le_battement
Age. 21
Gender. Male Ethnicity. Inuit
Location In Hibernation, Greenland School. Rutgers Univ
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| Hitchhiker's Guide to Tomfoolery Friday, Night Time Synopsis City, A.K.A. Long-Ass Entry Sunday, Afternoonish Prologue to The Brothers of Ipsen Friday, Night I decided to write a prologue to an old story of mine: The Brothers of Ipsen.
Jorge Before Reincarnation
Twice upon two times, there was an emu who rode the Seven Sands of Buhoyaqeen. However, he was a miniature emu, and thus jumped on each of the seven grains of sand one by one. When he reached the fifth, he slipped and fell five thousand nanometers. And after that, he also fell into a crevace: The Fissure of the Seasons.
In this fissure awaited a barbershop trio. They called themselves the Brothers of Ipsen. Peter, Hardy, and Bobby sang many a lascivious tune, which fell on the emu's deaf ears. You see, he lost them in the War of the River Skanks. A bullet had penetrated his aura and filled his appendix with seventeen ambiguous Post-It notes. To numb the pain, Jorge the Emu became addicted to PCP, which, as even Seymobugi knows, causes an emu to lose all of his/her pores. Without the ability to sweat, Jorge had to get all of the water sucked out of him. Everyone, even Seymobugi's daughter-in-law knows that emus are 97.5 The Hawk percent water, hence Jorge's lilliputian stature.
Suddenly, the Brothers of Ipsen sung their rendition of "O, My Mother is a Goudy One." Jorge was shoved off into the depths of Hades, where he fell into the chilly River Styx. He sucked up the water and forsaken souls like a sponge, oh boy! So good Cassius squeezed him out, then gayly hopped back into the mouth of Satan. Jorge did not give up yet, though, oh no. You see, he had an ability that no other emu had: A double-jointed cranium. He used this secret weapon to his advantage, and killed himself. The End. Comment! (4) | Recommend! | Rate! The Vanilla Pepsi Scandal Sunday, Graveyard Shift  It all happened one somber night when I was sitting back, relaxing with a fresh glass of effervescent Vanilla Pepsi. As my parched lips met the cool, jaded glass, and the refreshing elixer of life slithered along the slippery surface of my chalice, I couldn't help but inhale an odious odor.
That's right, Vanilla Pepsi smells like vomit. I'm not even kidding, go take a whiff yourself. That shit is disgusting. It tastes fine, but damn. I thought that Doritos smelling like dirty feet was the worst. Boy, was I wrong. It appears Pepsi posesses a penchant for putting pungent pieces of purged particles in pop.
I decided to take a look at the ingredients to see what could be causing this repulsive reeking.
+ Carbonated water: Eh, never caused any problems before.
+ High Fructose Corn Syrup: I'll leave this scandal for another day.
+ (Possibly) Sugar: What the fuck do they mean by "and/or"? Don't they keep track of what they put in this shit?
+ Caramel Color: I didn't know you could actually just take the color off of something and put it in soda. I wonder what color the caramel is now..
+ Natural and Artificial Flavor: Ah hah! Wait, what? Everything is natural. Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, so it's not like scientists can just go "Poof! Here's a chemical." No, everything we've ever made has been found on Earth. Anyway, they seem to be pretty reluctant to share exactly what flavor has been added.
+ Phosphoric Acid: Neither the kind of acid that will instantly burn holes through your organs nor the kind that will take you to lands you've never fathomed, Phosphoric Acid is the poor man's acid. "Phosphoric acid is prepared commercially by heating calcium phosphate rock with sulfuric acid." Sulfer. Now we're getting somewhere with the stench. It's also used in fertilizers and detergents. Yum.
+ Potassium Benzoate: Oh, thanks for telling us it preserves the freshness. That's suspicious; you didn't seem to tell us about what any of the other things did. Sounds like you're trying to hide something, ol' Pepsi. "Approved for use in the U.S., Canada, and the E.U." Can someone smell an international conspiracy brewing? Nope, just vomit.
+ Potassium Citrate: "May cause mild irritation to the respiratory tract." I thought my respiratory tract felt a little tingly.
+ Citric Acid: Holy shit, I think we found a winner. "Citric acid is used in soft drinks and in laxatives and cathartics (Agents for purging the bowels)." Mmm, the fresh scent of stool!
I needn't go on.
Oh, for more information, visit our website, eh? Fine then, I'll play your game.
--> Pepsi Ingredient Info<--
Look carefully. Comment! (24) | Recommend! (1) | Rate! Crappy update, but an update all the same Monday, Night Ninjas vs. Pirates vs. Robots Halloween, Night Since ages long forgotten, there has been one question that has plagued all of humanity all-encompassingly. Who would win in an all-out battle? Ninjas, Pirates, or Robots? We will consider this question deductively.
Pirates
-Ruthless and brutal
-Wear eye patches
-Fight with swords, fists, and muskets
-Represented by wicked skull and bones
-Sing manly seaman songs
-Masters at operating ships
-Launch cannonballs
-Can rough it out on the sea
-Have no fear whatsoever
-Say "Arrrrrrrrrrgghh"
-Have sturdy peg legs
-Work together in unity with fellow pirates
-Reknown throughout history as badass
-Can be smelled before seen [adds to terror]
-Strong and hairy like real men
-Drink all day long and kick some sober ass
-Collectively self-sufficient
-Make traitors walk a wooden plank
-Don't bother hiding, ever
-Totally manly Ninjas
-Lack any personality
-Wear headbands
-Fight skillfully with any object
-Can remove a spleen in one swift motion
-Live in your house secretly for days
-Can remove their shadow if needed
-Hurl shurikens
-Go anywhere they want instantly
-Catch bullets in their teeth
-Kill themselves if they make a noise
-Can run 100 miles on their hands
-Train 20 hours/day starting from age 2
-Have cool words like Sepulku
-Are masters of disguise
-Can hover for hours
-Flip out and kill everything
-Are completely self-sufficient
-Split planks vertically with their nose
-Can hide in incense smoke
-In touch with their feminine side Robots
-Lack emotions/remorse
-Made of metal
-Capable of 2 million computations per second
-Make loads of beeping noises and buzzes
-Can't feel pain
-Use interchangeable parts
-Have laser eyes
-Immune to hypnosis
-Have super strength
-Mass produced on assembly lines
-Never fatigue
-Rechargeable
-Can say "I am Iron Man" and be taken seriously
-Never get hungry
-Can be programmed to do anything
-Have thermal sensors
-Can keep Cold Ones cold in their stomachs
-Have jetpacks
-Can play CDs in their D: drive
-Neither manly nor feminine
I'm too lazy to finish this tonight so I'll conclude this with a final result sometime this week. Comment! (35) | Recommend! (1) | Rate! |
