if I did, I know people would laugh and look down upon me. My butterfly poem was resently published in the anthology, Timeless Voices. The school is going to order a copy for the library. Mrs. Stanfield also said she might put it in the paper. I'm happy but sad on the same token. I'm happy that everything has been seemingly going my way. But, on the other hand, I'm sad that Amber isn't here in Troy to share it with me. I haven't heard from her since January 19th. I sent her another email the other day. She is really like a second mom to me and I love her. I have been thinking about reincarnation a great gdeal latly. What are some of your theroies? Lately I've given a lot of thought as to what I was in a past life. I have came to one theroy I'm particuarlly fond of: That Amber and I were once seeds of a flower and grew up strong and happily attracting butterflies to our garden. What do ya think? She told me that I've "blossomed so much last year" which was by far the most spitful year of them all. But with Amber's help... I became a butterfly that has broken free. At lest that's what she told me. So, I guess I posted our butterfly secret after all. In a resent entry I entitled 10 Months Ago... referres to the worst day of my life. Actually the day before was THE worst but the 28th was the day every one I loved found out. The truth is that I'm an X-self-harmer. I used to cut myself deliberatly. I don't like to talk about it but I want everyone to know why I've been so down. Amber came into my life about this time last year... thats why I've been so "not me" I haven't cut since March 28th 2006. And June 29th was the last time I saw Amber before she moved back to Maryland. I wonder if we will ever see eachother again... So, this morning I get this email which made me think I never will again. This is what is said:

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.


It really makes me wonder... My mom tells me it can't end this way between Amber and I. She never even told me she was leaving... which hurts but yet I understand to a certain point. She didn't want me to blame myself and start cutting again. I remember the first time I did it... I was in my room almost completely dark with a pair of sissors.... shaking... with my sell phone on... the only light in the room... slicting at my young, 12 year old skin.I never wanna do it again... ever.... can anyone just give me some inspiration.... I need some... before it's too late!.!.!

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Well nuttin much going on, bored to death.... haha well i'm going to bed or something. Good night, everyone!

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Well, Ashley went home about a 1/2 hour ago and I looked at the date a couple of ahours ago and I realized that it is 10 months since the wost day of my life!! COOL rite? no!!! But anyway it feels like yesterday... but other days if feels like a lifetime. "I'm clam and I'm strong." I find myself saying over and over... but I'm still questioning if I really am. I know in my heart but my brain likes to argue a lot. Well, I have to get my shower soon and stuff so I'll write again tomorrow... the 7 month anniversary since the last time I saw Her. Buh-byez!!

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Today first thing I helped put up the volleyball net for gym class with my best friend in the world, Ashley. Afterwards, I stated tutoring Searah. After tutoring I have class :( but come lunch I'm helping Mrs. G. Semiar I'm at it again!! I helped in the guidance office and stuff with floding stuff for NJHS. I then have prep. Technology this marking peirod. I was student of the Day :) after prep I helped Mrs. G. yet again... I love her. She's amazing and, by the way, I gave her the Story!! OMG!!! Yes the one where... well... nevermind!! I got a letter from my second grade teacher today! Wowza she was amazing too! Well that's pretty much all. Write more later.

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