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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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It was early morning. Everything seemed normal.. I sat behind an old neighbor friend and I was getting situated. You know, taking off my backpack taking off my jacket. Taking out some writing material and utensils. Taking out the textbook. Greeting friends who walk by and sit next to me. Then somehow I find a blue piece of lined paper in my hands. I don't know how I got it. She must've handed it to me while I was doing 5 things at once. I unfolded the blue paper and inside was written: "The condom broke!"

Major flashback to when she first told me she had lost her virginity to her boyfriend of 4 months.. but that was more than 3 months ago. She knew him longer than 4 months though and he's been very good to her. Anyone else who flies into bed that fast is very................ "spontaneous". xP

But yeah, I worry about her..

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"I'm just tired of losing people.." He tells me.

What do you say to that? I didn't know so I didn't say anything. Most of the time I said "yeah" or "mmhmm" but what kind of comfort could I give a young man going through a rough time in his life. He lost his godson and he lost his homie who was like a brother to him in a shooting. Gas station robbery. Shot in the chest and the head. Cruelty, life's special innocence removal service was at the top of it's game when this young man arrived too late. The gunshots have echoed to silence and a life dear to him had been taken before he could get there. His god son had cancer. A little boy who wanted to grow up to be like him. The little boy had kidney failure. The boy's real parents were no match but he was and so was his mother. "If only I was at the hospital.." he regrets. "In a few minutes he was gone. He couldn't hold on anymore." I heard pain taint the tone in his voice. I'm not Christian let alone religious but I wanted to tell him maybe God has bigger plans for him than to let him give his kidney to the boy. That maybe his grandson had bigger purposes to fulfill in his next life or maybe he was in his life for a shortwhile to touch his heart and teach him something. Lesson learnt: Tomorrow is never a guarantee.

And on top of that he recently broke up with his girlfriend. Poor guy.. He's carrying a lot of grief. Perhaps he's given these hardships to overcome so that he'll be strong for whatever endeavors he may encounter in the future.

Random thought//
What do you think is worse? Being raped of innocence or getting your heart broken? [[Err.. maybe this isn't as traumatizing for a guy as it would be for a girl. Not meaning to be sexist or anything ]]I think getting your heart broken is worse. Most of the time girls who were raped rise above and even though their innocence is broken they become wiser and stronger. I don't think broken hearts ever completely mend. Especially if it was real love. Not saying I can define love but let's say something that would resemble love to someone that is way more than an infatuation. I think with broken hearts they have fear to encounter the next obstacle and rape victims may be haunted but they don't let it hold them back. Instead they keep that close as a reminder to remember how far they've come and how they can overcome anything. That they're survivors and perhaps some of the broken hearted think of theirselves as victims. Just a thought.

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"Why do you choose to associate yourself with those kind of people?" - My brother.

That ^ question is running through my mind over and over again. How do I have such a .. colorful variety of friends anyway? From hardcore Christians to near gangsters. I really don't know.

That guy called last night. Let's call him Mike. "Mike" is working as a drug dealer to earn money since he is living at some homegirls place for low rent since he ran away from home. It wasn't his plan to do this but something went wrong onenight he snuck out. He was on probation so now he's got undercovers on his back. He actually got arrested the other day but was lucky enough to get off the hook.
He called last night telling me theres a girl that he's "crazy" about. I was completely fine with it. Then I found out she's been around and I said "oo.." but then I didn't want to judge her for her sex drive. And he told me how someone raped her and he wanted to kill him and that he had a gun ready and everything. And then he told me people want to jump him and some even want to kill him. And the biggest shock is that he likes this lifestyle. He's so careful on how he spends his money that he eats half a meal a day. I don't know what he's thinking. He always had a strange way of lookin at things. But he prefers this over being at home with his messed up mom controling his life. He knows his consequences but if he could he would've done this earlier. I told him, "You're only 16." but Mike said he knew and that he liked it this way.

The person I confided in told me to call the police on him. That I'd be helping him. And I know I shouldn't let it get to me and stuff but strangely it isn't and the fact that I'm not getting bothered at all from knowing he's practically in danger every day bothers me. Usually I'm a pretty motherly person (got it from my mom) but this doesn't make me lose sleep at all. I just hope he won't get caught for what he's doing and that he doesn't pull the trigger on anyone because it would be the waste of a nice guy. Maybe I would've cared if he was my boyfriend but he's not so I guess that's the good thing.

So, really now. How do these people find me? Do I really choose to associate myself with these people? And how could I call the cops on him? What kind of friend would I be? I'm going to still try to talk to him. Make some sense to him but I think calling the cops would be the biggest betrayal.

I hope this entry spaces out right. I jus saw a checkbox that said "generate line breaks" so maybe my paragraphs will be spaced out now. I have a xanga but I'm not used to the html on this thing. I would like to pretty this thing up but I don't know how. Anyone want to teach me? ._.

[[edit]]
Ok I figured it out a little bit.
The song playing is Aqualung- "Another little hole"
Tell me what do you think of the song and stuff :)

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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