one day, my parents will look at me and tell me that they are proud of me and mean it. one day, they won't expect more than what i can give and they'll understand the choices i've made in my life.

if that day never comes, i guess i'm on my own. BUT, that doesn't phase me since they've never really supported the choices i've made 100% and that day will never come.

i don't believe in things like faith, hope, destiny, or fate. it's just a bunch of bullshit and a waste of time make believing that something means more than it does. things just are and things happen because things happen and not because it was meant to be or because you dreamt for something to happen.

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i think i made the right choice deciding to move back to oxnard and i'm not going to regret it when i'm back. i think that it's where i need to be now anyway. i also think that when i moved to SD i wasn't mentally prepared for another two years of school nor did i know what i was really getting myself into. i also never really had a chance to settle in and make plans for myself here. you might look at it as i lost one year of my life and that i should just finish another year so that i at least walk away with something. the way i look at is --i SPENT one year to realize what i really wanted. i'd rather walk away with that than spending another year trying to like something i already realized i hated.

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the biggest lesson i learned this year: when you finally find something that you're happy and comfortable with whether it be location, friends, lifestyle - don't go messing it up in search of things that you think could be or think that things could be better than it already was.

all i have left to do now is let go, settle all over again, and hope that everything that i was happy and comfortable with before all of this comes back to me.

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stop lying.

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what do you do when you can't look back, find it difficult to look forward, and feel uncomfortable in the present?

i went through life thus far doing what i'm supposed to do, the way i was told to do it. now what?

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you know how in elementary school there's always that weird kid? you know, the kid that other kids say eats their own boogers, insects, dirt, glue, etc.? the kid that doesn't look like they shower on a daily basis and sometimes wears the same clothes for more than a week at a time? well, today i noticed that as i've gotten older that kid never goes away. even in grad school, i've noticed a progressive version of the weird kid. the only difference is that the other kids don't spread rumors about them rather they keep opinions to themselves but we all have a general idea of what everyone else is thinking even though it's unsaid.

i know i should probably care, but i think it's funny that the school of public health dept at my school had a party at a nightclub for all of it's students. i'm good at keeping things in my life separate. like sorority life, hometown life, school life, etc. life. most of these things i think can overlap but when school stuff gets social, you can count me out. i think it's weird to go to a nightclub if all of my professors are there. it's even weirder for me to see people at a nightclub when i usually only see them in class-- especially when ages vary from early 20's to 50's maybe 60's at the most in grad school. it's just weird. i'll party with hometown friends and sorority friends, but partying is not something you'd do with professors. whoever thought of such a thing is a weirdo....

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