yay. happy birthday to me. i'm finally 16. whoopdeedoo. sumhow, i think i should be happier than i really am. oh well.

today is a busy busy day. woke up at 6.40 in the morning to go do sum errands. first went to my school to ask bowt that note but they only gave me those comm. service papers. yay, i get one extra ((i'm being sarcastic here)). then went to freese. talked to the 6to6 lady..ev'rythin's all set. hadta come bak for the actual school thing tho. went to sharp to ask if i could do comm. service..they're full. great. picked up nikki to bring her wit us bak to freese. took bowt an hour doin the thing wit freese. turns out..after all that time..they thot we were old& had kids..crazy. and since we're minors we can't really do ne thin..but we are going to help in the office..doin sum filing whatever. that sucks cuz i wanted to work wit the chill'un. hahah..oh well it's ok. as long as i get this done. then went to the bookstore. the scarlet letter wasn't there. now where am i gonna get it?! i'll ask my dad later to bring me to a bookstore this weekend. so i got the AP U.S. History study guide book instead. went to jollibee's and ate yummy spaghetti. went across to baskin robins for my ice cream cake. chocolate chip ice cream. mmm. dropped nikki home. she gave me the present she was sposed to give me like last christmas which she never got around to doing. thanks buddy! ((haven't opened it yet)) and later i'll be goin to red lobster. then come home eat cake and do the rest.

well i'm pooped. and i need my rest. even tho i can't really fall asleep. well maybe i can this time. erry1 else in this house seems to be sleeping. wonderful. ok. bye.

[[[[ 10.45pm ]]]]]]
so here's how the rest of my day went. i went to RED LOBSTER like i sed. and ate sum gOod food that i dint finish cuz i got full. i gotta free yummy chocolate cake. they even decorated the plate wit dis yummy kinda icing lookin stuff. mmm. then went home. and opened presents. wanna kno what i got? of course u do!...i got..this PRECIOUS MOMENTS thing that spells out my name and sum CLOTHES from my MOM...a COACH PURSE and CAPRIS from my GODMOTHER/AUNTIE and a PEANUTS ((snoopy)) ALARM CLOCK from NIKKI. and of course i got LOTSA MONEY the amount is top secret! but i think it's the most i ever got in one day! =D and then i ate more ICE CREAM CAKE. =)

well ne ways today I FOUND OUT WHO MY TRUE FRIENDS were. the ones that remembered my birthday. ..the ones who remembered my birthday are the ones who REALLY CARE..even for the minute details. and as i can recall the ppl who really remembered& sed ne thing..was FAMILY of course, nikki g., shaina h., angeline g., christine h., nicola l., and roxanne r. and even roxanne..we haven't talked in yeeeaaarsss. well ok not years. but in a reeaallly loooong time. and also for those few other ppl who wished me happy birthday cuz they found out from this entry. hahaha. =)

and so that was my day =).

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great. im on my rag. what great timing huh? sheesh. well ne ways. dint do much today. uhmm..started watchin those SAT videos..the math one..gonna finish it later..it's not too bad. learning sum new tricks& stuff yeno. so its kOo i ges.

tomorrow i gotta big day ahead of me. so meni places to go& things to do. gotta go to my school..freese..bookstore..&sharp hospital. and possibly sum other place. that's all. peace.

[[[[ 3.37pm]]]]]
ok new look. i couldn't wait for october ne longer! so here it is. song will be up in a few after my bro gets off the stupid computer. so jes wait. but this is the theme. OCTOBER NIGHTS - YELLOWCARD. and the bg is from a walk to remember. i needed a pic that was sorta sentimental. and it was all i could think of. since i'm so very single. yeah. and im sorry if the words ((speshully on the left)) is hard to see. it's hard to get colors that mix well wit the bg and the opacity of the box thing. but hope u like. and if u dont. go fuk urself.

[[[[[ 9.53pm ]]]]]]
added the song so TURN UP YO SPEAKERS and SING ALONG ((ok, since this stupid computer or somethin isn't letting me fukin copy the stupid lil link jes go to the "check it out" module and SING ALONG DAMMIT!!...you know you want to;) ))

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it's midnight. and i'm up. for some odd reason i'm jes a lil ball of energy right now. dont kno why or how but here i am. if i try to sleep i'll stare at the ceiling. well not really..more like..close my eyes in hopes of dozing off..with no success. today i have plans to study for SATs. and i hafta call SHARP hospital today also. i'll prolly end up doin that towards the afternoon but it's ok. i was watchin even stevens earlier tonight and it jes hit me that i met..er saw the guy that plays larry beal! that's jes so awesome! too bad i couldn't get a pic wit him for proof but oh well.

i feel like being blunt today. maybe cuz it's midnight. er rather speak in a "matter-of-fact" form. yeah. hmm. well. i ges that puts the cherry on top. har har har. so gnite all.

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today was shiit like usual. woke up to the sounds of my stupid brother doin sum wannabe drumming crap. i drove today wen my dad came home. feeling a bit more confident. yeah, that dusnt work. dropped off bro to practice at MOM. then went to freese. couldnt get comm. service app's cuz stupid lady wasn't there. saw mrs. starks, my 3rd grade teacher. it's been oh so very long. hafta do sumthin else for 6to6. whatever. went to skyline library. went to chula dmv and followed ppl takin their test. wonder if they noticed. picked up bro. went to sy dmv and stalked ppl agen. got caught. embarassing. lady was biitch. who gives a flying fuk. "..i got ur license plate number" suck the dick that i will never have. went to south cv library. took another practice sat thing. another 500+. car ignition wouldn't turn. went bak in library& waited for mom. used other key. drove bak home.

that was the general.

I CAN'T DO NE THING RIGHT. made a few errors in driving. whatever. im not perfect. in the library while i was waitin for mother..dad found sum SAT videos..biitched at me like why he's lookin for this stuff..i should be lookin for it "be aggressive..i dint have this wen i was in school..do u have any goals?!" JES FUKING KILL ME NOW AND LET ME OUT OF MY MISERY and got biitched about "poor planning" since i'm doin this freese stuff all late. jes got my mother's email which i shoulda got long ago today..biitch'n bowt my poor planning agen. i'm fuking sorry i couldn't fukin doin it earlier. shiiit. im sorry that I FEEL SO PRESSURED that I AM SO PRESSURED. and i'm sorry i dont think i can't deal with this. TAKE ME NOW, GOD. CUZ IM READY! i dont wanna live this life ne more. life is jes a competition to be the best. and i jes wanna be me. but i can't. cuz that's not how u'll survive, if i survive at all.

my birthday is coming up, for all those who dont kno or don't care, and all i want is sumthin that no1 in this world can give me. no1 can buy it at a store. all i want is TO BE HAPPY. i want things to be easier. but that's impossible. and as much as i complain and feel so dammn hurt..no1 can do ne thing about it. no matter what ne1 sez..no1 can change how i feel cuz no1 can do ne thing about it. they can't change the rules the cruel world has alredi set for itself these past years. this year i turn 16..but i see nothing sweet about turning 16. turning 16 jes means more pressure for me. it means more responsibilities. it means being put to higher standards& expectations. it means another year at trying to be the best. I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO MY BIRTHDAY this year. cuz i jes want to let go of ev'rything. my birthday should be a day of happiness. but what's there to be happy about? i kno that sounds..cynical? ((dus that even make sense?))..or ungrateful. but i ges u dont understand. ok so sure i'm happy to have a roof on my head..clothes to cover myself in..and shoes to protect my feet from the rocky road ((not the ice cream, stupid)). and for ppl who seem to care about me. that ppl have it worse than i do. and i should be happy to be able to live another year. but i dont want to. it's too hard for me. i dont see myself making it. i see myself failing. i dont see myself in the future. i dont even kno if i wanna see myself in the future.

no, i'm not asking you to feel sorry for me. i'm asking u to LISTEN. cuz that's all i want from you now. cuz nothing u can say or do will change ne thing. u cant change the inevitable. and u can't change wha alredi happened.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAINA!!!
whOohOo finally SIXTEEN =) hOoraYy! u should DEFINITELY feel older!

well i got a few things to do during this intersession like comm. service& studying for SATs. i still needa actually go to freese tho. or somethin. well i'll tell my mom in a few.

ne who..man my dad is such an ass. all he's been doin lately is yell yell yell. shiit. like last night he was biitch'n jes becuz i dint go on that practice test thingy this weekend at home. well for his fuk'n information it's hard to concentrate wit erry1 at home watchin tv n bein loud. my dad fuk'n pisses the shit out of me. and i can't wait till im gone.

i miss the gOod ol' days but even then life wasn't so easy. my parents have always been beathin down my neck tellin me to study n shiit. always yellin& biitch'n at me. but now it's jes gotten worse. and i hate gettin older. and this is why i'm not afraid to die. ok. bye.

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welll last night me, shay, &shaina went to shay's house to get redi to SURPRISE angeline for her birthday even tho it's like 5 weeks late now. but hey, better late than never. so ne way, i left the house at around 6:30 and arrived at shay's at about 6:45. then shaina came. and damns they took forever. so we ended up runnin late. so ne way, me& shaina sat in the bak of the car tryin hard to stay AS QUIET AS EVER while shay led blind-folded angeline in2 the front passenger seat of the car. i wanted to laugh so bad! butchea. so then we were on our way to ANTHONY'S FISHETTE/GROTTO. only to realize shay was unsure of the way, but don't worry..we found it..n she was right, luckily. haha. so thennn..oOhh yeno wha WE COULDA GOT INTO TWO ACCIDENTS cuz the first time..shay was changin lanes..but then the car dint let her and i dont think shay saw the car that well cuz the trunk was filled wit balloons. and then the second time it was wen we were lookin for stupid parkin cuz their parkin space is hella small...and shay was makin a u-turn..and the car that was goin straight dint even slow down..what an ass..but luckily we dint get in an accident. sheesh..people these days! so ne way wen we finally got a parkin spot that was all kinda far..shay led angeline first out the car..and walked her awhile kinda further away from the car then me& shaina got outta the car..then we kinda ran to the restaurant..haha..it was kinda funny..yet embarassing cuz we were carryin balloons and a present..so erry1 was all starin at us and a couple of ppl was like "happy birthday" &stuff like that. so we got the restaurant and waited outside for angeline& shay..they took forever. i checked inside to see if our reservation was still there.turns out it wasn't and so she sed it mite be nex door..so i got bak outside. then shay& angeline come and...

"SURPRISE!" =) it was great. haha she dint see it comin. then shay& shaina went bak inside to double-check about the reservations while i told angeline about our fake plans for the barbecue..i told her it wasn't real..unless she wanted it sitll of course..so shaina& shay come bak and like i sed they sed to go nex door...and nex door was the fancy STAR OF THE SEA restaurant..and turns out there was our reservations. so we went in. we hadta leave the balloons at the waitin place cuz the chefs dint want it inside..i dint really want it inside either..the place was pretty tite& small ((and no, not tite like cool, but it was tho))..and i ges they musta thot we were a lot older cuz shay sed they ASKED IF WE WANTED ANY ALCOHOL hahaha..DO WE LOOK THAT OLD?!

so then we finally got our seats..and the ppl were really nice tOo..and wen we got the menu it was so weird cuz the prices were like..iono how to explain..but it was like the fod and the price was one sentence. so i was like "is that the price?!"...man shiit was expensiiiive. and NONE OF THEM EXCEPT ME CAME PREPARED i had like $40+ in my wallet...and I SAVED THEIR ASSES cuz i had my DEBIT CARD which had $100+..wha would they do without me? hahah..so yeah. obviously, i payed..but of course bein the gOod frenz they are, they're payin me bak i only have like $50 in my card now. but ne way i ordered DIVER SCALLOPS and omg it was HELLLA GOOD...and the portions look really small...but we got really full..but u kno wha we think their trick is...it's cuz they used these really big huge as plates...so they used big plates to make the food look smaller..get it? but damnnn all the fOod was deeelish. and ges what else...at the end..they gave angeline a CHOCOLATE SOUFFLE ((sp?!)) for FREE cuz it was her birthday....her 19th BIRTHDAY HAHAHAHA. and they actually bought it. the guy was like "i'm old enuf to be ur dad!"..oh u dont kno how much..hahaha..it's a gOod thing angeline looks all mature& stuff. if that was me..psh i dont think i even look my age! hahaha.

so ne way, wen it was time to pay..i used my debit card as i sed earlier...and i wont tell u the total becuz its a secret =X..but i'll tell u this much..it was more than $50. duuude I DIDNT KNO WHA I WAS DOING...i dint kno WHA RECEIPTS TO TAKE and wen i got home& reviewed the stuff i got..i think i 4got to take the actual receipt. i only took the thingy i signed. oh well. i think i can manage without it. i hope i left the write signed thingy for them tho. hahah. that was my first time doin that in a restaurant..cuz u kno..wen i'm at a store the cashiers gimme the papers i need so i dont pay attention..but at the restaurant u do it urself..n im like...ahhhh wha do i take?!!

then after that we went bak to the car..well sort of..we stayed at the fountain and TOOK PICTURES it was awesome. fun fun fun. i'll post em up later. if i can find a way to make the dammn memory stick work! i'll ask the dad.

and then i got home at 11pm and i surprisingly dint get in so much trouble if at all. maybe cuz i called home periodicially from time to time. and at least i got home right? so that was last night.

unfortunately, mariel couldn't join us cuz sadly, her grandmother passed away. she left to seattle. =( it's ok mariel, she's in a better place now

soo TODAY i went to church and it was THE FIRST DAY OF CCD....omg kindergarteners are SOO CUTE....there were only 5 KIDS IN THE CLASs but it's cool cuz then that means the class gets to be close. it was fun. =) can't wait till nex sunday (=

thats all. hope ur weekend was great. bye.

[[[[[5:00pm ]]]]]]
i still hate driving. i almost got in a car accident today. serious one. cuz i turned left in the neighborhood..and it was unprotected u kno..and i thot it was clear but then i ges not? or else it came out of nowhere? but then my dad scurred me he was like "STOP!" so i stopped..and there was a car riiiiight theerrrre. then he was like "GO!". ges i turned tOo slow? but i still felt no emotion. i'm not afraid to die anymore. i'll be glad if i can see God and Jesus. i still have so meni questions. besides, this world is evil& twisted. but yeahh..then my dad got all pissed. but i was jes takin it in. i actually dint feel ne thin. prolly cuz i knew i did somethin wrong. but there was a few things..actually jes wen he sed "if u need more practice then tell us. if u keep waiting for us to tell u, then there's no motivation!" ((yelling still))...and well i ges i'm not motivated. i jes dont like driving. so that's why i wait. but i can't tell my dad that. actually i dint say much. as usual. i jes asked where we were going. but i think after that i did ok. i was kind of traumatized but not really becuz they dint honk at me..if they honked at me i think i woulda been more traumatized..maybe they saw that i was still a student. i hope so.

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