what if it never started? would he be happier? would i be happier?
is it my fault that he cant do what he wants anymore? what could he have done if my presence was absent? what could i have done? where would i be? a course interstate? another uni? where would he be? would be have done better or worse? would it have made any difference to what hes doing right now? maybe if i never said 'no matter what decision you make, im still there to support you' then he wouldnt have decided to not go to uni? maybe he'd be in uni right now and not the way he is now? hes unhappy, he doesnt show it, he doesnt tell me. what else isnt he telling me? do i have to keep doing things based on my own assumptions? would he be happier now if i wasnt there to stop him from doing anything? keeping promises? drinking? going out at night? what CAN i do for him? what HAVE i done for him? i made sacrifices but so what? who cares? who knows? clearly its not even noticeable because it was barely anything you did, mel. am i taking him for granted? im not doing enough for him?

i may be more hardworking so it seems like im smarter or something... but do i even deserve him? i ask him what he expects of me... he says nothing, just as long as i love him. is that really enough? if it is, then why does he keep making me feel as though that its my fault that he cant do anything he wants? what DOES he want to do that he cant do? can i do what i want to do anyway? i try so hard to make things i give up not seem like its anything important. i dont want him to feel bad. but then when i think again, why was it so easy for me to do? did it mean those things didnt really mean much to me anyway? as for him, do those things mean more?

im confused. i dont want to go on like this. theres no turning back. what am i supposed to do? teach me.

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i still dont comprehend. this will take a long time. when wont i feel distant anymore? i cant even figure what i need and want anymore... simply love? or more? reassurance? honesty? trust? security?

im tired.

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why do i feel betrayed? ouch

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its all becoming too alike. what do i do? how do i deal with it? so what if im scared? who gives a damn? he doesnt even realise that it hurts at all... not till i told him anyway. its all happening all over again... why do i feel the same way. the same amount of tears, the same level of stress. why? what did i ever do to deserve this. what am i suppose to do now? i dont want to go through it all again, it was too much for me to handle. i was defenceless, i dont want to be just like a dog. listening to an owners demands, locked in a kennel, being there whenever i need to be and put away when im not needed. this wasnt what i was after.

what wouldve happened if i hadnt started in the first place. where would i be now? would i have taken my friend's job offer and be an idol where ppl just look up at me upon? what would life be like? would i be happier? or worse than now? who would be there to support me?

ive thought about all this. nothing can be perfect. whats chosen has been chosen. whether i was to accept that job or be where i am now, i'd still be under different types of pressure. at least now i have someone there for me ... sometimes.... right?

i made my priorities, i dont now if im doing the right thing, i dont now if i'll feel better this way or if things will get better, but i'll still keep to my words. what will be the result of this? is it just plain stupidity? i dont want to cause anymore hassles and disagreements... do i even have another option?

when one feels a great sense of insecurity, i suppose its an instinct to try find any sort of security just by grasping on to whatever right? im still looking for something to hold on to. i dont know what else i can do. ive done all i can i think. ive made my choices and i've made my sacrifices. im pretty much sure of what i want now i suppose. maybe not completely, but i know what im going to have to do in the future. someone teach me and tell me what else i can do... just simply put up with it till my tolerance reaches its limit and i snap? i dont think i can do that anymore. its so hard to surpress feelings. i dont know how to hide it anymore. its so hard. i feel so dishonest. even now when i dont answer his questions, i feel so dishonest. why do i feel so guilty? hmm, i guess its the fact i expect him to tell me everything too.

why do i feel like im putting pressure on him just because im under so much pressure myself? maybe i am putting him under a lot of pressure too, but he just doesnt tell me? im not blind and emotionless, i know hes tried to do a lot for me. even yesterday. but i just totally ignored his effort at the time because i was so distressed over the weather. im sorry, i know you tried and everything, but it was too hot and i was already feeling shit. it had already accumulated in me for ages. too long. i couldnt stand it anymore.

its almost been 6 months now. i must say, over the time i feel hes more important to me, and over the time, we begin to expect more of eachother. over the time i guess we restricted eachother more, but i havent really tried to wriggle myself free because i didnt feel the need to really. i just hoped that it would all be the same way. i dont want to hold him back from what he wants to do, yet i dont want to be felt like im just a stupid lapdog who just does what im told to do and virtually on a leash being dragged and tied around whereever he wants me to be. he probably didnt even feel anything at all. he didnt even notice what hes done, maybe because boys just never think for others' feelings first or maybe they're just less caring. i dont know what to think anymore. he doesnt know at all, what hes done or how i feel unless i just throw it at his face. but that makes me feel bad. it makes me feel like im always whinging, thats how i feel when i tell him everything. and he has feelings, hes not blank, if i say something, it has an effect on him. there are times i wonder, am i just always whinging or is it because hes constantly making me feel bad? what does he think? i feel like im just an annoying whinging bitch whose just always complaining and whining by his ear. i dont know what he feels, probably the same but not saying it because its inappropriate. but has he ever thought why i do this? is it harder for guys to put himself in others' shoes?

i cant help myself feeling that im absolutely nothing after last night. maybe he doesnt remember what hes said to me last week anymore. maybe i misheard him. i dont know. why is what guys say and what they do always contradicting eachother. he says im the most important, more than anything else, yet he went ahead and made me feel like im some dumbshit who doesnt realise what hes up to. i know he hates me bringing it up. i just hope he never gets to this paragraph. dont need him feeling pissed again. what am i suppose to do though? i have no where to let it out on.

whether its family, friends or boyfriend, how come i always feel im giving out way more than i ever get back. i always try to think for them, and satisfy what they want, i dont mind that i rarely get it back, but when i never get it back at all, i just feel exactly the same way he felt yesterday afternoon. the effort just all went to waste.

i dont know ever how to tell him i feel hurt. ive only ever told him im pissed, well ive shown it even, but i dont know how to tell him im hurt. i hate it, it takes a long long time to recover. hes only really ever done it a few times, its taken weeks - months for me to feel better slightly. how long will it take this time?

does unconditional love exist anymore?

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im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed im stressed

why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why

why did i have to break my promise... and now hes borken his promise, but hes unaware because he probably doesnt even know about this, this is becoming more and more alike the other one. why are we starting to fight so much now. it seems like hes not understanding me anymore. or maybe its i dont understand him anymore. my tolerance runs low now days. im too stressed. theres too much on my mind and too little (right) time to tell him about it. sometimes i dont even know how to tell him things. i hate this stress. i just want to leave everything. i just want to scream i want to release everything there is inside me. i want to cry and run and scream and hide. i dont to go away forever. i dont want to come back. why DOES IT REALLY SEEM LIKE I WANT TO STAY AT HOME? i fucking want to move out more than he does. why am i constantly having so many problems. all i want is someone there to lend me a shoulder and to listen to everything. is it that hard? am i asking for too much. i have enough stress as it is. i dont need more. i dont want more. im not a fucking idiot. like i dont know he has his own problems and issues to worry about. what does he think i am? a selfish asshole who just thinks about myself? or maybe thats how im acting? i dont fucking know, but clearly if he cant see that i do care and know then theres something wrong. im sick of this. why am i putting up with this shit? whether its at home or my social life or whatever.

i was expecting this year to run a fuck of a lot more smoother than every other yr, but it totally FUCKING SUCKS!

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i just wished i couldve kept walking on

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i find that this is the only place i can be myself and express how i feel without consequence. i wont have people shouting back at me and giving me attitude. i can swear all i like because im pissed and no one can say a thing. i dont need someone telling me 'stop swearing, you're swearing too much' when themselves, swear on a regular every day basis. FUCKING HYPOCRIT! ive so had enough now. i cant stand it anymore. why is it that whatever the fuck happens with anyone, whether it be in a relationship or just friendship, im always the person stuck in the middle. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU ALL FORCE ME TO CHOOSE A SIDE. I DONT CARE IF YOU NEED PEOPLE TO TALK TO IM HERE TO LISTEN BUT DONT FUCKING FORCE ME TO YOUR SIDE YOU SELFISH ASSHOLES! i absolutely HATE it when i try to talk to someone about something, and they just throw in their opinion to defend what i've just said that ive heard from someone else. FUCK YOU! WHAT DONT YOU UNDERSTAND! I DIDNT MAKE THAT COMMENT/STATEMENT, THE OTHER PERSON DID, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ME QUESTIONS GIVING ME A FUCKING HARD TIME TRYING TO GIVE YOU ANSWERS WHEN ITS NONE OF MINE OR YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS UNLESS YOU REALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE WHO HATE EACHOTHER! WHERE THE HELL DO I GO WHEN IM UNHAPPY ABOUT SOMETHING HUH? I JUST GET ATTITUDE THROWN BACK AT ME FOR RAGING, HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU ALL RAGE? WHAT DO I DO? I HATE THIS! what did i ever do huh? fucking hell, just let me rust in peace thanks, i rather go die than put up with all you people's bullshit!

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why does everyone cage me and then tell me its all for my own good? its ridiculous. i always have the feeling that in the end, they'll be the ones complaining that im restricting them just simply because what i cant do, they shouldnt do either. ok, fine, they really do care. but why dont they ever care about my feelings and how i would feel or think towards anything at all? so many things seem so unimportant now... things forgotten, oh i dont even want to care anymore.

my next mission impossible is to regrain trust. someone teach me how to. how do you forget all the disappointments.

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