What do you do when the girl of your dreams comes back to you and tells you that she still loves you???...that she wants to give you a serious second chance??? well, I'll tell you what I did...I became the happiest guy alive...and I more or less gave her my heart on a silver platter. Now...two days later...she told me that the spark that we used to have together was gone for her....and that the spark was there for somebody else. She told me that the feeling of being in love should be there right away...even if we had been apart for over two months. Well, I completely disagree with this notion. I believe that when you have been away from the person that you were once in love with...it takes a little bit of time before the old feelings will come back...certainly more than just two days. Her reasoning was that no matter how long she was away from this other guy...that spark would always come back when she saw him....well, the more I think about it now...the more I think this so called spark for this guy may just be deeper feelings of lust...or just a really strong friendship...she has broken up with this guy like 4 or 5 times in the past and I believe there has to be a reason this keeps happening...she told me he lacks the stability and security that she is looking for...a car, a license, a job, etc....and that she is scared of being with somebody like that...well I hate to break it to her...but these are not just things that he is has yet to achieve...they are reflections of his personality....a lack of initiative/motivation...and don't get me wrong...I have no problem with this guy...I never even met him...it would be wrong for me to judge him...it's his life..and he can live it however he chooses...all I'm saying is...these personality traits that he has are obviously something that she does not like...and so she keeps jumping back and forth....I just do not believe life is fair at all...to be told that you are the guy that she should be with...to be told that you are the type of guy that she would always end up with...to be told that her head is telling her to be with you...but her heart is telling her something different...well, it just hurts....I know I have made some mistakes in the past...but I don't think I ever deserved this...she made me feel like a million bucks and then crushed me within a two day span...and the funniest part is (for lack of a better word)...I'm not mad at her...I guess that's what happens when you are in love....all other feelings become overpowered...oh well...I will have to accept that life just isn't fair...and that maybe one day things will be different between us...but who the hell knows anymore? I just hope she finds happiness...


sorry about the giant run-on sentence....it's weird that I'm not even scared to make this entry public...I guess I don't care about opening myself up anymore...

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Wow...I cannot believe I just turned twenty years old a few days ago....I remember when I turned thirteen, and it felt so great to finally be considered a teenager....time really does fly by. My friends helped to make my bday as enjoyable as possible. A handfull of us went to Arundel Mills to see Night At The Museum....but not before we ate some lunch/dinner at Johnny Rockets. After the movie...I drove the group of us out to AACC to just walk around the campus at night. It was really warm out (considering it's january) and I like taking walks outside at night....finally, we went back to another friend's house to watch Fearless. All in all...it was a pretty enjoyable evening. Well, that's all I have for now...still not feeling very great these days...but there are still times that I can take my mind off certain things....More to come later....

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Nothing new to report...same old, same old....only I feel worse than usual today...not sure why....*shrugs*

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So the new year has finally arrived...but to be honest with you...it does not feel like anything has changed. Maybe this is because all of the changes I went through as a person occurred in the few months before 2007.....or maybe it is because january 1st is just another day to me....a day that just happens to be given a label of '07 instead of '06. After all, that's all time is...a method of labeling used by humans so that we can feel like we have a handle on its' elapse. Without people giving a name to the days, months, and years....time passes with little to no acknowledgment. This is how I feel....each day runs into the next....the lines between one week and another are blurred to me. Sometimes I feel completely alone...even when I'm in a room full of people. Of course I know this is not true...in fact, I am lucky to have so many people to keep me company most of the time. The only problem is...no matter how great my friends and family are to me...the bottom line is....friends and family do not cure "loneliness"...and as much as I wish things were different...this is how I feel these days. Let's hope the future holds something a little more comforting....

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Wow...so Christmas is over already. All things considered, I guess I have to say I had a pretty good Christmas. I always get WAY too many gifts...but hey...I'm not complaining. I'm glad I have a good relationship with most of the people in my family. Although they are a little loud, they are still my family...and I have just adapted myself to that type of environment. For those of you who know me, you will understand what I mean when I say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I guess I am just taking the time to put down in writing how much I appreciate my family....my parents especially. They do so much for me that I feel like I forget to acknowledge. I'm trying my best to not take anything for granted these days. I will let you know how it turns out...

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The days come and go...each one running into the next. It's hard for me to distinguish the line between where one day ends and the next day begins. It is Christmas Eve already. I honestly cannot believe it......it seems like just yesterday we were celebrating Christmas '05. The year really did fly by....and for the most part...it was a great year. There are so many memories that I will keep with me for the rest of my life. The sad part is that this year is ending on the biggest down note I have ever experienced.....the truth is, I am a very lucky guy....I have so many things going for me in my life that I take for granted....great friends...great family....you name it. I find it hard to be sad when so many things are going so well. However, I would like to think that the last two months have had a major impact on my life and who I am as a person. I will never forget how much she has taught me about myself....but let's not regress. The bottom line is...I really miss you....I think I'll leave it at that.


Anyway...the more important question is...what does the future have in store? 2007 has kind of snuck up on me...and it's going to begin whether I'm ready for it or not. I must confess....it will not be starting off the way I imagined. To say I'm looking forward to the new year would not exactly be an accurate statement....although....it would not be a total lie either. As one of my favorite quotes from Vanilla Sky points out..."every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around." Let's see what 2007 has in store for me...........

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