welll

woke up this mornin not really feelin' like doing anything. I woke up at about 8 and went up to ash's grave? burial spot? wtf is the right word? ahh well, went up there and jus thought for a bit. it was realllly cold so i came back down to the house and crawled back into bed. I can hardly believe shes been gone 2 years today. It's amazing how fast time is going by now. I can hardly believe its been that long. What really surprises me tho is that I am still living at home, and am holdin' in there. I never thought I'd make it this long. Especially without Allie around. I really miss her so much. It's alot different with Ash. She was never around when she was alive so, it's not as...painful as Allie. Maybe its more painful losing Allie because shes not dead, I jus can't see her or anything. Life is odd.

Justin and I had hopes to hang out today but when he called at like 11 he wasnt so sure about it. That sucked but then I got off the phone with him and Joshy called. That kid is so sweet. He was like 'hey punkin, how are you doin...' I dunno, I jus think its cute that he remembers dates and stuff. We were going to hang out today if Justin and I couldn't...but the person I really wanted to see was Kym. So I called her and she was working. That sucked. Then Justin got online and we made plans to hang out. I'm so glad I got to spend the day with him.

it was jus...so much fun. it took my mind off everything else and jus... I dunno. I love that boy so much. He makes me so incredibly happy. like, lately I've been having...feelings of uneasiness about our relationship and how I was feelin' but jus being with him today made me drop all doubts. I love him. I couldn't imagine myself without him anymore. Sometimes, when I think about that it makes me sad. I told myself that after becoming so attatched to Ryan, I'd never be like that again. But I have..but for some reason, its different this time. It's really love...and it's great. That boy is jus amazing. I mean, everything about him.

We were watching tv and this girl was like 'that's the wrong hand but, yes I'll marry you' and Justin kept tryint o tell me it was the right hand and I kept tellin him it was left and so I finally asked Lisa...his mother, and she was jus freaking out. She was like 'nooo you're too young to get married...noo noo noo, don't even think about it.' and it was so funny. haha I finally got a chance to explain why I asked and shes like 'ooooh' and Justin thought it was jus the FUNNIEST thing. I could see myself growin' old with him. I already have. I've grown...3 months with him. =) haha, yea shut up Amanda.

ooh and while I was at Justins, Scott called and was asking me about some stuff and Justins phone is SOOO loud. So Justin could hear the hole thing and it was jus bad and he didn't know what Scott was talkin' about and I tried to get him to understand that he doesnt need to know everything and that bothered him but, finally we jus dropped it.0

I love that about him. Like, he knows when I'm serious about droppin something and usually does for the time being.

Well, I am waitin' for a phone call soo...I'm going to go lay down and do some homework and then bed if someone doesn't call.

Justin...thank you for a great day...and for not tormenting me with video games. I love you...

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I went up to pennies and got a new pair of jeans and a skirt and then went to wal-mart and got my class ring ordered. i'm excited. =) its pretty nice. then i went to sams club and added some time to my phone card. then i went over to tops and got a few things...which I pry coulda gotten cheaper at wal-mart if I'd have thought of it then.

The woman who was in front of me in line had about 100 things...no lie, and i was standing behind her ever so patiently hoping no one would see me...no one being my mother...haha and the nice woman was like 'would you like to go in front of me, you have alot less then me.' and i jus thought it was so nice of her. I will never forget her. haha =) odd how the little things have such an impact on me.

I was goin to stop at Kym's and pick up my stuff and hang out with her for a bit but there was no answer. I guess that was a good thing tho bc about 10 mins after I got home, Justin showed up. =) we hung out for a few hrs. He said something to me that really bothered me. It made me wanna cry. Of course, I could never let him see me cry. I don't want him to see me so vulnerable. I love him tho. My dad's been alot nicer to him lately. That's a good thing. We might hang out tomorrow, I dunno tho. I'm supposed to be grounded but, I might be able to get out of it.

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I have been having a pretty bad week. I dunno why really. Actually, I think it's because this Sunday is gonna be 2 years since Ash died and everything gets really stressful at home around this time of the year. So I think some of that is gettin' to me. Then theres the fact that I have court next thursday and I am so fucking scared. I mean, more scared then you could ever imagine. I got 3 letters of refrences...-from Mrs. Hutter, Ms. Abreau, and Mr. Silwinki. Plus my report card and everything but I'm so scared. They sent my freakin paper work to the lawyer...and soo yea, I'm fucked there because hes gonna say something to my dad. ooh well. My dads already bitched at me enough today. First it was bc I used 400 plus minutes on my moms phone card, then because my class ring is 'so expensive' when its really not, and lastly because my report card was SHIT this quater.

Speakin of grades, I got a 92 on my american cultures test. yes this makes me very happy because I studied really hard and I need to get my grades up. Mr. Bowers has been nicer lately. Well to me atleast. Haha durin that class today, Allie Hall was like 'loook' so I looked out the window and these girls were walkin down the hill and shes like they're gonna fall and then you see their arms waverin and stuff as they try to keep their balance. It was great.

Also, I talked to Dustin this mornin. Tha's always fun. I love him=) He jus called me so I'll write more later.

okay jus got off the phone with Dustin. Jeez, I can't believe peoples bullshit. ahh well, I love that kid. He's so sweet. Him and I really needa hang out, we have so much fun together.

Hmm, I miss Brock. We never get to talk much or ne thing. I did get to talk to him long enough to find out that he isnt workin at Vinnies anymore.

Justin and Me? ahh we're kinda rocky right now bc I havent exactly been fair to him lately. I've felt os many fucked up feelings and I jus dunno. I told Justin something today that no one knows really. Wow, I hadnt even thought about it in months and then bam...I jus thought about it adn told him. I trust him for some reason. It's odd. He jus...doesnt talk too much shit. I love him. We also talked about other stuff and that was good. Stuff I thought about alot that I really need not worry about.

Hmm, Dustin made me think. So now I got more thinkin' to do and maybe gonna call my boy. Idk where hes at!

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to update much. sara came up yesterday, we chilled. the day before when I was suspended, Joshy came down and saw me. I miss him...we had a LONG talk and it made me think.

which brought me to the conclusion that I am a bad person.

thas all I ahve to say on it.

BAD BAD PERSON

im sorry.

and then, people piss me off.

I feel like pukin.

I feel so guilty...

bye

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yesterday I was suspended as you all know. It was boring but it was okay. It felt good to sleep in and not have to worry about anything. I got to drive the corvette for the last time this year. Put that in the garage, put the battery charger in the blazer and got that runnin again since the tires are almost freakin bald on the suburban and they're not gettin fixed till next week or something. I dunno. my dads always like 'I dont have time to do 'em myself...blah blah...'

I gotta go, I'm meetin sara half way. i'll finish later

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time for an update. Friday...didn't do anything. Jus cleaned my room and stuff. Saturday, went to Justins and then to the old shoe game and then back to Justins. Stayed the night there and woke up to our wonderful...you guessed it...-3 months!-

Previously, Justin and I had been talkin about the game and he kept being all cocky..sayin troy was gonna lose and you know...so we made a bet. Of course, Troy won. Justin was gettin sooo bitchy about it. He was like 'yea well you're SOOO cocky about it...it pisses me off.' I didn't wanna argue with him so I jus tried to get him to stop being angry...even tho the fact of the matter is that HE WAS THE ONE BEING COCKY ABOUT IT FIRST! But don't tell him I said that.:p haha but yea...-I hung out with Cheesebutt, Cornz, Ikka, and Jen some. Mostly Justin tho...Scott was there too. Justin got reallly bitchy with him. Wow, you can tell they have a GREAT friendship. I was like OMG. I hate it when Justin gets angry...

After the game, we went over and helped at the dinner thingers or whatever. That was eventful. I got sooo tired tho. Justin doesn't call ANYONE in canton by there real names. Seriously...and he has a thing for hugging peoples mom's. but thas okay, I love him jus the same.

After that, we rented Saved and Eurotrip. Went back to his house we finished watching Shrek 2, and then watched Saved and Eurotrip. Great freaking movies. They were soo funny. I was kinda getting cranky at that point tho. Went to bed a littel while later.

Woke up the next day...it was like 8:30. Brushed my teeth and went back and turned on the tv to see if anything was on. Of course, nothing was. I wasn't sure if anyone else was awake so I didn't wanna go downstairs but I got bored so I went down at about quater to nine. =) I missed the last stair on my way down and almost fell. Haha...Justin saw it too. :[ lol I was like ahh:[ We jus hung out for a bit and then went and got around for the day.

Went to the Lycoming mall and hung out. Justin got a ps 2 game. I think need for speed underground? or osmething. I dunno really...and then we went and got chinese for lunch. they didnt have any chopsticks! >:o that made me ANGRY! Really...very angry. Then went to wal-mart. haha I was getting so bitchy cuz I was freakin tired and I kept like layin down on this box and then Justin gave me a piggy back ride. my thong was hangin out. haha and people kept giving us dirty looks. ooh well...

The rest of the day...I can't really say what we did. Jus hung out...=) Then when Dave took me home, he let me drive. =) hehe...that guy can talk. But hes great...

then got home...phone rang, talked on that for about an hr and a half and then remembered I had homework and got off, did dishes and took a shower and went to bed. got up early and did my homework and then went to school.

where i was yet again, reminded of why I dislike troy so much. Actually, today wasn't too bad except for my getting suspended. That sucked. Actually, I don't mind. Got all my work sooo, I shouldn't be too far behind. Plans for tomorrow

[ ] Writing to Matt =)
[ ] Write my letter of apology to Kaufmanns
[ ] Geometry homework
[ ] Creative Writing Homework
[ ] Finish splittin and stackin the wood
[ ] Scan my pictures
[ ] clean my room
I think thas about it...=) haha thas more of a mental note to me then anything else. =)

Anyways, I love you Justin. SPUD!

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