I just finished watching Red Dawn, a 1984 movie about.... well, you can probably guess. Basically, the Soviets invade America with paratroopers on passenger planes. Their first target: a high school out in the middle of nowhere. What were their strategic goals for attacking a high school? I don't know, its an 80s movie. But it did provide a perfect segway for a few teenagers to escape the killing field to the nearest gas station, pick up weapons, ammo and food, and head out into the mountains to become resistance fighters.

Now, when I instructed my Tivo to record this movie, I was expecting a beautiful work of pure republican-style adrenaline rush. A demonstration of how good ole' American ideals and lax gun control policies can overcome any obstacle. Something to blot out the liberal propaganda of recent memory with a firm reminder that the enemies of our great nation are, by nature, inherently cruel and evil people who engage in daily worship of almighty Lucifer (or his atheist/socialist equivalent).

I was sorely disappointed. All the movie did was keep on reiterating that war is hell, and that it messes with the heads of our youths. One of the commies was even a good guy! Albeit, a Cuban. I guess I can forgive the filmmakers for that much, at least they never claimed that Russian communists were capable of understanding human morality and emotion.

Anyway, I'm off to watch Rambo III, and hopefully restore my faith in this great nation. Few things can get the patriotic juices flowing faster than Sylvester Stallone aiding Afghani freedom fighters in their battle against generic communist caricatures.

Thank you, that is all.

PS: Wolverines!

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Just this past Wednesday, American cities came under siege from multiple flashing LED incarnations of earth's greatest enemy... the Mooninite.



Actually, it wasn't much of a siege at all. Just the work of an Adult Swim marketing firm, hired to put up the Mooninite's visage around cities as a promotion for an Adult Swim show (Aqua Teen Hunger Force, of which the Mooninite is a character).

Unfortunately, Boston didn't get the joke. Instead, the city was brought to a virtual standstill while bomb squads investigated the mysterious black boxes of protruding wires and flashing lights that were appearing all over town. The damage to the city's economy was estimated at approximately $500,000.

Thankfully, the two gentlemen responsible for placing the Boston lightboards (see video on the left) were able to defuse the rage of the Bostonians with a polite apology. By which I mean, they called a joking press conference where they refused to talk about anything except their hair, and hair-related history.



Lightening the mood with their jolly banter, the two youths managed to inspire mercy in the hearts of their fellow city dwellers. Now, they only face up to five years in prison. In the meantime, they're out on $2,500 bail until the trial.

Good luck you two!

Thank you, that is all.

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I was deprived of cartoons as a child. My parents were the kind of people who considered "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" to be the slang translation of "School Shooting for Dummies", a how-to docudrama on the intricacies of juvenile delinquency. PBS and the other public broadcasting stations were granted a strict monopoly over my television viewership.

Don't get me wrong, the idealism of PBS shows like Arthur and Barney were all well and good, but they were really meant to be taken in moderation. Yes, its good for kids to hear Barney talking to them about how wonderful it would be if there were peace on earth. But its also important that our children learn the more realistic perspectives of shows like T.N.M.T. (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). Our kids should know that the only thing protecting their fragile peace of mind from the onslaught of generic supervillains is a band of mutated amphibians well-versed in the martial arts.

Whippersnappers these days are naive enough as it is, the last thing we need is some purple dinosaur prancing around our TV screens and lulling the next generation into a false sense of security. After all, we're not exactly treading lightly through history at the moment. The military, the economy, and our culture all seem on the verge of collapse. We're going to need those kids in razor-sharp mental condition to fight their way out of all of those future-problems while our future-selves kick back and play relaxing games of holographic shuffleboard in our retirement homes.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to empty some aerosol cans into the ozone just for the hell of it. As far as I'm concerned, if those kids want a Barneyesque world of ideals, they're gonna have to earn it.

Thank you, that is all.â„¢

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Ladies and gentlemen, I now return from my week of insanity and absence with news of a great leap forward in our battle against the enemies of American culture.

To begin, allow me to say that I can think of few civilian institutions that epitomize my great nation more accurately than Walmart. A monument to true American capitalism, the Walmart supercenter stands tall and proud in its generically-middle-of-nowhere true American neighborhood, offering customers the best products that cheap foreign factory-labor true American industry can offer.

Last summer, while I was working at a summer camp in upstate New York, I went on a staff trip to the local Walmart for rest, relaxation and resupply (you'd be surprised how quickly one can burn through 3 cases of root beer). To this day, I can still recall the feeling of patriotic satisfaction that saturated my heart as I watched our foreign Israeli staff members step into a Walmart for the first time. As they first crossed the threshold of those large automatic doors, and first heard the exuberant "Welcome to Walmart!" salutations of the Walmart greeters, their faces were instantly overcome by glee and laughter (at us, not with us). They even took souvenir photos.

And so, it is my great honor to share with you all some great news which has recently come to my attention. My great national mascot is about to expand the scope of its business beyond the scanty limits of food, electronics, music, entertainment, hair-styling and fast-food-franchising. That's right, Walmart has announced plans to develop its own brand of wine, to be sold at $2 to $5 per bottle.

Ladies and gentlemen, our American cup truly does runeth over.

Thank you, that is all.â„¢

PS: As much as I wish that I had thought of the title "I can't believe its not vinegar!" I'm afraid that credit for that little gem of hilarity goes to this site.

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No time for a full entry today, but I did come across this video (in the featured video column on the left) and wound up laughing for the next hour or so. At first it seems badly cut, and a few of the jokes might only make sense to gamers. But if you sit through it... well, you just have to watch it to understand.

I knew that the PS3 hadn't done well on launch, but I hadn't realized that it was this bad. And I certainly never realized that Japanese history was so... epic?

Thank you, that is all.â„¢

PS: "Attack its weak point for massive damage." - Words to live by.

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Unfortunately, due to a week-long schedule saturated with work, I will most likely have to cut down on nuTang entries until next weekend. My mental-autocracy has officially declared a state of mental-emergency, and mental-resources have been diverted (as per psychological wartime orders) from blogging to the defense of my mental-homeland from invading mental-stress factors. Thus, the frequency of entries will be temporarily reduced.

I understand that many ManOfDarkSunglasses fans may be disturbed by news of this passing hiatus. I have not been too blind to take notice of the nuTang community's growing dependence on the stabilizing effect that my continued comedic postings have provided. However, I ask you to please avoid a general panic. Riots will accomplish nothing.

To maintain order in my semi-absence, I would advise daily doses of RandomJunk's, TheZebra's and Ranor's humorous weblog entries. I have also notified the World Health Service of the situation, and they are currently in the process of setting up a toll-free MoDS-withdrawal hotline.

Additionally, plans for ManOfDarkSunglasses public-works initiatives (such as the 50-foot-tall statue of pure gold to be constructed in my likeness) have been suspeded indefinetely. To be honest, I was never too crazy about posing nude for it anyway.

Thank you, that is all.â„¢

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